My high school best friend is not the same best friend I have now. Not even close. My high school best friend journeyed with me from elementary school through junior high only becoming close those last few years. It is said that we will have many friends in life; some for a reason, some for a season and some for life. She was a friend for a season. We did not part as enemies but we did not part as friends either - instead we just parted.

I remember the day I told her, with all excitement, that I was getting married... I hadn't applied to colleges, college was out of my reach. My parents had lost a business and our childhood home, there was no money for me to continue my education at the moment - that could and would come later. Right now, I was excited to be getting married. I met a great guy who I just knew was the one God had for me. She didn't buy that... Neither marriage nor God's plan. So rather than gaining a bridesmaid - I lost a friend.

My friend's opinion was that I should wait, go to school so that I would never depend on a man; men were not to be depended on - my dad nor the loves that she had along the way. Men failed our moms... Her parents divorced. My parents stayed together though my dad remained mostly absent to us, finding the bottom of a bottle instead.

I remember my friend saying, "All men leave, wouldn't you like to be able to support yourself when that day comes?"

That was the first time I heard the "All men..." sentence, followed by the excuse of expected behavior. I remember my heart hurting for her... All men couldn't possibly be like my dad or the relationships she'd had.

There weren't many conversations between us after that.

Fast-forward 10 years... I did get married and now in my late 20s someone I looked up to had cheated on his wife of almost 30 years. He had justified it and excused it... I was blown away. His response to me, "Laurie, all men cheat and yours will too someday."

The second time I heard the "All men..." sentence... My heart broke. Really?!? My husband... My husband of 10 years, someday he will cheat on me? You know that? Those were the thoughts that ran through my head.

My husband and I were battling with infertility and the last few years had been so tough on our marriage, something I will be writing about soon... there had surely been more than once we didn't think we were going to make it and we were already fighting against all odds. To top all of that off, neither of us were walking with God.

I gave my life to God - when I was 13. We (my brother and me) attended church when my mom could take us or on major holidays. My desire to remain close to God waned through high school and before I knew it God was not much of a thought in my mind and my behavior sure exampled it.

Into our marriage we sought Him together and I looked for God with every negative pregnancy test and doctor appointment... God became the lamp of a genie I would rub. "God, if you would only..." "This month, okay God?" Church wasn't much help for either of us... infertility left me angry and alone.

Fast forward to present day, some friends are struggling with their marriage - having some of the same arguments we'd had just 10-12 years ago... the struggle is lust, the places men put their eye, search online, looking outside their marriage. My husband and I struggled with this too in our marriage and somedays we still do - anything airbrushed and made-up looks much better than what home life looks like sometimes.

This time we are walking closely with God, we know His commands, His expectations and yet we still sin. In the heart of all is sin and we will always struggle with these things but we have the work on the Cross, we have Grace... He have been justified through our belief and faith in Christ.

While sin is still ever present and in almost anything; we may lust, we may gossip, we may tell that one teeny-tiny lie so we don't have to commit to that one gathering... We remember to focus on scripture and are transformed by the renewing of our minds, by choosing Gods way rather than our sinful way...

In talking all these things through with our friends I found her husband saying, "All men..."

And something rewound each "All men..." sentence and something in my Spirit stirred... The words came quick out of my mouth.

Maybe all men (and women) on this earth will struggle, maybe we will all fall short time and again. Maybe we will cheat on our spouse, let our eyes wander, fall into a bottle of booze or needle in our arm... Walk away from our children... Give up on responsibilities... Or any number of things that happen in the world but does that make it ok?

Is that the sentence we want our sons and daughters to continue to hear or do we want more for ourselves, for our marriages, for our children and their marriages, relationships and lives? Especially as believers, don't we want to move past "All men..." and change the conversation? Wouldn't it be better to say, "Without God, all men... and with God, His power, His Spirit we can be changed, we can be made new?"

The way it has been doesn't have to be that way any longer... It starts with me, it begins at home... We can change the storyline, break the generational curses... Stand up for abstinence until marriage, faithfulness in marriage and a new life following Christ.

​I met my husband as I was graduating high school and we have been almost inseparable ever since... I can remember the first birthday we ever celebrated together - it was his and he was turning 21, most people were excited to turn 21 - I know I was... but not my husband... it was a number, another number toward adulthood and farther away from the irresponsibility of being a kid. For some reason Peter Pan just came to mind, unfortunately, I am not that far off... never going to grow up.  We celebrated his birthday in the mountains north of us; spent the weekend camping and fishing... the day he turned that number was awful...  my dear husband, the 21 year old... Man.Baby!   {Side note, my husband has also started to write, his passion is "Legacy" the legacy he is leaving, the foundation we are building in our kids for their future and their children's future.  You will see him address his own insecurities and determined passion in his blogs -- Found on my site which we will now share... under Double Legacy}.

Back to this story... I simply didn't "get" his aversion to turning another year older. 

Me, I love birthday's...  I love everything about them --- family and friends, the food, cakes and music, laughing... and laughing some more... some birthdays have lasted weeks and a few great ones have been celebrated for a month.  Celebrating birthdays, at least to me, signifies breath in my lungs, days I am able to be on this earth and in "mission purpose" for God.   

I love birthday's... except this one... this one that I am just turning... this number 37 -- ugh... I said it... shared my age... 37, 3-7.... on my way to 40... and i hate saying that.  I know birthday's are a gift, I do.  This one is just different, it's hard for me and I have been putting a lot of thought into why and thanks to my now 9 year old son, I get it.

I can honestly say, I have accomplished all my childhood goals... I wanted to be a wife and mother.  I wanted to have two children, one boy and one girl... oh yes, and he must be like his daddy and she must look like me.  I wanted to have a good job, a job which had meaning, which improved peoples lives.  where I could travel-but not too much... just enough to "see places" but not be away too much.  I wanted to be successful, the kind of successful which gave my family stability to afford nice things and take trips that I couldn't take when I was growing up.  

These goals... each one checked off one by one did not come without struggles... like... a infertility battle longer than I cared to endure,  arguments with my husband that had us calling it quits at least three "serious" times... a job that I loved which increased in instability year by year, oh, and a miscarriage of our miracle baby.  

Almost 19 years with my husband and lots of life lived, loved, yelled and argued through.  Lots of heart-ache and heart-break yet here we stand.  19 years -

If you pay attention God speaks, He works on you and in you... Life changes...  

One year and eight months ago I said goodbye to a job of 15 years that I loved - I loved my job… I worked for a large nonprofit, for a mission to make lives better for those diagnosed  with disease. I loved our mission - I loved what we did…
 
Like with any work place environment there are good days and there are bad days.  As culture changes so do organizations like ours.  Some of the changes were not good... Some had been a long time coming. Leadership changed drastically, also not necessarily good.   All along the changing tide I was preparing for year number 15, I never knew why - I just sensed something coming.   Year  number 15 was the year I was called away,  called to put down that job and move on.
 
Some say it's really hard to leave a place you love whether by choice or because the choice was made for you; they say there is a grieving process... And let me tell you, that is the absolute truth.  I mourned and grieved it like something had died. I would look back frequently on my time there and miss my colleagues, missed the mission and missed the job itself.  
 
I Missed event planning, missed hotels, I missed flying… flying high and doing great things for great people. I missed for a moment, many moments - if I am honest - the person I used to be.
 
I hadn't realized that I replaced what God said my significance as a human being was with who "they" said I was.  My identity was not mine but of this person I was while I was there. 
  
I moved on, mourning and that was not a great place to be. 

I found a temporary home someplace else...  This new place was not my place either but a stepping stone.  I know that now, in hindsight... This new place stripped from me pride and made me humble, it stripped my identity so a new one could be found, it made me stand firm in my faith and reject the world...  I had many dark conversations with God... so many rejected days.  I was mad.  I didn't understand.  I thought it one way, but He was showing me another. 1 year and 8 months later... I get it now.  

I finally turned in my laptop, building access card and parking pass...  I said some permanent good-byes while solidifying others deep in my heart.  I walked alone to my car...  a weight was gone... my lesson learned, or so I thought... 

Quite literally I smiled internally and externally as I lifted my IPhone and deleted my work email out of my inbox.  I should have been elated, but I knew - almost instantly that something wasn't right... in deleting my inbox I came to realize I had deleted 16 years of personal and professional contacts... with it died, the last remaining reminder of self I had. I know this sounds silly... but for a moment, consider losing every.single.contact you have ever made... especially in business when "we lean" on past favors and friendships.  GONE...  

The quite whisper came... "You don't need them, I have given you every single tool for the tasks ahead.  You have been equipped with your past experience for this next chapter."

I drowned out that quite voice... never... I did have a panic attack... I did try and reinstate from "the cloud"... I called, I tried... I did... and when I couldn't, I called an IT expert... my brother and he couldn't either.  Ya'all, it's bad when my brother can't fix it. 

Then... with fear and trembling, my brother quietly said, "Maybe you need to move on with out all that."  I literally responded with, "Shut your mouth..."  Folks, that was affirmation...  

For the first time in my life I can say... I have no five year plan.  I have no idea where I am going.  I am almost 40, with a wonderful husband of 19 years and a new career path.  I have put to death the "Idols" of what I thought I wanted my life to look like and for the first time I can say with absolute, unshaken confidence... I want to be on God's path - not before Him, not on the side of Him but right.in.step.behind Him.  His ways are so much better than my ways... 19 years proves all of that...  

My friend and I engaged in a conversation regarding a personal situation she was in and a comparison was made between me and someone else... the specific words were, "She posts religious things, like you."  Now in the grand scheme of it all... this sentence had nothing to do with our conversation but those words ate at me.  

There is no way she could have known, nor did we cover my internal struggle and those specific words have not left my heart.  

Confession #1: I do not feel bold in my outward profession of my faith.  I can maintain confidence in small safe groups but I must profess I do not live dangerously for my faith and I want to.  I don't want to be "religious" or post "religious things"... if that is all I am doing then I am failing and failing miserably at that.  

In my pastors recent sermon series he reminds us that we have a message worth dying for... I realize how radical that sounds to the outside world but the Saints of the Scriptures were martyred for their faith, they carried what they believed with them to the death.  They didn't back away from the truth or preserve themselves, which is what I find myself doing when opposition gets too loud.  

No, my friend... I am not religious.  

 Definition of religious

1. 1:  relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity<a religious person> <religious attitudes>
2. 2:  of, relating to, or devoted to religious beliefs or observances <joined a religious order>
3. 3a :  scrupulously and conscientiously faithfulb :  fervent, zealous

I don't have a devotion to a religious person, I don't relate to observances and I don't consider it just faithful. I have a faith and a relationship far greater than anything I can see.  There is a God who made the heavens and the earth, who was in the beginning and wrote the end.  A God who sent His one and only Son to earth to be born of a woman, from her womb... before my story was even written and while I was still a sinner, I might add... The one and only God had me in mind when He went to the cross, perfect, spotless and blameless and took my shame, my sin... the sins my past would condemn me for and He died on that cross for me. But He didn't end there, nope, He rose again on the third day just as scriptures had said and he sent the Spirit for those who'd believe and receive Him.   What's more... is He's coming again... and even better, He wants everyone who's willing to seek Him, believe their need for forgiveness of sin and live in Him.  

And since I am confessing, sharing my heart with you all... I have to let you in on more.  A couple nights ago I had a dream.  

In my dream my grandmother was sitting on a couch in her living room, the same living room she's had for over 10 years now.  And my grandmother was excited.  She was waiving a book in the air and she said to me, "Do you remember this book?  You got me this book dear, and I have been reading it.  I am so excited to share it with you, come and sit by me."  So I did has she said.  As she opened the book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, she said, "Turn to page 213 and 214, you will see that it applies."  With that, my dream was over.  

Back story... Jesus Calling is a daily devotional, something to draw someone into scripture and a deeper relationship with The One who created all.  Everyone I know loves this devotional, refers to this book, re-reads this book over and over... However, I am not a fan.  Honestly, insert eye-roll here!  Oh, I tried to get into it... I started one year on day one but lost interest mid-march.  One year, in the middle of the year, I tried to pick up on that day and continue but that didn't last a week so I retired this "beloved-by-everyone-else-devotional" to the shelf where it has remained... I think I hear the audible gasps of my friends who think I have just blasphemed.  HA!  Anyway... so there I was, in this dream, on the couch with my very excited grandmother reading page 213 & 214, end dream.  

Confession #2:  I am struggling, and have been for quite some time if you have been reading my posts for a while then you have read that, I have a deep desire to be seen, to be acknowledged and validated.  Yes, I know exactly where this comes from and I have psycho-analyzed myself, been forgiven and set free from the shame, guilt and burden of all that but the desire remains.  I know in my heart God sees me, I know He hears me, He bends down to answer my prayers, I know all of that but that doesn't mean I keep it front and center in my mind.  That doesn't mean that I always live it out.  I still want to be seen, acknowledged and validated.  It plays out in my friendships, in my relationships... with my husband and in all the various ways I interact with my people groups.  I fall short, people don't acknowledge or see and I am let down.  Hang on to that thought for a moment... 

Confession #3: "I look like light", I hear from others that people are drawn to me because they see something different... But I have to ask myself each and every single time... "Do they mean that?" "Do they really see light?" "Do they really see Him in me?"  "What if I am faking it, what if I really don't have this faith, what if I am living a lie, what if I am deceiving, what if I don't know God at all".  All those things I say to myself... Scripture says "the road is narrow and many will come to Him and He will turn them away for He never knew them..." what if I am one of them?  - Grim, I know... but hang tight to that thought as well.  

So my daily prayer has included requests to be rid of pleasing the world in favor of pleasing The One.  To be rid of looking for acceptance anywhere other than at His feet... to be rid of the desire to do as the world expects and be on His mission.  Next I pray for His light.  That when you read this you see Him.  When you speak to me about your situation, it's His words you hear and not my own.  Frequently when I am speaking with someone who's sharing a struggle I will pray internally to have wisdom to share, something to point towards Him. But I am always asking to know that I have His light.  

Insert dream sequence here... 

Page 213 says:

Page 214 says:

Seven out of ten...  Yep, seven out of ten.  That's the number of ways the enemy digs his claws into me, shoots his arrows straight to the place I am not covered over; seven out of ten ways he gets to me.  It's a little scary how well the enemy crafts his own strategic plan to get between me and God, me and others and me and the rest of the world.

In Fervent by Priscilla Shirer, she sheds light on the enemy's dark and sinister plan.  She exposes the enemy's plot and teaches how to craft a personal battle plan through fervent, specific - targeted prayer.

Not only does Priscilla expose the enemy for who he is and what he does, she points directly to scripture for the truth... Of who we are, how God loves and sees us... She gets down to business.

Fervent helps me take back my life - through prayer... Strategic - targeted prayer!

In this eye opening book I see how the enemy gets into aspects of my life and creates havoc...  The enemy comes to kill and destroy - and against me he aims his arrow:

 - Against my focus
 - Against my identity
 - Against my confidence
 - Against my calling
 - Against my rest and contentment
 - Against my heart
 - Against my relationships

Those are my seven...  But God...  To quote one of my favorite phrases in her book; We have hope and reassurance... Reassurance that always points directly to God.

In one of my many favorite parts of the book Priscilla reminds us "that the enemy has boundaries and limitations" -  did you read that?  The enemy has boundaries (he can only go so far) and he has limitations (he is limited, unlike God).  I needed to read her words...

   "The enemy cannot be everywhere at once (only God is omnipresent)
        The enemy cannot read your mind, (only God is omniscient)
     He is an illusionist, using cunning trickery to deceive and mislead
        (only God can work flat-out, unmistakable miracles)
     And last but not least the enemy is running out of time (only God is eternal)"

All of that reassures me and I am so thankful for her words! I know these things, I do, but sometimes when I am in the "thick" of life's deepest muck I need to remember that my God is bigger.  He has no equal or opposite.  There is no better time to remember this than during my prayer time - Praise God!

Prayer is so much more than saying Grace before a meal or praying your kids to sleep with request of sweet dreams. It's our direct communication line to God. It's our specific and focused conversations with the Almighty for our needs, our families (husbands and children), our hearts, our fears... Praying on the full armor of faith found in Ephesians.

So regardless of where you are with your prayer life; at the very beginning, where you never pray out loud or a seasoned prayer warrior - this book will expose the ways the enemy targets you.  It will help draw you closer with God and craft your own strategic battle plan...

Now, pick up a copy and head to your WarRoom!

Fervent is available from BHPublishing Group, Amazon or may be found in your favorite bookstore.

 ~~~ I received this book from the publisher.  All thoughts and opinions are my own. I was not required to give a positive review if this book as part of receiving it. ~~~

That is what I am thankful for this year, things unseen. 

Several years ago I was listening to a radio station, it was the new year of whatever year it was... The beginning of January, the station challenged their listeners to come up with a word for the year to focus on, maybe something needing attention in life... something that keeps coming up... after weeks of thinking about it, praying about it - my word became real. 

Real relationships, real people, real tangible outreach...  Real me.  Transformative and yet so simple.  I have tried other words in the years proceeding but none have stuck like real and sometimes I go back to real when I feel myself saying "yes" to things not needing a yes, when I allow myself to get sucked into a situation which doesn't require me... when I have slid away from real in an attempt to fit into someone else's mold of real. 

I am "real"ly me.  I cannot be undone or changed by someone else's version of me... I want and desire real relationships and I want real tangible outreach - I still don't fit into a box but all of that might be for another blog... 

This time is meant for Thanksgiving... real Thanks... 

Thanksgiving is defined as the act of giving thanks, a prayer expressing gratitude, a public celebration of divine goodness.  My personal favorite definition, An act of giving thanks; an expression of gratitude, especially to God.  

Expressing gratitude, especially to God.

Eucharisteo, of Greek origin, meaning to be grateful, feel thankful and to give thanks.

The first time I heard this word was at a Women of Faith Conference, Ann Voskamp was speaking and I was riveted.  Her story was real and I sat on the edge of my seat.  Eucharisteo, thankful in all things, for all things... grateful in all things and for all things.  Joyfully thankful and grateful.  These words, now hang in red in my kitchen. 

Thankful, grateful and joyful in all seasons at all times, giving thanks... even when it's hard to do.  I can think of a few times since that conference when giving thanks didn't make sense... like my husbands sudden job loss, my broken ankle and subsequent surgery, the loss of a friend...  finding joy in those moments for more time at home and organization, the joy in someone sending an unexpected way to pay for groceries, learning how to trust our community of "real" people or celebrating the life of someone so beautiful who touched so many... 

This week, this day,  I am thankful for the things unseen.  For walks and talks with my children.  For being privileged to be their mommy and hold their hands while they make me laugh and cry. 

Thankful for relationships which surpass understanding, those relationships which remain solid when the rest of the world passes judgement and says it's time to throw in the towel... thankful that my husband and I remain faithful and true to our vows beforefore God and have stuck it out.  

Thankful and grateful for the dozen women whom I consider my "porch-people"; those friendships which don't make sense... the women who don't want to "one-up", "climb-over" or "walk-on" someone else to get ahead.  The women who come along side, bear-burdens, hold hands and hold me up when I need it the most and most importantly, allow me to do the same.  Those women who I do life with... locally and across the miles - you know who you are and I love you, am thankful for you and feel blessed. 

I am thankful for my little church and the body that make up the church, we are few but we are mighty.  We do life a little differently than most and it's hard sometimes and messy sometimes but its amazing all the time.... Joyfully thankful and grateful.   

Back to Eucharisteo, the word, meaning something a bit more.  Made up of the word Eucharist, breaking bread - synonymous with the Lord's Supper or Holy Communion.  Remembering Christ's sacrifice for all mankind on the cross.  Something which would cause Jesus harm and pain, though he blessed, broke and gave thanks... 

Most of all, I am considering myself thankful with all joy... that I have been lost and found.  That there is a God who loves me, who never leaves me.  God, who listens to my prayers, who answers them, in His time.  God, who created me, sought after me and a God who has prepared a place for me.  My God who works actively in every detail of my life and the lives of all people.  A God who makes the impossible possible... who molds a life I could have only dreamed of into something He saw all along --- ever present, never ceasing and as I live and breathe, more love than I could imagine.

Humor me a moment…  I’d like you to close your eyes… take a deep breath and imagine…

I want you to imagine your very first best friend… who was she?  How old were you?  Do you have her name in mind, her face?   Maybe you were in elementary school and she was the girl who lived next door.  Maybe you were in middle school and she was the girl who introduced herself to you at lunch time and you are still friends to this day.  Maybe you met over coffee because you had kids similar in age and you’ve been inseparable ever since.

I hope this memory makes you smile.

With your eyes closed I want you to imagine… the first friend who ever betrayed you… she certainly has a name, can you remember what the offence was?  Do you remember how sad you were…

Now I want you to imagine the first friend you betrayed, let down or walked away from… do you have her name or their names and faces in your mind?  I do….

I want you to think of your best friend now, she might be the same person in previous thought – she’s hopefully gone through some tough times with you and she’s, no doubt, in it for the long haul.  She might even be they --- maybe you have more than one best girlfriend… sometimes it takes a team to deal with our personalities… 

Maybe you’ve never had a best girlfriend or girlfriends.  Maybe you struggle inside those relationships.  Maybe girls are too catty, too drama filled, too self-centered, too uninterested, too interested… whatever, a girl friendship is just not for you.

Friendship isn’t easy, is it?  Do we know how to be a good friend?  Is it worth it?  Do friendship and fellowship intertwine? There’s always expectations… reasonable and unreasonable… what do we do?

I can’t answer that because I still struggle myself.  I picked this topic of friendships because I thought I was good at it… I thought God had been leading me towards these relationships…  and I found out through this process that I have a lot to learn.

These past two years God has worked on my heart and opened my eyes to friendships and the relationships we have as women in a new way.  He’s opened my eyes to the ways we treat one another – openly and in the private places.

I have witnessed gossip and gossiped myself.  I have been the betrayer and the betrayed… I can name for you… who my very first best friend was, who I had utterly let down and who could not be there for me in the toughest moments.

In this time, God has strengthened some of my relationships while allowing others to fade.  He’s made me weak and venerable. He’s taken me places I never thought I would have to be, relying on people I never imagined relying on. 

God intended for us… as believers to be a community.  One that would strengthen, teach, train and raise; shoulder burdens and carry loads.  We were never meant to dwell in this life alone, without a team… a family… a very big family.

We have the perfect example of what biblical sisterhood of the faith looks like.  We have Ruth and Naomi… this seemingly simple relationship changed my heart.

Agape Love… Jesus’ Love for us… the way we’re supposed to love one another, as He first loved us…

The first five verses in the first chapter of Ruth tell us so much. First it tells us that a man of Bethlehem took his wife and two sons to the country of Moab and they dwelled there, then Naomi's husband died. She was then left with her two boys and they took wives, women of Moab, Orpah and Ruth and they dwelt there for 10 years and then the boys died. We are left with these three women.

The name Ruth means companion or friend and the name Naomi means my joy, my bliss or pleasantness.

There is a Hebrew word - Hesed. This word is used in scripture to define how God loves his people. This word means loving kindness and implied loyalty... this word acknowledges this love as one that goes beyond measure, rather than measure for measure. Human love routinely calls for love measure for measure. God's love goes BEYOND measure.

 I find it powerful and meaningful that this type of love is called out in story of such brokenness and friendship.  In my mind it’s an example of how sisters in Christ should love one another. 

We find Hesed here... After the death of her sons, Naomi makes a gesture to release her daughters-in-law. She has nothing for them, no more sons for them to marry and since women could not own land there wasn’t much of a future for them.  Naomi knew this and rather than saddling her daughters in law she lets them go.

In her own love beyond measure she tells them to return to their mothers… and blesses them; “May the Lord deal kindly with you as you have dealt with the dead and with me.  May the Lord grant that you may find rest...” and she kisses them.

The girls wept and lifted their voices - They protested.  I believe they both loved her but Naomi made a compelling argument and Orpah wept, kissed her mother in law and left…  BUT Ruth… Ruth… Ruth clung to her (vs. 14) and said to her, “Please don’t tell me to leave you and return home!  I will go where you go, I will live where you live; your people will be my people, your God will be my God. I will die where you die and be buried beside you.  May the Lord punish me if we are ever separated, even by death.” 

The account of this relationship goes on, as does God’s provision for them.  He had a plan… He never left them…

What makes women bond like that? Where does that kind of love and devotion come from?  What is a sisterhood in Christ? What is fellowship among believers?

It's the conversations had around a coffee table on Sunday morning. It's movie dates and picnic blankets. It's phone calls specifically scheduled for prayer time. It's that call from a treasured friend who lets you know her child is in the hospital and she is ok to sit alone, but she doesn't know how long she's going to have to sit alone, so, without asking - the sisterhood quietly joins her - to hold her hand, to make her laugh, to pray in the scary waiting moments and to act as a pillar, to allow her to lean in when the ground gives way.

Walking last evening with my kids, just them and me. They, peddling their bikes - helmets bobbing and wheels turning.

We rode up and around... Through the desert, along the paths and by the pool. They rode up and down the street. I walked along side. They would peddle ahead then circle wide around to come back to me. This was the first walk I've taken with them that I didn't panic when they rode in the street too far ahead. This realization scares me.

There is a wash run off and basin along this path that, since we are in the desert, hardly ever fills.   In the early spring it comes alive with wildlife of all sorts, wildflowers in bloom and sprigs of green grass. My son, he tells me in his peddling, that daddy never trusts him to ride down there... I don't trust him to ride down there... But a soft voice whispers - "It's okay, I've got him." I gently encourage him to go, to ride - "Do, it!", I say. Wide-eyed, he looks at me... "Next time mom." We keep waking and peddling.

There are quite a few houses in our neighborhood for sale, the kids notice this... Signs that say For Rent... "What does that mean?" Still along our walk we come to this house... Not for sale or for rent, with weeds growing tall - at least three feet in some places and all over. I mentally note this home in my head, to visit another day... To gift them with a service project - an effort our church does.

My daughter asks about the weeds and we talk about that for a little bit. All the reasons why and what we can do to help. In the conversation, I smile at them and say, "The things you guys think of amaze me." My son replies, "You don't want to know what I think about." He wasn't joking nor have a hint of teasing in his voice - it was just matter of fact and a bit ominous.   I told them both that I always want to know what they are thinking. That I love them and it's my job... I encouraged him to share with me.

Out of his 7 year old mouth he says, "I wonder what it's like when you die. I wonder if I will go to heaven or hell." Quietly stunned, we walked on for a bit. I held back all my mommy instinct to stop and hold him, to put my protective arms around him and tell him it's not something he should think about or worry about... But that's not the answer.

We walked... I said, "Oh, Buddy. I don't know what happens when you die, but I do know that Heaven is waiting for us. That God had built a house with many rooms which Sripture promises to you and me. I know God loves all His children and He has a place for you there. I know that you prayed to God and acknowledged Him, you told Him you know He died for your sins, that he raised from the dead for you and me. That's all you need. I don't worry about that for you - I know where you will go." We talked about baptism a little after that... And after a drawn out pause, he stops wheeling and says, "Mom, thanks for encouraging me."

They peddled happily home in excited banter. I trailed after in awe of those two. Of the gift God gave me in the raising, loving and encouraging. These are the moments which are hard to prepare for, are never really ready for but are armed with the truth.

I thank the Spirit for speaking truth, reminding me he has them.

I am a praying mommy. I pray with them and over them. My last prayers before I go off to sleep are about them.

I pray for their friends, I pray for their future... I pray that they will be mighty and bold. I pray they will speak love and truth - that God will watch over them all of their days.... I pray for their personal decisions to follow God, for one - I pray she has the courage and desire to stay on His path and for the other, that he decides his God is bigger than his fears. That stage fright can't keep him from the good and noble things.