Do you hear the drum-beat…? I can hear the drum beat and it starts with me at
home!
 
Underground…. 

The mallet hits the drum…

Since the church service at the Willow place… my turning place. 
 
The mallet hits the drum…

Underground…
 
Not in hiding and not in fear; underground, with courage, with strength with determination - underground.

Underground… please note, I googled and with my mind set on a task placed within my heart - I am looking up for instruction.

Not unlike the Underground Railroad which was a series of secret routes and safe houses used to escape slavery…   Not a railroad, not tunnels underground but an underground resistance!  Using railroad terminology as a secret code the path to freedom contained meeting points, secret routes, transportation, safe houses…  PROVISION! 

The underground comprised of small organized independent groups with some connecting “stations” along the way.  Conductors on the railroad had various
backgrounds… former slaves, people born free of all races; different groups of
people with the same cause to unite! 

Wikipedia’s listed the terminology for the underground and it's on my heart with the idea I have been given…

Agents (or Shepherds): People who helped 
Conductors: or guides
Stations: Hiding places
Station Masters: Hid slaves in their homes
Passengers or cargo: Escaped slaves
The Railroad: Freedom Train or Gospel Train  
 
The passengers themselves, were courageous…  seeking more, a life free from beatings… seeking a life free from chains and bondage; seeking a life not of our world at that time.  Theirs was a courage that came with great cost if they got caught; however, once free… to be free… there was the promise!

The agents, the conductors, the station masters, they were a different kind of courageous… Theirs was courage of what was right.  Theirs was courage of
recognizing the limitations and chains placed on a people when all men should be considered equal and free with the same undeniable rights. We were all made for more…  The agents and conductors having quite a bit to lose as well, they were not fighting for themselves or their families, they tended to be free already with established homes and families, members of a community… what would have been their punishment for aiding? What could they lose?  But… There is liberty in doing what is right, for a cause that fights the fight of this world and says… for others, we will do what is right.

Agents for the cause
Conductors to guide
Stations to provide safe places
Passengers… people who need to be helped up and out for all of eternity
The Gospel Train

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you.  ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

Sisters of the faith… stand strong and be courageous!

Fight the good fight for true faith.  Hold tight to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses. ~ 1 Timothy 6:12 

What if... what if... what if...

What if, this body of the church came together, all Christ followers, both denominational and non-denominational; those that don't typically come together... and let the commonalities of The Way, The Truth and The Life bind us together, enabling us to march forward.

What if, with our voices, we spoke together the words of freedom, love and grace?

What if, we shared our fears with our sisters in Christ and our sisters guarded our hearts, held our thoughts close to the core and lifted those up in prayer.

What if, in these groups we could fill each other up with the strength that comes from The Word we hold dear.

What if, with these relationships we build we could go back to our churches, the places we gather and begin to break the stereotypes of our differences.  What if we rip the top off of the box that we package ourselves in and get to the heart. 

Love like no other, shepherd the lost, guide toward The Faith, provide safe places, live life with the passengers... ride the Gospel Train...

Together, in this world... marching for the kingdom...Breaking chains for all of eternity!

This morning my spirit all but sang as I thought of Ananias and God's provision to see him through. The Lord sharing with him the mile-posts along the way to meet Paul. What a relief as each marker was checked off the list.

I wonder how often I overlook God's great provision in my own life... I know he doesn't specifically hand everyone the check list as he did with Ananias, then again, we are not all called to go and make friends with one such as Saul.

As I sit and look back on different stages in my life I can see the hand of God working. I can thank him for the unanswered prayer, the answered ones and the in between ones.

Day to day though... How often am I missing Him? This morning, revived from finishing that part of the Paul blog, thankful and peaceful; I said my morning prayers and started he day.

A sink full of dishes, lunches for the kids, breakfast, folding a pile or two of laundry... All before 8 am. A 10 hour work day... Dinner for the kids; trip to Costco... All before 8 pm. Unpacking the groceries in a hurry, trying to take care of the task at hand and getting the kids in the tub.  Putting away items in the fridge a jar of strawberry jelly rolls off the shelf and crashes at my feet in a heap of glass and a glob of red.

Tucking the kids in... Prayers and kisses... A cup of water... Leave the light on mom... The latter having me walk into the kids bathroom where there are dirty clothes on the floor and a billion Legos on the bathtub ledge threatening to topple over and head down the drain Toy Story style. Of course I have to pick them up... Walking over to the tub my feet find themselves in a puddle of water... I love bath night...

After all is as right as it's going to get tonight I remember I haven't really eaten dinner, a late lunch and this momma needs something to eat.

Survival crept in today....  I forgot for a  moment the lessons of this weekend.  Forgot my strong voice saying... I am not in Survival mode!

Finally fed... Waiting on a friend for some girl time and time in the word. Friday nights Bible study is Experiencing the Spiritual Revival...

Re-reading my notes from this weekend, drawing strength from women who've "been there too" And lived to tell about it...

I would like to share with you... My notes... But if you continue reading, I challenge you to comment... And pass your notes back... You never know who needs a revival that you could help lift up!

Angela Thomas--- when called to write her book "52 Things Kids Need from a Mom", thought they don't need me telling them what to do... I don't have it all together... But her heart changed and she thought... I AM JUST GONNA PASS MY NOTES BACK.

Are you ready for my notes?

Revival begins at home, with you.

Hebrews 12:1-2. Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run the race that is set before us. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the Joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Turning to God is an intentional choice. We have a goal, train yourself to live in this world.

Sheila Walsh

Storms change the landscape, you will not come out of it the same.

If we carry the baggage of guilt, shame, sin, jealousy, etc... At the end of this life we will say "it would have been better without all this baggage"

There is a difference between Conviction and Condemnation

Be strong from the inside out

Revelation 3:8 "I know your works, see, I have set before you an open door and no one can shut it. For you have little strength, have kept my word and have not denied my name.

Christine Caine

Broken pieces

God says... I gave you an instruction, don't respond with all the reasons you cannot do. He knows you cannot... But he can and will through you.

God uses the ones that aren't counted

Impossible is where God starts, when it looks impossible... That is where the miracle happens.

Bless (not curse) my "not enough".

The blessing did not occur until it was broken

Those are my notes from some amazing ladies...

I asked the women riding with me what they wanted to start seeing a change or revival in... In their life at home, work, church, this world... Etc...

Now mine...

It begins with Me. I choose to follow mighty God who created all things! A God who loved so much that he sent a bridge for me, when I fell short... His Son paved the way.

I want to see a generation of women:

Standing up in faith
Speaking out and silenced no more
Raising up from our seats and taking lead for our children

For and bringing forth a revival in this world... Loving unconditionally and serving with the heart of Christ.

No more survival... Finding Joy and serving for a life much bigger than I imagine. Holding the Regimental Flag for my home, my husband, my kids... with our eyes fixed on the Author and Finisher of our faith.

Gauntlet falls... What is yours?

Picking up this writing, as if I have always done it; that's how I feel... I wrote in my teenage years... then nothing until the birth of my kids.  Writing for you all and with some of you - this journey blows me away. 

My friends have said they had no idea I could, they are surprised I share so much.  I am surprised just as much as you are.  The personal conversations, the encouragements, the love and the relationships I am blessed to be apart of fill my love cup to overflowing! 

What does a relationship with God look like? A little overflowing, I think.  Moments that steal your breath, catching it between breathe and almost in tears.  Someone needs to read that tonight.  Do you wonder why I follow Christ?  Do you wonder why we decided to turn our kids over to God and trust that he has it all mapped out? 

Personal relationship.  Somehow He gives me what I need, all of the time.  Even when He looks like He's not there... He is and I am exactly where I need to be.  That doesn't make it easy to understand all of the time... sometimes, there is just no understanding. 

In prayer my journey has lead me to begin to learn about the Apostle Paul.  Just in the beginning unwrapping this Biblical Giant!  Paul who wrote 13 possibly 14 books of the Bible... Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon and possibly Hebrews.  Paul who wrote these books of the Bible between 52 and 67 AD.  Just throwing these facts in...

Paul... who is Paul... I have often wondered why the Apostle Paul had to become blind take up his calling and follow Jesus... to believe...  Paul is Saul.

   Acts 9:1-9  Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples. He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to
the synagogues in Damascus so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way whether men or women, he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” “Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked. “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. “Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do. The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand into Damascus. For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.

The Apostle Paul is Saul of Tarsus.  Paul never changed his name but rather needed to relate to different groups of people.  He was a Jew, a Pharisee.  

The name Saul is Hebrew which means asked for, prayed for, borrowed. Paul is Latin.  Right now Saul interests me because I have been in prayer with my personal journey, asking for guidance and strength and courage.   

Diving in I happened upon... and I say happened lightly because nothing really just happens with God, it's all planned.  I came to find Paul's prayer for knowing God's will; a prayer which I need. 

    Colossians 1:9-14   For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do
not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will and all wisdom and spiritual understanding. That you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience, and longsuffering with Joy.  Giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light.  He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of his Love, in whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins.

I needed to read these... processing these words this way.

I need help to understand, why... why... why haunts me.  Why doesn't matter.  Really. God's will.  Instead, I pray that I too will be filled with the knowledge of his will and wisdom and spiritual understanding.  I want to walk worthy... being fruitful... strengthened with all might according to HIS GLORIOUS POWER (because I am powerless without him).  Giving thanks that HE has delivered me from the power of darkness... redeemed through Christ's blood and forgiveness of sins.     

Along this study... my Father, who, in another life was a completely different man... a man who made life hard, who made believing in God hard... who was worth giving up on some days (though my mom, through faith was the only one who didn't) read the following passage aloud... which was a moment for me... a moment of, almost, his own confession.

   1 Timothy 1:15   This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.

And forgiveness comes.  For Paul... and for my Dad... and for me... and for you...

Yes, Paul was the chief sinner.  He persecuted Christians, killed them even...hunted them.  The fact he petitioned to have Christians sought and brought back so that he could punish them for their beliefs... the stoning of Stephen in Acts 7.  Bad dude right... chief sinner...  wouldn't disagree with that.  However, as a Pharisee he believed he was doing it in the name of religion, keeping to the law of his forefathers.  He believed he was doing what was right...

How often do we feel like that?  How often do we feel like we have been too bad or are too far gone for God's unfailing, undeniable love?  That we have to get rid of the bad stuff before we can come before God and say... I am sorry,
thank you for your Son... and I believe...   How often to we feel like we have to get it all together before we can accept this free gift of Grace... God's Grace, that's what it's all about.

I don't want to forget about Saul of Tarsus... on the road... now blind.  Because, as if I wasn't blown away to begin with... I read more... Ananias...

   Acts 9:10-12  Now there was a certain disciple at Damascus named Ananias; and to him the Lord said in a vision, "Ananias." and he said, "Here I am Lord".  So the Lord said to him, "Arise and go to a street called Straight, and inquire at the house of Judas for one called Saul of Tarsus, for behold, he is praying. "And in the vision he has seen a man named Ananias coming in and putting his hand on him so that he might receive his sight."  

So I sat, reading... wondering what was all that about... why so specific about the street name, the house of Judas... the vision that Saul had, kneeling in prayer....  I researched the street name, pretty common in those days.  Nothing important about that... The house of Judas... dead end in all my searches... 

Then I Googled... Why is Acts 9:10-12 so specific...

And read... it wasn't the facts... rather... the facts were the answer.  Reading on in the passage it became clear.

    Acts 9:13-18   Then Ananias answered, "Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much harm has he done to Your saints in Jerusalem.  "And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on Your name."   But the Lord said to him, "Go, for he is a chosen vessel of Mine to bear My name before Gentiles, kings and the children of Israel.  "For I will show him how many things he must suffer for My name's sake."  And Ananias went his way and entered the house, and laying his hands on him he said, "Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you came, has sent me so that you may receive your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.:  Immediately there fell from his eyes something like scales, and he received his sight at once; and he arose and was baptized.  

The facts, I learned were for Ananias... to calm him along the mission that God had sent him on.  Ananias did not understand... maybe was in disbelief at the task set before him... but took the Lord's words and walked with them...  and it all unfolded as God said it would.... Provision!

Back to Paul... Saul becoming blind... so that he could see....  Grace!

All of this blows me away! 

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your provision in this life.  Foremost, for your Son who gave his life on the cross for me, to pay for my sins.  To save me from the power of darkness, by the Glorious Power that is in Christ Jesus.  Thank you for these words and this study.  I am blown away by your love and grace that you would save a sinner like Saul.  Like my dad... like me... for those that will believe... who will call upon the name of the Lord, turn from their sins and follow the truth of your Son.  Please continue to grow this girl in your right word, that I may seek after you in all I do... to be fruitful for your purposes.  That I may set aside what I think, what I believe in my human mind and focus your truth.  Your words still me, calm me, guide me, catch my breath and I am humbled.  Thank you for your love, grace and teaching.  Amen.

Three drafts and it's not coming... Trying to write about this weekend and motherhood.  I am trying to gauge what resonates with the people reading this blog, what would be a good read... not necessarily what is on my heart. I feel like I have been so heavy... a bit dark... I wanted more of a fluffier piece, I suppose fluffy doesn't work for me right now. 

This weekend I took the kids on a road trip... selfish of sorts... I really wanted to attend the Women of Faith - From Survival to Revival.  With a husband who works nights it is hard to plan an overnight...  Survival to Revival. 

Last week... I was in and out of LA for work... my flight was delayed and driving I was kicking myself... I might miss my kids and their closing ceremony at AWANA (a club at our church).  My eyes started filling with tears as I thought I would miss seeing them get their awards for Bible verse memorization, they actually finished their whole book this year.  I thought I would miss them singing...  The Spirit then calmed my heart, made me slow down and I arrived between the pastors prayer and the first club on stage.  This girl forgets that God will ALWAYS plant me where He wants me.

Thursday was a full day of work followed by a wonderful vacation day on Friday which consisted of laundry from last the trip at the top of the week... a full load of each of my children's laundry.  Packing... each child packs their own... I inspect -  zipping open the Hello Kitty suitcase digging underneath coloring books, markers, reading books and dolls finding the clothes... bathing suits, PJ's, undies, socks, shoes, three outfits.  Where is your brush, toothbrush and paste?  Thank goodness I looked... Opening the second suitcase, Angry Birds staring at me... Pandy (my son's beloved panda), undies, PJ top... missing the bottoms... socks, nope those are missing too.  All jeans and a couple long sleeve tees; it will be 100 in Phoenix this weekend... so lets start over on this...

Packing lunches and snacks for the road... two hours in a car... four kids, mom and the bestie... rush, rush, rush... mad dash... Make it to the hotel, meet the group, check-in... unpack the car, situate the kids with their baby-sitter.... 

The rushing stops in time for dinner with some wonderful ladies... Finally at the conference settled into the seat... Thousands of Women of Faith fill the church floor, in the balconies three rows.  The music pulses - fantastic
worship, some over the top-pee-in-your-pants humor and a great first guest
speaker.  This is vacation... Vacation for my Spirit.

I already mentioned the theme - From Survival to Revival... my second Women of Faith conference. 

I don't feel like a woman (wife, mother, friend or daughter of Christ ) surviving anymore... getting from moment to moment, just pushing through from day to day... BUT there are those days and weeks; much like this last one... When your back aches from standing over the sink, your head hurts from telling your child(ren) once again that they cannot have candy for breakfast, jump on the couch, play in the dog water, fight with their sister, color on the walls, shoot water guns at the dog from the bath tub every-time the dog walks in, pick up your clothes-make sure it gets in the hamper... and so on... it's exhausting.  Those days for me are just every day... not surviving but making sure I am MOM, making sure I continually correct them because that's what MOM's do... I do it so that they become amazing people for the Kingdom.

No, I don't feel in Survival mode... I feel like I am in Revival mode!  I feel called to make a point, right or wrong to get women thinking, speaking, pushing the envelope.  Using their voices to proclaim for themselves, for their husbands for their kids... proclaim the One who saves!

Revival!!!!  My voice is mighty... Your voice is mighty... we were not called to sit in silence.  We are called to have a personal relationship with the One who seeks after us.  Nudging our hearts with the feeling like there is something more out there, so much bigger than we could ever imagine. 

The mighty voice of a young pregnant woman (8 months to be exact) who without the renouncing of her faith will be allowed to give birth, be lashed 100 times and then be hung because she believes in the living God, Jesus Christ her savior. {If you haven't read about this please read on Mariam Yehya http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2628895/Sudanese-woman-eight-months-pregnant-flogged-death-unless-she.html}

And we... live in a country where we are still free to believe what we want.  Gather as free people in churches.  We are allowed to speak as the Constitution allows... And we allow ourselves to be silenced... And we don't want to offend... And we are afraid to speak our faith and preserve ourselves, preserve our pride and protect the image others have of us.  At least that was me!

Meanwhile... Miriam, with not only her life to consider... believes in her God, believes that He will save --- BUT even if he doesn't... reminds me of Daniel 3:17-18.

17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

But even if He doesn't.... BOLD proclamation there... Revival.  

My mind immediately thinks about the flag carrier of the Civil War... The Regimental Flag 
 
The Regimental Flag in the Civil War (as well as others) took on a significant roll.  Men sacrificed their lines protecting it.  A soldiers first loyalty was typically towards their Regiment as it represented their home state.  The flags were treated with reverence.  Critical in Battle among the confusion of noise, people and smoke; regiments could become confused and scattered not hearing bugel calls the flag serves as a visual rallying point.  The holders of these flags are called the Color Guard... Required to be BRAVE, specifically EXTRAORDINARY BRAVERY... Carrying the flag where directed... unarmed and under-fire!  To face the Enemy... Never break, run or retreat or else the entire regiment would follow.  And finally, tattered flags tell a story, like a scrapbook.. names of battles were stitched into the flags; tattered and torn took on a deeper significance.  (information taken from About.com)

I don't know about you... but I want to be a part of the Color Guard... carrying the flag into battle for my family.  Going where my God directs, listening to the instruction of my husband.  Following with my eyes up to the One who calls my Heart, calms the Storms of this life, the Author and Finisher of my faith so that when...  When... if ever... I am called to renounce my faith for self-preservation again either by the person next to me getting offended because I read the Bible in public, or the person asking me what I am doing this weekend and it ends with church... or saying this song, movie, dress, way of speaking, etc. etc. etc. is not appropriate because I am a believer OR if someone says renounce your faith and follow something other than mine lest you face death...  I don't want to retreat in battle but stand firm in the faith.

I want to be the mom my kids remember during the difficult times and say... I remember when mom stood firm, when mom prayed for us, when mom silently cried when it was too hard but followed after God anyway.  I want to be that beacon... When they read this or the journal I am writing for them that gives them the words to help them through the tough stuff... and directs them back to the King of Kings in the Bible.

A mother... a beacon...  preserver of the faith... color guard... known for Extraordinary Bravery in the face of danger, unarmed and under-fire.....  Facing the enemy...  With not my might but GOD's... Unarmed becoming armed on the Word of God alone... covered with His Armor... His courage on his path.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for giving this girl courage.  Thank you for always putting me where you want me.  Thank you for forgiving me with grace and mercy.  Thank you for reminding me this weekend to love myself... to see myself as you see me.  For allowing my voice to come full circle and to see myself as brave... REVIVAL for myself, my family and for other women as well.  Thank you for the courage and faith in you to step out and do what I love to do for you... Thank you for this life, in this land.  ~ Amen

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. 
~  Matthew 5:8

When I am quiet... When I am not speaking... I am in contemplation, thinking hard on the conversation at hand, the situation before me.  I am good under pressure (unless I need 5 minutes, a few of you will understand that).  I problem solve, I work in and through a situation.  Hopefully... for the better.

I feel lately like I have been far away.  Have you ever felt like that?  I also feel like this is my very private diary... except I am painfully aware how public it is.  So quiet I have been! 

He calls me tonight.  He's asking me to pick up The Book and get back in it.  He knows I am avoiding.  I know I am avoiding.  When you are public with your thoughts, when you write so that maybe one person might benefit, avoidance is safe. I haven't been in the word, I haven't given him my time. I gently hear, "Open The Book... Turn off the TV... and sit with me."  With that the pen lifts from the page.  My heart pounds.  I am a little afraid.  Let's just say... when your Father has been working on your heart, when you know what He is going to say... And you know this because He's been saying little things all week... you have reason to believe that He is going to shake up your life a little. 

What do I need to read tonight?  Where am I going... and with the flipping open of my book... I see it!  Underlined... bookmarked... THERE... the pictures in my mind this week.

Her face, her eyes, boring into mine as if to engrain my DNA with what I need to hear at that moment without knowing it.  She says... "You are doing the right thing, with your writing.  It's needed..."  And I wish I could remember everything else... but like a flash photo... her face and sincere tone.  I remember to thank her but the impression she left was lasting.  (I know you read this... again I say, thank you for your encouragement, at that moment it was exactly what I needed). 

So when I open The Book... my Bible... the card flashes open...it says

It is for freedom
Christ has set us free
Galatians  5:1

Specifically The Book says

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.  Galatians 5:1

The passage refers specifically to an old, long line of rules and regulations set before in the Old Testament; this applies here because Christ died to set us free from sin.  One death on the cross for all time and eternity... for ALL people, to those who believe and follow him.  

Romans says there is a cost for our Sins... and that cost was paid in full on the cross.  When I said, I believe... I will take up my own cross and follow Him, I meant it.  That doesn't mean that I will always do it.  Becoming aware, I must stop, apologize, renew and turn from it.

This week I have been shaken up a bit... It started with listening to some things I didn't agree with.  I made my voice heard but the masses say - You over think it... it's not that big of a deal. 

The shaking continued into a conversation with my mom regarding a situation with family... I know I should forgive... and that is a whole other blog (it really is.. sitting in my drafts) but forgive - I can do that and I say I have... however, keep myself from making snide comments or speaking ill, that is another thing... In honesty, that isn't forgiveness - is it?  Is forgiveness for them or for me?

Boarding a plane to come home, I took and aisle seat.  This really nice looking older lady was sitting in the window seat.  The plane was full... I sat down, settled in, buckled up and got out my book.  She was so nice... so interested... kindly she asked me; "Dear, what are you reading"....  

                                     The Holy Spirit by Billy Graham

The conversation never resumed again.

Another woman boarded with her husband.  She took the seat in the middle of me and the now silenced lady... and conversation started and remained steady for the rest of the flight.  She didn't ask about my book... I didn't bring it up.  We were talking about her boys... one graduating college this weekend.  We talked about Southern Arizona and Northern California (where she is from)... we talked about event planning and nursing administration... we talked about politics, which is almost as poisonous to a conversation as talking about the Holy Spirit... She asked a question which could have swayed either way to her political affiliation, lets just say - we're in agreement. 

She asks me a question... which I am completely going to take out of context right now, because something within me stirred at that moment...

She asked me... Do you think our party is dead.  Do you think people have swerved so far from the moral center that we will continue down this slippery slope?

Brings me right back to sin... Please remember I am not considering "the party" right now... but rather going deeper. 

I am also only going to talk about my sin... and be so bold as to put it out there.

I cannot forgive.  There are three people I have been called upon to forgive.  My heart is hardened towards them.  I try, I really do... I have the hard conversations, I try and make amends... but I cannot change them. In fact, for the duration of my life they may never change.  They do not lose sleep over me... I lose it over them.  In anger, frustration  and sleepless nights. 

I cannot let go of my expectation... my expectation of others.  Forget it if you fall short...of what I expect... but don't expect me to understand when you cannot forget it when I don't live up to your expectation of me.

I fall into lust for this things of this world too... the things money can buy.  The music with the good beat which has no purpose but to divide a people... men from women... sons from mothers...classes and races... dividing people from God. 

Those three... and many others which God has heard and already forgotten... because that's what he does... Those snares can grab the best of us... those snares grab me, there is no perfection here... There was only one so perfect to have been tested and tried as no man before or since who was worthy...

So for The Book to fall open here... like lightening to my heart... The verse to me reads:

Stand Fast
Christ has made you free
DO NOT be tangled AGAIN with a yoke of bondage

I AM FREE FROM MY SIN...

Have you ever heard of Ann Voskamp?  She is a public speaker and blogger... she is uplifting to women and writes so that it resonates.  Many times I have found myself in a place to read something that will fill me with oxygen because I can't seem to breathe on my own.  Days when I want to run away from my time with God because I am not ready and those days... Ann brings me to it, Him... and I succumb. 

If you have never been introduced to her, please take a moment to read her stuff... the "good stuff" and get to know her.  http://www.aholyexperience.com/  Yesterday's entry, So God created a Mother... Just encompass the wonderful people Mother's are in our lives, was breath-taking, simply beautiful. 

My blog, tonight's blog, isn't going to be like that... Instead I want to take a step away from that. 

If you haven't figured out by now... I want to uplift, to push the envelope, I want my friends-the women I know to think outside the box, to do something scary, to write, to be bold and different... to be the salt and the light we are called to be...  the hearts we contain, the close-knit way we build our camps and circle the wagons...  my heart for the friends, the women, the mothers, sisters and daughters who have guest blogged; the friends who pass me in the halls and share with me... I think of you... these last two days.

What does my heart want this year?  My heart says, "Mother's Day does not belong to me."  It does not belong to the expectation I have for the events this weekend; the expectations really are not reasonable... is not what it's all about. 

First of all Mother's Day is not a one day event... I think you'd all agree... but that's not the tangent I am spinning.... 

Instead... I think about year's past where the preconceived notions about how I should be honored have fallen miserably short.  The moments of sadness and depression when I wonder any of the following self-destructive thoughts which leave a wrath of damage in its wake...

"Does my husband see me and all the things I do to sacrifice for this family?"  "Couldn't he put forth more effort to show me, one time a year how valuable I am to this household?"  "Where is my coffee in bed..."  "Why are we doing this, instead of what I want to do"....  "He should know what I want to do, I shouldn't have to tell him".... and so on and so on...

This year... I say... Mother's Day does not belong to me.  I take a seat behind the place of those that are truly worth honoring.

Mother's Day belongs to him... my husband... yes, I said it.  I may say a whole bunch of other things too, that may have you scratching your heads... stay with me on this...

Mother's Day belongs to him...  This man who stood a the top of an aisle for me next to a pastor and his father and waited for me to join him there, so that we could join our lives, when it became less about me and more about we. 

Mother's Day belongs to him... who built a life with me and for me... who honored me every time he brought me flowers when I was upset.  Who held my hand when my womb contained nothing but a void and sadness.  For the man who holds my secrets and loves me anyway and finally the man who helped me make two beautiful children... and is raising them with me...  Yes, this day belongs to him.

I think of the two women who hold a special place in my heart... friends who knew me better than I knew myself some days.  The ones who my babies could spend their days with while I had to work...

They helped teach this new mommy the things to do... the diapers to buy, that it was okay if I couldn't breast feed for years like other moms, when to add rice to formula, when to start solids, when to worry, when to call a doctor and when to let it "work itself out".  They listened when life got hard... and bore some burdens that were too hard to bear alone... They were the "village" in "it takes a village".  They helped plan birthday parties and made cakes... They were also the ones who would talk me off the ledge and celebrate the milestones.

This Mother's Day belongs to them. 

This Mother's Day belongs to the woman who tells me it's hard to raise grown children... she is a mentor, she is a friend... she is a mother... you look at her and you see yourself when you are much older with older children.  You see the way her life looks from the outside... you seek her advice and her ideas... then when she comes to you with her struggles and asks little old you to pray for her... to help lift her up because motherhood is too hard right now... when you sit in the stunned silence of the tuff-stuff and realize that it really does only get harder... you realize motherhood is for life... and didn't start with the birth of a child or ends when they walk out the door... Mother's Day belongs to her.

Mother's Day also belongs to the mother who tells me she is praying right now for her own child who is going through difficult times... who wont let anyone else in... but this mom can't handle her knowledge on her own so she tells a few, trusted souls who keep her prayers and worries within themselves and help lift those up in prayer.

Mother's Day belongs to the woman who decided she couldn't, for whatever reason, provide for the life growing inside of her and decided to give her child away to a woman who could be what she couldn't be... That one selfless act of loving someone more than yourself and looking outside of the situation for someone who would be the solution for the situation...

Mother's Day belongs to those mothers who sought after a child so badly that when the mother, at her lowest of lows said, "here... take my child and love and provide for him in ways that I cannot." That a bond was formed instantly... and those children grow and become people only God could imagine... the children God had in mind when he created you to one day become Mother...

Mother's Day belongs to my beautiful joy-filled friend who went through heart-break after heart-break along her own journey to have a child.  To fill her home with the sound of little voices and laughter... to have those dreams realized only to come upon some of the toughest battles a mother can go through... the illness of her child.  When the scary times were at her door and all hope seemed to stand still... she hoped... she prayed... she still believed... Mother's Day belongs to her!

Mother's Day belongs to my best friend... who's life is so parallel to mine our stories intertwine, intersect and run smack dab into God's perfect plan that we sit back in awe...

The person I can call and count on... the person who will understand my expressions and subtle body-language enough to know when to push a subject... when to call vs. text.  when to come along side and talk me off the ledge. 

This person helps me "do" motherhood... the hard stuff, the easy stuff... the discipline and the in-between stuff.  Mother's Day belongs to her...  who just this past week jumped in a pool to save my sinking son before I could process what I was seeing... She who believes in me when I cannot believe in myself...  Yes, Mother's Day belongs to her.

Mother's Day belongs... to my mom... who admits she wasn't perfect, who reasons that my childhood could have been better -- who says she could have loved me more.  Who prayed every day... before, back when, recently, now and tomorrow... always...

Who stayed with me in the hospital after the kids were born. Who helped me shower and who dealt with the not so pretty side of birth.  Who gave up lunch hour after lunch hour to go to the hospital when I couldn't in order to make sure my kids were held and fed in the NICU.   

My mom who makes every holiday, birthday and Mother's Day an event... a special moment in time... where you wonder if it could get any better - and then it does. 

Mother's Day belongs to my kids... who were an answer to ten years of prayers and hope.  Who love me even when I yell... who are learning to be funny and sarcastic... who write me cards and bring me home heart shaped rocks.  Who call me beautiful mother when I am tired of hearing the word mom... who help make my life worth living... Mother's Day belongs to them!

All of these women and so many more... pictures in my head of selfless love, unwavering duty, pure passion to love fiercely without abandon, without apology... So you see... when I say Mother's Day does not belong to me... Mother's Day belongs to them. 

It is I who must honor them...

Have you ever thought what you would do if you had a disease that may take your life?
 
“CANCER” It is a scary word, a catch your breath word.  A word you never thought you would be diagnosed with.
 
I work in an oncology office not as a nurse or doctor who patients want to see, but in the financial dept. No one wants to see us. Or should I say in the beginning patients do not want to visit with us.  Not until they find out both of us are Christ followers (my friend Bonnie and myself).
 
A few stories I’d like to share:
 
A tall clean cut gentle looking man came in my office.  After going over his
financial responsibility for the chemo therapy drugs he said to me, “I use to be
a bad person.  I was very mean to my wife and six children.  One day
I sat them down and asked them to tell me everything I’ve ever done to them and how I can be a better father and husband. It took everything I could to hold back my intense anger. And I did!  Christ is in my life now.  I now teach in the children’s ministry at a Baptist church.  Christ has changed my life.”
 
Why did he tell me this? I prayed right then and there, “O Father in Heaven why did I need to hear this story.”  I hear, “Go tell him, I (Christ) have forgiven you.  Don’t you know that?”  It took me a few moments and the same words came across my mind three times. I got up walked to the treatment room, he was already hooked up.  “Brian,” I said, “Christ wants me to tell you that He has forgiven you.  Do you know that?”  He smiled at me and said “yes”.
 
Second story, same day as the prior one; I was on the phone with an insurance company (on hold) a patient came in and said, “I need to get right with the Lord.”  With no hesitation I hung up the phone. I’m sorry can you please repeat that?  “I need to get myself right with the Lord.”  He continued with his
testimony.  I prayed, “Father, what do you want me to do?  No answer this time.

Many stories to tell; our patient’s know we are both Christ followers.  We do not keep it a secret.  We always ask if we can pray for them.  The response is
always yes.  Sometimes our patients come in just for a hug.  We cry
with them, pray aloud with them and sometimes their anger comes out. 
Not at us but at the disease they are fighting.
 
So much to pray for …”Oh Heavenly Father how great you are! Our patients need you so desperately. Heal their bodies Lord.  Comfort, encourage them, and give them strength to endure another cycle of chemo therapy.  I pray to you Father to show them your love and your grace.  Heal their bodies Lord. 
You say in your word that we have the power to heal.  I pray and believe that now.  I pray to prepare their hearts to receive your word. Comfort their families, you know the tears.  They will be comforted.  O father you are all powerful.  Words do not even describe how awesome, powerful and loving you are. 
I pray now Lord in Jesus name. Amen.

James 5:14-16 “Is anyone among you sick?  Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over them, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up.  And if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him.  Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.  The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

Bill, he is a special man to me.  His cancer is throughout his body.  He is a disciple in every sense of the word.  He was a minister in Ireland; you can hear that Irish
brogue accent when he speaks.  Bill’s ministry is while he is waiting for his appointment he sits next to someone to talk to them about eternal life in Heaven.  God has not healed him but has opened a door to the multitude.  His daughter from out of state told him, “Dad, Our Father has many mansions and He’s prepared one for you”.

John 14:2 “In My Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for
you.”

“Stop telling God how big your storm is Instead tell the storm how Big your God is”
 
This is what my co-worker (Bonnie) writes, “What would happen if I was diagnosed with a terminal disease?  I would like to think I would give all my concerns to God – I would ask God to help me to “wear” my testimony to His Glory – When we are Christ followers we need to realize that we are closely watched by everyone around us – family – friends – seekers – unbelievers; watching us closely to see Him in our lives and in our situations.  You actually “say” more with your actions than with your words!  Make all your actions Christ-like.  Be a reflection of His strength, His peace. 

As for me, I don’t know what I would do.  I only know what I should.  I should radiate God’s Glory in all things.

He calls and tells me she is not good tonight.  I am asked to give her a call and check in.  I am asked to help cheer her up. 

I am busy right now... I have friends over.  I have welcomed them into my home and I need to tend to them.  I wish I had stopped at that moment and done what I was told.  My house was full... she was alone...

The friends were gone, I am heading out to finish the night off poolside with my kids and best friend... golden arches and drive through window.  Easy night and the setting sun.  I call her on my way, like I was asked. 

Her voice is broken and weak... it is a bad night for her.  She cries and tells me she's lived too long... her husband has been gone too long, she's lived too long without him.  

Her husband was born April 5, 1923 in Ohio... He passed away July 20, 2005.  He was a loving father, husband and grandfather who has been missed every day since.  He served his country during WWII in the Navy on the USS Biloxi which was in nine major battles in the Pacific.... At the time he was survived by his wife of 57 years... His son and three daughters and six grandchildren.  

He is now survived by his wife of 66 years who has lived without him for 9. She is still very much married to his memory.  He is now survived by his son and three daughters and six grandchildren and five great grandchildren that have come since his passing.  Those that carry on his stories, the family's stories since his passing. 

She's lived too long... how sad that she got to that place that she doesn't feel that she's important or loved; just alone and has exceeded her usefulness. 

The following Bible passage which has been spoken to me not once but three times in separate circumstances affirms what I know I need to do, laid upon my heart and confirmed in a conversation...

1 Timothy 5:3-8  Honor widows who are really widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God.  Now she who is really a widow, and left alone, trusts in God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day. But she who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives.  And these things command, that they may be blameless.  But if anyone does not provide for his own and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

I called her again... yesterday... to ask if I could stop by... to sit and be with her... she's cheery today.  She's in a better place.  Her voice isn't so weak and broken... she is the woman I know.  And she... apologizes to me...  apologizes to me for being so sad, she hopes she didn't bring me down... she's sorry for getting so upset.  I tell her it's okay, she didn't get me down or make me sad...

I was mad at myself for forgetting the widow... for allowing myself to get so busy I don't go and see her, I don't call her on the phone... I don't help to fill that empty void... to sit on the couch in her home and fill a space or sit at the table which 16 used to sit at for dinners...

I am the grandchild that has not shown piety and repaid.  I am worse than an unbeliever... To this woman who has always given me all she has... I get too busy with church, motherhood, work, life... to remember to love with time and sit with her.

So... today... I have made her lunch.  I am giving her my time so that I can drink in hers... so that God can bless us both with this purposeful time.  I am also putting her on my calendar... set in stone... once a week... Lunch with Grammy... so she does not feel forgotten... alone... past her time. 

Thank you God for this reminder for this gentle correction... I am listening... my head is bowed... I am humbled for your love for her, your daughter even at her age and for me... for loving grace you have showed me and reminded me to be your hands and feet.  Amen.

While I wait on my friends to send me their pictures... for God to work on them, quietly nudging them... I want to share my space...  my center!

I work primarily on email... hundreds a day... back and forth, being copied on, replying to, forwarding and coping and bcc-ing...  

We have to much to say and at the same time we don't say much at all.  It's exhausting.  

Like my friend, whose office I was blessed to sit in last week.  Front and center on my desk are verses from the Bible that speak to me daily.  The one on my desk right now is from an email (again with email) dated April 24, 2014.  It says...  Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.  May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on firm footing.  ~Psalm 143:10 

Too often I find myself on a call, getting upset with a situation or something that is out of my control or reading an email from a colleague who's just attacking something I have missed or not done correctly wondering why on earth I can't just get thanked for ALL the things I have done right...  Well, it's because we're all taught to work and produce excellence and sometimes there is no grace!  Whelp, folks... I am not excellent all the time... I need reminders to do better and to perform better.  So right now...

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.  May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on firm footing...  Right now... that verse brings me back to center... amongst all the other noise!

....Teach me... your will not mine!  Give me Grace and Lead me... Lead me so that I may follow...Lead me so that I will not step out ahead of you... Plant me on firm footing... Your firm footing God... right on your word...  and go one step further --- KEEP ME HERE... in this frame... your will, not mine.  Your Grace for me... Lead me your way... PLANT me, like a bush... in the good soil where my roots can dig deep... where I cannot be moved from you.

Why does this apply to work... because... IT rather HE applies to everything for me.  Like my colleague... I need to remember that I am not whatever situation I am in.  I am not supposed lash out and speak unkind.  I am supposed to remain firmly planted in his will for me...

A few of the rest of the verses that sit on my desk remind me who I am supposed to be... of who God has called me to be.  Sometimes I fail at it... sometimes miserably... but that's where Grace comes in... God's Grace..

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Colossians 3:12

The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose.  And both will be rewarded for their own hard work.  1 Corinthians 3:8

A gentle answer deflects anger.  Proverbs 15:1

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than people.  Colossians 3:23

So be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

He is my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, my rescuer.  He is my shield, and I take refuge in him.  Psalm 144:2

AND let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts.  For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.  Colossians 3:15a

I can only try... I can only hope... That I live that way with every breath... and when I fail... I remember who I am... to acknowledge, to apologize, to forgive others and myself... and to move on.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!