The draft I've been working on is suddenly deleted... It was there, I was typing it. I started on it last Sunday, I couldn't finish it. It was too close to my soul and now, all the words are gone. As if to say, not now... or not ever; I do not know.
As if to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened because that is what we do, what we did… pretend it wasn’t happening. Pretending life was perfect, even when it wasn’t.
Or maybe the words I was typing didn’t do the blog justice, didn’t do the history justice. The words didn’t come quickly as they do now. There was no fire. There is fire now.
I know what it was, is, can be; the monster that lived in the dark, in secret… in public. We all have one or know the one; either one we battle or one that takes
over someone we love. It comes in many forms… it comes in the form of a sickness; depression, addiction, illness – cancer, heart disease, disorder of some form which changes the course of life, shatters perfection. Perfection
imaginary, real, wished, hoped or desired.
The monster, many of you, by now, has given it your own name.
Mine was Infertility! It robbed my early marriage, robbed the bliss of the easy way it is for some couples… Before that, it had another name.
Alcoholism! I pause over each letter and type it slowly. Ten letters that make up living hell! Letters that resound over flashes of memories which make up the other part of my life; this word, I cannot claim, it’s not mine but someone I love.
With my Infertility, I had to work at the end result. Work at having a life I wanted. I had to put actions behind the inaction of having a child.
I had to live the disappointment, struggles, pain and fear. I had to put my hopes and faith into something else, someone else… someone bigger.
The Alcoholism… same can be said of that. The person living through that… they have to work at the end result. They have to work on the life they want to have. They have to put the actions behind the inaction of succumbing to taking
another drink. They have to live with the disappointment, struggles, pain and fear. They have to put hope and faith into someone bigger; except they can’t -
they can’t see past the next time, the next drink. It doesn’t hurt anyone else.
They don’t think. It becomes their only friend.
There is hope. Hope behind these words… there is a saving grace!
My heart bears the marks of my life; this sentence I have heard before and it stayed with me. It’s true though. My heart, my soul, my very person bears the marks and the scars of my life. For myself, the children my husband and I fought for, prayed for… the blessings we were given; the physical scar of their birth.
My heart also bears the marks and scars for the ones I love who’ve battled, lost and won!
To withstand, overcome triumphantly!
Withstand: To stand or hold out; resist or oppose, especially successfully
Overcome: To get the better of in a struggle or conflict; conquer; defeat: to overcome the enemy. 2) Prevail over (opposition, a debility, temptations, etc.); surmount; to overcome one’s weaknesses. 3) To overpower or overwhelm in body or mind, as does liquor, a drug, emotion. 4) To gain the victory; win;
conquer.
Triumphant: Having achieved victory or success. 2) Exulting over victory; rejoicing over success
My friends… what are you praying for tonight? What is the monster you will away by shear hatred, unconditional love and unwavering faith?
God knows those names, the people you are praying for and you don’t even have to utter their name. God knows. He hears their struggles… he hears you. He hears your struggle.
Tonight I read in Guidepost this verse that I will leave you with. It was powerful
for me, the primal growl that when you are at the end of your rope, the moment
you feel like the monster has won and the rug is being pulled out from under you like a magic trick…
The Holy Spirit speaks the words I can’t utter. --- Daily Guideposts 2014
Likewise the Spirit helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groaning which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the spirit is, because he makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:26-28
Rest there dear friends…. There is ultimate victory!
As if to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened because that is what we do, what we did… pretend it wasn’t happening. Pretending life was perfect, even when it wasn’t.
Or maybe the words I was typing didn’t do the blog justice, didn’t do the history justice. The words didn’t come quickly as they do now. There was no fire. There is fire now.
I know what it was, is, can be; the monster that lived in the dark, in secret… in public. We all have one or know the one; either one we battle or one that takes
over someone we love. It comes in many forms… it comes in the form of a sickness; depression, addiction, illness – cancer, heart disease, disorder of some form which changes the course of life, shatters perfection. Perfection
imaginary, real, wished, hoped or desired.
The monster, many of you, by now, has given it your own name.
Mine was Infertility! It robbed my early marriage, robbed the bliss of the easy way it is for some couples… Before that, it had another name.
Alcoholism! I pause over each letter and type it slowly. Ten letters that make up living hell! Letters that resound over flashes of memories which make up the other part of my life; this word, I cannot claim, it’s not mine but someone I love.
With my Infertility, I had to work at the end result. Work at having a life I wanted. I had to put actions behind the inaction of having a child.
I had to live the disappointment, struggles, pain and fear. I had to put my hopes and faith into something else, someone else… someone bigger.
The Alcoholism… same can be said of that. The person living through that… they have to work at the end result. They have to work on the life they want to have. They have to put the actions behind the inaction of succumbing to taking
another drink. They have to live with the disappointment, struggles, pain and fear. They have to put hope and faith into someone bigger; except they can’t -
they can’t see past the next time, the next drink. It doesn’t hurt anyone else.
They don’t think. It becomes their only friend.
There is hope. Hope behind these words… there is a saving grace!
My heart bears the marks of my life; this sentence I have heard before and it stayed with me. It’s true though. My heart, my soul, my very person bears the marks and the scars of my life. For myself, the children my husband and I fought for, prayed for… the blessings we were given; the physical scar of their birth.
My heart also bears the marks and scars for the ones I love who’ve battled, lost and won!
To withstand, overcome triumphantly!
Withstand: To stand or hold out; resist or oppose, especially successfully
Overcome: To get the better of in a struggle or conflict; conquer; defeat: to overcome the enemy. 2) Prevail over (opposition, a debility, temptations, etc.); surmount; to overcome one’s weaknesses. 3) To overpower or overwhelm in body or mind, as does liquor, a drug, emotion. 4) To gain the victory; win;
conquer.
Triumphant: Having achieved victory or success. 2) Exulting over victory; rejoicing over success
My friends… what are you praying for tonight? What is the monster you will away by shear hatred, unconditional love and unwavering faith?
God knows those names, the people you are praying for and you don’t even have to utter their name. God knows. He hears their struggles… he hears you. He hears your struggle.
Tonight I read in Guidepost this verse that I will leave you with. It was powerful
for me, the primal growl that when you are at the end of your rope, the moment
you feel like the monster has won and the rug is being pulled out from under you like a magic trick…
The Holy Spirit speaks the words I can’t utter. --- Daily Guideposts 2014
Likewise the Spirit helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groaning which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the spirit is, because he makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:26-28
Rest there dear friends…. There is ultimate victory!
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