I have never asked my friends how they'd classify me or what word or phrase best describes me... But I know they would agree I am an outgoing person, I am friendly and dependable... I am generally a happy person... I can be moody and sometimes crabby but I am not ever depressed.
I don't suffer from depression and I am not someone who can understand or empathize with those that do. I have friends who do suffer with depression, who battle it daily. Who want to hole up and never go out side. Who weep for no reason... Those souls which just grieve; I listen to them, I love them, I pray for them... But having never felt that way... I just cannot wrap my head around those feelings.
But...
Yes, but...
But yesterday...
The weather has just changed in the desert, it's getting cold... Cold for us at 66 during the sunny day requires a jacket, possibly a scarf and definitely boots. It's beautiful and crisp and it's my favorite time of the year... When the weather changes I begin looking forward to all the end of the year has in store.
Something has been different this week, something has fallen over my spirit. Something weighing on me, pulling me down, whispering in my ear and laying on my heart. It's nothing I recognize.
Not enough, nothing is enough, I am not enough... And it's more than that. It's doubting all my abilities. It's assuming all my tight-knit people groups are conspiring against me and despite words of affirmation I cannot let go of this feeling.
Whispering in my ear says...
I don't suffer from depression and I am not someone who can understand or empathize with those that do. I have friends who do suffer with depression, who battle it daily. Who want to hole up and never go out side. Who weep for no reason... Those souls which just grieve; I listen to them, I love them, I pray for them... But having never felt that way... I just cannot wrap my head around those feelings.
But...
Yes, but...
But yesterday...
The weather has just changed in the desert, it's getting cold... Cold for us at 66 during the sunny day requires a jacket, possibly a scarf and definitely boots. It's beautiful and crisp and it's my favorite time of the year... When the weather changes I begin looking forward to all the end of the year has in store.
Something has been different this week, something has fallen over my spirit. Something weighing on me, pulling me down, whispering in my ear and laying on my heart. It's nothing I recognize.
Not enough, nothing is enough, I am not enough... And it's more than that. It's doubting all my abilities. It's assuming all my tight-knit people groups are conspiring against me and despite words of affirmation I cannot let go of this feeling.
Whispering in my ear says...
"They will know you are not as good as you seem."
"Sure, they replied to your email and it says "great work" but look at how it's said - "they think your dumb" "they don't really agree"
"Just give up today..."
"Why are you trying..."
"Who are you that you think you can make a difference?"
I went the entire week with these thoughts... I went to bed with these thoughts... I woke up with these thoughts. I met my best friend for coffee with these thoughts and I never once realized what was going on.
Depression had settled over me... Self doubt creeped into my heart. It chipped and chiseled away at me until I was becoming someone I wasn't recognizing.
Driving home last night I was allowing it to take hold, I let it envelop me... Dictating every thought, feeling and action. It was winning... After only a few days.
Sneaky! Depression... Sucks!
I drove home, with tears in my eyes... Trying to think of anything to stop the pain... Rather than going down the slippery slope of darkness....
Darkness...
What is happening to me? Why do I feel this way? There's no reason to think these things. My life is good...we live in a nice place and have food to eat. We are healthy, our kids are healthy and amazing.
Who am I?
I am... Loved. These people love me and value me. I know this.
I am smart and funny... People tell me so. I have a great job and amazingly fulfilling hobbies. None of that matters.
As I tears come down my face...
Back to basics - I am the Daughter of a King! He loves me and knit me in my mothers womb. God formed and fashioned all the days before me. In Him, I live and serve. The enemy cannot hurt me... My God is bigger.
With that the veil lifted...
I recognized a strategic, calculated, pointed attack... The enemy comes to lie, cheat, steal... He comes to demolish... And he is crafty! He waits till your alone, he waits till your defenses are down... He's waiting for someone unsuspecting.
Depression had settled over me... Self doubt creeped into my heart. It chipped and chiseled away at me until I was becoming someone I wasn't recognizing.
Driving home last night I was allowing it to take hold, I let it envelop me... Dictating every thought, feeling and action. It was winning... After only a few days.
Sneaky! Depression... Sucks!
I drove home, with tears in my eyes... Trying to think of anything to stop the pain... Rather than going down the slippery slope of darkness....
Darkness...
What is happening to me? Why do I feel this way? There's no reason to think these things. My life is good...we live in a nice place and have food to eat. We are healthy, our kids are healthy and amazing.
Who am I?
I am... Loved. These people love me and value me. I know this.
I am smart and funny... People tell me so. I have a great job and amazingly fulfilling hobbies. None of that matters.
As I tears come down my face...
Back to basics - I am the Daughter of a King! He loves me and knit me in my mothers womb. God formed and fashioned all the days before me. In Him, I live and serve. The enemy cannot hurt me... My God is bigger.
With that the veil lifted...
I recognized a strategic, calculated, pointed attack... The enemy comes to lie, cheat, steal... He comes to demolish... And he is crafty! He waits till your alone, he waits till your defenses are down... He's waiting for someone unsuspecting.
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