I have had few, and I mean few vivid dreams, the kind of dreams which are so real it's hard to believe reality is truth and left behind with the opening of eye-lids are the dreams.

My husband once woke up to find me sobbing beside him, uncontrollable and in unconsolable convulsions of tears as waves of sorrow overtook his normally calm wife. That particular dream was about the death of my living mother. A dream so horrifyingly real that when I woke up, I had to call her and hear her voice but then also ran smack into the realization that someday that would be how it would feel. Revealing this now takes me back to that heavy grief in my chest, heartbroken, breath-caught-longing-for-exhale moment. That type of dream is not a usual occurrence for me.

Until... A warm summer night this past summer...

Nothing like the loss of my mom; I didn't have the same anguish and pain. But there have been images burned into my brain I cannot unsee.

I dreamt I was in a group of people, maybe a dozen, I had never seen. Two of them had sin, bad sin - sin I knew about. Sin which they lived in, knowingly. The rest of the people I didn't know, didn't recognize for anything - just these two.


We were standing in a dark street, only a few lamps lit the night. A man with a gun held us all up and asked for our money, I went to say, "I don't have any money" but I heard a voice, it was God, the voice said; "Do not speak, you will be passed over." and I new the man didn't see me.

Then the man who came to rob, told them "If I took your money I want you to run as fast as you can." I stood there looking down, I did not move. Only one other person did the same as me - the others ran. All of a sudden the car the man was driving in hit all those people he had taken money from and killed them all.... They weren't just killed, they were torn apart.

The sin that those two people had... Was my own... Sin that I know God has been working with me on. Sin that I walk into, knowingly, without repentance... At least not with a sincere heart. Sin that I don't even bother to take to Him in prayer because He already knows.

I prayed after this dream... To fully understand it, to determine if I hold it in and keep it to myself or share in public. I am still not sure, so I write anyway.

A few things I know for certain, I was a spectator in my dream, only there to witness... I was covered over and held aside. The other is that this wasn't something related to actual future events, rather to deal with my specific sin - so again, I prayed.

I heard Him loud and clear...

That's what sin does you know... Like the money, sin takes something with it. It's a price to pay... It robs you of the person you are really supposed to be. Left in sin, it rips you apart. Sin takes you from your relationship with God... Sin keeps you separated by guilt and unworthy feelings.

A relationship with God, belief in His Son and acknowledgment of all of these things; The repentance, the acceptance and the asking for God in your life are the only things that set one apart, pass one over from the destruction sin does. They are the only things setting me apart, past over and saved.

I will struggle... Everyday... But I do not struggle alone. I have, first and foremost, a God who sees all and knows all which is comforting and frightening. As a believer, I have the Spirit within me, my body contains the Holy Spirit and He already has access to those dark and unspoken places the world doesn't see. I also have the body of believers who speak truth to me, who, by sermon, by prayers, by texts and coffee dates give me knowledge, encourage and hold me up. All of this, within God's plan.

That might be a strange prayer to some and you may wonder what that even means... I will tell you what it doesn't mean... It doesn't mean that I am going to let them figure it out on their own, wait till they are older to choose a church or a faith... It doesn't mean that their daddy and I get to check out... 

When they were born our faith was revived so to speak.  We both were floundering in this world and with infertility we struggled... with each other, with God's plan, with our friends and families.  We went to church here and there, never really faithful to committing to one... but with our miscarriage, the promises God gave us throughout that and then with the birth of these two kiddos we were revived... committed... in deep with God.  We dedicated, literally, ourselves to raising them in a God-fearing, God-believing home.  We found a church we were able to attend every Sunday and not just for show... simply because we were growing and they were too. We dedicated our family and friends to help be after us to live as we had committed and so...

The simple white prayer paper...  I wanted them to come to know God on their own.  Know He is good and what they need.  Not because their friends were doing it, not because their Sunday school teachers wanted to see it... not even because I held this prayer to my heart and hoped for it.  I wanted them to want Jesus for themselves.

And now they do...  Hailey, baptized in May of last year and Brandon, baptized this month and what a day - the completion of an asked and answered prayer.  Tears on earth from the heart of a mommy and rejoicing in Heaven by angels and our Father. 

Come to Him with your prayer requests, write them down, hide them in your heart.  He hears and He answers.

Kindness, grace... repentance and eternal forgiveness... I can see where this message would offend.   Jesus never condemned her, never belittled her or made her feel lowly... instead He saw her heart.  He knew she came to his feet honestly searching and seeking - and the door was wide open. 

Is there a God?  Do you know my Jesus?