And without much pomp and circumstance the training wheels came off!

The older brother helped the little sister take off the hardware. She was ready.... Again, this mommy wasn't. I am not entirely sure the daddy was ready either.

She was still so wobbly, she rides looking at her feet and let's face it, out of all of us she tends to be more clumsy (says the mommy who broke her ankle on a kiddie slide).

Typing that last sentence I flash-forward to the day I will recall this moment. My clumsy, unsure, uneasy daughter will stand before us grown up and graceful, long gone the little girl missing her front teeth. My heart mourns now before it's time.

She wandered out of the house, with her bike. She didn't ask for help, she always asks for help. She put on her helmet, the "right way" she said and handed me the buckles under her chin to fasten it.

"Come-on mom..." But I don't want to. My little girl... Home from the hospital first. Crawled first, who has been a spunky little fighter since day one.

The video rolling... Pink helmet, strawberry shortcake bike... A little wobbly... Some quick peddles and she was off. Her daddy strolling behind and brother riding along side... Both boys giving pep-talks, pointers and tips.  Her only fall was slowly into the bushes and never again., 

I am tired. My joints ache, every.single.one of them... I don't know what it feels like to be 40-something but I feel so much older than my 30-something.



As I have raced around tonight, all week really. I cannot help but think "people" weren't meant to be this busy. Our calendars shouldn't have dot on top of dot, filling in the hours of a day. It's just all too much.



I had a conversation with a dear friend yesterday who broke down regarding schedules and time. Longing for a quiet moment to have the conversations that matter. Longing to be front and center, aligned with God's intention for our lives.



I have been thinking about this a lot... Last weekend was back to back, non-stop, on the go and it continues. I suppose we could say this is just a season, but is it?   I have to ask myself, passing my hubbie in the hallway as he starts his grave-yard shift for the week.



This can't be what life is supposed to be, I woke up thinking as I reached for my smart phone to see what I missed in the last 6 hours while I slept and Facebook still updated status.



I am realizing that my schedule has changed since I regained the ability to walk after the broken ankle and surgery that laid me up this summer.



Sometimes the schedule has to just halt, that's what I told my friend. Thinking now, it can halt voluntarily or because you break a bone and you physically cannot schedule anything.



Another friend tells me that one particular day a week she stays home and catches up on the house, on her hubbie and her kids. A scheduled mental health day. I like that... A day to regroup and set things right.



So between the over scheduled life and the scheduled day of rest I realize...



Even God rested! The Father of the universe who gave birth to light and dark, who formed the oceans and land. Who created every living animal and plant... Even He took His days to build his master plan... And on the seventh day He looked around, admired all He had done and then He rested.



God doesn't need to rest... Does that strike you as interesting? He's telling us to take a moment and look around at all He has done for us, praise Him and enjoy it. Enjoy this family He gave us to raise. Enjoy the spouse He have you to walk next to in life or to enjoy the people He gave you, who fill this season.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.

Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. (‭Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭1-3‬ NIV)

So. While I am getting back into the swing of things. While the dots are just starting to appear I remember, I am the one who controls the decision to say yes and fill up slots hour by hour. Choosing differently in this season in my life... More no's and only the yes's that matter.

What will you say no to today?

As I worked busily around the house this morning filling up the dish washer, adding a load of laundry into the wash. As I sent my kids off to school, I noticed my front porch plants drooping a little.   A mental note was taken to water them, the same mental note I made yesterday and I think, the day before.

This morning during prayer time I prayed for me. I prayed for forgiveness of the things I do which are sinful. I hang my head in shame for a moment typing that, except that I am the daughter of a King who died for those sins. One of his scars was that moment I just lived in sin though. I am covered. I continued in prayer for my career path, what that looks like... Dare I hope or to dream for something else? Something a bit bigger than I could do on my own. Those are the desires if my heart. I prayed for my mouth, to use my voice to encourage, heal and uplift - not only those who are in my circles outside but also targeted inside my home. I give and I give to those around and outside, I sometimes forget to save a little for the people within.

It was a good prayer time.

Dishes are being cleaned, the laundry is is turning - taking a mental note of the sounds in the house.   I remember then the droopy plants. I can fill up the watering can for them, I have a few minutes. Parched and thirsty. I feel parched and thirsty. I am also worn and tired.

On my way out back to get the can I see my beautiful marigolds which sit at the base of my lemon tree, so pretty... One flower had gone to seed so I pluck it off and I carry it in the palm of my hand with me.

I have grown my marigolds from seed since the first time I bought a plant from from the nursery down the way. Since then I do the same, I pluck off the seeds and find pots and places in my yard to sprinkle them. I place them in good soil, cover them over and then water. Doing this for so long it's like second nature to me. I will do this and forget them until that moment I walk by and there is a tiny green sprout with two leaves still stuck to the stalk like a cup. Gardening faith... My excitement and joy to see the sprout.

Reflecting on my prayer time... Considering picking back up the worry I gave to Him only a few moments ago I tell myself... If you can take a seed from a flower that died, stick it in soil, cover it and water it only to walk away in faith that it will grow; then why can't I do the same with my prayer.

I know He hears our prayers my friends. I know every prayer considered, meditated on and then lifted up in faith to Him is answered. Covered over and cultivated until His time for it to sprout.

My heart is joyful and I am at peace.

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truely I tell you, if you have faith as as small as a mustard seed, you can say mountain, "Mountain move from here to there,' and I will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

My daughter may be as impatient as I am, don't tell anyone I just said that...  I will deny it!  What, I put it in writing?  Nonsense, it just makes a good first sentence. 

At what age do you suppose you have to hold yourself accountable to your children?  When do you think they realize you've let them down?  What is important to them? 

And what to do with the overwhelming feeling you let them down daily?

I will admit, we'd been dragging our feet with extracurricular activities.  Each of the kids have one thing they want to do... Soccer for the boy and gymnastics for the girl.  The daddy and I know both activities require our time, which is in short supply these days.  We'd agreed as a family that we need to do one activity at a time and they could both be in it or we'd take turns.  As it happened, the boy got to go first.  We fell nicely into youth soccer in the summer and it was amazing, our son was just good at it. 

We also enjoyed, dare I say it?  We enjoyed being soccer parents, to see our son really work through fears while having fun along the way.  We're so proud of him.

The gymnastics thing I just can't be enthusiastic about.  I am afraid for her and I worry about other things that come along with performance for girls in an activity like that.  It's a total double standard, I know and I promise you, I am working on it. 

Meanwhile a couple Saturday's ago, we had plans to head to the pumpkin patch after a group study I had.  Our study ran long, while I was aware I needed to get home, I did not consider the worry that was going on within my daughter.  She knew we had a short window of time to head out before daddy's shift at work started and as the minutes ticked past on the clock she new she might be headed for disappointment. 

When I got home I heard just how bad it was as the hubbie debriefed on the state of the household since I had been away.  Then the guilt comes and the questioning follows. 

I wonder how many times have I let her down?  How many times has she been disappointed because I wasn't watching the time, making sure I have enough hours in my day to play with them or just plain have my priorities in the wrong place?

It's those moments where I just want to pick them up and say mommy is so sorry.  Mommy will do better... and I can try but really...  when something else comes up, when I can't just break-away...  I know that creates anxiety for our daughter. 

I need to be aware. I need to see them together and individually.  I need to live in the moments we are in and not live for the moments that are manufactured to be "family" moments.

So the changes I am making... while seeking my own quiet time with God to hear his voice.  I share this time first with my daughter and then with my son.  Each have their own books, each are craving my ear and at the same time, learning how have time with God - this mommy's heart is happy.

I've also made an appointment... for my daughter - to take gymnastics.  She heard me on the phone... her excitement! I can hardly contain for myself. 

It's hard learning these lessons.  Harder still to make choices to cut out things I'd like to do in order to make time for them... hardest of all, I think, would be to look back and think, "I wish I had been in their lives more..."  

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you Father, for seeing me.  Being the ultimate parent that you are you and knowing exactly what I need, what we all need.  Thank you for quietly giving me moments with my kids to actively see them and hear their hearts.  Thank you for allowing me to see their excitement and to hear their thoughts.  Thank you for blessing me beyond measure with these two beautiful children and this wonderful life.  Lord, I thank you for all of these moments... all of these things. Please help me to continually seek you and your will, help me to keep listening to these babes you entrusted to me.  I pray we honor you and each other with every breath. All of these things I ask in your holy name.  Amen. 

I heard it once said, that like Moses who had to go back to Egypt to the place where he sinned and killed a man we too must go back to the place it began; that is our redemptive place.

Wow!

Redeemed... What does that mean? Two definitions I found, one is my favorite but if you look carefully at them I wonder if it's happenstance that one precedes two?

noun

1. an act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake, or thestate of being redeemed.

2. deliverance; rescue.

It seems to me that you cannot get to the second without the first, at least according to my belief. I for one am so thankful for that rescue, that great rescue.

I am up late tonight preparing my household for a trip, my children will go one way this weekend and it will go another while my dear husband supports all of our dreams over the night shift. Laundry, dishes... Toothbrushes... Pack the suit cases, theirs first of course - the blankie and the snuggle toys. Settling in this late at night or rather the wee hours of the morning I am caught reflecting on this redemptive trip... Going to see my friend in Utah where my ankle broke and I had to cut out time short...

Redemptive places made me think about Moses and the redeeming plan God had in mind for him but first he had to go back to Egypt.

My redemption story will not be posted online. I am not ashamed of it, rather it's not where I want my children reading it. There is value in my story and while I wish it was different and maybe made 20 or so different choices than I did - it's still all lessons learned that I for one, hope my daughter in particular, can learn from.

I can say for certain I am not the same person I used to be... Or for that matter, I am not the same person I was last year. His words reflect on my heart and sink into my being so much so that I want more. I want more of Christ in everything I do.

I still fail daily. I fail with my husband, with the way I speak to him. I am not careful with my words and rather than build him up, I get into the habit of tearing him down. I fail with my kids, so frustrated in certain behaviors that drive me crazy I fail some days to tell them how thankful I am for all the wonderful things they do... I fail at forgiveness when I have been wronged... But I digress.

This week I have wrestled internally, I have wondered aloud. This week I have sought council from the left and from the right but staying focused above was difficult.

Have you ever been so conflicted that your own process turns you inside out? That any step forward is halted... Halted because you cannot make up your mind? Well that was me.

Bread crumbs were left for me though. God, for sure saw my struggle and as I read in scripture this week, as I prayed and recorded my thoughts I found his word.

Build on the rock.

"Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wiseman who built his house on a rock; "and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on the house and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock."   Matthew 7:28

I want to be built on the rock... I want to be solidly in a place where my question goes straight to Him. I want to realize the person He made me to be through my past is good and worthy to be used. I want to love on others, without question because scripture tells me that God knows my heart, He knows me so intimately and He is there to walk beside me. Easy things to say this side of my week.

There is another half to that Matthew verse... The one not on solid ground.

"But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: "and the rain descended, the floods came and the winds beat on the house; and it fell. And it was a great fall. Matthew 26-27

The words... It was a great fall... Mentally I see this house on shaky ground, sliding... And it fell, in my mind - so final and it was a great fall - painful. Apart from the good solid ground of Jesus. Breaks my heart.

Nope! This girl... As broken and afraid as I have been at times. As angry and ugly as I can get some days... This girl seeks forgiveness daily. I think about the stepping stones of my faith which have lead me to where I am now and I am so grateful for God's great love for me. I am thankful I am not the girl I used to be and I am humbled that He contiues to shake from me that which does not belong in me.

This girl has gone back to her redemptive place and made peace with who I used to be. I have reconciled to myself that all the things I have done and have been through turn me into a story which will help someone, someday.   I can only work everyday to point myself to the foot of the cross and wait on Him.

My prayer tonight my dear friends is this...

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for for this day! I thank you for the beauty around me, for all the wonderful things you have made. I thank you for your redemptive love, that you look at me everyday as a daughter you love. I am thankful you shake out of me that which does not belong. I pray Lord that you help me refocus my mind daily, hourly, by the minute to be a girl who chases hard after you. I want others to know there is nothing wrong with who they were before you... Because your death on the cross, your resurrection three days later was for and covered all our sin.. Covers those mistakes we made... Not because of ourselves but our grace alone. I pray tonight to become more like you Lord. All of these things I ask in your Sons Holy name. Amen.

And the toys that haven't seen the light of day in years have come out to play. The dollhouse that was high on the Christmas list a few years ago sits waiting in a pile for the yard sale; it too is out being played with. Pieces of the house and it's occupants, pieces of blocks and other random toys have found a play date with a small little blond headed little boy!

He managed to upturn his toy bag in the middle of the living room or when he swooshed and everything in the play kitchen is now on the tile floor.

The kids thought he was fun and cute before school but after, when more time elapsed and they couldn't keep up with his shenanigans they let us know under no certain circumstances will they let us have another baby, as if that idea wasn't fully put to rest already.

A full day later and this blond headed spunky child not only melts hearts with a smile or attempt at a new word, especially my name, but also draws eye rolls from my kids... They don't understand how one boy can be such a handful. They won't admit it now but life will be very lonely when he leaves us tomorrow.

Still this mom... Not silently wishing for number three rather just misses her own babies at two years of age. The sweet toys, the over sized blocks in the chubby fingers. The doll house that has the mommy, the grammy, daddy and baby... And nothing is wearing a bikini or stiletto heel. No nunchucks or throwing-star turtles and I doubt the small boy knows who General Grievous is.

This mommy loves this blood headed little boy's favorite lovey - a brown toy monkey and the ooo-ooo-ah-ah sound he makes.    I remember not so long ago when my own boy coveted his Tow-Mater 18 wheeler and wouldn't let it out of his tiny hand. I asked my son where that toy is now, he knew exactly.

Bath time was nice, mine take their own baths now except baths have been exchanged for showers. We don't lather their baby skin with sleepy time lotion and I didn't realize I missed it.

The years just go so fast.

When the house is quiet later I may pull out my own kids baby pictures and remember their moments. The first time she crawled to fetch a book or the first time he said his sisters name. I may write them a letter to them know how much I love and appreciate them; how much I loved every moment of them growing up an how I am looking forward to every moment more.

And as this boy runs around the house on a mission only his brain knows, while my children give chase... I will silently say a prayer and thank God for the blessings children in life bring.

I am... quite literally sitting here dumb founded.  Just dumb founded. 

When I woke up this morning I had no idea how impactful the verse I posted this morning would be by the end of the day. 

At a complete loss for words, did I already say dumb founded?

Fortuitous possibly...  God preparing my heart and giving me an explanation for the evening visit?  I have no idea.  I am however grateful.  Grateful that He can say to this fearful heart, you don't have to understand.  His ways indeed are not my ways.  His ways also surpass all expectation.

It began with a snub and I wont get into all the dirty laundry or how the chain of events progressed but it began with a snub, which ushered in a two year family feud.  Only there were at least half of us who weren't aware there was a family issue brewing until June of this year...  a full year an a half we've been living life almost without a clue that there was a bigger swell coming. 

Likening it to the peaceful eye of the storm for a year and a half.... I still don't understand it fully. 

I will say expectation is a mighty dangerous word which leads down the path to presumption.  The expectation that we should be spending out time doing what others expect and when those expectations aren't met, can't possibly be met there is the presumption that we do not love, we do not care...

As that presumption gives way to speculation the enemy weasels his way in, first to the mind as wonder, worry and concern give way to insecurities.  Those insecurities hurt the heart and begin to chip away at a foundation of love long ago laid. There's suddenly nothing anyone can say or do to make the situation right.  That's the reality we've lived in. 

The politeness crosses over into accusations and hateful words.  Evil seeping into every word until the apologies which should have made it better cannot even work themselves from lips to ears.  

I wonder if that's where, "From your lips to God's ears comes from?" 

Please don't misunderstand, I am not without blame.  I do come from a long line of "yellers".  Where talking it out crosses over into a new range of loud.  Not very Christianly, I know... I am aware and it's a habit I am trying very hard to break...

I will say though, that it got so bad only an act of God could put it back together.  I prayed over the situation, others prayed over the situation.  I prayed for and to God for a delivery through and out of this situation and because it was as bad as it was... I could only lift up in prayer every ounce of love I still had for these people and leave it there. 

Prayer is mighty... mighty... mighty...  I made a decision completely out of character for me.  I stopped speaking about it.  I stopped engaging.  I didn't call back when confronted.  I kept in prayer.  As the verbal accusations continued to come, almost every other day and intensified this week... I remained silent when everything in me begged to call and stand up for myself and my family...  That is my nature. 

Instead another bible verse continued to come to mind...

I am keenly aware I have to guard myself at all times, especially when the world wants to look at me, a Christian, and wait... wait for the slip up... wait for something contrary to those things we're supposed to believe in.  I want to say to that... I am not perfect, I sin every single day and because I sin every single day I have to look for that Grace that is found in Jesus Christ.  That is the very breath of who I am... I sin, therefore I need God. 

In knowing this... in loving family even when it's hard I had to remind myself every day to stay away.  There were moments when I felt "called" to reach out, to bridge the gap between me and them but I had to remain on guard of myself.
 
A few days ago, "it" was the worst... I found myself on my knees willing God to let me call them so that I could be over and done with it.  I had my battle plan and all the things I was going to do to rid myself from the hurt.  In prayer, my heart was settled and called to wait.  Wait some more... ugh.  That same morning, after my prayer, I flipped my Bible open to the following passage...

Psalm 37 and a lot of it resonated with me in this season... but nothing more than these words lit almost on fire...
 
                 Psalm 37:34 Wait on the Lord, And keep His way

So I waited.  I waited for God to provide his moment...

A  moment which came this evening in an unexpected visit when the door bell rang.  I have never been so tied up in knots as I was this evening.  There was no weirdness.... well a little, but there was none of the hate and evil as before.  There was none of the funny looks.  For sure there were some things left unspoken and I hope they come out from both sides of the gap none of which will or can happen over night but this moment was for sure a break in the weather.

The water is on and the sun is shining. You all know how much I love my shower time; it's my alone time... Quiet time to reflect on the to-do list and square my day in my head. It's a moment to pray and praise God for a new opportunities.

This morning was a wonderfully prepared morning. A rare feat for me indeed... School uniforms picked out last night, lunches and coffee prepare before I headed to bed. Breakfast done and eaten well before the time to head out the door and hubbies to-go coffee in hand with keys to the car for the school run.

A shower for me... The sound of my sweet daughters voice, " Hey mom?!? The freezer door is stuck and I can't get my ice!" Far be it from me to think she could ask the daddy who's not in the shower but rather standing in the kitchen. Sometimes you have to point out the obvious... "Sweetie, I am in the shower - could you, by chance, ask your dad?!?" there was a bit of frustration in that answer!  Ah, back to my shower... As rubber hitting the kitchen tile starts to interrupt my thoughts... The hollow bounce of a basket ball. "What is going on out there?" I wonder aloud... "Son!", I call from the shower, "do we bounce the ball in the house?" The reply, " Mr. Smith likes when I bring my ball!" My rather loud response, "Not in the house!" His reply, "Ok mom!"

The silent thought... One day you will miss that sound and these interruptions.

Monday was amazing.... At the end of the evening, coming home from Bible study is where I find my neighbor across the street. Let's call her Ruth, because that's what I called her for 5 our of the 10 years we've lived here... It wasn't until on Christmas as I was thanking her for the Cannoli she sends over with her husband every holiday that she asked me why I keep calling her Ruth. Turns out her name is "Angela" and she's from upstate NYC. I love that lady... I love coming home from study to find her outside. We share some laughs and she tells me stories about the grand babies and great grand babies. She tells me about her sister in law who passed away and about her husband and his health. She's tough and honest; there is also a soft side to her. She loves the kids... She always says, "what are they, like in first grade already" with that Italian/NYC accent. Yes, I love crossing the street to chat with her on Monday nights. Tonight she tells me that her wonderful husband is having some health issues and there's really not much doctors can do to change it.  This sweet woman drives for him and you know she cooks for him... she takes out the trash and she just does it... they have a house full of people every Sunday night. 

I try to imagine my life 45 years from now. Not so much the home we'll be in but the state in life... I hope my kids bring their families home every Sunday night for dinner.  I hope we see our grand children and great grandchildren.  I hope we celebrate every milestone and weather every storm.

Silently saying a prayer for this family, my family and family's everywhere.

The family unit is not built "later and down the road"... it's not "after retirement" or "when I get a minute"... The family unit, the foundation and it's structure are built when two people get married, when they become one... it's built when their kids come home from the hospital.  It's built with every knee scrape, broken bone and bandage applied.  Family is built though love, time and bedtime prayers.  It's built with participation in ball games and dance recitals rather than the missed home run because there was a meeting after-work.

Family takes time and love, it takes molding and it takes a commitment to say, above all the distractions; you son or you daughter... you husband or you my wife "are my priority".  It takes coming home and making it to the dinner table so we can share our day.

So finally, when I become Angela and my hubbie becomes her wonderful husband... I have family that comes home on Sunday night and shares life back with us.

Among homework, school... afterschool activities and extracurricular sports; Careers and the stresses that come from that... among  family commitments to church; yes, I said church... we have to be a little selfish with our time, our time as a family.  We have to put up the boundaries and take back our family time - our time is short in this life, our time with our family is even shorter.  Make the most of it...

How will you make the most of your family time today...