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When forgiveness, love and grace collide

2/28/2014

Breathe... and exhale! Do you feel that? The weight being lifted off your shoulders... It's Thursday! Tomorrow is the end of this wonderful week.

Someone asked me today, "How is your day... " I said "Good". She said, "Yes, if we keep saying it maybe it will be so". Interesting thought... Yes, maybe... Good by osmosis!  It really has been a wonderful week. Stressful at times and certainly never enough moments for the good stuff - the God stuff, the Family stuff, the Friend stuff.

Tonight, my mind is swirling. So many things I want to write about, talk about, get off my chest about. Where to begin? Breathe.

Let's talk about answered prayers.... Lets talk about your kids teaching you hard life lessons... when you think you are teaching them and then the lesson comes back and smacks you upside the head.

Forgiveness was one such lesson this week... there is a person I let down, someone I just could not make friendship work with, high expectations and several low disappointments. Somewhere along the way the value of our friendship decreased. We made less and less of an effort, until there was no effort to be made.

How does that happen, exactly? Over time... over lots of time. Then one day... no more. My children asked for her, I told them as much truth a six year old can understand, turns out, they understand even the unspoken truth. "Mommy when are you going to get your friendship back"... the only answer I could muster was "Never buddy and sometimes it has to be that way"... Except it doesn't. It really doesn't. Sunday's calling was not to just write, here yes, for sure... but also to her. To her... and tell her it was okay and it wasn't okay.... I prayed over the card. I prayed for an answer, I prayed for it to be received well. I just prayed for a lost friendship that I never expected back. I showed my kids, I let them know I was writing to her.. and in the blue box it went.

Tuesday night... there was a knock at the door. Unexpected.... for sure... hugs, tears, conversation... the beginning of forgiveness... Unconditional love in truest form.  A hard life lesson learned!

The necklace I've been wearing almost daily... a gift from this friend a long time ago... A gift three of us friends share... says ~ The story of friendship is written on the pages of the heart... the other side says ~ I'm a better ME because of you.

In sadness I wore it, remembering to be a better friend... A better friend for the friend I let go and the other friend to far away to forget.

I am a better me because I let one down, I am more aware of the value of true love and friendship. I am a better me because when I was down, sometimes the two of them carried me... I am a better me because there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for them...

Forgiveness... Grace... Absolutely humbling.

                                                               Love never fails... 1 Corinthians 13:8

In church a few weeks ago our Pastor took a moment and asked all of us to reconcile hurts and wrongs. To rid ourselves of situations we were carrying... if we needed, to go outside, make a tough phone call. A great sermon for sure - impactful, thought provoking... but to do it.... oh, to actually do it! To admit the areas you failed, to look someone in the eye and say I am sorry... what could that do?

                                                 It.can.set.you.free!!!!

I am not saying all is forgotten, I am not saying we can move forward from the exact place we were... But I can say "all is forgiven"... and I can move forward with that!

There is freedom in forgiveness. There is grace in unconditional love...

There is heaven when forgiveness, grace and love collide!

My prayer tonight for you my friends is simply this...

Dear Heavenly Father!   Thank you for this wonderful week! Thank you for the days that you made... all 7 of them. Thank you for the beauty all around us.

Thank you for loving us through our toughest lessons. Thank you for showing us your love and grace by sending your Son to die on the cross for us. Thank you for helping us to remember that we are not perfect, that we all make mistakes and that we need to extend the same love, grace and forgiveness that you extended to us ~ even when we were not worthy... you loved us all enough, sent your Son and made us worthy. We are ALL worthy of love, grace and forgiveness.

Thank you Lord for this lesson, thank you Lord for my children who help show me the truth...

Help us work through tomorrow... with love and grace.

In your Sons name I pray ~ Amen.

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Wake up call...

2/25/2014

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It's 2:00 am... I haven't had a nightmare like that in a long time, and yet, it's the second bad dream this week. I still smell the stench of the images which came alive in my mind. Where on earth did that come from? Where on earth, exactly... I have heart-burn... I am awake now.

The lure of the dishes left in the sink last night calls me out of bed as does making lunches... Opening the new bag of espresso, Ah, the good stuff, I breathe it in!

I need more of the good stuff, the God stuff... the stuff that will really get me through this incredibly long day I have just started. The devotionals are amazing...

But not as amazing as the voice I hear in my head, the whisper that says Psalm 34... the verses that jump from the page as if in 3D and sit tight on my heart, weaving their words in... hiding themselves for me to all up when I need.

I want to share with you...

1 I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
4 I sought the Lord, and he heard me. And delivered me from all my fears
13 keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good: seek peace and pursue it.
18 the Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
22 the Lord redeems the soul of his servants, and none of those who trust in him shall be condemned.

My prayer this morning...

My God! Thank you for all you have blessed me with. Thank you for who you are, above all else. Thank you for the blessings in this life.  My husband, my children, our health. Thank you for a roof over our heads, cars to drive and food on our tables.  Thank you for the jobs that provide these things. Thank you for the opportunity each day to get up and choose to put your word before the day, before the to-do list starts.

Thank you for your glimpses of Heaven on earth... the morning sky, the colors - light pink and blue, purple... yellow... breaking the dark of night.  Thank you for the birds that sing. The sun which will warm the day.  Thank you for the flowers that have started to bloom from the dead of winter...

Thank you for your love and saving Grace... Love and Grace I did not deserve, but you came down anyway to seek me out, to seek us all out. I thank you for that love. Please help me to be a blessing to others today. Please help me see all the good in this life and help me to be more like you.

In your sons holy name I pray... Amen.

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Ultimate Victory!

2/23/2014

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The draft I've been working on is suddenly deleted... It was there, I was typing it. I started on it last Sunday, I couldn't finish it. It was too close to my soul and now, all the words are gone. As if to say, not now... or not ever; I do not know.

As if to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened because that is what we do, what we did… pretend it wasn’t happening. Pretending life was perfect, even when it wasn’t.

Or maybe the words I was typing didn’t do the blog justice, didn’t do the history justice.  The words didn’t come quickly as they do now. There was no fire. There is fire now.

I know what it was, is, can be; the monster that lived in the dark, in secret… in public.  We all have one or know the one; either one we battle or one that takes
over someone we love. It comes in many forms… it comes in the form of a sickness; depression, addiction, illness – cancer, heart disease, disorder of some form which changes the course of life, shatters perfection. Perfection
imaginary, real, wished, hoped or desired.

The monster, many of you, by now, has given it your own name.

Mine was Infertility!  It robbed my early marriage, robbed the bliss of the easy way it is for some couples… Before that, it had another name.

Alcoholism!  I pause over each letter and type it slowly. Ten letters that make up living hell! Letters that resound over flashes of memories which make up the other part of my life; this word, I cannot claim, it’s not mine but someone I love.

With my Infertility, I had to work at the end result. Work at having a life I wanted. I had to put actions behind the inaction of having a child.
I had to live the disappointment, struggles, pain and fear.  I had to put my hopes and faith into something else, someone else… someone bigger.

The Alcoholism… same can be said of that. The person living through that… they have to work at the end result.  They have to work on the life they want to have.  They have to put the actions behind the inaction of succumbing to taking
another drink. They have to live with the disappointment, struggles, pain and fear.  They have to put hope and faith into someone bigger; except they can’t -
they can’t see past the next time, the next drink.  It doesn’t hurt anyone else.
They don’t think. It becomes their only friend.

There is hope. Hope behind these words… there is a saving grace!

My heart bears the marks of my life; this sentence I have heard before and it stayed with me. It’s true though.  My heart, my soul, my very person bears the marks and the scars of my life. For myself, the children my husband and I fought for, prayed for… the blessings we were given; the physical scar of their birth.

My heart also bears the marks and scars for the ones I love who’ve battled, lost and won!

To withstand, overcome triumphantly!

Withstand: To stand or hold out; resist or oppose, especially successfully

Overcome: To get the better of in a struggle or conflict; conquer; defeat: to overcome the enemy.  2) Prevail over (opposition, a debility, temptations, etc.); surmount; to overcome one’s weaknesses. 3) To overpower or overwhelm in body or mind, as does liquor, a drug, emotion. 4) To gain the victory; win;
conquer.

Triumphant: Having achieved victory or success. 2) Exulting over victory; rejoicing over success

My friends… what are you praying for tonight? What is the monster you will away by shear hatred, unconditional love and unwavering faith?

God knows those names, the people you are praying for and you don’t even have to utter their name. God knows. He hears their struggles… he hears you. He hears your struggle.

Tonight I read in Guidepost this verse that I will leave you with. It was powerful
for me, the primal growl that when you are at the end of your rope, the moment
you feel like the monster has won and the rug is being pulled out from under you like a magic trick…

   The Holy Spirit speaks the words I can’t utter.   --- Daily Guideposts 2014

Likewise the Spirit helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groaning which cannot be uttered.  Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the spirit is, because he makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:26-28

Rest there dear friends…. There is ultimate victory!

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"Sleeping over"

2/20/2014

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When my babies were born it was an emergency situation. I felt fine but I was sick. Six weeks early they entered this world and life was forever changed. Presented side by side, I barely remember what the moments looked like except for pictures. I do remember their cries, I remember the rush of the delivery room... The bustling of people coming and going.

Both of them perfect in everyway, except early. My beautiful daughter had a special kind of strength (still does)! She needed some oxygen and a feeding tube, she was definately healthier. I didn't know it at the time but my son needed more help than that. I actually didn't know that they had to work on him a little more, I didn't know until their 5th birthday when I watched their birth video in its entirety that they had to work on him a lot! He was the one I couldn't hold, he was the one that came home last and since he's had more health issues than his sister. I know it's not uncommon for premature boys...

My daughter... She comes from good stock. There are a long line of strong women in her past!

My own beautiful mother who is stronger than she knows. Faith, hope and love surround her all the time.

Both of my grandmothers... Each couldn't be more opposit but contain fire and strength all their own. Each have raised four children... Both in war, both in times of plenty and scarcity. I've also heard stories of their mothers... I wish I would have known them.

The other side of our family... my husband's mom and his grandmothers are and were amazing as well. Strong, loving, hardworking, thriving...

I reflect on these things tonight as my kids have a "sleep-over". That's what they call it... They take turns sleeping in each other's rooms. We don't do it a lot, we don't need for that habit to form, but we do allow it because these are the moments where memories are made.

I remember bringing them home from the hospital. First my Faith-child, two weeks before her brother. She slept the entire night on my chest... We slept sitting upright in the living room. The first few nights were hard... The days of back and forth to the hospital, leaving her with family so I could go and see her brother... In those two weeks she never quite seemed at peace.

Until we were able to bring him home and place them side by side in the pack-n-play. I still remember the way they rolled so naturally into each other and the peace that overtook our hearts and their faces as we were all complete...

As they "sleep-over" tonight I am touched that they can still comfort each other in this way... When the night gets too dark and one is afraid... Or on nights like tonight and daddy is working, when they miss him the most. They roll into the same room and are at peace, he still seeks her out and is comforted in her quiet strength.

Sleep well my friends!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and
humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke
is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

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Short and Sweet tonight

2/17/2014

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Hello my friends! I hope this week has been good to you. Monday was a holiday for me so I was able to take my kids to school and attend Monday morning Chapel with them. Their week always starts with chapel.

In chapel they start off with pledges, the Pledge of Allegiance, Pledge to the Christian flag and Pledge to the Bible. The principal speaks and welcomes them all in. Older kids read verses, someone leads worship songs and at the end there is always a small bible lesson.

I've wanted to go to this with them since they started school but haven't had a moment... this week's Presidents Day holiday gave me that occasion.

In Arizona we celebrate Rodeo, most kids will be off the latter part of this week; in preparation of all things Rodeo this week Chapel had a Rodeo theme. It was so much fun to hear some of the great worship songs sung with a western feel... it was different for sure.

The lesson struck a small chord with me... I moment where I thought... "I have never thought of it that way before". The story came by way of Job... Job, if you aren't familiar had a tough life, he lost --- everything... he was a good and faithful follower of God, too good by Satan's standards and God knew that Job would be faithful through trial and temptation. So Job lost his family... he lost his health, he lost his animals... he lost it all... and then God restored... I love typing those words... God restored... two powerful words!

But... that is not what grabbed my attention... Job is speaking to his critics... He was blameless in sin and bad things happened to him... and he's talking to all of his friends and they laugh at him and mock him... but Job turns to all the creatures God has made and points to them...

But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky and they will tell you; or speak to the earth and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. Which of these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind. Job 12:7-10

Everything in this life has a purpose, has a job to do, was designed to do what God intended them to do... since it's Rodeo, like I mentioned before... they brought the conversation back around to cattle roping. How the Cowboy has to rope the cow but it's the horses job to make sure the line is tight so the cowboy can do his job... the horses eyes are trained on that rope... focused on the job at hand.

All I kept thinking was... am I focused on the job at hand? God has assigned me a task, am I working on it for him, with him in mind? I sure hope so... I believe so.

Today I was able to attend the Rodeo with my kids, I've never been and I've lived in the desert southwest all my life. The kids enjoyed every single bit of it and were sad to leave when the morning was over. I loved it just as much as they did... especially when I consider working on the job at hand.

I continue to pray for you... Enjoy Wednesday my friends!

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In recognition of moving on...

2/16/2014

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My friends! It's been awhile... I've missed you! I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day... I hope you all went out and did something kind for someone else.

Walking into the office on Friday, sitting at my door was a box of chocolate covered strawberries. No card... no name... no recognition... I suspect I know who was kind enough to brighten my day in such a sweet way... and as you suggested because I truly don't know... I am putting the thank you out there for all to see. Thank YOU for taking the time to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day! Your thoughtfulness was exactly what I needed.

Tonight I am sitting on the quiet side of the weekend. In quiet contemplation. I have been working on me... issues big and small. Taking a step out to possibly discuss them tonight. We'll see how tonight's blog pans out.

Yesterday was a challenging day for this mom... my house is just never clean enough, there is always something undone. I spent a lot of time on my knees, though not the right kind of time... I don't mop very often but when I do I am on my knees with soap and water... Three changes of water later and an aching back, knees, shoulders, joints... ugh I am feeling like an old lady. I know mopping isn't an Olympic sport but it feels like one.

So while down on the floor, I am cleaning cabinets I haven't done in along time, baseboards, cabinet knobs.... till I run across some toys that my kids used to play with when they were toddlers, long ago forgotten... haven't sung a tune in who knows how long... they used to love these. Chubby hands fitting together the pieces, bouncing on their diapered bums to the songs. Giggling when the pieces weren't placed together to make the correct thing and the funny song would point it out. These aren't at my daily view so they have hung-out way to long on the dishwasher. Time to say goodbye I think.  A Disney Toy Story moment for sure, slowly recognizing the baby/toddler moments are long gone.

This weekend, with these two... testing every single boundary, pushing every single envelope, talking back -- talking at -- choosing to go their own way. UGH. The chore, which I've allowed them to ignore much to long because it's much better to have fun, play with friends, go out an do verses stay home and do what needs to be done... the chore is cleaning their rooms. It's still not done. We'll tackle more tomorrow, or rather this mom will while they are at school.  There was a resounding "I am not doing this chore" this weekend... nothing explains it more than "The Note"... the note I made my daughter write to her teacher, explaining why she can't go on the school field trip this Tuesday to the Rodeo. The note says this:

        Dear Mrs. F,
        I will not be able to go to the Rodeo this week with my class. I was not a
        good listener at home and I did not obey my mom. Instead I decided not
        to clean my room.

        Signed,
        Faith-Child

UGH... you'd think there would have been tears... you'd think she would have been upset... nope! She wrote it out in minutes and put it in her back pack. What do you do with that defiance? I am at a loss...

It's not about my discipline though... it's not about all the ways I lost it with my kids this weekend... I can make up for those weak moments.

It's about recognition, I think.... that is all I seem to be focusing on. Do you recognize me? Recognizing that they are older, need a little more grace than before... Do you see me?

This past week, working on this blog, I've been so caught up in numbers... the sheer numbers astound me, what you are reading and when and how many of you there are. I post things that are hard for me sometimes, I crawl out onto that limb and sometimes I dangle... sometimes I stand.... and sometimes I hold on for dear life. The posts go out and are met with silence. I wait... and sometimes nothing happens. It was frustrating, it was maddening! No comments... No recognition. Then the writing kind of ceased within me and I prayed...

I prayed... and had a lunch date with my Father.

Before I get into that... let me tell you about the coffee creamer! My dad loves, loves, loves coffee. He's always making coffee. When we go visit, I love to have a cup of coffee with him, but he hardly ever has my kind of coffee creamer. I don't like the one he drinks... So we made a deal, I will have coffee with him, if he gets me the creamer I like. So he keeps two kinds in the fridge... mine and his. Well the last time we had coffee together, he decided to by the "off-brand"... Why would you mess with your coffee creamer? Why stray from the "staple"... That is exactly what I asked him... and his response... "because I felt like that flavor and your brand didn't have that kind... sometimes, it's not all about you"... Nope, sometimes it's not all about me!!! Match Point... the volley was over!

Back to lunch with my Father... I took my bible and went to Starbucks for coffee and a sandwich. I needed to be away, I needed to read. Nothing flowed from me, there was no passion or drive to write. I was seeking recognition the past few days and I needed to work it out.

I was working on my Valentine Blog, I knew I had this picture in my mind for what it needed to be but I was so caught up in the recognition that I couldn't get to it. I was seeking quotes on love, on God's love and I happened upon a couple of verses... in devotion and study.
For the administration of this service not only supplies the needs of the saints, but is abounding through many thanksgivings to God. 2 Cor. 9:12

But love your enemies, do good and lend hoping for nothing in return; and your return will be great, and you will be the sons of the most high. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Luke 6:35

And finally... And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus giving thanks to God the Father through him.... Col. 3:17

I get it... Light bulb! It's not about me... this has nothing to do with me but all of you my friends.

I am humbled, blessed and privileged to be having some amazing conversations with you all offline. The personal ones that touch my soul as you all share some of your closely guarded moments. I hear you and I take you home to pray over you.

The loneliness.. the humbling conversation about not knowing how to pray for yourself... the friend who is going through divorce... a miscarriage... the losses... I am at a loss... My friend who posts to Facebook and I see read your pain. Sometimes you just have to write it down.  I am putting it out there. I am praying for you. I recognize the pain, the tough situations. To the beautiful person who said... "you know I am not a religious person but I welcome your prayers anyway"... you've got it.

I have a heart for every.single.one.of.you!    So in conversation or in silence... I am doing what I am told, only that and no more.

Have a wonderful week every one.

XO

And from wonderful Ann Voskamp... this reminder this week... from her blog... Good stuff!

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Not your typical Valentine!

2/13/2014

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Pardon me a moment while I reflect on one of my favorite
holidays… I know it’s not most people’s favorite; cynics call it a man-made holiday designed by Hallmark to sell more cards.

Most everyone knows the stories of Saint Valentine, of Christian Martyrdom, etc. I don’t read all that much into Valentine’s Day except what it is for some people and what it is for me.

On Valentine’s Day you are either with someone or you’re not. You are either a couple or your single. I know it can be considered a painful physical reminder of one’s aloneness.  It hasn’t always been a holiday I have celebrated and it might not always be one of my favorite holidays in the future for those reasons.

Valentine’s Day is a day I get to celebrate my love for my husband, Valentine’s Day is also our wedding anniversary; 16 years this year. I cannot say these have all been wonderful years because that’s not the truth. Some years were hard, filled with sadness and wrought with trials and lessons we had to learn.
Some years were fantastically tiring… some were mundane because it gets
mundane after a while. Some years were explosive with love, laughter and comfort sitting next to my soul-mate watching TV in sweat-pants sharing a bowl of potato chips (can you tell which year we’re in). These years; the beginning, the in between and someday the end all make up my marriage.

My kids are obviously learning about Valentine’s Day this week, they will celebrate with their class by handing out home-made cards and store bought candy. One of the things I am hearing in our car rides, during bath time, at dinner and whenever it pops into their heads is…

                        1 John 4:19 - We love because he first loved us.

We love because he first loved us… How did he first love us? Did he send us cards, heart boxes filled with candy, romantic dinners and promises of nights filled with love? Did he send us flowers? Did he send us gifts?

                                       We love because he first loved us…

Just as with a card; He loved us by providing us an instruction manual for life. He gave us this gift of His word and His promises… His promise wasn’t easy or free and it doesn’t guarantee us safe pass in this life.  He said there would be troubles and struggles but He promised to walk through it with us.

Expensive dinners… did he woo us there? As he broke bread with his friends,
indicating one of them would betray him he still shared of himself; giving his
friends the secret sauce to eternal life. Body and Blood; Bread and Wine.    Matthew 26:28 - For this is my blood of the new covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

Sent us flowers and every beautiful thing on this planet; that’s how he
showed love… Genesis 2:9 - And out of the ground the Lord made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food.

Ultimate protection and freedom from fear - 1 John 4:18-19 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.  We love Him because he loved us first.

Salvation for the whole world! John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have ever lasting life.

                                                         JESUS!

                                  Yes, we love because he first loved us…

So maybe this year instead of focusing on what it’s not for you or maybe
if you are blessed with family and friends in your life; maybe this year you go
out on a limb and live and love like Jesus… One person at a time!

By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brethren.  But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?  My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth ---  1 John 3:16-18

                                       Happy Valentine’s Day my dear friends!

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"Mixed-up"

2/11/2014

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I got “mixed-up”!

My kids never lie, ever, actually - an astounding statement? Absolutely! It is a true statement non-the-less! How can I say that you wonder? Because my kids don’t lie, they get “mixed up”!

This concept first reared its ugly head a few weeks back. Let me take you there…

My blond-headed, ball of spunk is short in stature (only stature I assure you). What he lacks in height he makes up for in personality and determination for sure!  So, he is short… much like his daddy and his mommy.  I am only 4’ 11”, so it sort of goes without saying that he will not be a tall man. His sister, on the other hand is a bit taller than he is, however, both of my kids are on the short side comparatively.

A situation we have been working on recently – is, in this, the latter part of Kindergarten, is that he’s finally begun to notice his height, or lack there-of. He’s had friends point it out, some not so kindly and others just as a statement of fact. So my son wrestles with the teasing and the label. This mommy is very sensitive to these conversations. My best friend, who’s boys are very tall, is very careful to correct her boys when they call him “little guy”; they mean it with love and there is no malicious intent what-so-ever but I appreciate it for sure. There is, among us, a common “awareness” of the label.

Back to a couple of weeks ago – we’re riding in the car, I’ve just picked them up from school and my son tells me that this boy… let’s call him Mr. All-Around-Athlete; who is tall, plays basketball , football, and who knows what else, is friends with both of my kids.  They talk about Mr. AAA all the time! My Faith-Child has an itty-bitty crush. UGH…  Anyway, this day, Mr. AAA has told my son that he can’t play a game with him at recess because he is too short.
My son goes on to tell me this story of how he was left out and the kids didn’t let him play. That he spent his recess time sitting under a tree by himself.   Do
you have the mental picture of this one? Are you enraged for this mommy?

So what goes on inside this mommy at these revelations? This mommy’s heart breaks for the shattered NBA dreams of her son. This mommy wants to rip Mr. AAA’s head off and slam-dunk it into the hoop on the playground in front of the other kids as a warning.  What do I do instead? I build him up, I say all the things that I am supposed to say – Including, and your limitations are only contingent on what you believe you cannot do. Realistically, I know he won’t be in the NBA, but does that mean he can never play hoops with his friends? He continues to combat my every comment; every uplifting thing I have to say is met with what a kindergartner said to him. I simply tell him I am sorry for his bad day and I assure him that I will speak with his teacher about it tomorrow so that this situation doesn’t happen again.

Do you want to know what happened then?

My son got very quiet, the middle of the night quiet where nothing is moving, only audible breathing resonates… Then, my son slowly told me that I didn’t need to talk to his teacher.  That he could “handle it” with Mr. AAA, then the pleading started.   At first I didn’t understand… until I said the following sentence that was like the shot heard around the world… “Unless you are lying about this situation and Mr. AAA didn’t do any of these things”…

And that my friends, is when “I got mixed-up” was born.

Since then my kids have used it numerous times and I don’t know what to do with it. There are a lot of thoughts that go on in my head regarding “I got mixed up”.

They know lying is a sin, but is getting “mixed up” a sin? Certainly “getting mixed up” sounds a heck of a lot better than lying, especially to my kids who know that they need to obey their parents and sin is bad in the eyes of God.

Call it what it is… Lying… that’s what I call it. I make a point to correct them; Mommy believes it’s not getting “mixed-up” - It is lying!

Getting “mixed-up” gives me pause though…  Getting “mixed-up” - In and with; getting “mixed-up” in and with / who, what, where, when.

I get “mixed-up” in a situation at work (as early as last week) and lost my identity a bit
I get “mixed up” with a late night, girl’s night out and have an extra glass of wine
I get “mixed-up” in a conversation I normally wouldn’t find myself in an
compromise my beliefs a bit
I get “mixed-up” in anger at a situation with my husband
and say things I shouldn’t say, do things I shouldn’t do

I get “mixed-up” all the time… it’s not lying, I am not lying about that extra glass of wine, I am not lying about the situation I was in, and I am not lying about an inappropriate conversation…   I just got mixed-up in and with/ who, what where and when.

However, it’s all still a sin. In those moments, I don’t have my eyes squarely focused on God, on what he wants and expects from me.  If I am honest, I am bending the truth a bit, because these seemingly innocent girls nights out, the work situation I couldn’t reconcile to myself, the conversations I normally wouldn’t take part in and the arguments I have with my husband are all things that rob me of my identity in Christ and what he wants for me.

Just like my son, who makes up these wild stories… he gets “mixed-up” in the moment…   we have some growing up to do.

I am so very thankful, there is reprieve from these sins… His name is Jesus!

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. ~~ Ephesians 2:8

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Monday morning prayer

2/10/2014

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Today’s prayer:

Lord,

I thank you for this day. I know it is the day that you made. I thank you for going before me and
laying the path for me. I pray that you walk with me and guide me along. I pray that I keep my eyes focused on you; for
you are my only truth. I pray when I stumble, when a situation arises and the doubt creeps in; when my eyes waiver from your truth, my heart will cry out - help me Jesus - and I will return squarely into you.

I pray that you give me the supernatural strength to get through
my day, the to-do list on my desk. I pray the path laid out in front of me will provide me glimpses of your mercy, love and grace. I pray those glimpses make me stop; realize it’s truly “a God thing” where I can say - Thank you Jesus!

I pray that I am the person I was meant to be today in you. I pray I am a blessing to my husband and children; my friends and colleagues. I pray that I can share the gospel of your son today and that I boldly speak where I have not before.

For all this, I thank you Lord! I humbly walk in your light… I thank you for all these things and the day that this prayer will bring.

Amen!

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Will you be my Valentine?

2/8/2014

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Let's be friends tonight! Let's talk about our week... The stuff, the muck, the "ish" we want to leave behind. Let's talk about all that and get it out of the way so we can talk about the good-stuff!

I wasn't the person I wanted to be this week... I was definitely not winning any trophies for being a perfect wife. I was not given a ribbon for being best mom... I was best in show a couple of times, only it wasn't a good show! I was not the colleague my friends deserved and so many cursed times I let myself down...

But....

These things, these expectations, these situations - were ones set for myself. My husband didn't, my kids didn't and neither did my friends. This expectation was mine alone. My God doesn't even expect this level of perfection I set for myself... You know how I know that? Because he doesn't ask me to be perfect, ever, actually. He expects me to look to him first when times get tough. He also knew I was going to be so far beyond perfection that He sent His Son to take on all my imperfections, the darkness and the sin... Oh, what love.

Tonight, watching the Olympics, watching perfection... watching imperfection. My kids, each one snuggled up under my arms; we cheered on our team... Taking their imperfections with their perfections - my son suddenly says...

"Mom, you are the best mom in the whole world". My daughter agrees and snuggles in more. My heart overflows... I never deserved this much love.

This week - challenging, humbling, heart wrenching and with the clock this morning we began a new day... The good stuff---

Father-Daughter breakfast... Faith-child wanted to wear a pretty pink dress for daddy. She wanted her "braid-challenged" mom to "braid my hair, starting all the way up here (pointing to the top of her hair) and make it go all the way around the side an under".... I tried my best... She looked like a princess to daddy!

Guarding our Hearts - that was the breakfast theme.

-Identity

-Love

-Communication

-Beauty

-Wisdom

-Be on guard

Reading the material it strikes me that as much as my Faith-child needs to know that her identity is in God, that God loves us and asks us to love one another; that we need to be quick to listen, slow to speak. That TRUE beauty comes from within, that we must seek wisdom each day and finally to guard our hearts from the districtive commentary which runs through our heads, tears us down and makes us who we aren't! As much as my daughter needs to read that, so does this mom needs to be reminded...

On the opposite side if the morning, my son and I headed to the Good Egg. It's our favorite place... We order exactly as he wants, sharing the pancakes, giving each other bites. Laughing and enjoying conversation. The conversation certainly doesn't cure sickness, solve world affairs or involve any sort of science that advances missions but it does put the week behind me and refreshes my soul. This is what my life is suppose to be like.

After breakfast we head to a tiny little park, we are so caught up in our conversation about nothing and everything we miss the homeless man sleeping under the playground equipment. By the time I see him, my son is getting ready to climb up. We leave and head accross to another area, again sleeping homeless men have made a home.

The tough questions are asked... I am at a loss as to what creates the homeless. Again, I am blessed, humbled and thankful.

Tonight the kids are sleeping soundly and I get to have a conversation with all of you. I am thankful for our time together each night.

Sleep well my friends, remember no matter what the day brought you... Your identity is in Chirst, He loves you. He thinks you're beautiful! He wants you to seek Him and guard your hearts and minds in His knowledge! He already took the perfect death and bought you... Bought you with his love... Nothing else, no other struggle matters!