Internet issues; I hardly ever have internet issues.  Apparently I should be writing tonight and as the topic becomes clear the internet fritzes out.  It’s like the devil wants to silence me.  Makes me laugh, as if I could be silenced – have you met me?

Maybe if you are really close to me, you know that I am very quiet when something means a lot to me and I am insecure in the arena I am in.  So I sit and silently take it all in.  I will speak when it makes sense, my voice will be heard somehow.  I am okay with that…

It’s an interesting formation of events.  I have been working on discerning the voice of God.  How does he speak to me, how can I tell it’s him --- besides finding myself arguing with myself, that’s a key component for me, His ways seem so not like me.  Too outside of my comfort zone if you will.

Recently I felt called to do something I have never done before, with people I hadn't ever done anything like "this" with.  I sat in argument mode until I said the following sentence, out-loud to the air... "I cannot to that, people will think it's strange and dumb."  the response was simple and bold, "are you afraid they will think you are dumb or is your lack of obedience because you think it's dumb?"  my answer was both.  So... I prayed, formulated the idea and called my best girlfriends.  Girlfriends really are amazing, affirmation comes in all forms and I am so thankful for the insight.  The response from my friend was affirmation in the form of another bold sentence... "since when have any of your friends thought any of your ideas were dumb?"  Okay, lets do this...  which turned out to be a blessing on many fronts and I am so thankful that I listened, but I wonder what would have happened if I had listened sooner.

So back to my study, I need to not only discern that He speaks but I also need to be obedient and give in more freely.  In the book I am reading the author talks about Simon Peter and Jesus meeting him during a fishing day.  

Luke 5:1-3

1Now it happened that while the crowd was pressing around Him and listening to the word of God, He was standing by the lake of Gennesaret; 2and He saw two boats lying at the edge of the lake; but the fishermen had gotten out of them and were washing their nets. 3And He got into one of the boats, which was Simon's, and asked him to put out a little way from the land.
 
Jesus had two choices, there were two boats - He could have called on someone other than Simon Peter but Jesus knew his heart and He picked that moment to use him. 

I am going to confess something right now, something I struggle with.  I have an inherent desire to be seen and acknowledged.  I want to be used and recognized, I know God knows this about me and I believe he's trying to work it out in me and for me.  The "working out" moment recently happened.  During this study, a verse that was like a smack upside the head Homer Simpson-style...

James 4:4-6 (NIV)

4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God. Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? 6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

“God opposes the proud
    but shows favor to the humble.”

Simon Peter not only humbled himself before a man who was not a fisherman but a carpenter and put out with him but he also... dropped everything he was doing in obedience in that moment.  He had no idea. 

Luke 5:3-5
3And He got into one of the boats, which was Simon's, and asked him to put out a little way from the land. And He sat down and began teaching the people from the boat. 4When He had finished speaking, He said to Simon, "Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch." 5Simon answered and said, "Master, we worked hard all night and caught nothing, but I will do as You say and let down the nets."…

Do you know what happens next? 

Luke 5:6-8

6When they had done this, they enclosed a great quantity of fish, and their nets began to break; 7so they signaled to their partners in the other boat for them to come and help them. And they came and filled both of the boats, so that they began to sink. 8But when Simon Peter saw that, he fell down at Jesus' feet, saying, "Go away from me Lord, for I am a sinful man, O Lord!"…

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Then contrary to human nature... they left everything and followed him.

Luke 5:10-11
...And Jesus said to Simon, "Do not fear, from now on you will be catching men." 11When they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed Him.

I realized after reading this chapter in my study that a) I want to be in the first boat picked because God knows my heart b) I want to go and do what He's asking and then leave when He's asked me to rather than wait around and see like the world does. 

It's not an easy habit for me to be in, it' really does go against my nature...

This past week... two things happened after reading this and deciding for myself that I need to be actively planted in His truth, actively seeking His will and not my own...

The first thing was school dismissal... my son, love this bug... comes out of his classroom, so happy... holding a green sheet of paper.  He says, "Mom, can we do this together?"  The first thing I thought was, the last time he asked me to do something with him I ended up with a broken ankle... and the second thing was, ok... can I really do this while still mending...

The next thing to happen, again involved my son... and my husband this time.  Our daughter was spending so much needed time alone with her grammy and we had our son at home.  He wanted to bike ride so bad and it was such a pretty day.  My dear hubbie was going to take him but had to do something first... as projects go with the love of my life, they aren't usually quick and easy... so my son waited not so patiently for Daddy to get done... I found myself after my husband to put down his project and take this moment, the project would still be there... but moments with our son wouldn't be... I sat down to work on my own project grumbling about my husband's misplaced priorities until the stirring in my heart said Mommy was just as bad.  We set out, son and mom - project on hold and I walked farther than I have had in a while and it felt good.  We saw birds nests, we speculated along the trail as to "what is living in the holes".  We worked on turning around in his bike and though he was apprehensive to make the u-turns, by the end of the ride he was coming back to ride beside me for a time...  during one of our stops we found this flower... and looked at how pretty it was among the weeds... a great walk and one I almost missed.

I cannot help but wonder how many times I have missed the boat and the subsequent lesson or the teachable moment which would make me ultimately a better person.  I am thankful that God loves me and is patient with my narrow view finder.

My prayer is that I will look for more ways to quiet the rush, to lay some projects aside so the yes can come more freely.

This morning brought much needed quiet time... Stopped for coffee and proceeded to run some errands. Had a wonderful trip to Lowes, Target and Ace Hardware.

The kids stayed home. Happily snuggled on the couch, arguing about which Saturday morning cartoon they were going to watch next.

At Lowe's while in line to pay I watched this elderly couple. They were ahead of me buying tile older people buy... The kind of wood looking linoleum that is sold in boxes of 20.

He must have been handsome in his youth. He was also a former service man. The hat he was wearing commanded respect and told of his service. He was rugged man. He was certainly intent on counting his tiles. I could just see his vision for today's project. His wife on the other hand was concerned for my time... Called me a young lady and wanted to make sure I didn't have to wait on them. I was unusually content to watch this interaction... I also thought to myself... So shopping at the big box tool super store will never get easier with my husband.

At that moment another cashier came to get me and then I was on my way.

Outside the store, walking to the car I was still musing over this couple and making up their life story... It was really romantic.

I bumped into them again, parked next to me. She "helping" him load the truck bed with their tile. Her "helping" amounted to moving it from the cart basket to the cart seat and straightening it for him to put into the truck. She was really good too, that was until she received a phone call.

Who knows who was on the other end but she was super excited to hear from them. I could tell from her hand gestures that she was explaining to the person on the other line what they'd be doing that afternoon. As she dived into her rendition of the project she lost all the focus she had on helping and walked away with the cart... Barely signaling her husband.

I sat there and watched them for quite sometime. I wanted to know more.

I wanted to know their story. The "before time forgot" stuff... How they met, and what kept them together? How did he serve our country and in turn how she kept the home fires burning? Is there a shoe box of letters in her closet he wrote to her when he was gone, tied with a red ribbon and does he still have the picture of her he kept with him in his helmet? What years were the hardest and what years were the best? Do they still hold hands and laugh with each other every day?

I count it a blessing that my marriage doesn't know the struggle of distance and hard times. It doesn't know the worry of waiting. In considering our own struggles I think of the best years and the worst years. The years of sorrow and the years of joy. I think of the commitment two silly young kids made in a garden with their family and friends - not truely understanding what for better or worse meant. Or that there would really be an in sickness in between the health. That marriage every day takes work and a renewed promise to love each other a little more than yesterday - even when today takes a bit more effort.

I really don't know this old couples story... I may have made it completely up... I did look at them and smile at the thought of the lifetime they must have had together and count myself as blessed.

I am thankful for the man God brought into my life. I am thankful for every wonderful day as well as rotten ones too. I am thankful for every joyful occasion and every tough situation. He truely is the person I hope to grow old with.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for this morning... The fall weather that's daring to come in. I thank you for some quiet time and peopl watching. I thank you for this couple you placed in my path this morning. I thank you for the reminder to be grateful for the man you placed in my life 16 years ago. Lord watch over and protect us as we guard our hearts and minds. Lord help us to seek ways to serve you, each other and others. Give us the boldness to be obedient in all things. In your Sons name I pray... Amen

A hurricane in the desert… who knew?

As a family we decided to get rid of cable and we only have the various streaming options for TV and Movies, which means we do not have access to news which is a total blessing unless you have to check the Doppler to see where the storm is.  I feel ill-prepared for storm-ageddon which is causing a bit of frenzy as we wait.  

All social media feeds and text weather warnings are preparing for the coming doom.  Stay out of washes and find a place where you can get your sand-bags.  The stores are out of candles and bottled water.  
 
The sky is overcast and a light gray, the rains from heaven trickle down in a light sprinkle… schools have closed or reduced their programs, buses are running on a limited schedule as we sit and wait for the storm which will likely hit this evening and into tomorrow.  

Waiting for the storm with our eyes looking up… how often do we do this; Life stopping for a moment to look around and wait? 
 
I have made sure I know where our candles are.  I made sure we have bottled water and for-sure, as parents, we have everything we need to bandage up skin and take care of wounds.  Aside from feeling a little ill-prepared… 
 
There is no frenzy or fear here. We do not live in a state of fear.  We have promises which we rest on, regardless of the storm… whether raining down from Heaven and blowing in from the south or the battles in life we face we have no fear. 

For God is with us.

Isaiah 25:4 For You have been a defense for the helpless, A defense for the needy in distress, A refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat; For the breath of the ruthless is like a rain storm against a wall. 

God is our hiding place.

Isaiah 32:2 Each will be like a refuge from the wind and a shelter from the storm, like streams of water in a dry country, like the shade of a huge rock in a parched land.

God calms the storms of this life.

Psalms 107:29 He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed.

Matthew 8:26 He said to them, "Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?"  Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it became perfectly calm.

We gave way to it and let ourselves be driven along.
 
I love the comfort in that verse.  It settles my heart. 

Let the storm come, we'll be nestled inside being driven along.  
 
It settles me as we look up and wait for the storm that will surly come...

With God there is no fear!
 
Dear Heavenly Father,  as we face the storms of this life, help us to remember to look up.  To rest on your promises which are found in your word.  Lord, steady our seas when it gets to rough.  Help us to remember you are our constant comfort and refuge.  Thank you for your provision ahead of these storms.  Thank you for your love and the reminder that within you there is no fear. 

Amen

Arguing again with Him in the shower.  It happens so naturally, I don't realize it until He asks me a question I cannot answer... and then, that's when - I realize I am convicted.  

Happens, almost all the time that exact way.  

A couple of weeks ago during a message in church it was said that "we" wait on the Lord to pull out his works for us.  "We" wait on what he can do for us... if only He gives us the new job, or the promotion, or raise.  If we can just finally afford the new house.  If He will bring me someone who will spend their lives with me and end my loneliness.  If He would just open my womb and give me the child I have been longing for or for the adoption to go through... when in fact we need to follow him, go blindly into Him because HE already gave us everything.  He bridged the gap between me apart from God and all of eternity when He died on the cross for my sins.  

I don't know if that was word for word, that is what I got out of it... which caused me to wonder.   

From that sermon I had to search my heart.  Where was my faith born?  Was it born because he blessed me and answered a prayer or was it always there counted on because he was the Almighty which I had known?

I had promised Him... Just like Hannah... 1 Samuel 1:10-12

     10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. 
     11 And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on  
     your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but  
     give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, 
     and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

So much of my infertility battle was focused in prayer.  So much of it some days felt like a barter... Lord, I know you alone can make this happen... Before each doctor appointment.  Lord, I know you can fix this... Before each scan of my empty womb.  Lord, I know you can give me a child... Before each negative pregnancy test.  I didn't yet know about his will... I didn't fully understood about his timing... every new month was a missed moment, a lost baby and the hope dwindled.  Lord, this time... Lord, If only... Lord, let's get this disappointment over with... 

Finally my "miracle" before the real miracle... "Emma", the tiny little girl who left us at 8 weeks and 6 days... on the morning of surgery to take her lifeless body from me - with every fiber of my being telling God I was letting go of this desire because I couldn't go on anymore... I couldn't do this anymore.  No more tests, no more false positives.  No more years dedicated to waiting.  He needed to show me it was going to happen or take the desire from me.  Then, the still soft voice.  "You will have three children".  His promise wasn't over... 

He knew what he was doing. I chased hard after that promise and I didn't even know what I was chasing... a baby, surely not two... but I chased them.  The promise from the prayer. 

Reading the Circle Maker by Mark Batterson he drew a parallel to the parable of the persistent widow.  

    Luke 18:1-8
    18 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should     
    always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a    
    judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there 
    was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me 
    justice against my adversary.’

    4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I 
    don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps 
    bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t 
    eventually come and attack me!’”

    6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not 
    God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and 
    night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get 
    justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Mancomes, will he find faith  
    on the earth?”

An excerpt from Mark Batterson's book says, "Does the Judge know how desperate you are for the miracle?  Desperate enough to pray through the night? How many times are you willing to circle the promise?  Until the day you die?  How long and loud will you knock on the door of opportunity? Until you knock the door down? If you aren't desperate you will not take desperate measures.  And if you don't pray like it depends on God, the biggest miracles and best promises will remain out of your prayer reach.  But if you learn how to pray hard, like the persistent widow, God will honor your bold prayers because your bold prayers honor God."

In the shower, facing a D&C with a dream that wasn't realized in that sweet baby girl... I had come to God because only God could take care of this need... if I would keep the desire to have children or if he would rid me of it... and bottom line, I couldn't take anymore waiting.  My limit was met and I met God there.

Reading these paragraphs in The Circle Maker, reading about the persistent widow just a week after that Sunday sermon I realized my faith was not born the day God spoke to me in the shower.  It wasn't born December 17, 2006 when the negative pregnancy test wasn't negative in the middle of the night... rather two very pink double lines...  My faith was born earlier in my life... it was, however, strengthened during the infertility, miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy... it continues to be strengthened ever since... with every miracle, big or small... painful or joyful...  God is good in all circumstances.

Not a week goes by when I cannot count myself as blessed in this life for how much God loves me.  I know he listens, I know he answers... I know the waiting is painful, it's hard to maintain hope... it's hard... and I know the blessings sometimes take time to see...  

However, I am continually reminded that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Milestones…

There will only ever be one of these days!

We’d been asking him for almost a year to take his training-wheels off, he hasn’t needed them for quite some time but he was never ready.  

His bestest buddies had been riding sans training wheels for almost two years but not my boy and he wasn’t the least bit bothered by it either.

My goal this summer was to make sure he rode enough to gain confidence in his abilities and hopefully take them off; however, my accident on vacation slowed those plans down.  Sometimes, there’s a perfect day and September 9, 2014 was evidently the day.

Home from school, on a day daddy had off – father announced to son, “Let’s take the training wheels off today!” and son agreed.   Hand in little hand they
walked out the front door with a red tool box, wheeled the bike up the front
sidewalk and my son, my son... took his own training wheels off. Discarded reminders of the small, wobbly boy he used to be.
 
The moments we captured are priceless… heartwarming and devastating (for this mommy) all at once.  These are life moments… another reminder they will never be as little as they once were, need you as much as they once did… and how quickly we're racing to the next moment.

I see a new confidence in this smile, pride in his accomplishments... he's so happy his daddy's with him; sharing this moment together. 

A smile so wide the setting sun's shadow cannot cast it out.  


Looking at this picture I feel nothing but beaming love and pride for my boy... a big boy decision to grow up a little today.  Just ready for the unknown... scratches, bruises and bumps that are surely in the future.  I hope he watches for cars and stays out of the street... while he's racing with his friends... getting a head of myself!  He cannot go outside with out us now. 

We all turned outside for this moment.  Sister is cheering him on...  Daddy not quite letting him go, still holding on.

Still holding on... isn't that a sentence - how we hold on to these moments, just a bit afraid to let go... and my son in quiet determination to peddle and stay up.  

A sunny September day... a photo of a moment captured in time where our boy grew up a bit...

The push off and looking ahead.  He's not teetering anymore, he's straight and firmly on the path.  He's going to do it... 

And all this momma sees when she looks at these pictures is the two babies on oxygen in the NICU.  The son we had to leave behind a little longer because he needed more help.  The little boy who fought small health scare after small health scare.  

I see the boy who wrapped his fingers in my hair and said I love you momma... the boy who learned how to crawl, then make his way to standing by lifting his little body to the couch... I see two toddlers in high chairs giggling and shaking their heads from left to right, a sort of game that made us laugh!  

I see all seven years of his little life... I am so proud and sad... these years, they just go too fast... he's racing towards his future and I can't keep up...  I will be cheering him on every step of the way... and when the bruises and bumps happen - I will be there to pick him up and help him get sturdy again as he gets back on the bike.

I am not sure what time it started... but at 6 am when my phone sounded with this morning's wake up call the sound of rain drops and rolling thunder in the distance made me smile.  A rainy Monday. 

I am thankful I made coffee last night and packed the kids lunch boxes so I could snuggle in and enjoy sound for a few more minutes... the house was quite.

It does rain in the desert, contrary to what the harsh unforgiving landscape says... but it doesn't usually rain like its been today.  Steady for more than 6 hours followed by bursts of waterfall moments. 

I've taken breaks to look out the back window, a river runs through it... 

As it died down about an hour ago a decided a walk was needed... barefoot.  I stood in puddles in the street... I walked down the side walk to the creek  which divides the neighborhood and found it flowing bank to bank. 

These are the days... there is a chill in the air, which will only hang around for a  moment... Long enough though to yearn for fall...

In this moment, tasks have taken a back seat, the to-do list is still there... it will be waiting for sure... but sometimes you just have to marvel in it all... to stand in the puddles to walk bear feet in the dirt, to find hidden treasures along your path... 

But I cannot help myself...   On days like this the desert is a little more bearable.  The smells of the trees and bushes wet with rain... renewing the landscape.

Sometimes you have to get off the path... a very wise, strong little girl said that to her momma recently and in this season it's sort of stuck with me...

You  cannot always take the easy path... or you'll miss some good stuff along the way...  Like the water beyond the weeds.

Titus 3:5 Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his  mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Spirit.

School has just let out and with the doors and windows open wide I hear the joyful noise of children running to the wash... no doubt jumping in puddles too.  Cut through the silence of the street I just walked down.  No doubt they will miss the random beauty I came across and for sure they're not seeking a deeper meaning...

I am not angry anymore, nor am I hurt or sad. I mostly feel sorry.

This thing has been festering for months, expectations were never met and the accusations were tough. The bottom line was always, "They just don't get it." And at some point I realized that it's not me, it's them - They just don't get it! No time spent was ever enough, no conversation today could make up for a missed one yesterday. No sacrifice on my behalf for them would make them feel loved because there was always something more I needed to do; hoops to jump through - and I realized it's impossible to live a life I can be proud of trapped in the confines of someone else's expectation. I also realized I don't want my kids to see that kind of expectation, that's not love and it's sure not family... But sometimes that's what family turns into.. And the guilt follows. Oh the guilt...

So exhausting... a revolution on the time wheel which repeats history. These struggles we have with these people can almost be measured on a calendar... As we get closer to specific dates the struggles begin all over again.

But guess what?!? I can only do what I can do.

I am sad, for them.

It's been a while since we've spoke, it's easier sometimes to just remove from a situation like this.

You've read before the things I write regarding the Spirit, the still soft voice which speaks directly to your heart. And when you've asked for direction and clarity... And it comes in the format you weren't expecting... His direction is sometimes hard to take.

I really feel like they will never understand the reasons why we have decided on the life we have. They don't understand the choices we have made as a family for kids and each other. There is a spiritual war that is waged on us daily that we have to defend.... And defend we will.

So. When the Spirit wants me to reach out against ALL my better judgement and asks me to invite the hardest to communicate with to coffee... I do the very thing I can do to preserve myself and I ignore it. The nudging within my being only gets louder. Still ignored...

For weeks... Ignored...

I've listened to other promptings this week with good results... So I cave in and I do not call for the coffee date instead I seek the conversation a little less scary and it goes well. I am not entirely covinced a coffee date would be a good idea. Even still, I know I don't go in alone... I know God goes before me in all things, He knows I struggle here. I did choose today to bridge a gap and reach out with some fresh almost-from-scratch chocolate chip cookies. I delivered them...

Today's sermon at church was on not conforming to the ideals, things and molds of this world in this time. There are too many ways to stray away from God and among the many take aways from today's message was the thought to ask first, "is this Godly" and "does this follow God's instruction manual?" .

I can share that I am glad I went to see them. I am glad I hugged them and extended an offering, crossing the really rugged terrain of minefields we left the last time we came together.

This time I wasn't heated with anger and sadness, I didn't let sin get the upper hand. I came to be who I am when I am not backed into a corner fighting for the foundation of my spirit like last time. I spoke differently and while there were severe disappointments this time, while there was still the cutting comments, I left with a sadness for them rather than hurt for myself.

They lined my kids pockets with money and things... They were pleased when my son asked if they were rich... When in fact this just showed me again where they place their priorities. We don't love with things or money, period.

We love because He first loved us - and that's all there is to it.

I will wait for the coffee prompting again, j will likely follow that lead.. And in the meantime I will pray.

It's true what is said, "you cannot pick your family", for sure these were placed in my life for a reason. I know they have helped form the person I am, during the good and bad times; while I don't yet know where we will go from here... I know all things are possible through God who stengethens me... Which means I get to hope.