Ignore God. Pretend He doesn’t exist… run from Him and His commands. Do the exact opposite of what He’s asking. Drown Him out with various media. Disobedience at my very core. None of that changes the fact that He is still God, He still knows I am running from him. God is still God no matter what my response to Him is.
Three weeks, or more – if I am honest, of feigned ignorance to get to this point.
I started this writing journey over a year ago, just about a year and a half to be specific. God called me to this process, I still don’t understand it… what I am supposed to do with it and why, I can’t make it make sense. It’s not easy, it’s hard. Why on earth? Who am I to do this thing?
He called me to form a group… of strong faith based women, to put them in a room together to learn and grow… to laugh and love each other… to bring each other up. To be a beacon of hope and light in this world. To rebuild the sisterhood of faith, to be a safe harbor. An Underground… But, it gets hard, it’s not easy. I wonder why… Who am I to do this thing?
So I run. I looked for the next thing… to busy myself away from the unexplainable, scary and hard places… run away from the voices that live in my head which say, “Who are you to do this?” and “You, in your smallness cannot make a difference”. The voice which tells me over and over how hypocritical of me to write the words my heart cannot feel.
All of the doubt, the denial and questioning does not change that He called me to this…
So… I prayed… I pray… I write down the scary God-desires of my heart. The desires which cannot be obtained by me, in my smallness being me… rather the desires that are so big they will only be accomplished by God.
I prayed and gave voice to the hidden parts of my heart, I confessed to the running, to seeking distractions, seeking all the other things I could do on my own – looking for a new assignment. I am turning off media and listening to the call.
Prayer time leads to His word, His truth, His promise in the work He started in me will be completed. Prayer time leads to the still soft voice, which even in my absolute disobedience speaks to me. He’s pulling and stretching me again, He’s asking me to stop running, to sit down and focus on – and only on -- the things He’s called me to.
The Parable of the Talents… If you knew I was looking for the best, why did you do less than the least… {Matthew 27 MSG}
This... is where I stop running.
Focused.
Determined.
Obedient.
Faithful.
Let the next chapter begin.
Three weeks, or more – if I am honest, of feigned ignorance to get to this point.
I started this writing journey over a year ago, just about a year and a half to be specific. God called me to this process, I still don’t understand it… what I am supposed to do with it and why, I can’t make it make sense. It’s not easy, it’s hard. Why on earth? Who am I to do this thing?
He called me to form a group… of strong faith based women, to put them in a room together to learn and grow… to laugh and love each other… to bring each other up. To be a beacon of hope and light in this world. To rebuild the sisterhood of faith, to be a safe harbor. An Underground… But, it gets hard, it’s not easy. I wonder why… Who am I to do this thing?
So I run. I looked for the next thing… to busy myself away from the unexplainable, scary and hard places… run away from the voices that live in my head which say, “Who are you to do this?” and “You, in your smallness cannot make a difference”. The voice which tells me over and over how hypocritical of me to write the words my heart cannot feel.
All of the doubt, the denial and questioning does not change that He called me to this…
So… I prayed… I pray… I write down the scary God-desires of my heart. The desires which cannot be obtained by me, in my smallness being me… rather the desires that are so big they will only be accomplished by God.
I prayed and gave voice to the hidden parts of my heart, I confessed to the running, to seeking distractions, seeking all the other things I could do on my own – looking for a new assignment. I am turning off media and listening to the call.
Prayer time leads to His word, His truth, His promise in the work He started in me will be completed. Prayer time leads to the still soft voice, which even in my absolute disobedience speaks to me. He’s pulling and stretching me again, He’s asking me to stop running, to sit down and focus on – and only on -- the things He’s called me to.
The Parable of the Talents… If you knew I was looking for the best, why did you do less than the least… {Matthew 27 MSG}
This... is where I stop running.
Focused.
Determined.
Obedient.
Faithful.
Let the next chapter begin.
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