Sunday night... Somehow we always end up here on the cusp of Monday.

I wish I could tell you about the day I had, but I cannot. I for one am really not sure how it all transpired. All I can say for sure is I was called to go, so I went and I am so glad I did.

I pray this evening...

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for Sunday! Thank you for family and friends. Thank you for the warm spring day. Thank you for this day of rest.

I pray for my friends in the midst of change; of moves...   I pray for the work week, I pray it passes quickly and efficiently. I pray that you guide us Lord along the path you'd have us take. I pray that my friends at least once, if not everyday, would see something not of this world-of You... So much so that they would stop and say "Thank you for that gift Lord". I pray they would share that here in this blog so we all can celebrate you together.

I pray that we become more aware of the same God that is alive in the Bible is the same God alive and among us now, if we are waiting, watching in expectation.

I pray for the health of those you know are struggling. I pray for healing, mental, spiritul and physical. I pray for the peace that comes in the waiting for answers, for we know it's not our time but yours. I pray that you watch over all of us in our comings and goings.

I pray for solidarity and strength in your will Lord.

All these things I ask in your Son's holy name-Amen

Saturday night... a stunning loss for the Arizona Wildcats, not that I was watching;  I  have never really been into sports.  Everyone's been a buzz this week... Sweet 16, Elite 8.  Even my kids are picking up on how cool our University is; I hope that continues, I want to see them there some day. 

This week has been an interesting one...  What to say... so many things.  Moments... Moments are what I want to write about tonight.  I hope you join me.

I wanted to stand in the sun this week.  It's Arizona... we're not freezing, spring has sprung and for the next few weeks the weather is going to be wonderful. 

Yes, I wanted to walk outside, raise my arms and stretch out; trying to touch the east and the west... head raised, eyes closed and just let the sun warm my soul.  Warm me through my skin, hair, through to my bones.  I wanted to... but never got around to it.  In my mind though it was spectacular!  Instead I walked along a long hallway at work, green tile - sun coming through the windows bouncing off the floor with it's rays.  The suns light dancing through windows, beckoning me out and warming me a bit of me with each step.  

Warning... if you are a boy reading this, it might get uncomfortable so you might want to skip over until Dinner...

This week also reminded me how much I hate my reproductive parts.   They've never worked quite right... remember it took us 10 years and numerous rounds of drugs, tests and dyes to finally have the twins... anyway... I am hormonal and have been getting migraines again... and I shouldn't be.  Not with the kind of medication I have been on to correct my issues... so blood tests, exams, peeing in a cup... all over again, except this time I am not trying for babies... discussing options for the future... I am only turning 35.  I am not supposed to have to think about any of this until I am 40... all of which, again, makes me hate my reproductive system. 

If you are a boy... it's okay to start reading again... I am almost at Dinner.

Dinner with my parents.... Thursday Pizza night... Sometimes we're all able to gather - the hubbie, my kids, my brother, mom and dad.  Sometimes, like this week it was just me, the kids and my parents....  Conversation was great, tons of laughs... and my restless soul taking a break at my parents home... It's great to bring the kids over, this mom can punch off-duty and Grammy-McPhee takes over with all her wonderfulness.  Coming home - Coming home... just saying Coming home transports me to peace.  It wasn't always that way though.  

Leaving that night I was struck with how different it was, I take it for granted.

I've said before that my dad is a recovering alcoholic.  Such a simple sentence with monumental impact.  Unless you've lived with someone who has an addiction you honestly have no idea what it is like.  You have no idea the damage that can be done or had been done.  If you have no idea, I am thankful...  because it's no way to live.  

The same table we just shared laughter at, pizza and conversations of our day is the same table we used to argue at.  The same table tears were shed at.  The same table we sat at to convince our mom to change the locks on our Dad because he needed help... the stories go on and on and on... sometimes I forget about them because my Dad has been sober for so long.  So long it seems like another lifetime and another family. So long ago that I take for granted the safe home I now can bring my children to... such a great moment to hang on to. 

Family says you never give up.  I am reminded of that this week too as a friend of mine struggles with her son.  Loving through the moments.  Knowing when to say, "you need more help than I can give".  Being strong when you are breaking inside.  Family says you always love, you never turn away.  

Today, waking up with another headache... my daughter comes in and cups my face.  She knows my head hurts, sweet girl (I can hear my best friend say ).  My daughter just knows how to heal... how to love with her presence.  She's packed and ready to go to Grammy's house for a sleepover.  Granddaughter date... and I get mother-son time.  My daughter lays next to me... she smells like strawberry lip-gloss, she smells like my beautiful aunt and reminds me of summers past.  She loves me and strokes my face.  We snuggle for a bit and then we go through her suitcase... undies-check, toothbrush-check, outfit for tomorrow-check, PJ's-check... and she brings me the phone so I can call for her ride.  Ready to head out... loved that moment... a moment of love and tenderness but also that she's growing up too fast, ready to head out to Grammy's on her own.  

My son... and movie night with his best buddies and mine as well.  It's not very often we just have the boys... Movie has action and boy humor... we hear them giggle slurping drinking their slurpees.  His little hand still slips into mine... but he lets go too often for this mommy.  His eyes twinkle for the new shoes we bought... his eyes twinkle for his friendships... his eyes twinkle all the way into his bedroom.  I leave him there and head to my own room.  Within a few moments he's found me, his twinkle is still there... his arms flung around my neck he whispers in my ear, "You're the best mommy. Thank you for tonight." and my heart bursts.    

Moments to capture... to remember... to share.  

Dear Heavenly Father,
I want to ask for nothing tonight... only to thank you for this life.  To thank you for these moments.  To thank you above all else, for your son who died on the cross for me.  To thank you for my husband and my kids.  Watch over them and protect them.  I thank you for my dad and his battle with alcohol which helped me become the person I am today but that you also healed and redeemed him.  I thank you for my brother.  I thank you for family, friendships and love.  I know moments of sadness happen... that the happiness will be interrupted eventually.  I thank you for warmth and light which is the promise to get us through those struggles.  Help me remember these moments and call upon them when I need them most.

In your sons holy name - Amen. 

I am a Christian. If you aren't new here, you know that and you know me.

Confession... Sometimes I am afraid of my faith or rather, afraid to speak it out loud. But guess what... I am changing... I am not going to be afraid anymore.

Why have I been afraid? Because I am turning into a minority, or rather, my faith turns me into a minority.

If anyone is ashamed of me and my message, the Son of Man will be ashamed of that person when he returns in his glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels. Luke 9:26

I may lose readers because of this post, gosh I hope not... Something is calling me out.  Has been calling me these last two weeks, until it was hanging on my hotel room wall.

I am seeking more...

Sunday night... the sun is setting on a relaxing weekend.  

Relaxing in spite of the flu bug my kids and I have pick up!  Beginning on Thursday just in time for me to get home, drop off my bags... and get the phone call that my son had a 102 degree fever. 

I am not annoyed, I am thankful that I was able to be there when he needed me.  Friday was a sick day for the both of them... fevers, body aches, head aches, sniffling, sneezing... fun stuff.

Like many of my friends who have amazing careers and a passion for their chosen profession, this mom struggles with demands of job and home.  It's a difficult balance. 

When my kids were really little, about two I'd say, I had to go and work a conference around this same time in Las Vegas.  On the first night of three days away my husband called with the news that our son was really sick.  He needed to go to the doctor.  Since they were premature, from the time he was born and even sometimes now he develops upper respiratory issues when he gets sick with a cold.  This time was no different.  My husband was able to take him to the doctor but he needed breathing treatments, he was on the cusp of hospitalization and we needed to monitor him closely. 

We had to make a tough decision, do I fly home or trust that Daddy had it handled even though he was working during the day?  We allowed a trusted person come in and take care of the kids, watching over my son.  Each night I would receive reports that while he was comfortable, he wasn't getting much better.   We decided to wait to take him to the doctor when I got back which was just the next day. 

When I got home and saw my son laying on the couch completely lethargic I realized it was not a good situation.  He had almost next to no interaction from the caregiver with him.  The person we trusted paid more attention to our daughter who was healthy and well; she had not been giving our son baths or making sure his medicine was given in a timely manner.  He needed mom... and a doctor visit.   

My husband assumed he'd been care for, as I said this person was someone we both really trusted. When I got home this person was surprised to see me.  Lesson, painfully learned for this mom.   Would I come home sooner had I known the outcome?  Maybe, I can't answer that.  I probably would have done the same thing if faced with it again... I am not always going to be there, I am going to miss some moments but I would make some better choices pertaining to the person in charge.  I digress...  
 
I relieved this person, letting her know it was okay to go home... I scooped my son up and gave him a warm bath. Taking care of him, making sure he had his next dose of medicine, lots of hugs - I held him and rocked him.  He was starting to feel better already.  It's amazing what love does.  Health crisis averted and again, big-old-lesson learned!

My mom also worked when my brother and I were growing up.  I don't remember her job ever taking her away from the home.  When did get sick, she was always there.  That's just what moms do.  Being home sick consisted of "making a bed" on the couch, I'd get to bring my pillow out and get to snuggle in with the TV and mom.  She's let me have 7-Up to help my sick tummy and she'd make chicken noodle soup.  She'd spoon feed me, cutting the noodles on the side of the cup so that each bite wouldn't be messy.  Mom would rub my forehead and brush back my hair... 

When my twins were born and I was really sick, in the hospital it was my mom who made sure I ate, who chased after the nurses and the doctors to make sure care was being given, she listened to the medical opinions and treatment options.  She helped me get out of bed to use the restroom with all the wires and IV's plugged into me... She gave me my first shower in the hospital.  She knew that childbearing had an ugly side that I was just not prepared for.  She washed my hair and made sure I had what I needed to start the healing process.  I couldn't have gotten through all of that without my mom...  Women should have one person that can serve that purpose, always!

Even now, I am older with kids of my own, sometimes getting sick -still
finds me on my parents bed with a warm wash-cloth over my head, lights out and the "good-quilt".   

Thankfully Thursday, I was able to take that phone call.  As I was walking up the sidewalk to the office at my kids school, my son stepped outside with the principal.  When he saw me he cried with a mixture of "mom I feel sick" and "I am so relieved to see you".  He was happy to know I brought medicine for him, he wouldn't have to wait till we got home.  He had fresh pajamas waiting, soup and Power-aide.  Like my childhood, we made his bed on the couch and I stroked his back until he fell asleep. 

Friday was my daughters turn... same prescription awaited her... couch bed, snuggles and rubs... TV time and lots of liquids.  Trying to keep everyone as comfortable as possible while the virus works through their systems. 

This weekend we've waited for the fevers to break, helped them get to the bathroom, changed sheets... new PJs'... lots of soup and fluids.  Lots of snuggles and rubs... There have been some midnight calls to the crying children in the bedroom when the medicine had worn off... some kids in my bed till daddy gets home.  Mommy has had to take the rest where I could get it.  All the while I remember that my mom was always there... so important...

Doing the best that I can, I pray my children learn from me and can say the same thing when they have their own children...

We shall see... :)

Flew out to Chicago this week to work an event I helped plan.  Not nervous or running through the list of details in my head, just sitting out looking at the clouds...  It all works out for good for those who love God anyway... (Romans 8:28)

At some point in time you have to know you did all you know how to do and then put faith in God that it will all work out as it should be.  Good or bad - lesson learned or celebrated victory. 

On the plane I was reading from Guidepost 2014 (my devotional) and it really just settled on and in me.  A moment to just say... yes, I get it!  Absolutely!!!  In a world focused on branding, banners and signs...  remarketing your company or a meeting and even branding yourself... how do others see you?

Coming straight from the Old Testament, Moses... 

Exodus 17:15 -  Moses built an alter and called it The Lord is my banner. -- Or, I love this translation because it seems so familiar and intimate...

Moses built an altar there and named it Yahweh-nissi (which means "the LORD is my banner"). NLT

Just to say Yahweh-nissi... as if to remember!

Not to plagiarize the Guide Post entry entirely but the entry spoke to what a banner in Moses' time of the Exodus was... A long slender pole with a shiny object which would glimmer in the sun.  Rather than the banners we have in modern day.

I suppose, something that could be seen as a beacon of light signaling the way. 

Saturday night over looking the great city of Chicago, looking at the lights of the city the beacon that it is... I continued in thought.

It's hard being away from my kids, I miss them but I also believe it's good for them to see that mommy does important things to help others.  Even in the small way I contribute. 

Technically it's day three of the program and we're just about exactly in the middle.  I like being in the middle.  Everyone has arrived and everyone has rooms.  We've had our first big room changes and AV moves.  We've had 7 complicated break-out transitions... So the tough stuff is over.  Yet, we still have a day and a half of wonderfulness left.  I have seen some old friends and made a few new ones.  It's great!

I am still thinking, though... on the devotional and touching lives.  Like touching some aspect of travel for almost 500 people this week... 

Oh my gosh... what is my banner?  What is my branding?  Does my banner 
and branding point to the Creator of ALL things?  Does it point to The  One
that Saves?  Do I speak with love and grace like Jesus calls me to?  Am I doing all I can to stand and withstand the trials of this life with all that I am called to be?

From where I am sitting now... the sun is rising.  I can see it out there, the beacon of light with the hope and promise of a new day.  What is my banner?

                                           Yahweh-nissi

Have I talked about finding my voice yet?

My personal friends who read this blog have mentioned to me many times, "I had no idea you could write". Truth be told I used to write a lot through my teens and early twenties. I have even had something published in a book. Unfortunately, over the course of time, though, the writing died out. The fire was extinguished.

It wasn't one thing but a set of circumstances that just made me stop. Personal disappointment after disappointment.

Have you ever heard the idea of picking one word to focus on for one year? One year of one idea to live out... Two years ago my word was Real... I needed to let some friendships go in exchange for Real ones. For my personal health I needed to let some family go in exchange for Real love, for Real compassion... To make room for Real family. I needed to be Real.

Last year my word was Hold. I felt like my personal, professional and spiritual growth were on Hold. I was waiting for... Nothing because it never came. I was Holding. I was also taking a lot in; learning from my surroundings, from people, from the Good Book but always on Hold. Not being used. Holding at home, Holding with friends, Holding at church and Holding at work.

For this year... It's only March and I have settled on my word. Heal! I think you know by now I have found my voice. It hasn't come easy. I have had to let go of hurts and of not trusting; I have had to let go of some great disappointments.

The hurt of losing the belief and knowledge of who I think I am; who I was supposed to be in order to discover the truth. I have had to let myself Heal. I have had to read God's truth and allow it to sink in until it is so engrained I can't deny it, moreover, so engrained that the deceiver of all deceivers cannot get in.

I have had to quietly learn that my gifts are special, to be protected and to be valued. I AM VALUABLE! That's not something I picked up on by accident or because I repeated it into existence. I AM VALUABLE!

Say it with me... I AM VALUABLE... In all the ways that matter, I cannot be replaced... My children cannot replace their mother, my husband could find another wife but not me. As a daughter and a sister, I cannot be replaced... As a friend, I cannot be replaced.   Above all these relationships... I cannot be replaced in the eternal kingdom of Heaven. To sit and contemplate all the ways that God loves me... Came down to seek me out... Provides... Hears my prayers, even the prayers that hurt so bad I cannot utter them out loud but rather come out in a primal growl... I have been the one lost sheep that the Shepard came after even when He had 99. How amazing to be counted! I AM VALUABLE in God's Kingdom.

When you know that... That one truth that cannot be taken from you, to be bought and covered over like that; I AM VALUED becomes I AM LOVED, also becomes I AM SET FREE from my past, from what holds me back and brings me to a place of I AM HEALED!

If any of my wonderful friends out there needs to hear these words I hope you read them out loud. It's not silly...

YOU ARE VALUED

YOU ARE LOVED

YOU ARE SET FREE

YOU ARE HEALED

It doesn't get any better than that!

Sleep well my friends...

Sometimes... Sometimes life does not wrap up into a pretty package. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try things just don't work out the way they ought.

Sometimes your son will flash the girl in front of him while waiting for his turn on a water ride at the church summer fun night... In front of your new pastor. True story he was three or four. Sometimes your son will drop his first cuss word... S-Bomb on the church playground; also true story- happened last week.

Sometimes you come home to your daughter, waiting for you in the entry way with eyes sparkling, Had a great day at school Mom!!! My friend "M" kissed me... Also true story, she was 5. Fantastic.

Sometimes you battle infertility for ten years to fulfill a dream of having the aforementioned children... And no, I wouldn't change any of those moments... Not even the infertility parts.

Which brings me to the serious stuff... As I said in my last blog, I had a fantastically epic fight with my husband last week.

Sometimes it's just hard... To be kind, to be patient when you think someone should just "get it"! But that is my expectation right...

Without diving into all the yuck and the words that went into that argument.   As I am typing, my husband is reading over my shoulder... Says, "words for the wind". Yes... That's what it was...

Anyway, last Wednesday we were both done! Done with what exactly, I don't know but sometimes for a moment "done" feels good to say, never great to hear or contemplate. We were done... I retreated to the couch while he comfortably settled into the MIDDLE of our bed, as if!!!!

We let the sun go down on our anger! Never a good thing. In fact, I let him sleep in the next day, not because I was being nice rather I just didn't want to talk to him. So I wrote him a note.

I simply said... He sees it his way and I see it mine, neither of us is wrong and we are so not right! I also said I didn't know what to do with it so... I was leaving it at Gods feet, he fixes everything anyway...

It was also the hubbies first night back to work so I didn't expect to see or speak to him for 24 hours. Which was also fine by me, though my heart was starting to feel a little guilty.

Then I received a phone call from the receptionist at work.. A gentleman was here for your lunch appointment-- true story. I looked at my calendar, I had no appointment. So I asked her who it was... She had no idea and asked for his name, as I was listening I heard my hubbies voice.... He was my lunch date! Never in a million years did I expect him!

Sometimes life isn't like you planned or expected. Sometimes done just means for tonight. Sometimes life is hard, sometimes it's complictated... Sometimes it's funny... Sometimes it's sad... Sometimes making up is the best part!

But it's always worthwhile!!!!

I am not one of those people with the miraculous gift of verse memorization.  Those people blow me away.  When I am in the presence of those people that can call up exact verse, exact location and recite it with confidence I have to pick my jaw off the floor!  In awe, I want to be able to do that when I grow up.

Sitting cross-legged on the couch, ready to blog on Wednesday night, heart overflowing with my love for my family, my kids, their unabashed hunger for God's word. These truly being the moments I need to live for... I was typing, words were flowing until the verse. 

On the left side, behind my ear I hear like post-it snippets...  written down, flipped up and posted on my forehead.

"we need to talk about Him all the time"  
                  "when we lie down", "when we wake up"
             "when we are walking by the way"

Oh, my gosh... a verse... but I have no idea where to find it in 863 pages of my bible!  To make matters worse this site isn't App friendly on my IPad. .  I cannot save to in a draft form which would allow me to search for the verse.

So what happened... I asked my dear husband, the love of my life for help.  Gosh, he was so willing to help.  He was so willing to grab his phone and  search for me.  I had to explain how I search to him...  I start by going to Google.  I type in Bible Verses and then the key words I am looking for, I find what I am looking for and happily insert it into this writing.  So when my husband "helps" even after I've explained my strategy, he takes his own approach...  He goes and searches and comes up with "no verse found'.  "Really?  On Google?"  "Nope"  he tells me... "on our Bible App"... Is that where I told him to start?  I explain patiently at least 6 times the easiest route but it just wasn't working... I was patient, until I decided to get off my butt and find it myself... Then the argument happened.  It was epic!

I found my verse, finished the blog and fell asleep on the couch --- and he let me stay there...

I am a fraud!  I am writing all of you, painting this wonderful picture of a moment with words so that you see this vision of a Norman Rockwell family meanwhile we have just fought this epic battle without love, faith or kindness towards one another. We let the night close on our anger and went to bed separately, like boxers retreating to our separate corners. 

A girl friend once told me that you should always make time for your friends. They hold you up when you are down. They show up at your door because they heard something they didn't like in your voice and wanted to just hug you.  They are sometimes, a pillar, the rock, strength and determination to help you get-through when you just-can't! 

My best friend... my Bestie... my soul-sister-in-Christ!  I speak with her daily at least once and sometimes ten times.  She is like the warm sun, radiating warmth, love and grace almost all of the time.  There should be a picture of her in the dictionary next to the word Joy.  When she speaks, even over the phone you can hear and see her smile...  We're speaking that next morning, usual conversation until we get to her asking me --- "AND how is your morning Bestie?"

Honestly... not great... I can't even pretend as all the ugliness of the evenings argument are shared because I simply can't bare the weight on my own. 

Thursday night a meeting...  A group meeting... comprised of some amazing women who embody God's grace, goodness and faithfulness.  Matters of business are discussed but more than that the camaraderie as women, as friends, as mothers and wives...  Laughing over pasta and tea.  Fills the Soul enough to finish the week. 

Like flowers I think of my own best friends.  I cannot make causal friendships well... if you are my friend you also happen to be my best friend.  Each friend.. each flower unique with different soil, veins which run with a different kind of pulse, each one carrying their own kind of special color.

Someone at dinner the other night said... Girlfriends are the gap fillers... like glue holding together my sometimes fragile being... like mortar to the strong sturdy person I trick myself into thinking I am. 

True words!  Internally wrestling with these two topics last night... I called out to my most trusted advisors on this blogging journey with me. 

The challenge... What comes to mind, first thing, few words.... Your girlfriends... And Go!

And as with the post-it notes of verses.... they responded almost immediately...

I will close there... I cannot do better than my own best friends!  Thankful for each one of you and all the others following along! You all have touched my heart, are too numerous to call out by name and might be embarrassed if I do... but you know who you are.  You, like flowers, have engraved your fragrance and color on my heart and have enriched my life like good soil.  We are all firmly planted in the ground holding each other up.

P.S.  As for my argument with my husband... that deserves it's own special entry.  Saving that for tomorrow night.  Stay Tuned!

I took a walk this morning... Just down to the corner really. My son had only just woken up. My daughter still tucked inside her blanket.

I wanted to hear the quiet of the morning. Looking for God and all his glory. I wanted a picture of the sunrise, I couldn't quite capture it in a way that was what I was looking for. So I gave up and looked for other things. I found these flowers overgrown the side walk. The color is one of my favorites.

I took this picture and walked home. In my mind I have the picture of the soft first light and the pastel colors.

All over the place, at work, on Facebook and in other Blogs I am reading about Lent. This season of 40 days of fasting, repentance, etc. that I have never done. It's not something that my form of Christanity practices. That is okay by me and traditionally I am not practicing it now... However, it does make me consider the purpose of it.

Anytime you set aside the desire of self, of this world to follow, draw near to or become closer to the One who created all it has to be be benificial. Really why stop at 40 days. Why not continue daily? That is where I am.

Tonight as a family we set time aside, no TV... Get our your bibles... Let's get into God's Holy Word and draw closer as we prepare our hearts for the cross, for the One who wore our sin, died and rose again.

Interestingly, as I say it's everywhere, so it also is in Guide Posts 2014 - my devotional if you are a regular on here.

My kids are young so they are learning the Bible and how to read it. We tell them where we are looking, how to find it. Old or New Testament and let them take turns finding the chapter, the verse and helping them read it out loud. We also read out of each of our Bibles because they are all a little different.

Together as a family we went through the verses and talked about them. Talked about this season of Lent and why others practice it... And we decide we will continue 40 days of conversation, of time in the word with each other in this fashion.

The One who created all deserves no less...

Therefore, you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach then to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down and when you rise up. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:18-20

Going back to the picture... The thought sits with me and the introductory words I wrote at the very beginning, not even meaning to. Faith, my faith... Is a lot like looking to take a picture. I couldn't find what I was desiring to find so I gave up and looked for other things.

I should give up my desires and look in only one direction. Yes, I am thankful for these moments and this season.

How do you make a change?  When one first contemplates a move, a switch, a complete 180... How do you do it?  Step out in faith, rip off the band-aide, just go out and do it?

I am praying. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

What kind of change am I praying for?  I am praying for it all!  Change as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend... a person... as God's person!

When I feel like a bad mom, inadequate; my prayer over them, out loud, in private, in silence...  I pray - Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for this day and for your fatherly love for me.  I thank you that you loved me and provided a way for me.  I am thankful that when I fall short you correct me with love and grace.  Today I was not the best Mom I could have been.  Today I did not show my two wonderful gifts the love and grace you show me.  I know I can do better, I know they deserve better.  Please help me see them each and every day as you see them.  Show me new ways to teach them, that they feel loved and cherished. 
Thank you for all these things, thank you for your guidance before you provide it.  Amen

What does that change look like in the moment... too often I find myself riding my kids... I find my fuse short for silly things... especially the bickering, the ways they pick at each other, goading into a fight... who wins?  Mom loses... mom loses it!  The change comes when I change my reaction.  

                                                Experiment #1 -
Yesterday morning... the bickering... who knows for what... all I know is from the other room it was driving me up and around the wall.  I made them come stand before me.  I didn't yell, I didn't even speak.  I just kept quiet until they started to speak and point the finger in each others direction.  I made them stop. 

The punishment:  Kids... please turn and face each other.  They do and giggle a little but try to remain serious.  Please hold hands and look each other in the eye.  Faith Child, look at your brother and repeat after me... "Brother, I love you.  I think you are special and I like being your sister.  I am sorry I was picking on you...", She says it and giggles...

Now son... look at your sister and repeat after me.  "Beanie, I love you.  You are special to me and I like being your brother.  I am sorry I was picking on you.",  He giggles... says it... all is better... And mom says... hug... now scram.  

                                                Experiment #2 -
On the way to school... the bickering starts.  I am trying to go to a happy place. The music is up and I am just enjoying this moment. The bickering gets louder... I adjust the rear view mirror and give them the mom-stare-down.  It doesn't help, I don't scare them anymore... Instead of yelling...  I look at them lovingly and I say... guys... look at each other... hold hands... for five minutes.  I want to see happy hearts before I drop you off.  By the end of the five minutes they are smiling and laughing and singing.... 

                                                                               Grace: 2 --- Mom's Temper: 0

That is what change in discipline looks like.

What does change for myself look like?  I can't articulate it yet.  I don't know what it looks like but God does.  It's not my plan but his.  I am thankful for the moment I am in.  Thankful for the blessings in this life and ready to rip off the bandage and just do it at his will not mine.  I have the faith that God will show me the path for it.  There is a fire inside of me, the desire to do something radically different.... 

I start in prayer.  I start with a conversation with my Father.  I start seeking his council first. Looking for his guidance.  He provides it, always, sometimes loudly in the form of a burning bush.  Sometimes quietly, as the whisper in your ear.

Dear Father, thank you for your immeasurable love and grace.  Thank you for your Son and the Cross.  Thank you for the paths in this life that I get to choose, please help me to see the right one.  Your path designed for me.   Point me in the right direction.  Send me along to do your will and not my own and bring me back when I falter.  Amen

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Sleep well my friends...