It’s two am… and it is my dreams which have woken me. I am all over the place with my thoughts --- we shall start there and see what comes of it.
Mom’s "saying" what I am saying. Insecurities, that was my dream. I will give birth to that thought on another page. Not now. Now is not the time for that.
I suppose the quiet got to me, I suppose it gets me every time. We spent the last four days close to the Arizona/Mexico border at Parker Lake. It is a small lake with nothing around for miles. If we forgot something there is no running into town. Going to town would require a great distance to travel. We were only just a few of the families camping this weekend. The daytime was quiet and peaceful; the nights were even more so and add stars - stars like I haven't seen in years. Stars so bright and constellations normally hid from view appeared with no lights to dim their glow. It was so easy to get entranced by their beauty.
"Then God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night. He made the stars also." Gen. 1:16
"He counts the number of stars; He calls them all by name." Psalm 147:4
In the dark, in the pitch black... with no other light to interfere, the awesomeness of those two verses boggle my mind. How great is He that made those things? How great is He that He numbered them and calls them all by name?
Even typing that memory I get lost in thought... Back on track - there was no cell service - not one ounce. There were no emails to check, no social media to keep up on, no news to get lost in... nothing but each moment. So without all the distraction, my cell phone was left behind, forgotten on the charger in the camper. My best-friend had some, cell service that is, which I was thankful for… it helped us find out that our favorite winery was open through the Thanksgiving holiday and we could stop in and grab our favorite bottle of sangria (which we did on our way home). She was also the one who remembered to take pictures to commemorate our annual trip… I barely took any pictures so in this blog I will be giving picture cred to her.
We fished and hiked... we laid around on the windy, rainy, and cold day. We watched the leaves change and fall. Our kids played laser tag and rode their bikes. We prepared meals together and laughed more than we had in quite some time.
Returning from a trip like this it would stand to reason that one would be de-stressed, relaxed and ready to take on the world. Not so, instead I have come home with an internal struggle, an unease... which is blossoming into an understanding with which is counter-culture to all I have ever learned.
Measurables, whose line is it anyway… whose yardstick, whose tape-measure, whose measurable did I buy into. I think I have realized that my measurable is not mine at all and most days I feel like a floppy plastic pink ruler. I cannot blame my parents or society… both just go with the current…
When I was little my parents and any good teacher told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. I could aim for the stars and achieve everything I dared to achieve. Words and statements which were positive, empowering and absolutely true. We want our "littles" to grow up believing and achieving... and chasing... a measurable... isn't that right?
I have chased my own measurable and have come up empty in most "choose your own adventure" flow-chart I drew. I have found success in education. I have climbed up the corporate ladder in titles and raises. I have found success in jobs and in the accolades of people.
I have, however, always wanted more...
Until I didn't and walked away from it all. Giving it all up to be in my marriage and to be "two somebodies" mommy. To choosing not to come home every day tired and exhausted from a commute which took too long and giving 100% of myself to a place that will not remember my name. To saying no to the on-call hours and continual thoughts of work; strategizing and mentally preparing for the next work day. Exchanging it all to volunteer as a parent helper in art class and being home when "they" are home. To creating a daily menu board and mostly sticking to it. To focus my heart and soul on the blessings this life has offered me in the family my husband and I have created. Finding a job which barely helps to get us by but is more rewarding than anything I've ever had the privilege to do...
When we pulled into town late in the afternoon we stopped at a gas station to service our camper before putting it back in storage. Our oldest, biggest, mutt of a dog bounded out the camper door, past my husband and headed out for the busy intersection... busy from the cars returning home early in preparation for the thanksgiving holiday, busy with people thinking of their store lists for the feast to come, busy with the thought of packing for a late night drive to "be home for the holiday"... Busy... and as I saw our dog bound in the corner of my eye, I bounded out with him... to help my husband catch him... as my door swung open and my foot hit the pavement I was back... back in the busy of this life. Busy in the noise of cars rushing past and honking for the green light... sirens of the emergency vehicles and first responders. Back in the busy... Before I could regain my thoughts, my husband handed our dogs leash to me... and my husband said, "I think he's just had himself a bit of a shock that we aren't still up in the mountains, crazy dog." Him and me both...
Letting the busy go... Letting ideas of who we could be, should be, go. Letting go of the measurable created by ideas of having it all... The job, the home, the 2.5 kids, the picket fences... not that it is wrong, if it is for you...
Yet, still... my measurable is counter-culture. Which is why, perhaps, I laid with my husband in the quiet of the house fretting about my lost wages, titles, and choices. Why I feel a guilt for letting it all go...
Finding my measurable, instead, in something more...
What if that's what we teach our children. What if that's what we re-learn for ourselves. The measurable found in the creator of the heavens and the earth. Who does He say we are? Who has He created me to be?
"Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us, But to Your name give the glory, Because of Your mercy, Because of your Truth." Psalm 115:1
Mom’s "saying" what I am saying. Insecurities, that was my dream. I will give birth to that thought on another page. Not now. Now is not the time for that.
I suppose the quiet got to me, I suppose it gets me every time. We spent the last four days close to the Arizona/Mexico border at Parker Lake. It is a small lake with nothing around for miles. If we forgot something there is no running into town. Going to town would require a great distance to travel. We were only just a few of the families camping this weekend. The daytime was quiet and peaceful; the nights were even more so and add stars - stars like I haven't seen in years. Stars so bright and constellations normally hid from view appeared with no lights to dim their glow. It was so easy to get entranced by their beauty.
"Then God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night. He made the stars also." Gen. 1:16
"He counts the number of stars; He calls them all by name." Psalm 147:4
In the dark, in the pitch black... with no other light to interfere, the awesomeness of those two verses boggle my mind. How great is He that made those things? How great is He that He numbered them and calls them all by name?
Even typing that memory I get lost in thought... Back on track - there was no cell service - not one ounce. There were no emails to check, no social media to keep up on, no news to get lost in... nothing but each moment. So without all the distraction, my cell phone was left behind, forgotten on the charger in the camper. My best-friend had some, cell service that is, which I was thankful for… it helped us find out that our favorite winery was open through the Thanksgiving holiday and we could stop in and grab our favorite bottle of sangria (which we did on our way home). She was also the one who remembered to take pictures to commemorate our annual trip… I barely took any pictures so in this blog I will be giving picture cred to her.
We fished and hiked... we laid around on the windy, rainy, and cold day. We watched the leaves change and fall. Our kids played laser tag and rode their bikes. We prepared meals together and laughed more than we had in quite some time.
Returning from a trip like this it would stand to reason that one would be de-stressed, relaxed and ready to take on the world. Not so, instead I have come home with an internal struggle, an unease... which is blossoming into an understanding with which is counter-culture to all I have ever learned.
Measurables, whose line is it anyway… whose yardstick, whose tape-measure, whose measurable did I buy into. I think I have realized that my measurable is not mine at all and most days I feel like a floppy plastic pink ruler. I cannot blame my parents or society… both just go with the current…
When I was little my parents and any good teacher told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. I could aim for the stars and achieve everything I dared to achieve. Words and statements which were positive, empowering and absolutely true. We want our "littles" to grow up believing and achieving... and chasing... a measurable... isn't that right?
I have chased my own measurable and have come up empty in most "choose your own adventure" flow-chart I drew. I have found success in education. I have climbed up the corporate ladder in titles and raises. I have found success in jobs and in the accolades of people.
I have, however, always wanted more...
Until I didn't and walked away from it all. Giving it all up to be in my marriage and to be "two somebodies" mommy. To choosing not to come home every day tired and exhausted from a commute which took too long and giving 100% of myself to a place that will not remember my name. To saying no to the on-call hours and continual thoughts of work; strategizing and mentally preparing for the next work day. Exchanging it all to volunteer as a parent helper in art class and being home when "they" are home. To creating a daily menu board and mostly sticking to it. To focus my heart and soul on the blessings this life has offered me in the family my husband and I have created. Finding a job which barely helps to get us by but is more rewarding than anything I've ever had the privilege to do...
When we pulled into town late in the afternoon we stopped at a gas station to service our camper before putting it back in storage. Our oldest, biggest, mutt of a dog bounded out the camper door, past my husband and headed out for the busy intersection... busy from the cars returning home early in preparation for the thanksgiving holiday, busy with people thinking of their store lists for the feast to come, busy with the thought of packing for a late night drive to "be home for the holiday"... Busy... and as I saw our dog bound in the corner of my eye, I bounded out with him... to help my husband catch him... as my door swung open and my foot hit the pavement I was back... back in the busy of this life. Busy in the noise of cars rushing past and honking for the green light... sirens of the emergency vehicles and first responders. Back in the busy... Before I could regain my thoughts, my husband handed our dogs leash to me... and my husband said, "I think he's just had himself a bit of a shock that we aren't still up in the mountains, crazy dog." Him and me both...
Letting the busy go... Letting ideas of who we could be, should be, go. Letting go of the measurable created by ideas of having it all... The job, the home, the 2.5 kids, the picket fences... not that it is wrong, if it is for you...
Yet, still... my measurable is counter-culture. Which is why, perhaps, I laid with my husband in the quiet of the house fretting about my lost wages, titles, and choices. Why I feel a guilt for letting it all go...
Finding my measurable, instead, in something more...
What if that's what we teach our children. What if that's what we re-learn for ourselves. The measurable found in the creator of the heavens and the earth. Who does He say we are? Who has He created me to be?
"Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us, But to Your name give the glory, Because of Your mercy, Because of your Truth." Psalm 115:1
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