Profession of Faith
Part II

So when my six year old, my daughter, asks me about salvation recently… I wonder from what? This  should happen later, not at six. 
Her sin right now is fighting with her brother or not putting her clothes away when I’ve asked her to… Not yet… She doesn’t know the dark places I’ve been, where salvation is warranted and welcomed.  So we have a tough conversation and it goes something like this…

Faith-Child: Does God know me?

Mom: Of course He knows you, He formed you in my womb (Psalm 139:13) and He had you in mind before He formed the world (Ephesians 1:4) 

Faith-Child: Do I know him? Like when I was 2 or 3 did I know him? 
 
Mom: Yes you knew him then, but like learning to walk or eat you had to have someone teach you. That’s why you have your teachers at school and church, Mommy and Daddy.  Everyone knows there is something more, lots of people search for what it missing.  When we learn about Jesus and God, we learn that He is what we’re looking for.

Faith-Child:  If I sin He doesn’t know me.

Inside my head I am thinking:  Are we having this conversation now?  Who
put it on her heart that she doesn’t know God and he doesn’t know her?  Surely she is too young to have this burden on her heart.

Mom: Faith-Child, if you sin, he still knows you – He loves the sinners and that is why he sent his son to die on the cross.  (Romans 5:8)

Faith-Child: Oh...  If I get baptized, will I have to speak with a pastor? 

Inside my head I am thinking: She couldn’t possibly be ready to speak with a pastor…. I am emailing her church teachers and leaders tonight… I don’t know about all this… not yet…)

Mom: Yes you will, Dad and I will be there too but you will have to tell him why you want to be baptized and what it means to you.  Baptism only tells everyone what you believe.  First you have to ask God to forgive you for the things you do wrong, that you know that Jesus was sent to earth to grow up and die for our sins; that by accepting that you do and will do wrong you need Jesus.  
 
Mom:  Faith-Child, is that something you are ready to do?

Faith-Child: I am thinking about it mom.

Inside my head I am thinking --- Oh good, we’re just thinking on it… thinking on it is good.

One Sunday a couple weeks back her Sunday school teacher approaches me and says to me, “I think Faith-Child is really close to accepting Christ”.  “She told me today (on her own) that she prayed the prayer last night where she spoke to God and said sorry for her sins”.  “I am going to be working with her going forward to see how ready she is.”  
 
As I am telling him of the above conversation, tears welling up in my eyes, we are joined by her other teacher.  I think we’re all in awe.  I thank them both for serving my daughter and taking-care that she learns these things correctly and comes to all of this on her own.

Salvation is a choice, a very important choice.  Her dad and I have always tried to remain careful in her teaching, making mention to her teachers and others that we want her to come to this in her own time with her own understanding and not just verbatim speak.

In fact, one Sunday several months to a year ago our church pastor provided all in the congregation piece of paper.  On it he asked us to write a prayer request, something we have an expectation for answer. Mine is still tucked in my bible, guarded safely… prayed for nightly and shared with few --- specifically my mom, my husband and my best friend. 
 
The white piece of paper, tucked neatly into the beginning of the Gospels – Matthew - says this “My kids would come, on their own to Christ”.  My daughter came… and with love and a twinkle in her eye she explained to her dad and I, better than could why we need Jesus.  
 
“Jesus died because I sin.  Jesus came so that he could talk to God for me.  Jesus died for me.”

And in my doubting spirit - In my, could my daughter really need to do this now???  In my, could a 6 year old know what she was talking about??? 
 
I heard --- Faith like a child.  (Matthew 18: 2-6); I get it!!!  We don’t need to wait for that dark place, the place we don’t think we can be reached.  Faith like a child is honest, easy and without the burden that my heart carries. Of course my child is ready and, if I am honest, it’s me that wasn’t ready for this.

I am also asking for prayers, as we navigate this journey that we all do the right thing by this sweet, innocent and trusting child of God.  

What once was lost now is found! 

Last night I came home and searched!  I searched and searched for my missing Bible.  I knew where is wasn't and yet I looked in all of those places again.  In my frantic, "where could it be?" a moment of pause washed over me.  Be still... you know where it is... think... Oh, yes... we got new material at church Sunday, check the box.  I opened the box and there it was, waiting to be found.

Waiting to be found. 

Is it silly that a book means so much? 

Moments in life when you can't speak the thoughts you are thinking.  Moments when you just can't pick up the phone to call mom or a friend.  Moments you can't tell anyone... but you know God already knows.  Those moments are all in my book.

James lists the trials...  That is where I started and then made my way over to 1 Peter on January 8, 2013.  That is when my son had his first surgery.  Only to repair a hernia, a simple procedure that the surgeon had done many times.  To this mom, however, he'd never done it on my son!  Will there be complications, will he survive?  Did we just celebrate our last Christmas with our son?  Paralyzing fear made its way in, took root and grabbed hold.  I spent time in prayer and found 1 Peter 5:13-15.

 13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray.  Is anyone cheerful?  Let him sing Psalms.  14  Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with the oil in the name of the Lord.  15 and the prayer of the faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.

February 28, 2013, in the middle of my husbands job loss last year, the struggle to find new work and pending changes at my job it was hard not to feel tested and tried beyond what we could handle. 

Hebrews 12: 5- 6  5 And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:  "My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord.  Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by him. 6 For whom the Lord loves he chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives." 

And at the conference last March hearing the words from Ephesians 6:17-18  17 From now on, let no one trouble me, for I BEAR in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.

Those and others... all defining moments for me that I would have lost.   

Waiting to be found.  Waiting to be found.  Waiting to be found.

Moments waiting to be found my friends.  Hope , faith, love... answers to prayers, concerns we take to God and he delivers us answers waiting to be found in scripture. 

I am found... and so is my Bible.

Praise God!

Today is an off day, everything seems just off…  It’s mid-day and I’ve just discovered why.  
 
I am always running late, late, late like the White Rabbit; “oh, my goodness, I am late”.  That’s not why I am off…  I checked myself in the mirror of the guest bathroom before heading out the door.  I notice the kids have done a very good job picking up after themselves; I make a mental note to thank them.  However, one item makes me pause… The blue toothbrush, suction-cupped to the mirror, up higher than I think either of my kids can reach… What on earth  caused that to be affixed up there?  I forget some paperwork at home; I have no idea what is in it that I was still supposed to do today – I know it will get all done.  
 
A phone call with a friend that sits heavily on my heart, we don’t talk as much as I’d like and I wish we had the time so I could just stop and listen to her.

It’s an off day but none of those reasons is the cause.  
 
I feel like I have lost a child somewhere between the dog-food aisle and electronics in Target, complete opposite sides of the store and I cannot remember the last time I remember the presence.  
 
I have lost my Bible.  I know it will turn up, it has to, and the alternative is almost unimaginable.  I think of the worn fabric cover, the one that made me sad to think of the other day --- it doesn’t look new anymore; the delicate pages, worn with turning, highlighted and commented on.  I think of the
personal prayers on the inside cover, the notes of anticipation… the gold
wristband from a conference last year that reminds me I am marked… the folded white piece of paper pending in expectant prayer.  
 
I had it yesterday at church, I thought last night that I left it on the front seat of my car; forgetting to take it in.  Leaving this morning "late, late, late", I expected it to be sitting there - It was not.  
 
My lifeline, like breathing! God’s word breathing life in me and I cannot find it.  I carelessly discarded it, I always know exactly where it is... on the bench by the front door, in my bag, on my nightstand. His word just travels with me;  I know I have access to it, hidden in my heart and on my IPad but that doesn't feel as concrete to me as the physical presence of The Book!

I am at a loss...

This is The Daily… please pray for me!

I avoided a blog I was supposed to write, I never learn my lesson! “Stuff” gets worse for me when I ignore what I am supposed to do.  When it’s about “me” and I’ve done the wrong thing, do you think I want it written down?  Especially to be placed on file and brought up again when the moment makes sense.
  
{Insert heavy sigh here}


I did not carry my grace card yesterday; I checked it in my purse and left it there.   Today the grace card, again, remained checked… and I stewed in the hangover of yesterday’s muck!

My husband and I both work full time jobs, we both are active in church and we both are raising our twins.  I think we both forget, sometimes that we are; (a.) in this together and (b.) have the same goals in mind.

Demands on our time pull us in lots of directions; my focus is in one direction and his in the other.  Yes, we both have to get up and get the kids ready, ourselves ready.  We both negotiate to get the kids to and from school and both of us have to be who we are outside of our home life to others.  All of it adds to the pressure but it is rewarding or we wouldn’t do it. 

I am also talking about the other things; the To-Do list that never gets To-Done!  My “weak-link” is the housework.  If you came to my home on any given day (except today because it’s unusually clean) it’s a mess, not fit for entertaining!  The kid’s bathroom, is also the guest bathroom, usually it has blue toothpaste in the sink basin which has inevitably hardened over several layers on the way to fossilization.  I also can never seem to get the laundry pile folded off the couch and put away… so we pick out of it until nothing is left and the vicious cycle continues.  I also, prefer the kitchen picked up on a regular basis and the kitchen table fit for dining  nightly; at least four seats cleared and clean anyway.  
 
I know my wonderful husband has other priority areas, but hey --- this is my blog and so my pedestal right now!  
 
So yesterday, when I perceived his sleeping in as slacking on the “must-do train”; after my consistent prompts to get out of bed did not produce desired results….   venom hissed out of me like a snake.  I felt disregarded and disrespected.  Of course, my goals for the morning were way more important than his.  I negated the fact that he’d been up all night working on the garage
(which needs the attention for sure).  Again, my goals are not aligned with his.  There in-lies, the great disconnect.

Neither of us is right and neither of us is wrong we’re just not playing on the same team and sometimes I wonder if we’re even playing the same sport.  I am sure scenarios like this play out in many homes on a regular basis but that doesn’t make it any easier.

So what can I do?  What can I control?  I can control myself.  Instead of saying
the things I said, which I am sure made him want to get up and help me as I am hissing… 

I could have happily worked my way out of the house.  I should have let it alone until we were both rested, not stressed and ready to be adults. 

I could have prayed to be re-aligned, I could have asked for grace.  Instead I let myself fail.

Thank goodness God knows I am going to fail a lot in this life.  I am thankful he designed things to begin again, refreshed and renewed everyday with the sun through the dark… I get another chance to choose grace tomorrow.  

Hopefully, I will choose the right path.

January 21, 2014

“Mom, can I fly my helicopter”?  My eyes flipped open and a silhouette of my son filled the dark void.  It’s six am; did I mention it’s still dark out? 
It’s time to get up!  
 
Cutting the peaceful silence of our slumber, it’s time to start the day…. Where is my coffee?


The helicopter is my son’s new favorite toy; we got it for him for Christmas.  He loves its color, red; he loves the blinking lights, he loves charging it.  He loves flying it with his Dad.  His dad has one too, boys never grow up… it drives me nuts, but if I am honest, I do love it.  His dad does “fly-bys” at my head, at the dog’s head.  My son, smartly, won’t come near my head but he loves to “fly-by” his sister’s head.  Buzzing  the tower!  She hates it!  I can’t accurately describe the disdain she has or the shrill-screeching that comes up from her lungs out of her mouth, the little hands usually so delicate now balled into a fist… It happens daily.

This morning the “fly-by” cuts into the unusually peaceful morning we’ve all been having.  Daddy is making breakfast, coffee is in hand… I am working on getting ready to head off to work; ironing my pants quietly, joyfully.  In the other room I am hearing the little conversation, the giggling, and helicopter buzzing in the background… I love these moments.  
 
It’s wonderful, until, I hear the screech of his name, the two syllable name that now becomes one syllable as if it’s a bad word --- it flies from her lips.  
 
Peace now cut, once again, with bickering that follows; the tattling that follows the bickering.  I brace myself, because it’s coming… so is my anger.   Why
can’t they just be nice to each other?   Why can’t they just work it out? 
Why does the impending “MOOOOMMMM” make me want to change my name and run screaming out the door sans pants?  The anger cuts through my skin like a knife, straight through to my bones and back out the other side.  "MOOOOMMMM”  has me seeing red!  I lose all grace!

Angrily I think about how blissful the morning was just a few, short, moments ago and now “Mom” has to step in and referee the situation, the helicopter will go up on the counter.  They will both go to their separate corners and my morning is now ruined.

Or is it?  Grace stops my mouth and softly nudges me…  

What if this time I change myself? 
What if I don’t begin the yelling? 
What if I change how I see this situation?  

My thought flutters to my own brother, the fights we’d have… especially the fights in the car on vacation – we’d draw this imaginary line down the center seat just daring the other to cross it with so much as pinky movement, a sly smile crossing our lips as we set-in to annoy with a purpose.  It’s what kids do, it’s what siblings do.

I realize this bickering builds a relationship.  This will become a story they share around the dinner table with us, with each other, with their own kids.  Suddenly, I realize I will play a part in how it is remembered.  Do I want it remembered filled with laughter, love and grace or do I want to be a part of this memory as an angry, ugly accessory?

Grace returns…  I am still “Mooommmm”, I still referee the situation, the toy goes away, the children are separated but instead all my actions are intentionally handled with love and grace.  

Crisis averted!  

Ugly angry accessory I am not!  

Grace wins!

I hadn't planned on posting or working on this blog today. It seems silly but I am getting stuck on the resting day.

All of my writing this week has come, quickly, like rapid fire.  The thought, the words all etched on my heart and burned into my mind until I have, have, have to write it down.  The pictures I can see before the story is told. 


Today, I am paused, settled... 

Genesis 2:3 - Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

I am not in awe of myself, please don't misunderstand.  I am in complete awe of all the conversations I've had this week. The God moments I've witnessed, the pure answers to prayers when I wasn't looking. 

Today, especially today, I've been feeling like I just need to be in the word. I need to be more present in reading and absorbing.

I have this mental picture of dancing with my Father. Staying right here; inside this box. This is his space and this is my space; side to side we move. I am just taking it all in.

Tonight in my reading I am lead to the surrounding verses of Philippians 4:6 which I had ignored before but that, tonight, catch my breath....

5   Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

And with that, the thin sheets of my Bible, the white of this page... He speaks, slow and simple.  His words work my soul.  I have peace. I am in awe.

I am humbled and thankful.

January 17, 2014
Infertility and Prayer
 Part II
 
Prayer and Thanksgiving


Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. -
Ephesians 3:20

I could lie and stir-up another mental path for you to follow me on, however, it would be a lie and to speak plainly, this is much funnier!
 
This morning I went into hiding.  I put myself in the toilet closet with my “MYPAD” as my husband lovingly refers to it and involved myself in Candy
Crush!  I’ll admit, I may have lingered a little longer than normal – I will hang my head in shame.  It is okay, you can admit it too, I am sure I am among many wonderful, God-serving mothers who’ve hidden from their
families…

This is where my son finds me, opens the door (I should have hidden better) and peers at me with his big, hazel-brown eyes, still filled with a little sleep and asks, “Mommy, aren’t you going to read your “Jesus Calling”?”.

I sit, because that’s all I can do at the moment, stunned!

Why stunned?  Let me tell you why… If you are my best friend or my mom, I’ve recently in the last 24 hour’s revealed to you that I cannot “get into” this wonderful devotional by Sarah Young.  Blaspheme, I know!  Yes, sometimes it helps me; some days it points me along a fantastic path but not recently. Not since the beginning of this year.  My son does not know this, he’s six, and I have not shared with him that this devotional is simply not “speaking to me”.

I ask my son why he would think that I should be reading “Jesus Calling”… He shrugs his little shoulders and says, “I donno, usually when you turn on the little lamp by the chair that means you are going to be reading.”  He skips out the door.

Again, I sit in silence, humbled that my son knows better than I do what I should be doing.  
 
My son also does not know that I am struggling with this writing.  Last night as I prepared my public page, adding draft after draft, I was in fear of the unknown; the doubt creeping back in.  I am also guarding tightly to my vest a writing I need to express, the story that needs to be told but I can’t.  It’s not my story, it’s not for the world to know --- and yet it is.  (There will be more to come on that one, it’s being written in my head and carved in my heart.)

So “Jesus Calling” today, again doesn’t speak to me until the end; the Bible verse.  The one I began a few days ago with…
 
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7 ESV 
 
This morning, in the shower I reminded myself of the last time I prayed in the
shower… so I kneeled, hands opened and raised, expectantly I prayed.

I spoke my fears to my Father, I lifted up the burdens on my heart for this
project, and the fear I have for the story unwritten and to the complete
unknown.  I opened my hands in expectation, of the answer that will come.  I thanked him for the words I am being given, the memories I am remembering and for each one of my readers.  

I am again on solid ground. ~Amen!

But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.  Micah 7:7 ESV