My high school best friend is not the same best friend I have now. Not even close. My high school best friend journeyed with me from elementary school through junior high only becoming close those last few years. It is said that we will have many friends in life; some for a reason, some for a season and some for life. She was a friend for a season. We did not part as enemies but we did not part as friends either - instead we just parted.

I remember the day I told her, with all excitement, that I was getting married... I hadn't applied to colleges, college was out of my reach. My parents had lost a business and our childhood home, there was no money for me to continue my education at the moment - that could and would come later. Right now, I was excited to be getting married. I met a great guy who I just knew was the one God had for me. She didn't buy that... Neither marriage nor God's plan. So rather than gaining a bridesmaid - I lost a friend.

My friend's opinion was that I should wait, go to school so that I would never depend on a man; men were not to be depended on - my dad nor the loves that she had along the way. Men failed our moms... Her parents divorced. My parents stayed together though my dad remained mostly absent to us, finding the bottom of a bottle instead.

I remember my friend saying, "All men leave, wouldn't you like to be able to support yourself when that day comes?"

That was the first time I heard the "All men..." sentence, followed by the excuse of expected behavior. I remember my heart hurting for her... All men couldn't possibly be like my dad or the relationships she'd had.

There weren't many conversations between us after that.

Fast-forward 10 years... I did get married and now in my late 20s someone I looked up to had cheated on his wife of almost 30 years. He had justified it and excused it... I was blown away. His response to me, "Laurie, all men cheat and yours will too someday."

The second time I heard the "All men..." sentence... My heart broke. Really?!? My husband... My husband of 10 years, someday he will cheat on me? You know that? Those were the thoughts that ran through my head.

My husband and I were battling with infertility and the last few years had been so tough on our marriage, something I will be writing about soon... there had surely been more than once we didn't think we were going to make it and we were already fighting against all odds. To top all of that off, neither of us were walking with God.

I gave my life to God - when I was 13. We (my brother and me) attended church when my mom could take us or on major holidays. My desire to remain close to God waned through high school and before I knew it God was not much of a thought in my mind and my behavior sure exampled it.

Into our marriage we sought Him together and I looked for God with every negative pregnancy test and doctor appointment... God became the lamp of a genie I would rub. "God, if you would only..." "This month, okay God?" Church wasn't much help for either of us... infertility left me angry and alone.

Fast forward to present day, some friends are struggling with their marriage - having some of the same arguments we'd had just 10-12 years ago... the struggle is lust, the places men put their eye, search online, looking outside their marriage. My husband and I struggled with this too in our marriage and somedays we still do - anything airbrushed and made-up looks much better than what home life looks like sometimes.

This time we are walking closely with God, we know His commands, His expectations and yet we still sin. In the heart of all is sin and we will always struggle with these things but we have the work on the Cross, we have Grace... He have been justified through our belief and faith in Christ.

While sin is still ever present and in almost anything; we may lust, we may gossip, we may tell that one teeny-tiny lie so we don't have to commit to that one gathering... We remember to focus on scripture and are transformed by the renewing of our minds, by choosing Gods way rather than our sinful way...

In talking all these things through with our friends I found her husband saying, "All men..."

And something rewound each "All men..." sentence and something in my Spirit stirred... The words came quick out of my mouth.

Maybe all men (and women) on this earth will struggle, maybe we will all fall short time and again. Maybe we will cheat on our spouse, let our eyes wander, fall into a bottle of booze or needle in our arm... Walk away from our children... Give up on responsibilities... Or any number of things that happen in the world but does that make it ok?

Is that the sentence we want our sons and daughters to continue to hear or do we want more for ourselves, for our marriages, for our children and their marriages, relationships and lives? Especially as believers, don't we want to move past "All men..." and change the conversation? Wouldn't it be better to say, "Without God, all men... and with God, His power, His Spirit we can be changed, we can be made new?"

The way it has been doesn't have to be that way any longer... It starts with me, it begins at home... We can change the storyline, break the generational curses... Stand up for abstinence until marriage, faithfulness in marriage and a new life following Christ.

​I met my husband as I was graduating high school and we have been almost inseparable ever since... I can remember the first birthday we ever celebrated together - it was his and he was turning 21, most people were excited to turn 21 - I know I was... but not my husband... it was a number, another number toward adulthood and farther away from the irresponsibility of being a kid. For some reason Peter Pan just came to mind, unfortunately, I am not that far off... never going to grow up.  We celebrated his birthday in the mountains north of us; spent the weekend camping and fishing... the day he turned that number was awful...  my dear husband, the 21 year old... Man.Baby!   {Side note, my husband has also started to write, his passion is "Legacy" the legacy he is leaving, the foundation we are building in our kids for their future and their children's future.  You will see him address his own insecurities and determined passion in his blogs -- Found on my site which we will now share... under Double Legacy}.

Back to this story... I simply didn't "get" his aversion to turning another year older. 

Me, I love birthday's...  I love everything about them --- family and friends, the food, cakes and music, laughing... and laughing some more... some birthdays have lasted weeks and a few great ones have been celebrated for a month.  Celebrating birthdays, at least to me, signifies breath in my lungs, days I am able to be on this earth and in "mission purpose" for God.   

I love birthday's... except this one... this one that I am just turning... this number 37 -- ugh... I said it... shared my age... 37, 3-7.... on my way to 40... and i hate saying that.  I know birthday's are a gift, I do.  This one is just different, it's hard for me and I have been putting a lot of thought into why and thanks to my now 9 year old son, I get it.

I can honestly say, I have accomplished all my childhood goals... I wanted to be a wife and mother.  I wanted to have two children, one boy and one girl... oh yes, and he must be like his daddy and she must look like me.  I wanted to have a good job, a job which had meaning, which improved peoples lives.  where I could travel-but not too much... just enough to "see places" but not be away too much.  I wanted to be successful, the kind of successful which gave my family stability to afford nice things and take trips that I couldn't take when I was growing up.  

These goals... each one checked off one by one did not come without struggles... like... a infertility battle longer than I cared to endure,  arguments with my husband that had us calling it quits at least three "serious" times... a job that I loved which increased in instability year by year, oh, and a miscarriage of our miracle baby.  

Almost 19 years with my husband and lots of life lived, loved, yelled and argued through.  Lots of heart-ache and heart-break yet here we stand.  19 years -

If you pay attention God speaks, He works on you and in you... Life changes...  

One year and eight months ago I said goodbye to a job of 15 years that I loved - I loved my job… I worked for a large nonprofit, for a mission to make lives better for those diagnosed  with disease. I loved our mission - I loved what we did…
 
Like with any work place environment there are good days and there are bad days.  As culture changes so do organizations like ours.  Some of the changes were not good... Some had been a long time coming. Leadership changed drastically, also not necessarily good.   All along the changing tide I was preparing for year number 15, I never knew why - I just sensed something coming.   Year  number 15 was the year I was called away,  called to put down that job and move on.
 
Some say it's really hard to leave a place you love whether by choice or because the choice was made for you; they say there is a grieving process... And let me tell you, that is the absolute truth.  I mourned and grieved it like something had died. I would look back frequently on my time there and miss my colleagues, missed the mission and missed the job itself.  
 
I Missed event planning, missed hotels, I missed flying… flying high and doing great things for great people. I missed for a moment, many moments - if I am honest - the person I used to be.
 
I hadn't realized that I replaced what God said my significance as a human being was with who "they" said I was.  My identity was not mine but of this person I was while I was there. 
  
I moved on, mourning and that was not a great place to be. 

I found a temporary home someplace else...  This new place was not my place either but a stepping stone.  I know that now, in hindsight... This new place stripped from me pride and made me humble, it stripped my identity so a new one could be found, it made me stand firm in my faith and reject the world...  I had many dark conversations with God... so many rejected days.  I was mad.  I didn't understand.  I thought it one way, but He was showing me another. 1 year and 8 months later... I get it now.  

I finally turned in my laptop, building access card and parking pass...  I said some permanent good-byes while solidifying others deep in my heart.  I walked alone to my car...  a weight was gone... my lesson learned, or so I thought... 

Quite literally I smiled internally and externally as I lifted my IPhone and deleted my work email out of my inbox.  I should have been elated, but I knew - almost instantly that something wasn't right... in deleting my inbox I came to realize I had deleted 16 years of personal and professional contacts... with it died, the last remaining reminder of self I had. I know this sounds silly... but for a moment, consider losing every.single.contact you have ever made... especially in business when "we lean" on past favors and friendships.  GONE...  

The quite whisper came... "You don't need them, I have given you every single tool for the tasks ahead.  You have been equipped with your past experience for this next chapter."

I drowned out that quite voice... never... I did have a panic attack... I did try and reinstate from "the cloud"... I called, I tried... I did... and when I couldn't, I called an IT expert... my brother and he couldn't either.  Ya'all, it's bad when my brother can't fix it. 

Then... with fear and trembling, my brother quietly said, "Maybe you need to move on with out all that."  I literally responded with, "Shut your mouth..."  Folks, that was affirmation...  

For the first time in my life I can say... I have no five year plan.  I have no idea where I am going.  I am almost 40, with a wonderful husband of 19 years and a new career path.  I have put to death the "Idols" of what I thought I wanted my life to look like and for the first time I can say with absolute, unshaken confidence... I want to be on God's path - not before Him, not on the side of Him but right.in.step.behind Him.  His ways are so much better than my ways... 19 years proves all of that...  

And the toys that haven't seen the light of day in years have come out to play. The dollhouse that was high on the Christmas list a few years ago sits waiting in a pile for the yard sale; it too is out being played with. Pieces of the house and it's occupants, pieces of blocks and other random toys have found a play date with a small little blond headed little boy!

He managed to upturn his toy bag in the middle of the living room or when he swooshed and everything in the play kitchen is now on the tile floor.

The kids thought he was fun and cute before school but after, when more time elapsed and they couldn't keep up with his shenanigans they let us know under no certain circumstances will they let us have another baby, as if that idea wasn't fully put to rest already.

A full day later and this blond headed spunky child not only melts hearts with a smile or attempt at a new word, especially my name, but also draws eye rolls from my kids... They don't understand how one boy can be such a handful. They won't admit it now but life will be very lonely when he leaves us tomorrow.

Still this mom... Not silently wishing for number three rather just misses her own babies at two years of age. The sweet toys, the over sized blocks in the chubby fingers. The doll house that has the mommy, the grammy, daddy and baby... And nothing is wearing a bikini or stiletto heel. No nunchucks or throwing-star turtles and I doubt the small boy knows who General Grievous is.

This mommy loves this blood headed little boy's favorite lovey - a brown toy monkey and the ooo-ooo-ah-ah sound he makes.    I remember not so long ago when my own boy coveted his Tow-Mater 18 wheeler and wouldn't let it out of his tiny hand. I asked my son where that toy is now, he knew exactly.

Bath time was nice, mine take their own baths now except baths have been exchanged for showers. We don't lather their baby skin with sleepy time lotion and I didn't realize I missed it.

The years just go so fast.

When the house is quiet later I may pull out my own kids baby pictures and remember their moments. The first time she crawled to fetch a book or the first time he said his sisters name. I may write them a letter to them know how much I love and appreciate them; how much I loved every moment of them growing up an how I am looking forward to every moment more.

And as this boy runs around the house on a mission only his brain knows, while my children give chase... I will silently say a prayer and thank God for the blessings children in life bring.

I am not one of those people with the miraculous gift of verse memorization.  Those people blow me away.  When I am in the presence of those people that can call up exact verse, exact location and recite it with confidence I have to pick my jaw off the floor!  In awe, I want to be able to do that when I grow up.

Sitting cross-legged on the couch, ready to blog on Wednesday night, heart overflowing with my love for my family, my kids, their unabashed hunger for God's word. These truly being the moments I need to live for... I was typing, words were flowing until the verse. 

On the left side, behind my ear I hear like post-it snippets...  written down, flipped up and posted on my forehead.

"we need to talk about Him all the time"  
                  "when we lie down", "when we wake up"
             "when we are walking by the way"

Oh, my gosh... a verse... but I have no idea where to find it in 863 pages of my bible!  To make matters worse this site isn't App friendly on my IPad. .  I cannot save to in a draft form which would allow me to search for the verse.

So what happened... I asked my dear husband, the love of my life for help.  Gosh, he was so willing to help.  He was so willing to grab his phone and  search for me.  I had to explain how I search to him...  I start by going to Google.  I type in Bible Verses and then the key words I am looking for, I find what I am looking for and happily insert it into this writing.  So when my husband "helps" even after I've explained my strategy, he takes his own approach...  He goes and searches and comes up with "no verse found'.  "Really?  On Google?"  "Nope"  he tells me... "on our Bible App"... Is that where I told him to start?  I explain patiently at least 6 times the easiest route but it just wasn't working... I was patient, until I decided to get off my butt and find it myself... Then the argument happened.  It was epic!

I found my verse, finished the blog and fell asleep on the couch --- and he let me stay there...

I am a fraud!  I am writing all of you, painting this wonderful picture of a moment with words so that you see this vision of a Norman Rockwell family meanwhile we have just fought this epic battle without love, faith or kindness towards one another. We let the night close on our anger and went to bed separately, like boxers retreating to our separate corners. 

A girl friend once told me that you should always make time for your friends. They hold you up when you are down. They show up at your door because they heard something they didn't like in your voice and wanted to just hug you.  They are sometimes, a pillar, the rock, strength and determination to help you get-through when you just-can't! 

My best friend... my Bestie... my soul-sister-in-Christ!  I speak with her daily at least once and sometimes ten times.  She is like the warm sun, radiating warmth, love and grace almost all of the time.  There should be a picture of her in the dictionary next to the word Joy.  When she speaks, even over the phone you can hear and see her smile...  We're speaking that next morning, usual conversation until we get to her asking me --- "AND how is your morning Bestie?"

Honestly... not great... I can't even pretend as all the ugliness of the evenings argument are shared because I simply can't bare the weight on my own. 

Thursday night a meeting...  A group meeting... comprised of some amazing women who embody God's grace, goodness and faithfulness.  Matters of business are discussed but more than that the camaraderie as women, as friends, as mothers and wives...  Laughing over pasta and tea.  Fills the Soul enough to finish the week. 

Like flowers I think of my own best friends.  I cannot make causal friendships well... if you are my friend you also happen to be my best friend.  Each friend.. each flower unique with different soil, veins which run with a different kind of pulse, each one carrying their own kind of special color.

Someone at dinner the other night said... Girlfriends are the gap fillers... like glue holding together my sometimes fragile being... like mortar to the strong sturdy person I trick myself into thinking I am. 

True words!  Internally wrestling with these two topics last night... I called out to my most trusted advisors on this blogging journey with me. 

The challenge... What comes to mind, first thing, few words.... Your girlfriends... And Go!

And as with the post-it notes of verses.... they responded almost immediately...

I will close there... I cannot do better than my own best friends!  Thankful for each one of you and all the others following along! You all have touched my heart, are too numerous to call out by name and might be embarrassed if I do... but you know who you are.  You, like flowers, have engraved your fragrance and color on my heart and have enriched my life like good soil.  We are all firmly planted in the ground holding each other up.

P.S.  As for my argument with my husband... that deserves it's own special entry.  Saving that for tomorrow night.  Stay Tuned!

Breathe... and exhale!  Do you feel that?  The weight being lifted off your shoulders... It's Thursday!  Tomorrow is the end of this wonderful week. 

Someone asked me today, "How is your day... " I said "Good".  She said, "Yes, if we keep saying it maybe it will be so".  Interesting thought... Yes, maybe... Good by osmosis!  It really has been a wonderful week. Stressful at times and certainly never enough moments for the good stuff - the God stuff, the Family stuff, the Friend stuff. 

Tonight, my mind is swirling.  So many things I want to write about, talk about, get off my chest about.  Where to begin?  Breathe.

Let's talk about answered prayers.... Lets talk about your kids teaching you hard life lessons... when you think you are teaching them and then the lesson comes back and smacks you upside the head.  

Forgiveness was one such lesson this week... there is a person I let down, someone I just could not make friendship work with, high expectations and several low disappointments.  Somewhere along the way the value of our friendship decreased.  We made less and less of an effort, until there was no effort to be made. 

How does that happen, exactly?  Over time... over lots of time.  Then one day... no more.  My children asked for her, I told them as much truth a six year old can understand, turns out, they understand even the unspoken truth.  "Mommy when are you going to get your friendship back"... the only answer I could muster was "Never buddy and sometimes it has to be that way"... Except it doesn't.  It really doesn't.  Sunday's calling was not to just write, here yes, for sure... but also to her.  To her... and tell her it was okay and it wasn't okay.... I prayed over the card.  I prayed for an answer, I prayed for it to be received well.  I just prayed for a lost friendship that I never expected back.  I showed my kids, I let them know I was writing to her.. and in the blue box it went. 

Tuesday night... there was a knock at the door.  Unexpected.... for sure... hugs, tears, conversation... the beginning of forgiveness... Unconditional love in truest form.  A hard life lesson learned!

The necklace I've been wearing almost daily... a gift from this friend a long time ago... A gift three of us friends share... says ~ The story of friendship is written on the pages of the heart... the other side says ~ I'm a better ME because of you.

In sadness I wore it, remembering to be a better friend... A better friend for the friend I let go and the other friend to far away to forget.
 
I am a better me because I let one down, I am more aware of the value of true love and friendship.  I am a better me because when I was down, sometimes the two of them carried me... I am a better me because there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for them...

Forgiveness... Grace... Absolutely humbling. 

                                                               Love never fails... 1 Corinthians 13:8

In church a few weeks ago our Pastor took a moment and asked all of us to reconcile hurts and wrongs.  To rid ourselves of situations we were carrying... if we needed, to go outside, make a tough phone call.  A great sermon for sure - impactful, thought provoking... but to do it.... oh, to actually do it!  To admit the areas you failed, to look someone in the eye and say I am sorry...  what could that do?

                                                 It.can.set.you.free!!!! 

I am not saying all is forgotten, I am not saying we can move forward from the exact place we were... But I can say "all is forgiven"...  and I can move forward with that! 

There is freedom in forgiveness.  There is grace in unconditional love...
 
There is heaven when forgiveness, grace and love collide!

My prayer tonight for you my friends is simply this...

Dear Heavenly Father!   Thank you for this wonderful week!  Thank you for the days that you made... all 7 of them.  Thank you for the beauty all around us.

Thank you for loving us through our toughest lessons.  Thank you for showing us your love and grace by sending your Son to die on the cross for us.  Thank you for helping us to remember that we are not perfect, that we all make mistakes and that we need to extend the same love, grace and forgiveness that you extended to us ~ even when we were not worthy... you loved us all enough, sent your Son and made us worthy.  We are ALL worthy of love, grace and forgiveness.

Thank you Lord for this lesson, thank you Lord for my children who help show me the truth...

Help us work through tomorrow... with love and grace. 

In your Sons name I pray ~ Amen.

When my babies were born it was an emergency situation. I felt fine but I was sick. Six weeks early they entered this world and life was forever changed. Presented side by side, I barely remember what the moments looked like except for pictures. I do remember their cries, I remember the rush of the delivery room... The bustling of people coming and going. 

Both of them perfect in everyway, except early. My beautiful daughter had a special kind of strength (still does)! She needed some oxygen and a feeding tube, she was definately healthier. I didn't know it at the time but my son needed more help than that. I actually didn't know that they had to work on him a little more, I didn't know until their 5th birthday when I watched their birth video in its entirety that they had to work on him a lot! He was the one I couldn't hold, he was the one that came home last and since he's had more health issues than his sister. I know it's not uncommon for premature boys...

My daughter... She comes from good stock. There are a long line of strong women in her past!

My own beautiful mother who is stronger than she knows. Faith, hope and love surround her all the time.

Both of my grandmothers... Each couldn't be more opposit but contain fire and strength all their own. Each have raised four children... Both in war, both in times of plenty and scarcity. I've also heard stories of their mothers... I wish I would have known them.

The other side of our family... my husband's mom and his grandmothers are and were amazing as well.  Strong, loving, hardworking, thriving...

I reflect on these things tonight as my kids have a "sleep-over". That's what they call it... They take turns sleeping in each other's rooms. We don't do it a lot, we don't need for that habit to form, but we do allow it because these are the moments where memories are made.

I remember bringing them home from the hospital. First my Faith-child, two weeks before her brother. She slept the entire night on my chest... We slept sitting upright in the living room. The first few nights were hard... The days of back and forth to the hospital, leaving her with family so I could go and see her brother... In those two weeks she never quite seemed at peace.

Until we were able to bring him home and place them side by side in the pack-n-play. I still remember the way they rolled so naturally into each other and the peace that overtook our hearts and their faces as we were all complete...

As they "sleep-over" tonight I am touched that they can still comfort each other in this way... When the night gets too dark and one is afraid... Or on nights like tonight and daddy is working, when they miss him the most. They roll into the same room and are at peace, he still seeks her out and is comforted in her quiet strength.

Sleep well my friends!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you
rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and
humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke
is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30