My high school best friend is not the same best friend I have now. Not even close. My high school best friend journeyed with me from elementary school through junior high only becoming close those last few years. It is said that we will have many friends in life; some for a reason, some for a season and some for life. She was a friend for a season. We did not part as enemies but we did not part as friends either - instead we just parted.

I remember the day I told her, with all excitement, that I was getting married... I hadn't applied to colleges, college was out of my reach. My parents had lost a business and our childhood home, there was no money for me to continue my education at the moment - that could and would come later. Right now, I was excited to be getting married. I met a great guy who I just knew was the one God had for me. She didn't buy that... Neither marriage nor God's plan. So rather than gaining a bridesmaid - I lost a friend.

My friend's opinion was that I should wait, go to school so that I would never depend on a man; men were not to be depended on - my dad nor the loves that she had along the way. Men failed our moms... Her parents divorced. My parents stayed together though my dad remained mostly absent to us, finding the bottom of a bottle instead.

I remember my friend saying, "All men leave, wouldn't you like to be able to support yourself when that day comes?"

That was the first time I heard the "All men..." sentence, followed by the excuse of expected behavior. I remember my heart hurting for her... All men couldn't possibly be like my dad or the relationships she'd had.

There weren't many conversations between us after that.

Fast-forward 10 years... I did get married and now in my late 20s someone I looked up to had cheated on his wife of almost 30 years. He had justified it and excused it... I was blown away. His response to me, "Laurie, all men cheat and yours will too someday."

The second time I heard the "All men..." sentence... My heart broke. Really?!? My husband... My husband of 10 years, someday he will cheat on me? You know that? Those were the thoughts that ran through my head.

My husband and I were battling with infertility and the last few years had been so tough on our marriage, something I will be writing about soon... there had surely been more than once we didn't think we were going to make it and we were already fighting against all odds. To top all of that off, neither of us were walking with God.

I gave my life to God - when I was 13. We (my brother and me) attended church when my mom could take us or on major holidays. My desire to remain close to God waned through high school and before I knew it God was not much of a thought in my mind and my behavior sure exampled it.

Into our marriage we sought Him together and I looked for God with every negative pregnancy test and doctor appointment... God became the lamp of a genie I would rub. "God, if you would only..." "This month, okay God?" Church wasn't much help for either of us... infertility left me angry and alone.

Fast forward to present day, some friends are struggling with their marriage - having some of the same arguments we'd had just 10-12 years ago... the struggle is lust, the places men put their eye, search online, looking outside their marriage. My husband and I struggled with this too in our marriage and somedays we still do - anything airbrushed and made-up looks much better than what home life looks like sometimes.

This time we are walking closely with God, we know His commands, His expectations and yet we still sin. In the heart of all is sin and we will always struggle with these things but we have the work on the Cross, we have Grace... He have been justified through our belief and faith in Christ.

While sin is still ever present and in almost anything; we may lust, we may gossip, we may tell that one teeny-tiny lie so we don't have to commit to that one gathering... We remember to focus on scripture and are transformed by the renewing of our minds, by choosing Gods way rather than our sinful way...

In talking all these things through with our friends I found her husband saying, "All men..."

And something rewound each "All men..." sentence and something in my Spirit stirred... The words came quick out of my mouth.

Maybe all men (and women) on this earth will struggle, maybe we will all fall short time and again. Maybe we will cheat on our spouse, let our eyes wander, fall into a bottle of booze or needle in our arm... Walk away from our children... Give up on responsibilities... Or any number of things that happen in the world but does that make it ok?

Is that the sentence we want our sons and daughters to continue to hear or do we want more for ourselves, for our marriages, for our children and their marriages, relationships and lives? Especially as believers, don't we want to move past "All men..." and change the conversation? Wouldn't it be better to say, "Without God, all men... and with God, His power, His Spirit we can be changed, we can be made new?"

The way it has been doesn't have to be that way any longer... It starts with me, it begins at home... We can change the storyline, break the generational curses... Stand up for abstinence until marriage, faithfulness in marriage and a new life following Christ.

​I met my husband as I was graduating high school and we have been almost inseparable ever since... I can remember the first birthday we ever celebrated together - it was his and he was turning 21, most people were excited to turn 21 - I know I was... but not my husband... it was a number, another number toward adulthood and farther away from the irresponsibility of being a kid. For some reason Peter Pan just came to mind, unfortunately, I am not that far off... never going to grow up.  We celebrated his birthday in the mountains north of us; spent the weekend camping and fishing... the day he turned that number was awful...  my dear husband, the 21 year old... Man.Baby!   {Side note, my husband has also started to write, his passion is "Legacy" the legacy he is leaving, the foundation we are building in our kids for their future and their children's future.  You will see him address his own insecurities and determined passion in his blogs -- Found on my site which we will now share... under Double Legacy}.

Back to this story... I simply didn't "get" his aversion to turning another year older. 

Me, I love birthday's...  I love everything about them --- family and friends, the food, cakes and music, laughing... and laughing some more... some birthdays have lasted weeks and a few great ones have been celebrated for a month.  Celebrating birthdays, at least to me, signifies breath in my lungs, days I am able to be on this earth and in "mission purpose" for God.   

I love birthday's... except this one... this one that I am just turning... this number 37 -- ugh... I said it... shared my age... 37, 3-7.... on my way to 40... and i hate saying that.  I know birthday's are a gift, I do.  This one is just different, it's hard for me and I have been putting a lot of thought into why and thanks to my now 9 year old son, I get it.

I can honestly say, I have accomplished all my childhood goals... I wanted to be a wife and mother.  I wanted to have two children, one boy and one girl... oh yes, and he must be like his daddy and she must look like me.  I wanted to have a good job, a job which had meaning, which improved peoples lives.  where I could travel-but not too much... just enough to "see places" but not be away too much.  I wanted to be successful, the kind of successful which gave my family stability to afford nice things and take trips that I couldn't take when I was growing up.  

These goals... each one checked off one by one did not come without struggles... like... a infertility battle longer than I cared to endure,  arguments with my husband that had us calling it quits at least three "serious" times... a job that I loved which increased in instability year by year, oh, and a miscarriage of our miracle baby.  

Almost 19 years with my husband and lots of life lived, loved, yelled and argued through.  Lots of heart-ache and heart-break yet here we stand.  19 years -

If you pay attention God speaks, He works on you and in you... Life changes...  

One year and eight months ago I said goodbye to a job of 15 years that I loved - I loved my job… I worked for a large nonprofit, for a mission to make lives better for those diagnosed  with disease. I loved our mission - I loved what we did…
 
Like with any work place environment there are good days and there are bad days.  As culture changes so do organizations like ours.  Some of the changes were not good... Some had been a long time coming. Leadership changed drastically, also not necessarily good.   All along the changing tide I was preparing for year number 15, I never knew why - I just sensed something coming.   Year  number 15 was the year I was called away,  called to put down that job and move on.
 
Some say it's really hard to leave a place you love whether by choice or because the choice was made for you; they say there is a grieving process... And let me tell you, that is the absolute truth.  I mourned and grieved it like something had died. I would look back frequently on my time there and miss my colleagues, missed the mission and missed the job itself.  
 
I Missed event planning, missed hotels, I missed flying… flying high and doing great things for great people. I missed for a moment, many moments - if I am honest - the person I used to be.
 
I hadn't realized that I replaced what God said my significance as a human being was with who "they" said I was.  My identity was not mine but of this person I was while I was there. 
  
I moved on, mourning and that was not a great place to be. 

I found a temporary home someplace else...  This new place was not my place either but a stepping stone.  I know that now, in hindsight... This new place stripped from me pride and made me humble, it stripped my identity so a new one could be found, it made me stand firm in my faith and reject the world...  I had many dark conversations with God... so many rejected days.  I was mad.  I didn't understand.  I thought it one way, but He was showing me another. 1 year and 8 months later... I get it now.  

I finally turned in my laptop, building access card and parking pass...  I said some permanent good-byes while solidifying others deep in my heart.  I walked alone to my car...  a weight was gone... my lesson learned, or so I thought... 

Quite literally I smiled internally and externally as I lifted my IPhone and deleted my work email out of my inbox.  I should have been elated, but I knew - almost instantly that something wasn't right... in deleting my inbox I came to realize I had deleted 16 years of personal and professional contacts... with it died, the last remaining reminder of self I had. I know this sounds silly... but for a moment, consider losing every.single.contact you have ever made... especially in business when "we lean" on past favors and friendships.  GONE...  

The quite whisper came... "You don't need them, I have given you every single tool for the tasks ahead.  You have been equipped with your past experience for this next chapter."

I drowned out that quite voice... never... I did have a panic attack... I did try and reinstate from "the cloud"... I called, I tried... I did... and when I couldn't, I called an IT expert... my brother and he couldn't either.  Ya'all, it's bad when my brother can't fix it. 

Then... with fear and trembling, my brother quietly said, "Maybe you need to move on with out all that."  I literally responded with, "Shut your mouth..."  Folks, that was affirmation...  

For the first time in my life I can say... I have no five year plan.  I have no idea where I am going.  I am almost 40, with a wonderful husband of 19 years and a new career path.  I have put to death the "Idols" of what I thought I wanted my life to look like and for the first time I can say with absolute, unshaken confidence... I want to be on God's path - not before Him, not on the side of Him but right.in.step.behind Him.  His ways are so much better than my ways... 19 years proves all of that...  

I changed my sheets this week... fresh linen makes me happy. 

My hubbie thinks I am nuts, not because I like fresh clean sheets but because I don't like wrinkles in my bed... at all... so when the sheets get out of place, when I am re-tucking too much the new sheets go on. My mom is and was always really good at hospital corners, I am okay at it - I give it a good try.  Clean, crisp sheets... that is a good nights rest and this week I needed it.

Work has been rough, too much to do and so little time and home; home stuff just piles up... laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming... My elderly dog, she might be on her way out soon too... this week has really been busy.  To top all of that off, I volunteered at my church for Vacation Bible School, if you don't know what that is - check out your local church, I bet they have one and if they don't, find one....  My kids loved every minute of it and so did I. 

This year I asked to teach older kids since normally I am in a room with 2's, 3's and 4 year olds...  I wanted to get into the meat of the stories, learn how God is our Creator, Provider, Protector, Savior and King right along with 1st and 2nd graders.  I also wanted to teach with a seasoned Godly women and I got just that...

Anyway, 1st and 2nd graders really are no different than teaching the wee ones, their attention spans are a little longer but they still want to move on quickly... they also want to talk, a lot --- and be heard....  The difference is in the planting, you plant the seeds of God's word and you hope they hear it, the wee ones hear Jesus loves you... the older ones hear the message more and  some grasp onto it, others the seed is down but might not be completely covered ready for watering. 

I met some great kids... Kids who told me they'd use their talents to teach other kids to play sports, boys who treasured their mommas and wanted to give back someway because their momma's loved them right.  Girls who want to go and tell their friends about the stories they heard this week. 

One of my favorite sounds is children worshiping... their sweet voices, drifting  in the air... dancing, clapping, signing the words that God is King.  I close my eyes and listen and think - this is what heaven must be like!  Revelation says they worship day and night.  Such a sweet sound...

Then to hear the lead teacher in my room tell the story of salvation... the story of Jesus dying on the cross and then rising on the third day... she is sitting on the floor with these 15 wonderful kids, resting on her knees and she's reading verse after verse. 

John 20:11-18
11 Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12 and saw two angels in white seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

13 They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?" “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him. 14 At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus. 15 He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?" Who is it you are looking for?” Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

16 Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

And my friend, she is on her knees remember, she's speaking softly; she is reading the words to these kids like she is the one who has lost her friend.  She rounds herself up, on her knees and draws closer to The Book in her lap, reading she says, "Where have you put my Jesus", there is a hint of sadness in her quite whisper. "Where have you put my Jesus?  My Friend, he is gone". 

The kids have drawn into her... I, myself, have been pulled in by her... My Jesus, where did he go... he is missing.... but he wasn't,  He was there... risen... behind her and he called her by name.

Wow... called her by name... MARY... He calls me by name too... even writing these words to you, the tears have welled up... He.Calls.ME.By.MY.Name!  My heart breaks for that kind of love... My God - Alive and Risen... The tomb empty, his burial cloths folded on the stone...

So this night... I changed my sheets...and I am tucking and folding.  I am tightening the sheets, preparing to go to bed.  Thinking about my quiet time with God, thinking of the stories I have heard.... allowing them to settle on my heart... humbled.  I am loved by a risen God...  and I think - what would I be doing now if I didn't know Him?  How would my life be different if I didn't believe?  What would that look like?  Last week when things got tough and the rug looked like it had been pulled away, when I was able to pray and give my worries over to The One who protects and saves... what if I couldn't?  What if when I was waiting to get pregnant, I didn't recognize The One who gives life and heart break after heart break left me in a pit of despair... and I couldn't call on Him, where would I be?  What if, this girl who cried on the floor of her shower, the morning of her surgery to take away the baby that died before the end of the first trimester... what if in those tears, in that moment, in the silence and sadness her questions hadn't been answered with the truth of "My daughter you will have three children?" 

I cannot even fathom... I cannot even fathom... I cannot - fathom!

So, heart broken open... for those who don't know... There is a God who loves you.  He wants to know you... He knows your name, even though you might not know his, want to know his... or knew his but have forgotten it for a time...  He calls you by name... he knit you together in your mother womb... and he wants to call you his.

It is my prayer tonight... that the 1900 people who have read a portion of this blog... at anytime... if you never read again... 1900 people... this week... read... this...

There is a God who loves you, He wants to know you, He knows your name and He calls you by it.  He knit you together in your mother's womb and he wants to call you His...  He died so that we might live!

When my husband and I were going through our infertility… Our infertility… let me pause right there a moment.  I just have to take a second or two and give props to the husbands. A lot of couples go through infertility; it’s not just a woman suffering alone.   Infertility takes a toll on the couple.  There are even accounts in the Bible where the husband bore some of the woman’s heartache.   In Genesis Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife…  Abraham and Sarah… Hannah and Elkanah….  

There is a lot to be said for the husband who sticks his wife with hormone shots, who races to the drug store to pick up a  pee-stick in the middle of the night just in case this is the month! Yes, there is something to be said for the husband who holds his wife’s tears on his shoulder as they say good-bye to the baby that died at 8 weeks 6 days.  The husband who attends the genetic counseling appointment because this is the appointment his wife is afraid of, too many big words and scary realities.  It was our infertility…   I am thankful I shared it with my husband and he shared the burden with me...

Back to the story….  So I say again, when my husband and I were going through our infertility,  we’d talk about having ONE  child… we’d dream about who he OR she would be; boy or girl… like me/ like him.  I hoped he’d have
blond hair; he hoped she’d have my eyes… all these features we discussed. 

We  never discussed personalities…

Personalities personified!  Oh my goodness.  Personalities in the flesh… cute.little.loves, that when the good goes bad you want to squeeze them and
never.let.go!

We are having a tough time with our kids, their attitudes and communication… Why are we having a tough time with this? Our kids, their attitudes and communication have manifested as the attitudes and communication that my husband and I have; as individuals ourselves and to others.   Our kids are
learning our “very best” bad habits; whether or not it’s a “genetic thing” or
they are “learning it by watching”.

Some examples… because examples are funny when they are someone else’s smarty-pants kids…

Last night was a late night for my kids, Wednesday’s typically are…  I
cannot quite tell you what the conversation was about or why the argument
started but my son and I were just not on the same page.  I believe I needed him to get ready for bed and he wanted to show me everything except how he knew to get ready for bed… he had to pee first, he had to show me his library book first, he had to wait for daddy first, he needed a cup of water first… he needed everything first but the one thing I needed him to do, first. And when he got tired of listening to me nag… he walked away, #likehisdaddydoes!  I cannot tell you how many shades of red I got, or which way my head started to spin…  

It was not a good thing… it was, however, a good conversation starter for his dad and me this morning…  To further illustrate this situation, on the heels of last night with my son, my husband had the following experience this morning with my little Faith-child, the one that looks like me; apparently also acts like me… the conversation went like this:

Daddy:  (murmuring coming from the living room)

Faith-child: (following daddy into our bedroom)  Daaadddd!  My cereal is not on the kitchen table!

Daddy:  I know that, I asked you what kind of cereal you wanted.

Faith-child: Oh, well if you speak louder I could have heard you.

Mommy:  I am sorry honey; you could have respected your daddy a little better and listened to him with both ears.  Please pick out your cereal and be patient… I also expect an apology to daddy.

Faith-child: I am sorry dad… (as she shrugs out the room)

My husband looks at me… and says… “She is you!”

Almost as if God wanted to prove his point. This was waiting for me in my inbox at work today… Daily, Positive, Encouraging… K-Love!  God has a sense of humor.  I wonder how much “smarty-pants” makes him laugh?!   

Point taken!

Jumping out at me… 

Integrity: 


The quality of  being honest and having strong moral principles, moral uprightness, honesty, ethics, virtue, decency, etc.

Moral: 

Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character.

Wow!  If ever I felt like I needed to reconcile myself it’s about now… Humbled by the lesson, hopeful we’ll get it right and our beautiful children will turn out okay…  That we won’t mess up too badly!
 
My prayer tonight is this…

My Father in Heaven,
Thank you for the privilege to raise your most precious…  I know I am not going to get it right every day, hour, minute, moment.  I am thankful that you’ve extended me grace.  Please help me to speak love, joy, self-worth and your grace to my kids.  Help me to remember that they are always watching what I do, help me to live that same love, joy, worth, grace to others and when I falter… let me extend it to myself as well.  Thank you for your hands that hold me up, for your love and the cross that saved me… -  Amen

January 17, 2014
Infertility and Prayer                                                                                      
Part I
 
Infertility.
 
Infertility is fundamentally the inability to conceive a baby.  Infertility also refers to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancy to full term. 
(Wikipedia)

The definition does not do the word justice.  

Infertility by definition describes the action… the action of not being able to conceive, to carry… Infertility said to me… You cannot have a baby...   Cannot have a baby… Cannot.Have.A.Baby!
 
The definition does not take into account the young married couple, who waited to try and have children after they got settled in careers or traveled the world, who wanted to “experience life” before “life” happened.  The definition does not allow for the dreams that - by one word - shattered the
fragile picture frame held in my mind of a long life with my husband,
pitter-patter of little feet, hand-prints on the wall, school plays, high-school
games, college, marriage, careers witnessed, grandchildren… being cared for by those that you cared for when your time comes.  That picture shattered; shards of glass on my minds floor.

The definition does not allow for the tests, the scans, and the blood work… the diagnosis… the flights you have with your spouse… the money that spills out as you “try”.  
 
The definition makes way for prayer, before each appointment… the
nights you lay awake at night wondering, worrying, and waiting. 
The prayer after the negative sign… I cannot speak to how many negative
signs there were, too many, defeating, negative signs for 9 years.  
 
The positive.  One day, after we’d just stopped… stopped all the trying… stopped all the tests, the drugs, the diets, the temperature taking… 
The stupid little stick gave in and gave me a sign… the sign different than the others.  Oh how excited we were, we shared with many… we bought things for the nursery.  Until, back from vacation, nearing week number 12; excited to see our baby on a screen to hear the heart beat… our moms came, excited for us.   The words – “I am sorry… there is no heartbeat… no life… your baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days”.  We’ll send for genetic testing, we’ll figure this
out.

Infertility!
 
The night before the D&C, guiltily I lay in bed wishing the dead out of me; anxious for the morning.  Up early, in the shower I prayed… I did not just pray… I cried 9 years’ worth of tears and frustration.  I was angry and I spoke to God, I yelled within my soul at God.  I was broken and crumpled on the shower floor. 
 
“I.am.done!  You say “you will not leave me or forsake me” but I feel left and forsaken. You say “I will bring you through your sorrows”, I am in my sorrow now! I do not have 10 more years to give, unless you have another way, I am done with this baby business…”
 
My friends do not miss this part…  My prayer, my cry… my loss was heard…
the answer that gracefully comes was heard behind my ear.  Grace quietly whispered, “Daughter, you will have three children.”
 
Genetic testing was done, a girl, extra chromosome...  The healing began and six months later, Baby A and Baby B.

Brokenness ushered in Grace.  Prayer ushered in Grace.  Our God hears dear friends.  Our God answers!

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.  Deuteronomy 31:8  ESV 
 
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews  4:16 ESV