I have never done a revision before, I was finished or so I thought... posted and done. What's next? No words... I handed my notes over for my husband to read... he says to me, "That's it? Are you sure, that is not like you, it's missing something". I wonder... what, what could be missing... like cooking; like a recipe... some spice, a dash of pepper or a little salt maybe... Encouragement comes from him... or my mom. Mom calls in the morning, as usual, she tells me she liked my post, "but, there was something missing". Again, with the missing... Missing what. She analyzes me, like mom's do, she says, "I know you've been hurt, I know this situation has taken some spark". I think to myself... "Actually, my spark is just fine". Yes, maybe, it's missing something...
So, an incomplete writing is bothering me... spices... salt...
So here goes! What do you do with anger or I guess I should say... what should I do with anger? I am working on and through a situation with some family members and I don't quite know how to compartmentalize it. I have had the tough conversations with them... actually once a year right around this time. I have said that their bad behavior does not affect who I am, I will continue to be true to myself... but it is so hard.
I don't want to be the bigger person. I don't want to continually say... OK... yes you really worked me over last week but sure I will come and perform for you. In fact, will be happy to participate in this dog-and-pony-show with hoops that you expect me to jump through given your whim.
The right thing to do would be to turn the other cheek... sure... but... but... really? Again? My face is too red and raw from the times I have been slapped and my gut... well... it just doesn't want to get punched again.
Anger... Frustration... Hurt... Sadness...
The word I hear over and over again right now... is Grace... GRACE... a big old heaping of Grace...
Just saying Grace makes me close my eyes and breathe.
With prayer, in calmness, with love... my solution was to go and speak with them, face to face. They, on the other hand, decided to share information with everyone but me... for an entire year. Face to face works better I think. Two hours later, no closer to a resolution than when we started. I think it actually
might be worse now...
The one thing I do know... I did the right thing by speaking with them, things came out that have needed to for thirty years. Today I am not carrying around the weight of these bags. I handed them back over for them to carry for awhile. It was luggage they gave me anyway and guess what... within Christ, those bags don't fit me anymore!
I have realized that some relationships aren't good. Sometimes you have to let it go, if you don't other behaviors can creep into your life. Sometimes you need to free yourself from the relationship that hurts so that you can heal... so you can move on... so that you can look at yourself with the love that God sees in you.
Grace... breathe... Grace...
Salt... I forgot the salt... and the light.
Rereading everything that brought me to this place... the round table where we met, the chairs we sat in... looking across the table at each other. To them, I did not do, "apology right". I believe, they were expecting tears and a broken mess. I believe they were expecting, yes sir and no sir... of course you can hand me all this back; the luggage of burdens and shame...
Except... I have already said that doesn't fit me anymore. According to God...
He himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness - by whose stripes you were healed. 1 Peter 2:24
Therefore, if anyone is new in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17
I know these things now... so when you try to hand them to me I know I don't have to carry them.
However, I am getting ahead of myself, before the round table and the conversation... before any of this... I have been thinking about it, playing the conversations that have been had about me, on behalf of me, in defense of me... with several, but not me. I go to sleep with a heavy heart and in my dreams my spirit is attacked, horrible dreams that I have not had in years. The next morning, during my private time with God I fall into Psalm 91 and the promises of love...
1 He who dwells in secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress". My God, in him I will trust. {yes, He is my refuge, I trust Him}
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night {are you speaking to me, because I was afraid last night, it was terror}
11 For he shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. 12 In their hands they shall bear you up Lest you dash your foot against the stone. {He has a provision for me, He protects and sends his angels}
14 Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him. I will set him up on high because he has known my name. 15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble....
My refuge, my trust, I shall not need to be afraid, He provides me safety, He loves me, He knows my name.
And in that I find my rest... Grace... breathe... Grace... Salt... Light.
A break, a time out... that's what's needed here, with them.
My friends... I haven't figured this out. it's still messy and sad. I pray about it and right now, that is all I can do. Please hear me now, if you know the love of God, you have been covered by his Grace. You are a new person in him and the old one has died away... don't let anyone tell you different. Deal?!?
So, an incomplete writing is bothering me... spices... salt...
So here goes! What do you do with anger or I guess I should say... what should I do with anger? I am working on and through a situation with some family members and I don't quite know how to compartmentalize it. I have had the tough conversations with them... actually once a year right around this time. I have said that their bad behavior does not affect who I am, I will continue to be true to myself... but it is so hard.
I don't want to be the bigger person. I don't want to continually say... OK... yes you really worked me over last week but sure I will come and perform for you. In fact, will be happy to participate in this dog-and-pony-show with hoops that you expect me to jump through given your whim.
The right thing to do would be to turn the other cheek... sure... but... but... really? Again? My face is too red and raw from the times I have been slapped and my gut... well... it just doesn't want to get punched again.
Anger... Frustration... Hurt... Sadness...
The word I hear over and over again right now... is Grace... GRACE... a big old heaping of Grace...
Just saying Grace makes me close my eyes and breathe.
With prayer, in calmness, with love... my solution was to go and speak with them, face to face. They, on the other hand, decided to share information with everyone but me... for an entire year. Face to face works better I think. Two hours later, no closer to a resolution than when we started. I think it actually
might be worse now...
The one thing I do know... I did the right thing by speaking with them, things came out that have needed to for thirty years. Today I am not carrying around the weight of these bags. I handed them back over for them to carry for awhile. It was luggage they gave me anyway and guess what... within Christ, those bags don't fit me anymore!
I have realized that some relationships aren't good. Sometimes you have to let it go, if you don't other behaviors can creep into your life. Sometimes you need to free yourself from the relationship that hurts so that you can heal... so you can move on... so that you can look at yourself with the love that God sees in you.
Grace... breathe... Grace...
Salt... I forgot the salt... and the light.
Rereading everything that brought me to this place... the round table where we met, the chairs we sat in... looking across the table at each other. To them, I did not do, "apology right". I believe, they were expecting tears and a broken mess. I believe they were expecting, yes sir and no sir... of course you can hand me all this back; the luggage of burdens and shame...
Except... I have already said that doesn't fit me anymore. According to God...
He himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness - by whose stripes you were healed. 1 Peter 2:24
Therefore, if anyone is new in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17
I know these things now... so when you try to hand them to me I know I don't have to carry them.
However, I am getting ahead of myself, before the round table and the conversation... before any of this... I have been thinking about it, playing the conversations that have been had about me, on behalf of me, in defense of me... with several, but not me. I go to sleep with a heavy heart and in my dreams my spirit is attacked, horrible dreams that I have not had in years. The next morning, during my private time with God I fall into Psalm 91 and the promises of love...
1 He who dwells in secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress". My God, in him I will trust. {yes, He is my refuge, I trust Him}
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night {are you speaking to me, because I was afraid last night, it was terror}
11 For he shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. 12 In their hands they shall bear you up Lest you dash your foot against the stone. {He has a provision for me, He protects and sends his angels}
14 Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him. I will set him up on high because he has known my name. 15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble....
My refuge, my trust, I shall not need to be afraid, He provides me safety, He loves me, He knows my name.
And in that I find my rest... Grace... breathe... Grace... Salt... Light.
A break, a time out... that's what's needed here, with them.
My friends... I haven't figured this out. it's still messy and sad. I pray about it and right now, that is all I can do. Please hear me now, if you know the love of God, you have been covered by his Grace. You are a new person in him and the old one has died away... don't let anyone tell you different. Deal?!?
RSS Feed
