I hate being weak, I am hating each moment of realizing I cannot just get up and go "do it for myself".  I have always been like this.  I don't rely well on others because others let you down.  I also have no patience...

As a little girl, I remember my hair was long and straight my mom would love to brush it.  I wanted to do it for myself.  I also hated it when she would braid my hair, it took too long for me.  I wanted to be away, doing what ever it was I wanted to do.  Not sitting, waiting for the time to pass, when mom would be done.  

This week is a series of waiting...  Waited at the side of the pool at the park for someone to help me get to first aide.  The comment from the life guard, in her early 20's and probably her summer job - "I doubt it's broken ma'am, you wouldn't be doing this well."  First of all she called me ma'am and second she was waiting for me to break down.  I am not broken or weak... also... my son was there... I couldn't lose it for his sake.

Waiting in my wet bathing suit to be seen at urgent care, husband still at the water park with the rest of our friends and some of the kids... vacation didn't have to be ruined for them just yet.  Waiting for my friend to come get me.  Patiently waiting.  Several times she wondered at how I could be taking it all so
well.  Waiting to cry... maybe when I finally am home with my hubbie.  

At the surgeons office and the realization of how bad it is.  Surgery next week.  I haven't broke down yet.

Alone at home Thursday night... my moment, alone, the one everyone is waiting on me to have... Kids are tucked nicely in bed.  Maneuvering my crutches, taking myself to bed...  lifting my body up I fall back against the mattress I lose all composure which I have guarded close to my vest.  All my joints ache, muscles which have been awakened from being unused and overcompensating for the un-stability of my ankle a limb almost completely useless.  

I remember the scriptures which say... My power is made perfect in weakness... So I pray instead and thank God for the blessing surrounding us at this time, thanking God for these moments... and another scripture comes to mind.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

I have to wait patiently on the Lord, he hears me cry.  The Lord will help me!

I have asked myself over and over again... Why is this happening?  I have felt within my soul that this is a game changer in my life.  I feel those things many times this week and there has been no answer.   This morning, scrolling though Facebook, I find...  my answer!

Four hours later, surgery soon and a flight booked for home.  

I had less than 24 more hours with my cherished friend, we had some good talks but what sticks with me is how much she served me with love.  Blessings in the mess...  Blessings in the brokenness.  She cared for my daughter who wouldn't leave my side.  She calmed her fears.  She cared for me and ran for my prescriptions.  She helped me navigate my new crutches and caught me when I fell; helped me upstairs, helped me change from my still damp pool clothes, helped me to the bathroom... she kept log of the times I took medicine, kept me fed and happy.  In those 24 hours she fit a weeks worth of all the things we loved doing together while sitting on her couch, which was exactly what I wanted to do on vacation anyway.  

I changed my sheets this week... fresh linen makes me happy. 

My hubbie thinks I am nuts, not because I like fresh clean sheets but because I don't like wrinkles in my bed... at all... so when the sheets get out of place, when I am re-tucking too much the new sheets go on. My mom is and was always really good at hospital corners, I am okay at it - I give it a good try.  Clean, crisp sheets... that is a good nights rest and this week I needed it.

Work has been rough, too much to do and so little time and home; home stuff just piles up... laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming... My elderly dog, she might be on her way out soon too... this week has really been busy.  To top all of that off, I volunteered at my church for Vacation Bible School, if you don't know what that is - check out your local church, I bet they have one and if they don't, find one....  My kids loved every minute of it and so did I. 

This year I asked to teach older kids since normally I am in a room with 2's, 3's and 4 year olds...  I wanted to get into the meat of the stories, learn how God is our Creator, Provider, Protector, Savior and King right along with 1st and 2nd graders.  I also wanted to teach with a seasoned Godly women and I got just that...

Anyway, 1st and 2nd graders really are no different than teaching the wee ones, their attention spans are a little longer but they still want to move on quickly... they also want to talk, a lot --- and be heard....  The difference is in the planting, you plant the seeds of God's word and you hope they hear it, the wee ones hear Jesus loves you... the older ones hear the message more and  some grasp onto it, others the seed is down but might not be completely covered ready for watering. 

I met some great kids... Kids who told me they'd use their talents to teach other kids to play sports, boys who treasured their mommas and wanted to give back someway because their momma's loved them right.  Girls who want to go and tell their friends about the stories they heard this week. 

One of my favorite sounds is children worshiping... their sweet voices, drifting  in the air... dancing, clapping, signing the words that God is King.  I close my eyes and listen and think - this is what heaven must be like!  Revelation says they worship day and night.  Such a sweet sound...

Then to hear the lead teacher in my room tell the story of salvation... the story of Jesus dying on the cross and then rising on the third day... she is sitting on the floor with these 15 wonderful kids, resting on her knees and she's reading verse after verse. 

John 20:11-18
11 Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12 and saw two angels in white seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

13 They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?" “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him. 14 At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus. 15 He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?" Who is it you are looking for?” Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

16 Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

And my friend, she is on her knees remember, she's speaking softly; she is reading the words to these kids like she is the one who has lost her friend.  She rounds herself up, on her knees and draws closer to The Book in her lap, reading she says, "Where have you put my Jesus", there is a hint of sadness in her quite whisper. "Where have you put my Jesus?  My Friend, he is gone". 

The kids have drawn into her... I, myself, have been pulled in by her... My Jesus, where did he go... he is missing.... but he wasn't,  He was there... risen... behind her and he called her by name.

Wow... called her by name... MARY... He calls me by name too... even writing these words to you, the tears have welled up... He.Calls.ME.By.MY.Name!  My heart breaks for that kind of love... My God - Alive and Risen... The tomb empty, his burial cloths folded on the stone...

So this night... I changed my sheets...and I am tucking and folding.  I am tightening the sheets, preparing to go to bed.  Thinking about my quiet time with God, thinking of the stories I have heard.... allowing them to settle on my heart... humbled.  I am loved by a risen God...  and I think - what would I be doing now if I didn't know Him?  How would my life be different if I didn't believe?  What would that look like?  Last week when things got tough and the rug looked like it had been pulled away, when I was able to pray and give my worries over to The One who protects and saves... what if I couldn't?  What if when I was waiting to get pregnant, I didn't recognize The One who gives life and heart break after heart break left me in a pit of despair... and I couldn't call on Him, where would I be?  What if, this girl who cried on the floor of her shower, the morning of her surgery to take away the baby that died before the end of the first trimester... what if in those tears, in that moment, in the silence and sadness her questions hadn't been answered with the truth of "My daughter you will have three children?" 

I cannot even fathom... I cannot even fathom... I cannot - fathom!

So, heart broken open... for those who don't know... There is a God who loves you.  He wants to know you... He knows your name, even though you might not know his, want to know his... or knew his but have forgotten it for a time...  He calls you by name... he knit you together in your mother womb... and he wants to call you his.

It is my prayer tonight... that the 1900 people who have read a portion of this blog... at anytime... if you never read again... 1900 people... this week... read... this...

There is a God who loves you, He wants to know you, He knows your name and He calls you by it.  He knit you together in your mother's womb and he wants to call you His...  He died so that we might live!

I jinxed myself... I actually jinxed myself.  I don't really believe in jinxing, but... I do believe that God moves and just the mere thought I had should have been a foreshadow of things to come.

For about a month my soul has been at peace, my life is quiet and the stones of the path I have been walking are amazing.  Nothing could be better...  Between the bliss of this life and the upset apple cart, ignorant of the "what's to come". 

Recently I'd been thinking... I may have nothing more to write... the space in my head was calm and blank and I mean visually... blank. Topics weren't coming.  There are things going on, things I could write about but there's not a calling or longing.  Just blankness.

Last week at Bible Study, the study of Gideon...  the only Bible Study night on Gideon I can do because of schedules and vacations... The women leading stopped the normal flow of the Bible Study for this "in the middle" "Late-Breaking Interruption"  like the newscasters do.  It was great, one of those times where you hear what you think you need to hear.

Then Thursday struck. I felt like that, with a phone call first thing in the morning - HERE is your LATE-BREAKING Interruption!  Divinely placed in life at this moment for me to feel as though the apple cart had been upset... a toppling over the game board.

Emailing with a friend I was telling her I don't know how much more of this situation I can take, you see, it comes and goes... flares up and then dies down.  We both acknowledged it's all in God's will for our lives... but if he could just give us a road map, or a list of situations we'd walk through, we'd overcome and he'd be there... where is that visual?  I was feeling a little like Thomas at that point, "if I could just see your wounds, then I would believe it's you". 

In our correspondence I mentioned to her about Gideon, all the ways he asked God for a sign... is this really your will for me... if you could just do this impossible thing, then I would know it was you and I would do what you are asking me to do... three times he asked.  Then he takes 300 into battle and defeats thousands and thousands.

Ananias was afraid to seek out Saul of Tarsus, Paul, so Jesus provided the way, marking off Ananias' own signs that God was there and he was doing the right thing, following the right path.  Ananias helps Saul and Paul goes on to write most of the New Testament.

But then I thought of Isaiah, He goes and says to King Ahab of Israel that there is going to be this long drought; this is going to be God punishing you and then God instructs him to leave to a ravine which literally means to separate, Kerith Ravine.  Seclusion, limited provision... relying on the promise of Ravens bringing food and a small stream for water... I wonder what Isaiah was thinking?  To have the complete and utter trust in the unseen, the trust in a God who somehow, without our limited understanding will provide, make it good for us and will sustain us - in all things... not just the things we think we need help with.  He provides it all...   

Then there is me, I am a planner, within my power - I need to have plans made, dates on calendars.  My profession is planning, analyzing risks, preparing backup plans.  Calmly and tactfully handle a change, an issue, a catastrophe with kindness and grace, understanding... Yes, we can do that... with a smile.

Meanwhile, my faith-lived out asks me to believe without seeing.  Trust that all will be accomplished without any doing or planning of my own.... against the grain of my nature, of human nature. 

The planner tries to fathom the person God is calling me to be, the person he has in store for me.  I am in awe at how much he loves me and what he's done thus far... However, what's the big picture? 

We aren't meant to know... frustrating, exciting... mind-boggling!

So, back to my apple cart -- one week later, full circle... from the news last Thursday to this moment... All has been taken care of.  My mind is at ease, God as provided the way, again, as he always does.  My internal balance is restored and the apple cart isn't such a big deal after all.

I lived within the promises of God, remembered his will for my life, asked for
prayers and prayed a little for myself as well... 
      
Matthew 6:31-32 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you.
He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you."

The Lord knows all of our needs, He provides for us and he will personally go before you... What an amazing promise to calm my heart, release my worry of "what if", relinquish my hold on what's within my means to do...  once more, I sit - In awe.

Which brings me to my dad...  Most are aware that my dad has battled more than his fair share of demons...  Growing up wasn't easy, life was really hard and there were may pit-falls and collateral damage.  My childhood wasn't ideal, but ideal - I have found, is a realization you create for yourself in your mind... ideal is or at least for me was something everyone else had.  My dad used to say "you will understand when you have kids of your own"... or "when you are older".  I am not referring to his reasons for drinking or falling short as
a father.  I am referring to his discipline, the places I couldn't go or the friends he didn't necessarily want me to associate with.  He was tough and there was a lot of discipline... I understand, like he said, "now that I have my own children". 

My dad also has  loved me beyond measure.  He has comforted me when I have been sad, his  heart has broken for me when I seemed to have hurt myself beyond  repair.  He has listened when I have needed him to and he has been  proud of me with all of my successes. 

As recently as last night my pastor asked a question on Facebook; Father's Day is quickly approaching!  Reply and share with us what you love/loved about your dad. What made/makes him special?  My reply, "That he had always provided a home.  That I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I always have a home! And that is true, I remember sitting at his feet and we'd be talking about the future... even on my wedding day... the soft reminder that I was never too old to come home.  Love Beyond Measure.

At the end of the day, when the last glass has been washed and dried. After the kids have been put into bed, when they have their water and their prayers have been said. After I read my devotional, it's really been too long, fallen out of habit because there are so many other things to get done. After the book work of my Bible Studies are complete...

The house is quiet. I feel Him waiting. Waiting for me to speak with Him. Waiting for me to come to bed and close my eyes and start the personal conversation.

This morning during our time, I got too busy. I caught myself in thought working through all the things I could do to fix this or improve that. I bargained with myself, believing the lie that God's will would have me to this and that... When in reality I wasn't in his will. Thankfully, I took a moment... Realize and apologized.

Tonight... I hear.   Speak with them... Let them know that I am here. That is why the short Blog. God wants a relationship with you. He wants you to get to know Him; His word and the love and grace he has for you. He wants you to lay your burdens and fears at his feet and believe he's got "this".

So I lay here, in the dark of night. The light from my smart phone shines as the only trace that someone is up in this house...

Dear Heavenly Father,

I have been much to quiet for my friends. I have been caught up in the things I should say. The stand I should take. Over thinking this writing... Thankful and blessed for the simple; a prayer, dark of night and quiet time. My God, thank you for the many blessings in this life. For the love of family, beautiful happy kids and a job more than I deserve.

Thank you for using this daughter of yours in service of others. I am humbled by the places I have found myself in and always within your grace.

Lord I pray for those tonight serving in the ministries of the churches we are involved in. I pray for their continued renewal, safe passage and courage to do what is right. I pray for those women you have placed on my heart to do something more, I pray that we are a blessing to each other. I pray for the events you have placed me in and working on...

I pray for my family. You know the struggle we are on the midst of... You know the hearts you are working on and you know how much some of us want to give up, turn the other way and retreat. I believe without a doubt that you have placed the answer within our hearts for this situation and I pray that you cultivate those answers so that we may obay and follow your direction.

I pray for the beautiful sleeping children; help their daddy and I train them up in the way that they will go. Help us to stand firm when needed and teach us when to hold their tender little hearts as the tears of sadness and remorse fall. Help us to build up mighty warriors for your Army. May we teach them to serve as you'd have us serve.

Lord, I thank you that I can rest in you.

In your Son's Holy Name I pray.

Amen

I have never done a revision before, I was finished or so I thought... posted and done.  What's next?  No words... I handed my notes over for my husband to read... he says to me, "That's it?  Are you sure, that is not like you, it's missing something".   I wonder... what, what could be missing... like cooking; like a recipe... some spice, a dash of pepper or a little salt maybe...  Encouragement comes from him... or my mom.  Mom calls in the morning, as usual, she tells me she liked my post, "but, there was something missing".  Again, with the missing... Missing what.  She analyzes me, like mom's do, she says, "I know you've been hurt, I know this situation has taken some spark".  I think to myself... "Actually, my spark is just fine".  Yes, maybe, it's missing something...

So, an incomplete writing is bothering me... spices... salt...

So here goes!  What do you do with anger or I guess I should say... what should I do with anger?  I am working on and through a situation with some family members and I don't quite know how to compartmentalize it.  I have had the tough conversations with them... actually once a year right around this time.  I have said that their bad behavior does not affect who I am, I will continue to be true to myself... but it is so hard.  

I don't want to be the bigger person.  I don't want to continually say... OK... yes you really worked me over last week but sure I will come and perform for you.  In fact, will be happy to participate in this dog-and-pony-show with hoops that you expect me to jump through given your whim.  

The right thing to do would be to turn the other cheek... sure... but... but... really? Again?  My face is too red and raw from the times I have been slapped and my gut... well... it just doesn't want to get punched again. 

Anger... Frustration... Hurt... Sadness...

The word I hear over and over again right now... is Grace... GRACE... a big old heaping of Grace... 

Just saying Grace makes me close my eyes and breathe.  

With prayer, in calmness, with love... my solution was to go and speak with them, face to face.  They, on the other hand, decided to share information with everyone but me... for an entire year.  Face to face works better I think.  Two hours later, no closer to a resolution than when we started.  I think it actually
might be worse now...

The one thing I do know... I did the right thing by speaking with them, things came out that have needed to for thirty years.  Today I am not carrying around the weight of these bags.  I handed them back over for them to carry for awhile.  It was luggage they gave me anyway and guess what... within Christ, those bags don't fit me anymore!

I have realized that some relationships aren't good.  Sometimes you have to let it go, if you don't other behaviors can creep into your life.  Sometimes you need to free yourself from the relationship that hurts so that you can heal... so you can move on... so that you can look at yourself with the love that God sees in you.  

Grace... breathe...  Grace...
 
Salt... I forgot the salt... and the light.

Rereading everything that brought me to this place... the round table where we met, the chairs we sat in... looking across the table at each other.  To them, I did not do, "apology right".  I believe, they were expecting tears and a broken mess.  I believe they were expecting, yes sir and no sir... of course you can hand me all this back; the luggage of burdens and shame...

Except...  I have already said that doesn't fit me anymore.  According to God...

He himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness - by whose stripes you were healed.  1 Peter 2:24

Therefore, if anyone is new in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.  2 Corinthians 5:17

I know these things now... so when you try to hand them to me I know I don't have to carry them. 

However, I am getting ahead of myself, before the round table and the conversation... before any of this... I have been thinking about it, playing the conversations that have been had about me, on behalf of me, in defense of me... with several, but not me.  I go to sleep with a heavy heart and in my dreams my spirit is attacked, horrible dreams that I have not had in years.  The next morning, during my private time with God I fall into Psalm 91 and the promises of love...

1 He who dwells in secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  2 I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress".  My God, in him I will trust. {yes, He is my refuge, I trust Him}

5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night {are you speaking to me, because I was afraid last night, it was terror}

11 For he shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways.  12 In their hands they shall bear you up Lest you dash your foot against the stone. {He has a provision for me, He protects and sends his angels} 

14 Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him.  I will set him up on high because he has known my name.  15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him.  I will be with him in trouble....
 
My refuge, my trust, I shall not need to be afraid, He provides me safety, He loves me, He knows my name. 

And in that I find my rest...  Grace... breathe... Grace... Salt... Light.

A break, a time out... that's what's needed here, with them.

My friends... I haven't figured this out.  it's still messy and sad.  I pray about it and right now, that is all I can do.  Please hear me now, if you know the love of God, you have been covered by his Grace.  You are a new person in him and the old one has died away... don't let anyone tell you different.  Deal?!?

What do you do with anger or I guess I should say... what should I do with anger?  I am working on and through a situation with some family members and I don't quite know how to compartmentalize it.  I have had the tough conversations with them... actually once a year right around this time.  I have said that their bad behavior does not affect who I am, I will continue to be true to myself... but it is so hard. 

I don't want to be the bigger person.  I don't want to continually say... OK... yes you really worked me over last week but sure I will come and perform for you.  In fact, will be happy to participate in this dog-and-pony-show with hoops that you expect me to jump through given your whim.  

The right thing to do would be to turn the other cheek... sure... but... but... really? Again?  My face is too red and raw from the times I have been slapped and my gut... well... it just doesn't want to get punched again. 

Anger... Frustration... Hurt... Sadness...

The word I hear over and over again right now... is Grace... GRACE... a big old heaping of Grace... 

Just saying Grace makes me close my eyes and breathe.  

With prayer, in calmness, with love... my solution was to go and speak with them, face to face.  They, on the other hand, decided to share information with everyone but me... for an entire year.  Face to face works better I think.  Two hours later, no closer to a resolution than when we started.  I think it actually might be worse now...

The one thing I do know... I did the right thing by speaking with them, things came out that have needed to for thirty years.  Today I am not carrying around the weight of these bags.  I handed them back over for them to carry for awhile.  It was luggage they gave me anyway and guess what... within Christ, those bags don't fit me anymore!

I have realized that some relationships aren't good.  Sometimes you have to let it go, if you don't other behaviors can creep into your life.  Sometimes you need to free yourself from the relationship that hurts so that you can heal... so you can move on... so that you can look at yourself with the love that God sees in you. 

Grace... breathe...  Grace...