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Letting this one go...

1/29/2016

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I have had few, and I mean few vivid dreams, the kind of dreams which are so real it's hard to believe reality is truth and left behind with the opening of eye-lids are the dreams.

My husband once woke up to find me sobbing beside him, uncontrollable and in unconsolable convulsions of tears as waves of sorrow overtook his normally calm wife. That particular dream was about the death of my living mother. A dream so horrifyingly real that when I woke up, I had to call her and hear her voice but then also ran smack into the realization that someday that would be how it would feel. Revealing this now takes me back to that heavy grief in my chest, heartbroken, breath-caught-longing-for-exhale moment. That type of dream is not a usual occurrence for me.

Until... A warm summer night this past summer...

Nothing like the loss of my mom; I didn't have the same anguish and pain. But there have been images burned into my brain I cannot unsee.

I dreamt I was in a group of people, maybe a dozen, I had never seen. Two of them had sin, bad sin - sin I knew about. Sin which they lived in, knowingly. The rest of the people I didn't know, didn't recognize for anything - just these two.


We were standing in a dark street, only a few lamps lit the night. A man with a gun held us all up and asked for our money, I went to say, "I don't have any money" but I heard a voice, it was God, the voice said; "Do not speak, you will be passed over." and I new the man didn't see me.

Then the man who came to rob, told them "If I took your money I want you to run as fast as you can." I stood there looking down, I did not move. Only one other person did the same as me - the others ran. All of a sudden the car the man was driving in hit all those people he had taken money from and killed them all.... They weren't just killed, they were torn apart.

The sin that those two people had... Was my own... Sin that I know God has been working with me on. Sin that I walk into, knowingly, without repentance... At least not with a sincere heart. Sin that I don't even bother to take to Him in prayer because He already knows.

I prayed after this dream... To fully understand it, to determine if I hold it in and keep it to myself or share in public. I am still not sure, so I write anyway.

A few things I know for certain, I was a spectator in my dream, only there to witness... I was covered over and held aside. The other is that this wasn't something related to actual future events, rather to deal with my specific sin - so again, I prayed.

I heard Him loud and clear...

That's what sin does you know... Like the money, sin takes something with it. It's a price to pay... It robs you of the person you are really supposed to be. Left in sin, it rips you apart. Sin takes you from your relationship with God... Sin keeps you separated by guilt and unworthy feelings.

A relationship with God, belief in His Son and acknowledgment of all of these things; The repentance, the acceptance and the asking for God in your life are the only things that set one apart, pass one over from the destruction sin does. They are the only things setting me apart, past over and saved.

I will struggle... Everyday... But I do not struggle alone. I have, first and foremost, a God who sees all and knows all which is comforting and frightening. As a believer, I have the Spirit within me, my body contains the Holy Spirit and He already has access to those dark and unspoken places the world doesn't see. I also have the body of believers who speak truth to me, who, by sermon, by prayers, by texts and coffee dates give me knowledge, encourage and hold me up. All of this, within God's plan.



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The prayer for my kids...

1/14/2016

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A few summers ago I heard a sermon on prayer. How as Christians we are supposed to take our requests to God with the expectation that He will answer our prayers. As part of the sermon that day, everyone was handed white pieces of paper with the intention that we would be writing down a prayer request with the expectation of an answer.

Looking at my blank, white piece of paper, I didn't know what to ask for... And then I knew. A mommy prayer, one that had been my thoughts since before the double pink lines.  After 10 years of wanting a baby I had grown to talk to God a lot...  in the car on the way to a doctor appointment.  During exams, before starting new medicine to help production of my eggs...  in the waiting room before "results" of that ever needed a "result".  I prayed with every cycle month and every negative pregnancy test.  Each time... Lord, lead me, Lord, guide me, Lord let this be it... and Lord, when you do I will give them to you.

Lord, I will give them to you.  Never mine to have or keep - just mine to raise in this life for His glory, His purpose.

So, when the paper was passed my prayer was simple... that my kids would come to Christ on their own.
That might be a strange prayer to some and you may wonder what that even means... I will tell you what it doesn't mean... It doesn't mean that I am going to let them figure it out on their own, wait till they are older to choose a church or a faith... It doesn't mean that their daddy and I get to check out... 

When they were born our faith was revived so to speak.  We both were floundering in this world and with infertility we struggled... with each other, with God's plan, with our friends and families.  We went to church here and there, never really faithful to committing to one... but with our miscarriage, the promises God gave us throughout that and then with the birth of these two kiddos we were revived... committed... in deep with God.  We dedicated, literally, ourselves to raising them in a God-fearing, God-believing home.  We found a church we were able to attend every Sunday and not just for show... simply because we were growing and they were too. We dedicated our family and friends to help be after us to live as we had committed and so...

The simple white prayer paper...  I wanted them to come to know God on their own.  Know He is good and what they need.  Not because their friends were doing it, not because their Sunday school teachers wanted to see it... not even because I held this prayer to my heart and hoped for it.  I wanted them to want Jesus for themselves.

And now they do...  Hailey, baptized in May of last year and Brandon, baptized this month and what a day - the completion of an asked and answered prayer.  Tears on earth from the heart of a mommy and rejoicing in Heaven by angels and our Father. 

Come to Him with your prayer requests, write them down, hide them in your heart.  He hears and He answers.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.   and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding; will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7
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Incomplete Healing

1/13/2016

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There are moments which pause your life and the path traveled.  Moments which send you reeling, forever changed. 


As I type these words I am reminded of a precious conversation I had with a dear friend who experienced a major pause and life-shift. She said, "I am not the same person I was the day before... and I will never be that person again."

How often can we say that as we look back on the landscape of our lives? No matter the length of path traveled, the pain and discomfort... The pause and divert buttons carve out who we are and who we become.

I can look back at my tiny minuscule life and see several of these paused and diverted segments; some more monumental than others... The loss of a baby, the result of an early miscarriage.  Years of infertility... The daughter of an alcoholic parent.  Leaving a beloved church home, beloved family of believers to start something else, a job change...

Some pause and diverted moments surprisingly subtle and the impact to the curvature great.  
It's almost 2 years since I broke my ankle on a family vacation visiting friends in Utah.  I can still remember, frame by frame, the events of the break, the feeling and absolute certainty of the injury.  My stoic 6 year old boy who just wanted me to go on a water slide with him.  My daughter who saw me in a wheelchair with medics, refusing to leave my side.  Or the doctor who, with tears in his eyes - explained to me in exact detail how bad my break was, requiring immediate surgery... Vacation over!  

In less than a 24 hour period my life changed and with it my life's-landscape. 
I've learned it's not what you do with the moment, rather all the subsequent moments that matter...  All of which mark, shape and carve.  

I could go back and talk about each process... Partial cast, surgery, multiple casts, more pain than I have ever been in... Physical therapy... Complete and utter dependence on everyone around me and my complete inability to do anything for myself.  

What I want to talk about...  Is the night I prayed for incomplete healing.  

Alone in bed and laying awake in the middle of the night, with my foot propped up on pillows I was in so much pain... So much.  I knew I couldn't make it to the kitchen by myself for my pain medication so I laid there and cried.  

I wanted the pain to be gone... In those desperate moments you imagine all sorts of crazy things...  I closed my eyes and prayed.  I remembered the miraculous healings in the Bible and just started speaking them aloud, like a crazy person and followed in prayer; "Lord, Father --- forgive me.   I know my pain is not as great as it could be and I know you have spared me from a lot of things in the process.  You have produced miracle after miracle as you answered each and every prayer I have had during this season.  But I feel alone tonight.  I cannot help myself.  My husband is not here and my kids are so asleep they will not hear me call to them. Lord, I need you...  Give me a moment pain free... Give me rest in this time.   Let your healing hands come down..."  

As I asked for that, my leg began to warm, it felt different. My eyes opened at this and I began to weep harder... The immediate answer to a prayer and I sang aloud... Amazing Grace... He deserved so much more.  There was no more pain for the rest of the night...

I closed my eyes again and prayed... In praises and thanksgiving.

So incredible is our God who takes care of those who believe in Him, in His time.  And that is when... I asked to be healed incompletely.  This incredibly hard journey has taught me so much about me, about my faith and my God.  I have never felt so close to Him and so unlike myself.  I know I am forever changed by this.  I never want to forget these lessons... The lessons which have not only scared my physical body but my soul...

I praise God every day for His blessings, His mercies, His provision and great love.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I bow down before you, humbled at your feet. I praise you for another day to breathe, to see the sunrise, to feel like rain on my face.  

I praise you for your goodness and grace.  I praise you for your immeasurable love and divine life interruptions.

I praise you for bringing me up from who I was and giving me a new life in your Son... That you use me for your good, within your perfect plan.  That you have molded and fashioned for me all the days of my life and have protected my steps.  I praise you for lessons and scars.  I pray I never forget where you've walked with me through and I pray I never forget the moments I have felt closest to you.

I pray I use who you have made me to be and do what you have asked of me - worthy in your eyes alone.  The world may mock, people may turn away, I may lose those I love but...  I know the way, the truth and the life...  I pray I am only faithful to that. Amen.

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I sure hope there is a God...

1/6/2016

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"I sure hope there is a God, that is my new philosophy... summed up in one sentence."  

We had a short conversation about religion and the world - everything that's wrong with both and that was his conclusion.  

I believe in the Gospel, I believe we are all sinners and that we all have one punishment coming for those sins... I believe every single person sins every single day - even the self-professed Christian of which I am one.  I also believe in John 3:16-17...
John 3:16-17 (KJV)16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
During our conversation, I was silent...  I did not speak in defense of my faith, the Gospel needs no defense.  The gospel is alive and breathing - transforming on its own.  I did not interject my beliefs onto him or tell him he is wrong...  What did I do?  I prayed... I prayed silently to myself the entire time he was speaking.  I asked for guidance and bravery,  I asked for words... I asked for an opening and heard only... Wait, listen and learn. 

His philosophy was the last sentence he said.  During the duration of the conversation he summarized the state of hate in the world, how in the name of Religion people groups war with one another - battle... Take what's not theirs... Murder innocent people in the name of some gods.  Some stand on their righteous soap box and shout insults and commandments at one another... This god, that god --- those gods.  Lovers of nature, lovers of evil, lovers of the sun, moon and stars... Rocks... Or those who simply believe in nothing at all.  

Mention was made that "Religion had its place", created when our world was "more savage" and humankind needed laws and rules help shape society.  His argument can be made that we are beyond those antiquated beliefs which are narrow minded.  His words... "We are more civilized now..." 

I saw in him, not only his belief but the tide of humanity and my heart broke.   Of course, I believe what I believe so strongly that I am commanded by the great commission to share the good news of Christ. 
18 And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.
But in those moments with him, my heart broke.  Deep down, past exterior shells of humanity we all search and seek.  Wanting to understand the meaning of life, the origins of time... Where do we go when we die? Is there a hell? Is there a heaven?  Is there God, where is God?  Has God abandoned me? 

I wish more people would say, in honesty... Their hopes like he did...  I did not speak not out of fear, or because I believed he was right... I didn't speak out of obedience, I know I will have an opportunity to speak with him again - I was supposed to hear his heart. 

Turn on the 6 o'clock news on any given day and I am sure we can see for ourselves how humane our world is...  how civilized... Parents killing their children, mothers abandoning their sons.  Mobs of people inflicting harm for midnight sales and deals.  Laws upon laws for gun control and murders, slaughters still occur in schools and movie theaters... Clinics and on sidewalks.  More civilized you say?  And people don't want my Jesus...  People want a fix... until you start sharing the life saving message of the Gospel.
 
Jesus says... Love thy neighbor as yourself... is that antiquated?  

Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman (Luke 7:36-50)
One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.

When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!
Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.
 
Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”

Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”

“That’s right,” Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.

“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins? And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”


Kindness, grace... repentance and eternal forgiveness... I can see where this message would offend.   Jesus never condemned her, never belittled her or made her feel lowly... instead He saw her heart.  He knew she came to his feet honestly searching and seeking - and the door was wide open. 

Is there a God?  Do you know my Jesus? 
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7 (NASB)

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    i am a Jesus follower.  i am a wife, mother, home-maker and event planner.  life is crazy most of the time but i wouldn't trade one minute.

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