He said to me, “Why do you reach out and call someone else? You need to be reaching for me. “ I dialed anyway, no answer… but there was a call back. I pick up the line and nothing… Again I hear “your Bible is right there, open it and seek me.”
The call back… it doesn’t help because I have ignored what I was told to do all along. How often “we” do that, I wonder, ignore the voice that asks us to seek Him. Maybe I should follow, today, what I profess to believe in. By no means do I believe I am a hypocrite, I have been in my Bible plenty and there are passages that have been underline, highlighted and dated… words of scripture burned love into my heart. Today though, I chose to ignore that still soft voice for a moment…
I didn’t read anything that stands out to me besides God’s awesome wonder, complete awesomeness… to know that everything is by His design. I think I needed that these past two weeks. There’s nothing to say, you know… nothing going on right at this moment in life can be made better by the things that are on my heart and my writing is reflecting that.
A friend of mine came to church with me on Sunday; mind you… our new church currently meets out of the pastor’s home. It’s not weird to me, however, it’s not lost on me that it might be weird to someone else. I feel like an explanation of a church plant is in order every time I say where we meet. When, in reality, there is a lot of Bible believing churches that don’t have a building to meet in. I also know that a building is not the church… it’s the body and the Word so… to this moment with this friend. I don’t know if I will ever be 100% comfortable inviting people to church, I feel this strange responsibility for how they will take the message, enjoy themselves, walk away with a new
understanding… and so on. I may second guess a thousand times… I pray that number reduces as time goes on. I say all this to come to a moment, one single solitary moment during the service when in my disconnected thought, “I wondered if she thinks we were nuts”…. The still soft voice says, “Laurie, I work on the message and the hearts. Your job is to ask them to church. Let me do my job.” Okay, God you’ve got this… why I doubt I have no idea.
She also helped me think more about my writing, I told her it’s been really difficult to find something to say… so we chatted about that for a moment and then her wisdom imparted to me was:
You know what Earnest Hemingway said about writing… “There’s nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” I love my friends who continuously encourage me. Simply Amazing!
So I am sitting here bleeding… not really just… trying to let it flow.
I am just thankful… I am thankful for a rainy Thursday. I am thankful for friends and family. I am thankful for our health… and when the health fades, when there are health scares and genuine worries for others, I am thankful I can pray to a God who hears all and knows all! There is nothing more important than that.
It’s been really hard being a mom these past two weeks… and how I miss the baby years. I look at my friends kids who have young children and I marvel at how awesome they are. The sound of their babble, the way they must sound to themselves, the wonder at each new thing.
Monday, we took a trip up the mountain for a picnic with some friends… My daughter was driving me crazy, incessant whining about sap on her hands and nothing was taking it off. I had had it. My best friend rescued the moment and quite possibly saved my life and helped her… twenty minutes later my daughter fell off a fallen tree log and scraped her thigh pretty badly. Mommy to the rescue and all aggravation was gone. I sat with her and put ice and a wet towel on her leg. The rest of the afternoon was wonderful… a visit to the Cookie Cabin where cookies are as big as plates, let’s face it; nobody needs a cookie that big and the day was complete. At night I said to her, “Mommy is sorry for not being very nice to you earlier”… she said, “Mommy, you were nice to me – you took care of my scrape and held the ice on for me.” My heart melted. Some days I don’t feel I deserve that kind of love.
Last night I tucked my son into bed, it’s been a while since I have been able to make it into his room and he was so excited that I came down the hallway…”Mommy, you’re tucking me in tonight?!?” “Yes, sweet boy I am.” I remember when I’d pick him up from his crib early in the morning when he was little and he’d wind his tiny little fingers in my hair behind my neck and tell me in his little toddler voice, “I love you, mommy” , that moment came rushing back.
Today, my daughter came out of her classroom door today in tears, holding a piece of paper… -1. She missed one on her spelling pre-test so that means she has to take the test tomorrow and she was devastated. I was devastated for her. She needed comfort and reassurance… I knew she knew it and I told her it was a simple mistake and she’d ace it tomorrow… her tears dried up. My son, however, forgot all about me this afternoon… he had a play date with his best friend and was headed home with them… I had to remember his excitement last night; I will admit his slight snub shot an arrow through my heart… As I left him there to play, going home with the other mommy I had to look back. His blond hair bouncing as he ran, laughing… walking up to his friend hands in his pockets like a big boy – my boy… Growing… ugh.
I have to remind myself these moments are good… I am blessed to be able to be there for my kids, to love them unconditionally and not be too hard on myself when I have a “lost it moment”. They still look for me and they find the good in me. For that I am thankful.
Going back to God and his awesome wonder… Life has so many hard moments, moments of prayer for others. Moments when you just wonder “why”? Those moments are just valleys, the highs and the lows… I am thankful for each and every single one of them… In the midst of all this… there is God waiting for you and me to pick up our Bibles and seek him!
Life is short... make the most out of all of it...
I don’t know who I am “bleeding” for tonight… but I hope you read it and understand.