Arguing again with Him in the shower. It happens so naturally, I don't realize it until He asks me a question I cannot answer... and then, that's when - I realize I am convicted.
Happens, almost all the time that exact way.
A couple of weeks ago during a message in church it was said that "we" wait on the Lord to pull out his works for us. "We" wait on what he can do for us... if only He gives us the new job, or the promotion, or raise. If we can just finally afford the new house. If He will bring me someone who will spend their lives with me and end my loneliness. If He would just open my womb and give me the child I have been longing for or for the adoption to go through... when in fact we need to follow him, go blindly into Him because HE already gave us everything. He bridged the gap between me apart from God and all of eternity when He died on the cross for my sins.
I don't know if that was word for word, that is what I got out of it... which caused me to wonder.
From that sermon I had to search my heart. Where was my faith born? Was it born because he blessed me and answered a prayer or was it always there counted on because he was the Almighty which I had known?
I had promised Him... Just like Hannah... 1 Samuel 1:10-12
10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly.
11 And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on
your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but
give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life,
and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
So much of my infertility battle was focused in prayer. So much of it some days felt like a barter... Lord, I know you alone can make this happen... Before each doctor appointment. Lord, I know you can fix this... Before each scan of my empty womb. Lord, I know you can give me a child... Before each negative pregnancy test. I didn't yet know about his will... I didn't fully understood about his timing... every new month was a missed moment, a lost baby and the hope dwindled. Lord, this time... Lord, If only... Lord, let's get this disappointment over with...
Finally my "miracle" before the real miracle... "Emma", the tiny little girl who left us at 8 weeks and 6 days... on the morning of surgery to take her lifeless body from me - with every fiber of my being telling God I was letting go of this desire because I couldn't go on anymore... I couldn't do this anymore. No more tests, no more false positives. No more years dedicated to waiting. He needed to show me it was going to happen or take the desire from me. Then, the still soft voice. "You will have three children". His promise wasn't over...
He knew what he was doing. I chased hard after that promise and I didn't even know what I was chasing... a baby, surely not two... but I chased them. The promise from the prayer.
Reading the Circle Maker by Mark Batterson he drew a parallel to the parable of the persistent widow.
Luke 18:1-8
18 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should
always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a
judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there
was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me
justice against my adversary.’
4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I
don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps
bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t
eventually come and attack me!’”
6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not
God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and
night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get
justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Mancomes, will he find faith
on the earth?”
An excerpt from Mark Batterson's book says, "Does the Judge know how desperate you are for the miracle? Desperate enough to pray through the night? How many times are you willing to circle the promise? Until the day you die? How long and loud will you knock on the door of opportunity? Until you knock the door down? If you aren't desperate you will not take desperate measures. And if you don't pray like it depends on God, the biggest miracles and best promises will remain out of your prayer reach. But if you learn how to pray hard, like the persistent widow, God will honor your bold prayers because your bold prayers honor God."
In the shower, facing a D&C with a dream that wasn't realized in that sweet baby girl... I had come to God because only God could take care of this need... if I would keep the desire to have children or if he would rid me of it... and bottom line, I couldn't take anymore waiting. My limit was met and I met God there.
Reading these paragraphs in The Circle Maker, reading about the persistent widow just a week after that Sunday sermon I realized my faith was not born the day God spoke to me in the shower. It wasn't born December 17, 2006 when the negative pregnancy test wasn't negative in the middle of the night... rather two very pink double lines... My faith was born earlier in my life... it was, however, strengthened during the infertility, miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy... it continues to be strengthened ever since... with every miracle, big or small... painful or joyful... God is good in all circumstances.
Not a week goes by when I cannot count myself as blessed in this life for how much God loves me. I know he listens, I know he answers... I know the waiting is painful, it's hard to maintain hope... it's hard... and I know the blessings sometimes take time to see...
However, I am continually reminded that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
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Me:i am a Jesus follower. i am a wife, mother, home-maker and event planner. life is crazy most of the time but i wouldn't trade one minute. Categories
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