Remember me?  I don't know whether or not to apologize for my lack of entries this year or just spill my guts.  I don't even remember the last thing I wrote about.  I do think about writing daily.  When I am walking I will think of something to say and start crafting the words in my head.  Other times I will be sitting on the couch and my laptop and I are locked in a staring contest; it's calling out to me - asking me to dive back in and start on the words swirling around in my head. 

Towards the end of last year I was really struggling with a topic, I felt like I was being called write a confessional...  to put all of my sin and shame into black and white for all of --- whoever really reads - to read.  I am not talking about "fluff" sin and shame stuff, if that makes sense to you, but to give a name to, to write the words I pretend don't exist.  What I keep thinking is what will "you" think of me?  Really, it doesn't matter because I know what I think of me and I know what God thinks of me. 

He loves me... and He already knows... He is waiting on me to acknowledge those words and move forward in Him.  Did you expect me to say that?  Maybe you were expecting me to say that I am an abomination with my sin, that it's so bad for Him to look upon that He cannot even look at it - and that is true but He loves me first. 

When I think about my sin... which yes, I will write down in a moment, for those of you waiting to get to my dirty laundry, I think of Romans,  "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...  ALL have sinned and ALL fall short of the glory of God. It doesn't say, some have sinned... ALL have.  

And sin is evil and wicked in the eyes of God and no - He cannot look on it...  I've been reading in Genesis about creation and the fall.  Creation was so good that everything He made He called it "good" including man and the fall was bad and foreboding, but even in that He still loved us. Man was first cast out because of sin and then was all but anilated in the flood but again, God redeemed mankind and continued to do throughout the Bible through all time with His Son.

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8

When the thought, "what will people think of me...." I realize it doesn't matter.  When I think about my sin I think about a song...   Jesus paid it ALL and all to Him I owe.  The song doesn't say, Jesus paid some... it says He paid it ALL.  He not only paid and took care of what I do, He took care of what I do to others and what others do to me.  HE PAID IT ALL!  The other part of the song is...and ALL to Him I owe!

But I still have to acknowledge with my mouth and confess those sins... He already knows they're there. So I can hide and deny it from myself, family and friends but I cannot from Him.  Ultimately it doesn't matter what you think of me because I know, I know... it only matters what He thinks about me and He's asked me to talk about it.

Lust.

Pride.

Malice.

In that order. 

I don't have to go into every ugly detail, I thought I did - which is why the silence from me. I do want to talk about these sins... A little bit - lust I believe speaks for itself. For me it's more about how I look and feel and it's never sexy. Because of the way sex was shaped for me early on, it's negative to me. I don't trust that a man can love you for who you are and what you really look like. In the process I have turned to other things and that plays into what my husband does. So. As a couple, we are honest with each other, we speak about how we are feeling and where we are at. We turn off media and turn to God. It sounds unbelieveable but God tells us to do these things.

I urge you brothers, in view of Gods Mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform to the trappings of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

Pride, boy that is a doosey! At the beginning of the year, I prayed to God to show me what I needed to change. I wanted to be rid of all the things that hindered me from doing His work. I knew pride was one of them. In one month I have been stripped of ALL that I thought I was based on job performance and who I was to specific people. To say I have been brought low is an understatement and I struggle. Personally and professionally I don't like to be emotional, I don't like to be unsure, it makes me feel weak and so not myself. Pride - snipped off at the trunk and it was a long branch. I am still raw at raw at the site but I understand why pride has to go.

Malice. Awful word right? Awful heart... Ugh! So I really don't want anything bad to happen to anyone but I want to be rectified! If "they" are wrong, I want immediate retribution. Acknowledge, apologize and let's move on. All I can say on that is I know God takes care of those situations. He works on hearts and changes things according to his purpose.

In my Bible reading I have decided to go back to Genesis, I've read it but I want to understand it. And there was a passage in there that I didn't understand. I googled it, tried to reword the question and still never received an answer.

Last night, through reading another book I had my answer and what an answer It was... Victory! Yes, I said Victory in the fall of man. God loved is so amazing that even in the very first book of the Bible He planned to send Jesus to be broken for us on the cross. Redemption and victory played out in chapter one! Again the song plays it's chorus in my head...

Jesus paid it all and all to Him I owe... Sin had left a crimson stain - He washed it white as snow.