I awake at 5 AM each morning, silence the alarm on my iPhone and am immediately greeted by notifications of new messages that have come in via text and Facebook overnight. I skip past them, opting to wait for a few minutes to center myself before becoming consumed with the outside world. I check my calendar for the day. Ok… Today is Thursday. My preschooler who will awake in an hour will need to go to camp wearing his bathing suit because it is a ‘pool day’ and I’ll need to pack his karate gear in the car for after school. Oh, and we have a playdate with his bestie at the park following that. Great. Now, plan for me – what’s on my schedule? Hill mark up in the morning, followed by lunch meeting and afternoon of conference calls. OK wardrobe informed. Check. Dash for the shower. Check emails. Pack lunch for kiddo. Now check those texts and FB updates. Ok – Game time. Wake the kid: go into his room and snuggle for a few minutes as we start the day. It’s 6:15. We will be out of the house by 6:45 and our days are non-stop and filled with laughter, joys, phone calls, emails, text messages, FB posts, witty exchanges with colleagues, and casual play dates. But the only person I will connect with on a deep and meaningful level today will be my 3 year old. Not every day. But today.

Mother Theresa said that “loneliness is the leprosy of the modern world”. 

Lonely. I am certainly not “alone”. 
 
My life is richly blessed with family and friends. I conduct mission-rich work that allows my personal and professional lives to blend together and provides and sense of intimacy, but also creates a strange sense of distance. 

In a given day, I communicate with easily a hundred people – probably more. But I often worry that if something were to happen to me, it could easily be several days before anyone noticed my absence. An image that haunts my most silent, inner-most thoughts as a single parent.

And when my alarm goes off at 5 AM, I don’t awake with anyone else’s elbow in my ribs. I don’t sync schedules with anyone or have anyone who wishes me luck on the Hill and remind my son that he DOES love swimming and ‘no you can’t take your tent to school’. And at the end of the evening when the playdate is over, evening chatter includes sweet tales during my son’s tubby and bedtime cuddles. But then the hours of alone – or loneliness – sometimes set in. Depending on the conscience choice I make and the effort I want to put in to reaching out. Because there’s no one waiting on the couch to hear about my day or watch mindless TV or discuss the day’s news. 

Look, I’m a realist and I know that marriages are hard work and many aren’t easy. And I’ll be honest that out of 30 days in a month, I probably only have energy to actually feel lonely during 2 of them. But when it comes to making big life decisions, facing hard moments, celebrating little joys, wishing for a personal cheerleader on the small stuff, sharing your faith intimately with someone, and sometimes just sharing the load of doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, or hanging a new curtain rod… it would be nice to not have to “reach out and touch someone” through technology or a play date. 

“You don’t need another human being to make your life complete, but let’s be honest. Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn’t see disasters in your soul but cracks to put their love into is the most calming thing in this world.” – Emery Allen

Lonely – sometimes – but rarely alone.

What I am increasingly present to is that I am likely also not alone in my experience of this sense of loneliness, despite constant contact. And by no means do you have to be single to experience what I describe, quite the contrary. In a world where our reach has become more and more expansive, are our connections in turn becoming more and more surface? Do we really take the time to connect with one another? Really stop, look into the eyes of someone we care about, ask them a question, and then wait… wait for their answer. Maybe not their first response, but their answer? Do we let people know that we are available for them, and mean it? Not because we are curious about their FB status update, but because we care about them?

I love that Emery Allen quote, but I love it most in a platonic context. We need other human beings to be complete. We don’t need hundreds of emails and text messages every day. But we do need at least one person every day who seeks you out just because they care to know where you are and how you are – and their day wouldn’t be complete without loving you.

My personal challenge to me is to pick someone every day to truly connect with this month. To be intentional about it. To take time. To listen. 

A 4th grader once asked me, “Are you an ‘only’ person?” While I think she meant single, I loved her word choice.

It turns out, I am ‘single’, but I’m not ‘only’.
And I shouldn’t be lonely either.

Good morning prayer...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for this day, this day that you made.  Lord, I cannot speak the words I am thinking, I haven't sorted them out.  Trials are just almost everywhere.  I've asked you to shake out of me the things that do not belong in me.  The disappointments, the frustrations, the situations (people, places and things) words that I hear that do not come from you.  Shake from me the habits you want me to break so that I may serve you with a right heart.  I feel, in my Spirit the time to be quiet.  Clearly I hear... "quiet... shhhh, it's okay".  I believe that to be you.  Thank you for this discerning heart, continue to provide me the obedience to obey.  I know I don't need to ask you to be with me, you are always here... I just ask for your loving continued patience with me and the reminder of your presence on me and within me. ~ Amen.

The Bible in my quite time falls open to Ecclesiastes and my eyes look at chapter 6 (halfway into) verse 8.

Who knows how to walk before living?

I haven't read this book before, just bits and pieces.  My Bible separates into sections.  Ecclesiastes is in the Poetical and Wisdom Books which summarizes as follows:

[Ecclesiastes reads almost like a diary of a spiritual journey.  The author deals with ultimate questions of life and death, while talking about the routines of daily life.  He reflects on what his life has meant from youth to old age, and how God has played a part in that life.]

Who knows how to walk before living?

In this season or moment of life I feel like I am on a journey which I have no control over.  Specifically reading a sentence regarding walking... I don't know what comes before that sentence or after that sentence, I don't know if I am reading it in context because I have not read fully to understand.  It speaks to me since my accidental break and subsequent boot.  It strikes me odd or interesting... that I broke bones on my dominate right side and as I watch my right calf lose muscle strength and reduce in size by almost half a teeny-tiny spark of a thought flames.

John 3:30  "He must increase, but I must decrease."

John 3:31  "He who comes from above is above all; He who is of the earth is earthly and speaks of the earth.  He who comes from heaven is above All."

My favorite verse in Ecclesiastes highlight in pink long before the desire to read it through, is this (found Chapter 3  Verse 11-14)

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  Also he has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.  I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and so that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor - it is a gift from God.  I know that whatever God does, it shall be forever.  Nothing can be added to it and nothing can be taken from it.  God does it, that men should fear before Him. 

I love the promise that God has made everything beautiful in its time.  Everything... including me... especially when the world tries to tell me otherwise... 

I also love... more than beauty... That God has put eternity in our hearts.... God not only loved the world so much that HE sent His one and only son to die on the cross to save us from our sins... but that He loves us so much that he puts eternity in our hearts...

To mean that means he's set the desire for Him within us... that we have a longing for something more and discover the scripture telling us that we desire something..  A desire for eternity with God. 

Then the Joy in the passage... that God wants us to be happy and enjoy our lives, it is a gift from Him.

But back to walking... 

I have started to read the book, I will see where it takes me....  but during my quiet time....  and the question I will stop this entry on...

I was walking before... doing, moving.  I thought I was living... Going here and rushing there.  Involving myself in projects, taking up time and space when I clearly felt called to GO-away.  I was walking before --- but was I living what I needed to be? 

Who knows how to walk before living?

I think that might be my lesson in this time and place, I will let you know.

Lego on the floor... Like everywhere! Pile of clothes on the arm of the couch, I think some of my non-grandma undies may have been visible! The island counter is collecting mail, dishes, more Lego, change and who knows what else. Dust on the entertainment center at least 1/2" thick... Maybe not... But the kids are writing, "dust me"!

Do I cringe a little knowing the sitter is coming over... And the bestie... And the grandparents (who I never allow over in a situation like this)? Absolutely... But this is my life right now.

My company has summer hours.... So we can enjoy more time with our friends and families. Today I received an email from HR regarding a "Selfie Summer contest" where we are encouraged to take "selfies" of our extracurricular summer fun!!! I am half tempted to "selfie" myself in a Lego pile with my boot... Or chillen on the brown leather Lazy Boy with my foot propped up! No summer fun here.... Until my Bestie reminds me that I have summer fun coming tomorrow! (revision see below)!

I feel like the limitations are weighing me down. So caught up in what I cannot do that I am just really not trying. So... Today...

I "took off" my big girl undies and took a shower all by myself. I was afraid of falling with no one to come help me... But I was careful and I have a shower chair.

Then I found clothes myself... Did some dishes with the help of my kids and ran a couple loads of laundry.

I think I have been down long enough.

The garden outside is changing without me... Tomorrow I will venture out there. Me and my crutches will go "off-roading" and I will sit poolside with my best friends and watch the kids swim.

Life really is everywhere and it's more than a situation, it's more than a job or whatever tasks are on the to-do list.

Tired of looking at the sky through the blinds or seeing the wonders of the desert from the car window on Sunday mornings and Monday nights.

I cannot wait to drive again... CD in and windows down. I cannot wait to walk around the grocery store without a plan or head over to the garden center for plants... I cannot wait to have my hands in the earth, tilling up for the fall veggies.

I need a vacation all over again, except schools coming- it's creeping in... The hustle of back-packs and homework... Schedules, dinner time and bed time are haunting on the side-lines.

No, I have definately done my sitting time... I think I can heal standing up...

Regaining my independence, my strong spirit one step at a time.

All thanks be to the Father who gives strength! Who asked me to have a moment of helplessness. Who asked of me to allow others to take care of me. Who has provided every moment along the way. I am thankful for this lesson. I am thankful for provision and shudder at the thought of what I might actually have been spared had life not happened this way. Lord continue to heal these bones, heal this skin. Rest these legs. Bring me through this moment in the wilderness with you stronger, with more faith and courage than I had before. Give me the boldness to speak your Sons name... Give me the words to help bring someone that much closer to you. All of these things I ask in Jesus Christ's name... Amen!

Update:   Sat by the pool... Watching our children swim and cannon ball... Played War... Played Candy Land and drank coffee with my bestie... This coffee cup isn't a "selfie" per se but it does represent a "selfie" moment ...

Five, four, three, two, one.

Counting backwards from an explosive moment.

Calling it what it is... A direct attack to this family, on this heart... By our enemy.

Conversation after conversation this week, my closest friends, my favorite people and colleagues have shared all the "ish" going on in their lives.

Big stuff, hard stuff, sin stuff that exposes the safe bubbles we contain ourselves in. Not one single person is immune. It happens without warning and suddenly you are in a moment you cannot get out of.

Then, only after something is broken, after the harmful words have been spoken all that's left to do is survey the damage and ask silently and without an answer, "how on earth did we get here?"

I suppose I could say thank you more. I suppose I should be more grateful for all the ways I am helped. I suppose the one I take for granted the most is the one who silently works away until... I have said one thing incorretly again and the rubber-band stretched and worn with cracks finally snaps.

Did I deserve what was said... Maybe, under different circumstances. Maybe in a different tone, maybe before it had been so far stretched that it lost its shape.

Would I have liked... "You know, I realize home much you do around here because I can't keep up!" Or "I know it's not like you do it, but I am trying!" Or "I can't wait till you get better because this place really needs you!"

Instead we both have been stretched so far that we broke and now we aren't speaking.

We know better than all of this. We know better than the yelling and broken glass that woke up a sleeping child.

We know better, we take our vows seriously. We don't speak the "D" word... But we speak a lot of other harmful words... What ever hurts more than they just hurt me, right?

Except it's all wrong. Not only did I let the enemy in with his arrows shooting deep into a place where I am not covered but I allowed myself to attack my help, my best friend, my partner and in the process I sinned.

I spoke out in anger. I spoke out in the attack. All the while I am only called to withstand. To put on truth and love and speak from that place.

Father,

Thank you for being in this moment. Thank you for helping me to quiet before it got too bad. Thank you for allowing me to come to you, broken and sorry. Thank you for forgiving me for the things I do wrong, all the ways I sin... For all my shameful scars... For a few moments I took my eyes off you and let the enemy attack where he hasn't in sometime. I allowed myself to forget we are a target. Lord, remove from me all the things that are wrong and awful in your sight. Replace in me your love, mercy and grace. Allow me to forgive as you have forgiven me. Show us the way to make things right. In Jesus Christs name I pray. Amen.

Our twins turned 7 this week. 2,555 days ago they changed our lives completely and irretrievably.

I always get sappy and reflect right about this time every year.

Their first birthday was a huge celebration, many many people... Circus cakes, themed swimming pools, balloons and goodie bags.

Numbers two, three and four were much of the same!

Five was out of this world, stay-cation, weekend resort... Rented the pool, invited everyone and made the celebration last two days. Five was the year we discovered Super Heros and Hello Kitty.

Six took us to the park and a splash pad. A little more subdued and organic. Six happened in the heat of the summer running between sand and slides on over to the water hoses and snakes..zig-zagging between water fun and super soaking buckets.

This year in anticipation of 7 this mommy scrolled through Pinterest trolling for things special to do. The helium balloon idea with pictures of them through the years dangling from ribbon, big themes and lots of decorations.

Instead this year almost came and went without much pomp and circumstance.   Their birthday present was a trip to Utah which was cut short. This year their big day was almost forgotten between surgeries, doctor appointments and x-rays.

Instead of me serving them for their day they served me. They slept with me on the couch and learned how to do some of the things mommy usually does.

There have been some celebrations... Their favorite Mexican food from a local restaurant; cheese enchiladas, rice and beans. Home-made cupcakes from a friend. Gifts were fun and torn through in minutes ... They got everything they wanted except maybe the white ninja!

Their best friends brought over pizza and donuts... Dinner was great. Presents again, of course that was fun. The laughter up and down the halls. The floating balloons... Hugs and happy birthday... A quiet night in.

7 has come and gone and I don't believe it registered with them at all as to how different this year is in comparison.

I would like to say that this year and these struggles have taught them... But the lesson wasn't for them...

The people that matter are here. The friends and loved ones who have celebrated with them this year are the same friends and family helping me.

It's not about Pinterest, colors and themes... It's about family. It's about shaping a day for two little people who changed my world.

It's about looking at them and knowing, on the couch with momma, huddled up in a blanket watching Disney movies is right where they want to be on the Thursday they turned 7.

It's about enjoying this moment, no stress for perfection and knowing I am the luckiest momma on the face of this earth!

Happy Birthday to my two perfect gifts!

James 1:17

17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Psalm 139:7-10

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

I want to share with you an amazing moment. It was a private moment but then, you know I like to share those things.

A few nights ago I laid in bed, in pain... My husband was working and I was alone. I had been having restless leg, involuntary movements that hurt. I couldn't get comfortable. I rolled from one side to another, pillow between my legs to balance my hips. I could feel every stitch. I could feel the joints in my ankle grind together.

Frustrated to tears.

Frustrated into prayer.

I wish I could remember my exact prayer... Having to do with His will. Having to do with my pain. Something about my belief in Him and all things being possible through Him. I told Him I knew he was with me. As I spoke with the Father something happened.

My leg, from my hip bone to my toes tingled then got warm and heavy as if something, someone, had wrapped around it all the way and compressed. My pain was gone, my leg no longer restless. No longer involuntarly moving. Still.

I cried! I praised and thanked Him... Laying on my back I raised my arms up, hands opened to the heavens and I sang.... In the dark and through tears.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I am found.

'Twas blind but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first believed.

Grace and mercy found me in the dark. Grace and mercy answers my prayers.

Pain does come back and frustration always follows. The Father is also, always there.

If I could fall to my knees tonight I would. If I could just bow down in prayer, with all my body pressed to the ground and my hands turned up I would. Oh, how I wish I could. But I am alone and if I got on the floor I would not be able to get back up.

For two days I have sat in thought about the people, places and things that surround me and my family and I am just humbled - I am just in awe. I know I keep saying that and I know you must be tired of reading it but I don't think I will ever get tired of saying it.

It might sound crazy... But I want God's will for my life. I want to walk where he's asking me to walk. Right now, I am currently not walking anywhere and I know, I know... That I am right where he wants me to be. In this moment, this tough... This really "isn't me" moment I am having some of the best conversations. I am paying more attention to what God is saying within the people, places and things around me. In those moments, the ones I wouldn't have had otherwise - had I been standing on my own two feet, grace and love poured out. I am changed; my husband and children have been changed.

A few people know this about me... And I may offend some... My pastors, I love you but I have to take a moment and be "real". I think you will forgive me as I come around... One of my least favorite things to read in the Bible is Matthew 6: 9-13. Why... Because it's usually read with sorrow, it's usually presented in a deep foreboding tone... Thy will be done... Monotone.

This morning I was not able to attend church.   As with most of the strong willed women in my family, this weekend I did too much. I did not keep my feet up, I did not take it easy - why??? Because I was feeling better. You cannot keep me down.. Unless you are God and I am not listening to you and I have filled my days with running here and there... And busying myself with the tasks I see fit to be done and God says to this stubborn, strong willed child... "Enough! You are grounded."

So.. This morning... I still wanted some of Him and missing church wasn't wanted but I couldn't go. What did I do..... I wrote in my book.... The list of names I am praying for at the moment, plus a group of our Angels who have helped us live life these last three broken weeks.

Then I asked the kids to pray... I would start and they would follow... My husband to close.

We could have just prayed... But... Matthew 6:5-15 called out to me. As I read, the words changed my heart. I understand them in a different tone as I read the passage to our kids.

"But you, when you pray, go into your room and when you have shut your door pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. ". Matthew 6:6

As I am telling them this.. In words they understand.. "Mommy prays in the shower because it's quiet, because at a certain time the sun comes through the glass above and shines bright.. Because He speaks to me there. Just as mommy prays for you at bedtime and you both have told me you pray by yourselves after I have left the room... Jesus is telling us in Matthew 6:6 that he wants to be intimate with us, in a quiet place because He is there..."

Wow... He is there in those moments and he hears us. Moreover, He will reward us openly.

Jesus said that... That is a promise.

Then... As I am telling my own kids what other verses mean...

Matthew 6:8 catches my breath... For your Father knows the things you have need of even before you ask Him.

If ever that sentence has been driven home, it's in this moment of sitting in one place. Waiting... On others to help our household run.

I explain that to my kids... The airplane, full of people... Had three seats left, the night before we left Utah... At a price we could afford... God knew what we needed even before we knew to ask for it. Each moment of planning taking one step at a time. Get home, get an appointment, get crutches... I wasn't thinking, "oh-no how will I cook for my family, I can't stand.. ". I didn't even have to think about that need because... The voicemail which I received as we waited for our bags in Phoenix said God's got this... And we were provided for.

This is all to explain to them... To them what that verse means... But really it sunk into my heart.

Say this out loud... It is amazing... Father knows the things you have need of even before you ask....

You know why? Because he knows where you have been, what you are about to walk through and where you are going!

Take away the monotone... Change my voice when I read it... Speak to this changed heart -

Our Father who art in Heaven

Hallowed be Your name

Your kingdom come

Your will be done

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our debts

As we forgive our debtors

And do not lead us into temptation

But deliver us from the evil one

For Yours is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

I read through the notes I took as I prayed with our children... And it's my sons turn to pray. What comes out of his wee little mouth stuns me to tears...

Heavenly Father - you are the best Father! Thank you for Jesus who we follow and the army which will be raised. You God, are amazing! Amen.

I had to write it down... My daughter who always says amazing prayers didn't disappoint... Then daddy's turn... His voice is cracking and he is sniffling a little.. And then we are done.

The kids run off to get changed... We sat in silence.

They get it better than we do.

Yes... I want God's will for my life... His stuff is the best stuff!

The splint, the bandages, the gauze and the wrap... It came off today. I was able to see my foot and ankle for the first time since the accident.

There have been a few prayers along the way. I would like to share them with you...

Lord, I know this break is bad. I don't want to be awake when they "set it". Shield me from that kind of pain. If I may ask, in fact... Please let them put me out. Amen

I didn't realize I prayed myself into surgery but The Lord answered that prayer.

Lord, today please see me through this appointment with good news. Healing well, no issues to report - except maybe time... I know this is going to take time. Maybe... Just maybe a full shower soon? Amen

The answer.. The x-rays look great, you are healing great. This is just going to take time. Stitches out, next week... Have you up, in a boot... Some pressure on it -two weeks out... You can take a shower this week .. Thank you Lord! A shower....

I almost asked for my phone, to take a picture. To share my scars with you. Then I almost fainted. Ha! I will spare the details... The blood, the sensation of a cast-free foot and the sight if the landscape which is now my ankle... No, too much. No picture. I need sugar or I will fall of the table onto the floor!

But then... I met a new friend.

Waiting to make the next couple of appointments I watched her walk over to make her appointments also. Back brace, walker... Crying... Why his she crying? She speaks softly to the guy making appointments.   She's Hispanic... She has a beautiful thick accent.

She leaves as my appointments are being written out on cards.

I wish I could have said hello. A moment passed.

Down the corridor, an elevator to the ground floor... The parking lot. The routine goes now, I park myself on the bench then Dad fetches the car and comes back for me.... That way me and my crutches don't have to make the trek.

Hitting the sliding doors, hot breeze catches my face. Dad and I are joking...

My heart skips a little... There she is, sitting on the bench- no doubt avoiding her own parking lot trip.

"May I share your bench..." She says "oh, yes"... And makes room for me.

We talk a bit, she cries... She is depressed and in pain. Pain she is tired of. Pain that has been with her all her life. Pain takes something from you, from your spirit and it ushers in depression. My poor friend. She sobs as we talk... I pray for her then and ask if she will let me email her.

She says "yes", eager to give me her information. She calls me her angel. I laugh a bit. Hardly, as I rub her back and give her a squeeze. I just know where she is. Not all my life but.. I know those tears and that sadness.

Today, I am thankful for that - for this... To be able to connect with someone else... To give her a prayer, a hug and make a friend.

God's strength is made perfect in my weakness...

I sent her an email, I hope I hear back.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for these trials. Thank you for these moments of helplessness. Thank you for sleeping through pain of the fixing . Thank you for the all clear, looks good and walking soon... Thank you Lord, too, for the low days. For teaching me something about strength during the alone moments. Thank you for my new friend. Lord, let her feel your presence tonight. Calm her tears, give her strength that is not her own. Let her feel you walking which her when she is alone. Help her battle the depression and pain, standing firm on your promises. Lord, for me... Continue to lead me your way. I will follow.

Amen

It's been 15 days since my accident, 5 days post surgery. 10 days since I slept in my own bed. 12 nights asleep or trying to on the brown leather chair and at least 6 nights with my children on the couch tending to their mom.

A game changer.

Fears, like when my kids are outside riding their bike and I am stuck in the house. I know their daddy is watching them, but he doesn't watch them like I do. Will he prevent the game changer.

Fears... I look at my sons forehead that bears the scar from really his first trip to the ER. We were leaving the park, he didn't want to. He was having fun... Not even a two year old yet. He didn't want to go. Walking back to the car, I was holding my son tight in the midst of this massive temper-tantrum. Daddy had the girl, on the other side of the car-putting her in as I struggled to console my son. As fast as I can type but as slow as the memory comes... My sons face was changed. I opened the car door at the same time he fell backward with back arched and screamed fell forward onto the corner of the open doorframe and split his head open. Holding our son to a table, paper cloth over his body and head, circle in the top large enough to see the bleeding gash, the doctor took care of him stitch by stitch. My son forever marked by his desire to play when other things needed to be done.

His daddy has the same scar now... Happened years later a door fell on his head, the bolt on the bottom of the door hitting him good and square... Father son, matching.

Time heals wounds, scars rarely fade.

A game changer.

My grandfather, I have written about him before. I have never stopped hearing the sound of the words; "Hi guy" with a smile, guttural handsome voice. That's how he would answer the door. The game changing day for my family. I was getting ready for work... Blow drying my hair. The phone call. Dad's voice on the other end, the words that will replay in my head all my life. "Papa, my dad... He is on his way to the hospital. They said it's not good... Looks like he might be having a heart attack". Fear grips a little now when Dad calls.

These last 15 days... Game changing days...

My children have learned how to power through fear. My son standing beside his momma, in a place unfamiliar to him... No other faces of those he loves, while his momma speaks through clenched teeth and deep breaths. Tears gave way at the sight of the woman coming towards him, his moms best friend. She scoops him up and whispers everything will be ok, your Mom is ok.

He goes off to play the rest of the day with his Dad.

My daughter, my fierce companion. She doesn't yet know how strong she is. From injury till today, she has been at my side. Seeing me in a wheelchair scared her. I tried to get her to go back and have fun, urgent care is never any fun. She refused. Insisting she go back with my friend and rest so she could take care of me after I know how I am... She cried as I was wheeled into the clinic. That night I know she heard scary things about me. No way to shelter them... We have to go home and mom is broken. That night she slept with me. Waking up every few hours to help me with pills, water, trips to the bathroom... To make sure I don't fall. All the while holding back her own tears and stifling her fears.

Game changing.

Back at home both of my kids have excelled at care giving... They are attentive to what will be tripping hazard for me and my crutches, keeping things off the bathroom floor because I have to use theirs... They have both learned how to make us coffee and get themselves breakfast. They seem to realize they are part of a team.

My babes have also been acting out, they have been seeking attention because attention has shifted. It wasn't until, after complaints to my mom and her summation of the situation... The quite words, "you have to remember this happened to them too. They are processing all the changing and new people coming and going to take care of you."

Yes... A game changer...

I am excited to see my scars, I have big plans for them. I believe God does too. I know I am weak and finding strength in each moment.

Each moment of these last 15 days, each time I thought - I.CANT.DO.THIS!

The answer came, yes you can... My name is I AM.

Revelation 21:6-7 Then He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be my son".

John 14:6 Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me."

Psalms 139:2-3 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

Again I have to remember God knew I would be in this place, broken, weak and in doubt of everything. God put this in my path and there is something amazing that will come out of it... One last thought to tie it all together for me tonight.

At Bible Study last night studying the first miracle of Jesus turning water into wine.

John 2:10 and he said to him, "every man at the beginning sets out the good wine and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now."

Then someone said, this teaches us that the best stuff comes from Jesus.

Without a doubt, He works amongst all of my broken pieces, the crazy mind pieces, He heals the scars, He is there on the game changing days as well as the days He had seen us through...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEJ8C77yy70

On my back, leg raised. What am I learning? I am learning that God is answering prayers. I am sitting back, watching in awe.

Yesterday on the way to the hospital I bowed my head to pray.   I was afraid, scared of all the crazy things that could go wrong. Will I lose my foot? Will I get a blood clot? I could die in surgery! Yes, all unlikely - I realize how silly it sounds but the unknown freaks me out. I bowed my head...

Father, I am sorry for this fear. I know by being afraid I am showing my lack of faith. I have not turned it into your hands and left it with you. I hand it to you knowing I am going to pick up the fear and doubt and wear it on myself. I am tired and weak and that is not me. Lord, I know by faith you have gone before me and paved the way. You have provided safe passage home, a good doctor to perform the surgery, love from our home churches, a wheelchair, among countless other blessings. You are comforting me with words and daily reminders. I am thankful and in awe of your very presence. I give you the worry and fear now, I will not pick it back up.

Amen

The weight was lifted, the worry was truely gone... The next song on the radio reminds me that He is always with me, He never goes away.

What follows is a series of mental attacks... Targeting the places I am not covered!

Flashing back, almost 7 years ago to the date... A doctor appointment which set into motion the birth of my children. A very scary moment in time... Words... High blood pressure, preeclampsia, stroke, emergency c-section... All started by reading my vitals. Admitted to the hospital, test, exams, machines, monitors. Panic sets in for this new mom, expecting twins after ten years of infertility.

All of which started with a blood pressure cuff which started, paused and started again the reading too bad.

After the birth of the twins, blood pressure still to high - wanting to leave the hospital but I couldn't. Meanwhile the blood pressure cuff inflating, pausing, starting again - never a good sign. This repeated for weeks. Then the depression, crazy thoughts and panic of never being able to leave.

Back into this moment, the break - urgent care... Blood pressure issues.   Doctor appointment... Blood pressure issues.... Surgery yesterday - the blood pressure cuff inflates, pauses, inflates again, pauses and inflates again... Not covered, afraid. Crazy thoughts. Mind games.

My husband can finally come in, our pastor is there as well and I am thankful!   Conversation is easy, helps calm me down, besides our surroundings it's a nice time waiting. With a few deeper questions he validates my feelings and fears. He acknowledges the way the enemy attacks a mind, brings in the fear. He prays for us, with us... And then they go. No more fear.

Wheeled away, down a long hall... Transitioning from bed to table. Oxygen mask on, it smells funny - should it smell this way? What do I feel? Nothing... The nurse asks me how I am... I say good. I have this urge to ask her a question, strange... Do I?   The cap that holds her hair makes me happy. It's so many colors; red and blue, purple and yellow... I look into her eyes and the question comes.

"Do you believe in God?" She says, "yes, but I do not go to church...." The words hang there, I am asleep.

Waking up, it hurts. I remember vaguely silently whimpering. There is talking around me, the nurse to my husband. Pain management... Drugs, overdosing, drink coffee... Eat fruit, it will help.

I want to speak with the doctor and anesthesiologist... Just to thank them. Waking up a bit more... I get to go home. I still have both my feet, there's my toes. God had it. I speak with the nurse some-his son is coming home... To visit before he is deployed. "Where is he going?" He can't tell his parents. I ask his name... "May I pray for him?" The nurse tells me his sons name... Please pray... I don't recall his name now. I am going to call him C.R. Because that it what I can remember... But God knows and will know his name.

Going home...

Stopping at the grocery store to fill prescriptions. I want to go in, I haven't been anywhere in days. My brown chair is my bed, sofa and the view out my back window is a little skewed, I do see the mountains and the storms coming in. I digress - scooting around the store in a chair with a basket enjoying being out, pain is mild...

Divine intervention, as if God has something to say....

This woman, young - average build and looks like a runner. She sees me sitting in line waiting to unload our cart, she comes over and says, "oh, hun. I am so sorry, that is painful. I have been there." She pulls up her running pants and shows me her scars on both sides of her ankle. Up each side. She says, " I had four surgeries. I broke all the bones here and I broke here and here" as she points to various places in her ankle. She says, "day number two was the worst, everything gets better from there". Then she is gone. I am in awe!

I wondered what my scars would look like, I wondered how long the pain would be an there were some answers.

Not only is there healing for this body... And my mind but also in various relationships which I have been praying about; which others have been praying about. Many ways which God is moving and his hands are at work.

I cannot help but thank Him in the midst of this storm.

My strength is made perfect in weakness... God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. All around me the tide is changing, waters are parting and His perfect plan is revealing.