On the way home last night my son says, "Mom, look at the moon - it's like Gods night light for the world".   

Prior to that sentence I was lost in thought, going down a rabbit hole, replaying conversations from the day, from the week... carrying within my heart love and empathy... wondering what I could do - spring into action - take it all away.

The week was rough and bad news, awful, heartbreaking news filled nearly every conversation I had. There were times this week I wondered why God allows things to happen, I wondered what purpose was there in all of "this".

We were going to stay in last night but I needed to get out and get my mind on something else - so I decided to try and do something I hadn't done in months!  I went grocery shopping - standing and walking! I cannot tell you all how good it was and how hard... The kids help of course but to be able to stand and walk down aisles, pick out the ingredients for meal planning and pick up dessert mixes for the family. So basic and tedious - I am so thankful to have regained this ability.  I feel like a mom again and I feel like I am getting back into my life.

I am keenly aware that no matter how hard it is for me to do these things; the back to normal things... no matter how much it hurts or how my ankle swells "people"... just expect me to be "getting over it"... I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "oh, it still bothers you?"  "does it really hurt or are you just babying it?" "are you afraid you're going to hurt it again?" "Is it in your head?".... No actually - I cannot move my ankle at the joint from side to side or in a circle, it's still really stiff and I have scar tissue that needs to break up.  I want to say, "I am sorry you think I should be progressing, faster or better"  or I'd like to be sarcastic and say "you know you are absolutely right, I should be getting along better"... but I don't.  I sit in silence or simply say... it's coming along...

I digress... Everyone has something they are dealing with... some are worse than others... what makes us human is how we respond... how we love... how we show we care... 

The conversation with my son continues... to the north of us is a mountain area, it's not that big or expansive but it provides a quick get-away from the summer heat and sometimes it's the only place we can find a bit of snow.  On the top of this mountain are cellular and communication towers, at night you can see the flashing red lights indicating something's there.  My son wants to know what the red things are... I tell him... "mostly" so that planes don't fly too low and run into them.  His response was a series of questions which I answered naturally, however, with his innocent inquisitive mind I don't think he realized how profound his questions were to his mommy's heart and nor do I believe I really understood what we were talking about and why...

Back to the planes running into the towers, if you will recall, that's where the line of questioning derived from... and the conversation proceeded like this.

Him: "Oh, so that is like the twin towers?  Did they have anything on the top of them?" 

Me: "Yes, son they did, I am sure they had lot's of things on them." 

Him: "But the planes ran into the buildings anyway?"

Me: "Yes, son they did.  Where did you hear about the towers?"

Him: "In school mom.  Did the people know what was coming?  Did they see the planes running into the building?"

Me: "Some people saw the planes, most people though weren't sure what was happening.  The twin towers were very tall with lots of floors on them and it was hard to evacuate."

Him: "hundreds of people died mom." 

Me: "Yes, buddy - it was actually thousands."

Him: "Did they rebuild the towers?"

Me: "No, because it was such a sad day for our nation and the families who lost loved ones they did not rebuild the towers.  Instead they built pools for people to come and remember what happened.  They did rebuild some buildings around those though."

Him: "Mom, will the Statue of Liberty be crashed into?"

Me: "I don't know buddy, I do know there are a lot of people around the world that don't like the US and want to see our freedoms end."

Him: "Oh"

I said, "how come you have all these questions..."

He said, "I just do and it's okay to ask you, isn't it?"

I simply said "always". 

That (September 11th) was a bad day, week month... year... it's still awful to think about.  Which brings me to this week... this week when news wasn't good for so many of my friends... when the reality of this world, when life comes crashing in and you are once again reminded that this world is not our home.  I personally have to rest on the promises of God.  

There were moments I had to sit and ask "why" this week.  There were moments of disbelief and helplessness... there were moments when all that was left to do was to pray... and pray we did.

When it rains... the rainbow appears... 

And God said, "this is the sign of the covenant that I made between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations:  I have set my bow in the cloud, at it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth.  ~ Genesis 9:12-13

God doesn't say... it will never rain again... it will never be tough again... He says I will be there with you and send you a reminder of my presence. 

Isaiah 41:10 says, Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

And James 1:3-4 (which I have personally clung to more times than I can count) says, Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your nightlight; the moon and stars.  Thank you for my son who so innocently can bring me back to your promises. I thank you for his inquisitiveness and desire to understand.  Lord, you know this has been a hard week for so many.  There have been so many discouraging things and sometimes it's overwhelming.   I am thankful to remember you are there, you promise to be there... I am thankful you know the prayer of your people, you hear them... even before they know what they need - you do.  I am so comforted by that and I thank you.  Lord help the people we're praying for this week.  Surround them all with your presence, guidance and love.  Surround them with people who will love on them and help them make the best decisions based on the circumstance.  You see their names in my head Lord... Give them the miracle... you show up and show off when man cannot do more... I am saying... man cannot do more in all of these situations. Be here, in this space for all of them tonight, tomorrow, this week, month and year.  Help them see you.  All of these things I ask in your Son's holy name - Amen. 

Psalm 119:30
I have chosen the way of faithfulness; have set your rules before me.
~~~~~~

That verse was my children's memory verse this week at school. They had a hard time remembering "chosen" and "faithfulness". Those are big words tor seven year olds, but contextually they are big words in that sentence for adults - at least for me they are.

God is so good! I just want to say that. In chasing the perfect day this week I have shifted focus and instead - I realize I am not just chasing a day; I am wanting to chase perfection itself, but I fall short over and over and that falling short feeling makes me frazzled.

I get frustrated and in the frustration I take it out on others. I forget that perfection only existed one time, ever, in the history of the world. His name was Jesus Christ!

But back to the verse. Wednesday, reviewing with the kids their verse. Slapped in the forehead, I have to make a choice... To be faithful to the one who is faithful to me. I must set Him and His rules before me.

To think before I speak. To love at all times. To not judge others. To end gossip. To give grace and accept grace willingly.  It's not easy.

Tuesday was sure a lesson in all of that. Every crummy thing that could happen did.  

Wednesday: I will start at the end.

On a couch with a cup of expertly prepared coffee... Amazing quiet time with an amazing friend watching TV shows that quite possibly lowered our IQ. Conversation was sporadic and was the kind of comfort that only comes from an old friend.   
  
After two months I am getting independence back daily... When I think about where I can from... when every step, every movement, every task is calculated, tedious and time consuming.  It's not that way so much anymore.
 
The biggest break-through of the week I would say was being able to stand in the shower for my prayer time. .Silly... but normal - I was in "my place". 

Physical therapy was painful... so painful.  the exercises aren't the hard part, don't get me wrong they aren't a picnic... and I giggled when I saw the cone and the shooter marble again (I will take a picture of that next week and share)... the pain comes at the end as the therapist rubs the scars to break up the scar tissue.  So. Painful. 

Thursday was a good day too... I heard that still soft voice.  I am still trying to understand what it means but it was good to hear, it's been too long. 

As a family we had lots of laughs, snuggle time, homework and even two aced spelling tests.  I truly cannot ask for much more.

Which all catches me up to today, Friday, and that verse.

I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I have set your rules before me.  When I have remembered that this week, the day gets better. 

There is nothing that I can do that is going to make perfection.  All days are perfect because they are given to me by God.  There will be the rough days, the ones I want to run away from...and others well be "perfect" walking on sand and shore.  But everyday is only what I make out of what He's given me.  Which path will I choose?

And sometimes there's just bugs at the bottom of your popcorn bag.

Today was rough.  I am not gonna lie. Just rough, in-fact I was telling a friend tonight's blog might just be called the one that almost didn't happen. 

This momma is worn out... My ankle hurts today, like deep tissue hurts. Compounded by all the activities we're involved in, the homework assignments.  Lack of sleep... and countless other things that sap our energy.  As I write this I think of all the reasons I shouldn't be complaining but I am.

My prayers were half hearted and so was I today. Chasing perfection wasn't even of the radar. It seems like it was meant for everyone else. Even my husband was full of joy and cup-half-full of optimizem that I just wanted to poke a hole in.

We were discussing that on the way home today and I told him that it was such tough day I shouldn't even blog. I joked and said maybe you should take over for me tonight for fear of losing readers... And then I thought about what a wonderful day he had so I asked him - seriously.

So I took her challenge of finishing her blog. She's right my day was pretty good... And now that I have read what she posted above I realize that she did poke quite a few holes in my optimistic cup leaving it empty without notice.

So my day goes on. Was it a perfect day not so sure there is such a thing. One thing I do know is even though I might think it is a bad day or I am overbooked God provides. Weather it be time or in situations. God blesses us with completed tasks or He does not; but he always works it out for our good - that's for another day and another blog.

Back to my so called perfect or good day. I leave the house to run some errands before picking up our crazy two-some from school and what do I see as soon as I pull out onto the major street by our house. The biggest darkest rain cloud I have ever seen and I'm headed right for the heart of the storm, like in storm chasers, knowing that I have no choice but to bear the weather - hail and all! I go to emissions and there is no line; I drive right in which is unheard of - never happens! I run a part back to the store, because that's all I think I have time for, knowing I have to pick my twosome up soon. So after that's done I hop in the truck look at the clock and say well I guess the kids with have to go to the DMV with me, "that should be fun".   I look at my phone and see that the clock in my truck is approx 45 min off. I had disconnected the battery for some repairs earlier which accounted for the difference in time. Wow! I've got time to goto DMV before our two-some needs to be picked up. Thank you Jesus...

So I go and pick-up our two-some, but we cannot leave not until they get to play around the moat that was created with the days heavy rains.

My son finds a beetle of some sort and attempts to bring it in the car as his sister proceeds to tell him that she will not tolerate such a monstrosity in her presence! She didn't really say that - but her screams sure did!

Finally, after burning off some much needed energy we head home. On our way the kids are fascinated by the water that was rushing down the river or wash as us "natives" call them. I surprised them with an up close encounter to the run off from the heavy rains at the near-by lake. I just knew it had to be overflowing.

My two-some was in amazement that the lake was truly over flowing. I was happy that I was quite possibly creating a memory to be shared for years to come. It is not uncommon for my children to pull random memories from there crazy little minds, they amaze me all the time. They are truly a blessing from Lord above.

On the way home I thought I would show them some more astonishing water works from the heavy rains. As we pull up to the spot there are barricades that read ROAD CLOSED as we watch people drive around them. Looking further into the distance where the (wash) is running, my son says look at those dumb people stuck in the wash. Dad we should go down there and help them. I told him I would love too, but there was no way I could help them, one without going around barricades and two without endangering them and possibly myself. Sometimes it just best left to the professionals or just wait till the water dies down. I enjoyed my day with them!

Sometimes there is just joy in the errands... Joy in the storm... and Joy in this mommy... Love and joy for my husband who is an amazing father and husband.

In the midst of my yuck yesterday, I called my husband... We were running late to a meeting and with pure annoyance I asked him when he'd be home...

His reply, "I am making memories with our kids!"

Yes... There was the lesson for me!

I am so thankful!

Dear Father,

Thank you for this day that you made. Thank you for the wonderful storms and rain to wash away the dirt and water the plants. In the midst of yesterday's stuff I lost sight of joy. I was too busy grumbling, thinking of myself I definitely lost sight of the idea to seek a perfect day - within you.

With you... This heart is changed... I no longer have to be weary.

Thank you Lord for Tuesday!

Amen

It started with a prayer... I set the clock for 6 am, hit snooze but got up anyway. Then I went and hid away, to pray.

My prayer was this:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for this day, the day that you made. Thank you for the privilege to serve you again. Lord, while I am seeking this perfect day... Show me what that looks like, in you... Not in me. Give me patience and love. Give me kindness and compassion. Let me give time to my family and help me to remember to smile, genuinely.

Amen

And then the day started. A cup of coffee and checking emails. Having conversations with the kiddos, hugs and helping them get dressed and ready for the day.

By 7:30 I had already failed. With the small boy child who, so sweetly and innocently comes over to me and says, "um mom, I have show and tell. I need a bag and four things. I need a picture, a toy and a stuffed animal." That's three things and we're trying to get out of the house. I have good intentions and point those two things out to him... That's when the small boy talks back and loses it in a fit --- so does this mom! All reason gone...

Now to pray again... And I do. Acknowledging that I failed and return me to a right feeling of love and grace.

Physical therapy for my ankle this morning... The office was in "chaos" according to my therapist.. I told her it looked pretty controlled to me but the "was the goal". Pain in healing... That is what I would title the excercises this morning. Lots of rubs on the scars to break up scar tissue, gritting through teeth and trying to remember to breathe. I did have a good laugh... One of the excercises was to put a "shooter" marble in a cone... With my toes... 30 times. Fun stuff!

I find it interesting that her goal is controlled chaos. Everyone is still smiling and pleasant, greeting everyone by name.

The rest of the morning and afternoon was productive and busy. I was thankful for happy and graceful conversation, which are a gift these days.

Capped the day off with Bible study and the hope and promises that live in Christ Jesus.

I feel guilty following up that last statement with what is about to come... But this is the day... that The Lord has made so I am doing my best to Rejoice and be Glad in it... I am also going to say before hand that we have an elderly dog... She's like 16 sooooooooo...

We were looking forward to coming home, putting the kids in bed and starting a movie. We were talking about that as we unlocked the large wooden door that sparates our home from the outside... I hear the groans first of my husband, followed by my kids.... I will spare you all the deets... But our wonderful, elderly, faithful dog managed to p--p in 3 of the 5 rooms of our home, including the entry.

Really not a perfect day...

But... It did give me the opportunity to mop my entry way, something I haven't done since before my accident. Moreover, I enjoyed it! The smell of the floor cleaner, the bubbles and warm water. Being able to lower myself to the ground and get back up again.

I am thankful... Forgiveness first when I lost it with my ill-prepared son, controlled happy chaos, grace filled conversations, a wonderful bible study in the book of John about the hope and promises that live in Christ and the realization that time does heal wounds and I will not be down forever.

I am thankful and blessed to have had this day! Day 1 - to start and end the day with intentional prayer.

My Lord,

Thank you for this wonderful day and the storm outside! Thank you for this day... A day that showed me that all things really are in the way you look at them. There is joy in the mess... There is happiness to be found in the busy-ness and grace when the not-so-nice stuff comes out.

I cannot wait to see what tomorrow holds. Keep me patient, loving and kind. Help me to serve as you would serve.

All things I ask according to your will... Jesus name I pray. Amen!

Someone was speaking and I was sitting there. I was listening intently to the talk, the speaker's words dance around me as they sunk in. Good stuff, God stuff - practical for every faction of life.

And then... All of a sudden a title popped in my head. The speaker was drowned out by words bold typed, 18 font in black letters - typed in minds eye. I knew instantly what it was what I am supposed to write next. I flipped to the back of the notebook and wrote the title down.

Chasing my perfect day.

Only I don't usually write my title first, I rarely know how a piece is going to end until it's done! The title was was definitely off topic from the speaker, though I had been wrestling with the idea of getting out of my own way... But that is another blog entry entirely! :)

So I did what I usually do when I don't understand...

I closed my eyes, in that exact moment, with the speaker drowned out and I said...

"Ok God. Chasing my perfect day. I don't understand, but I know you do. Show me how to go with it."

And then...

There was nothing. So I waited.

This was all Friday around 3 pm.

Last night before bed I thought about it more, prepared to write - considered the topic shape and then... Nothing.

So I slept.

This morning... The thought process is coming the way that it does when He is feeding me... So yay!

Chasing my perfect day.

What does that even mean? And I thought about perfection...

The idea forms but it feels like an experiment rather than a one time entry. I also like interaction so I sincerely hope this turns into a movement and I encourage those brave enough to take on this journey and share with me and everyone else who reads. Share the stage so to speak.

Chasing my perfect day.

What does a perfect day look like to me... For starters it begins at 6:00 -- no 6:30 am after I have hit the snooze button a couple of times.   It begins with coffee because, let's face it - I was probably up too late the night before. It begins with every intention of staying on task and on time for the whole day but I have quickly realized that is too grand an expectation.

It begins with lunch boxes and school backpacks... It begins with dressing the kids and hoping I get myself dressed along the way as well.

But... There is always something, something that doesn't quite fit it into the schedule I had. Like a 7:00 am phone call because someone has a travel emergency or my husband isn't out of bed yet and I am trying to get a whole host of things complete... It's not enough milk in the refrigerator next to the empty coffee creamer bottle someone put away... It's a mid-day conference call that runs too long or... A billion other things that change the course of the perfect day.

What happens to me when I fall behind? I get frazzled and it becomes my sole mission in life to make sure everyone knows I am not a happy camper. I know it's unfair but life is unfair... Right?!?

What I have just described is exactly opposite of perfect, wouldn't you say so?

In actuality, I can't say what my idea of a perfect day would be - I don't think it exists.

I would like to sleep in a little everyday and when I finally raise myself out of bed, I'd love the coffee to be made... And the creamer to be full. I would like to have plesent conversations with people and I would like others to be respectful of my time... I would like to sit with my kids for breakfast as we prepare each other for the day. I would love to be the one to drive them to school each day and pick them up. As for dinner time, I'd love to have unrushed time together as a family and talk about the best and worst parts of our day - where our kids say coming home was the best part. And at the end of the night, when the kids are tucked in bed - prayers having been said and they peacefully fall asleep without frequent trips to get "water" or to the "bathroom" or one more "kiss"... I'd like for a moment to sink into my husband's arms and actually talk about us.

But... That doesn't usually happen and there is a whole lotta "I" in that perfect day... Not enough of what everyone else needs so...

I am starting a journal and I would like you to come along with me.

My days are going to be less of me and more of we. What can I give back to my husband and my kids? How can I build we time in our day and keep the frustration away?

Well these past two days I have put something into practice and I will share it with you... Beginning tomorrow night...

Dear Heavenly Father!

Thank you for this day, for the day that you have made. I thank you for the storms last night that brought everyone into our bed, thank you for those giggles and snuggles. Thank you for creating those memories. Lord, I want to thank you for this idea you have stamped into my head... Chasing my perfect day. And I thank you for the two wonderful days you have blessed me with simply because I listened and obeyed! I look forward to our alone time tomorrow and the blessings that a new day brings.

In your sons holy name I pray. Amen.

I remember the first time I ever saw a lightning bug... Or rather hundreds of them. We were on vacation visiting the east coast and a very special friend in a very special place. We, including my extremely curious 2 year olds, were guests at my friends family's home.

One of our top five vacations hands down!

It was there where we rolled out some paper and broke open fresh crab, shopped at some of the most quaint stores and ate ice-cream by the water. Old-patriotic-America still exists there, Old Glory still hangs over the wrap around white porches. But I digress.

The lightning bugs... I will never forget how the dark was penetrated by a single small light; actually hundreds of single small lights.

Bioluminescence... An emission of light by a living organism. A hybrid word; Greek - Bios "living" and Latin- Lumin "light".

There's no picture that can capture what my mind remembers.

This same friend readily quotes the following, "Be the change you wish to see in the world" Gandhi

I have always thought, "there is no way my tiny little self will amount to big things like that." and I measure myself and self worth by what others are doing.   Over the course of time, amplified by this writing among other things, I have slowly realized that's not true.

Change... Big change begins with me, within my home and in my actions. Change is one single solitary spark that grows.

This same friend tonight brought me to tears with a simple text... A simple thought shared across the miles.

I opened my Bible to read the scripture to find Jesus speaking about believers as being the salt and the light. The passage says this:

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill that cannot be hidden".

Yes, encouragement across the miles - I am greatful.

I spent my day today at a faith based leadership conference and one of the themes that resonated with me was to sit in silence; to seek the still soft voice that comes.

As many of my friends know, my quiet time is in the shower. That is when I hear The Voice the most. Usually in prayer when the noise of the morning is drowned out. The kids are having breakfast, the dogs have been fed and there is the sound of coffee percolating in the distance... But.... With a broken ankle still on the mend... Showers at the moment are just another hazard- carefully seated on a bench; trying my hardest not to fall and delay my recovery. Hearing the voice or spending that time in prayer is not on the radar. Still something in me has been yearning for it. I try before I fall asleep at night or before my feet hit the floor and somehow it eludes me.

Tonight, with my friends text, I find my quiet place within the pages of Matthew. Joy... comes then.

Light of the world that cannot be hidden.

I turn to Philippians. I love the way Paul addresses his church. His genuine love for the people in them.

I thank my God for ever remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy. He goes on to say, I have you in my heart...

What love inside the body of Christ Church... I want to love like that.

Paul also talks about being light of the world...

Philippians 2:15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.

I read about the joy in suffering, the joy in service, the joy in believing and the joy in giving.

There is joy and hope in those things...

It's in here where I find my two favorite passages in the Bible.

Philippians 4:4-7 Rejoice in The Lord always. Again I will say rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding; will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

And... For this broken season I am in... A reminder to be content...

Philippians 4:11; 4:13

11 Not that I speak in regard to need for I have learned whatever state I am to be content.

13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the day that you made and for your son who died on the cross for my sins. I also thank you for the country I love, where people are free from oppression and fear of worshipping you. Lord, I know you are within those other countries where Christians are being marked for death, protect them and give them a way out.

For myself, I come before you tonight in need of hearing your still soft voice. I am sorry I have let our time get away from me. Be with me as I seek you again. Thank you for the remembrance of light... Thank you for shining through the darkness and for allowing me to somehow be a spark of light. You are patient and loving with me and I am thankful. Lord show me the path you'd have me walk and light that way. Amen

Words in Pictures was such a profound writing for me. So much so, I am a almost having a hard time following it up.

Not writers block but more like it's not done. Do I do a part two?  Since I wrote it, many friends have shared with me conversations they have had with their own best friends and mothers, sisters... It's interesting to hear this quiet movement. These glimpses into private girl conversations that also spill into conversations with spouses.

I asked one of my oldest and dearest friends to send me a picture but life got in the way. She was running here and there.. And then it was published... She sent her picture anyway then shared with me the back conversation she had with her friend... About this blog, about these words in pictures.... They came to find they shared a word, shared this lie that the world gives them... Tells them they don't measure up.

I have been thinking about these ladies who have shared these words with me. I think about how I hold my own word... I think I have let it go but then it's handed right back. Mind you, my word hadn't come back to me, yet that is... but I am sure it will. I wonder if it's come back for my other friends?

Another friend actually wrote hers down... As a blog entry. Her word was lazy. The world thinks she's lazy. Doesn't understand there is a physical inability.   I have been thinking of her this week... As the doctors have given me the permission to take off my boot at home, the proverbial "all clear" to start putting weight on my right ankle again.

I cannot help but be afraid... Just plain scared. I cannot help but measure up and sum up my own inability to walk and move like others. I am Afraid... And my other friends word crosses my mind. And in "health status updates" the inevitable questions come up... So how are you doing with walking? Have you been up doing anything today? When will you be driving? I feel like I want to add in the questions that everyone is glazing over... When can we stop talking about your leg and your health? When do you stop needing my help? That's what I feel like "they" really want to know. Of course, I know that's not the case... But when you are afraid you feel the pressure.

Inadequate, lazy and afraid.... I shared in the original post about how these are lies of the enemy and that's the truth...

But in seeking the truth, the God truth - who I am in Him it makes me stronger. It gives me the eyes to see me for who he made me to be.

These moments of testing make me stronger and bring me closer to Him.

LAZY:
(Guest Blogger Anonymous)

In my life, I have been perceived as "lazy".  For me, this could be the furthest thing from the truth.  Each day I wake up exhausted no matter how much sleep I have. 

Each day I make a decision to put my best foot forward.  

You see... I suffer from a disease called Hashimoto's.  I look completely normal, however, I am very far from  normal.  Most days I struggle to get through my very busy and hectic schedule without falling asleep at my desk or while I am driving home (which is totally scary).  I have a lot of people in my life who don't understand why I am so tired all the time.  I have heard things like, "you just slept all night, how could you be tired" or "you are always so tired, maybe you should exercise." that last one completely frustrates me because I am  always exercising just to have some kind of positive energy level. 

I want to tell people who perceive me as "lazy" that maybe, for a day, they should live in my body.  Then they would truly understand that I am the farthest thing from "lazy". 

"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about."  -  Unknown 

And... that last quote from an Unknown person... I am thinking about the battles my friend faces... the personal struggles I have at this time... and I think about the personal struggle of depression which leaves the sufferer thinking and feeling like they have no hope, no cure, no chance for a life without those feelings and it makes me sad... 

We all need to remember... many of us deal with battles no one knows about and in our world where information is instantaneous, where we clutter up our IPhone Calendars little circle dots, where we fly from meeting to meeting (in and out in a day) we need to intentionally build time in our lives to be people, real people.  People who care about our neighbors, to have a conversation with the woman in the cubicle next to you, to speak to your child's teacher in between drop-offs... or to simply have a conversation with a stranger on a bench.  You never know you might help... or save.

Sadly, we have gone from actually living... to completing tasks... and that was never the way life was intended.   Let's unclutter our to-do lists and look around!

Summer started almost eighty days ago and ended exactly three days ago. First grade came right on time for my 7 year olds but much too quickly for this mom.

Bigger back packs, new lunch boxes, and everything checked off the school supply lists. New shoes and school orientation... Where did the summer go?

This mom had such hopes for summer. You know, those perfectionist ideas... They'd get to stay home for the summer for starters.

As a full time working mom (outside of the home) the kids have always had some where else to go. Since they were three months old they have been under someone else's care the majority of the time.

This summer was going to be different. I transitioned to full time remote working and set up my office in our bedroom.   We still hired a wonderful lady three days a week to take care of them when I was "in the office"; we planned for her to take them to the movies and museums. We thought they'd be able to swim and ride bikes more... We thought the training wheels could finally come off.   We thought they'd be able to do more "normal" kid things. On weekends we planned to head to the lake or up to the top of the mountain.

Then we had our "vacation" in Utah which ended much too soon. Mom with a broken ankle at the bottom of the slide.

I love this picture... One of only half a dozen actual vacation pics that don't include mommy and her broken leg. This one picture, a moment of pause before we hit the rides. I remember standing there thinking... Really are we playing with this water ball? They have one in Disneyland, been there done that, let's move on. In hindsite, with this as one of the only visual reminders of our vacation I am thankful now.

Such a wonderful day... Roller coasters and BBQ... Tubes and water... And some of the best friends we have ever had.

Yes, a vacation cut too short... And summer inexplicably changed. The thoughts and ideas I had suddenly changed. Instead of 4th of July BBQ and fire works we had mommy recovering from surgery; a game of Penguins on the Ice and dinner lovingly made by someone in our church family. We had a revolving door of help... People to stay with me and help me with the kids and pain medicine. We had people bringing groceries and help cleaning out our closets an tubs.

No, this summer the training wheels didn't come off, there were no trips to the lake nor did we head to the mountains. I also don't know what my kids will say when they look back on this summer... I don't know how they will remember it but I am thankful.

I am thankful that they learned how to make coffee. They have learned how to work along side me as I sit in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher. I am thankful they have learned to help each other make lunch... I am thankful their bond is a bit stronger for tackling "mommy chores" together.

I am thankful they were able to see, not only their family and our closest friends love on us in a time of need but also what church is made to do... To help those in need, without question. I know we are forever grateful for that kind of help and love.

As I mend, as I begin to stand again, begin to walk again... As our kids start first grade I can say I am looking forward to fall. I am looking forward to the colder weather and orange colors.

I am looking forward to returning to normal...

Completely changed.

Needless to say this summer did not turn out the way I envisioned but it turned out exactly the way it was intended.

Have you ever stood in front of the mirror and critiqued yourself? Have you ever sat in a board room full of your peers feeling so unqualified to be there?  Have you ever been on a play-date with “Pinterest” mom realizing you don’t measure up?

I’ve been contemplating this topic for a number of weeks.

The back story…  I am part of a women’s group and we were having dinner recently, the conversation was deep, intentionally so.  The question posed to the group, “what lie - in one word or phrase does the world keep giving you to wear”? 

Mine keeps getting handed to me like bad luggage… sometimes I give it to myself and sometimes someone else expects me to pick it up again.  
 
Damage in a word. Damage in a thought… one word or phrase that sometimes keeps us from moving forward… sometimes keeps us from doing great things… sometimes keeps us from doing God things.

More recently than that, in a conversation with a woman I admire and count as a dear friend made a huge life decision.  The decision equivalent to stopping in this moment and moving forward in another direction; a decision which was bold, thoughtful, frightening, and provoking all at the same time.  As she shared with me her thoughts regarding this new path of life she said the following sentence that made me pause, “and reading your blogs, the things you say… made me think.  They helped me get through some tough weeks.”  All I could think was, "are you kidding me… they help me get through tough weeks" and what’s more than that is  while I knew some of her challenges, I did not know the entire story. I still don’t but in conversations she’s always smiling and joyful; uplifting and immensely loving.  How could I help someone like wonderfully-amazing her?

Back to this question.  I believe we all struggle with something we know we have overcome, something that maybe used to be us and isn’t us anymore.  Something that maybe never was us but was just a label someone gave us that we couldn’t shake.

My word  is Fraud... I feel like I am waiting on the world, friends and family, work colleagues, everybody... to discover I am not qualified to be here... in this space, in any space really.  In reality, I know have great skills...  I just cannot help to hear the word behind my ear and it cuts to my heart and I believe.  Damage in a word.

I shared that with the women's group and a new friend of mine sat across the table from me; with these grand sweeping circular motions, she said; "all I want to say is not true!"   And I believed her... but I also believed myself...

With that thought, I reached out to friends and friends of friends to find out what their words were…

While this topic marinated in my head I attended a church retreat this weekend... a slumber party of sorts... all ages... The weekend started in worship.  I wish I could have bottled up what quickly became my favorite part of the weekend... Women's voices... worshiping and praising God.  The sound of strength and courage, the sound of love and devotion, the sound of brokenness and hope.  Then the pastors wife prayed, she prayed straight into my heart... she prayed into this woman's heart...  the weekend began.

Spoken to me in content, in conversation, in listening to the quiet intimate crying of friends this thought rested on me again... the lies we believe, the words the world continues to hand us and we just take back... over and over.

The words started coming in... ~ Words in pictures...

As I received these I was struck by many things...

I know these ladies,  
obviously, or they wouldn't trust me with words guarded so closely to their hearts.

Failure was the first picture, it was hard to look at and brought me to tears.  For this beautiful woman, wife and mother who sent it to me... that she wears this word within her...  her F broke my heart... So bold and defined... like she not only holds on to the word Failure but also almost like she even gave herself a grade. 

YOU are not a Failure... your truth is that you are Fearfully and wonderfully made....

Second thought was always... but this is not true... she is equal!

I understand why she thinks this.  Many conversations... and to see it written out... I wish I knew what you were thinking as you traced your left hand and wrote the words across yourself. 

You are strong!  You have lived through and overcame heartbreak and sorrow... You are more than Equal... you are beautiful and faithful.  

Worthless... worth nothing...

A wife, a mother... someone's sister - daughter... a friend.

Not worthless....  worth everything!  Someone's everything.

Who tells us these things?  Who gives us these words, these lies... WHO?  Who has the right to hand them to us as if to say...

"Here, this is you!"

I love this picture... this book is called Spiritual Warfare...

These lies, these words only come from one place!

My friends, hear me when I say... these words do not  come from the author and finisher of our faith... they do not come from the creator, provider, protector... Savior... King...

1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful.  Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

John 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and your will is do to your father's desires.  He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and father of lies.

That makes me angry... we believe these things that come from a bad place...

Ultimately... fear... being afraid of what people will "find out".  Being afraid of failing.  Being afraid that we really are worthless... 

Fear...

I read this friends word and immediately my mind wanted to combat her fear, what ever it was with...

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power and love and self-discipline.  2 Timothy 1:7 

Which lead me to... So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves.  Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.  Now we call him, "Abba, Father."

We no longer need to be Afraid... 

Words spelled out, defined... pronounced...  Words worn within... and knit in our fabric...  All lies... 

This one as well...  false...  Too small or meaningless... to be worth consideration...

To believe... inside... that you aren't worth being considered... aren't worth being considered --- can you imagine?

Behind a smile... behind a hug and a hello might be someone who believes they aren't worth considering.

I have my own definition...

Adjectives: words that describe or modify another person or thing in the
sentence.

ALL of these....  Failure, not equal, worthless, not smart enough, insignificant... fraud!  Words that modify another person in the sentence... words that modify... modify... our inner selves.

What I love about this this word, insignificant...  defined... written out for this writer...  words can change!!  We can use them to redefine almost anything... even who we are.  We can take insignificant words like these to remind us who we are.

Back to this weekend...

I received this picture... blurry limitations...  the text said,

"As soon as she said it tonight I thought that's me.  I limit myself and even worse I limit God."

I read these words.... 

I look at these pictures - like artwork into women's souls...  I know there are so many more women and thousands more words...

The TRUTH...

Her phrase was I am not enough... I don't do enough... not enough...

But the TRUTH...

Her hand rests on... JESUS LOVES ME and I AM ENOUGH!

1 John 4:10  This is real love--not that we loved God,  but that HE loved us and sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

Galatians 5:22-23  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Psalm 139:16  Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.  And in Your book they were all written. The days fashioned for me.
 

Say this out loud...  Every time your word creeps in -- to remind yourself and to drive out Satan...

I am NOT (a)___________________!  God formed me and knows me intimately... He loves me... enough to send his Son to the cross... To die so that I can live in the truth.

John 8:31-32  So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free."

Amen!