If I could fall to my knees tonight I would. If I could just bow down in prayer, with all my body pressed to the ground and my hands turned up I would. Oh, how I wish I could. But I am alone and if I got on the floor I would not be able to get back up.
For two days I have sat in thought about the people, places and things that surround me and my family and I am just humbled - I am just in awe. I know I keep saying that and I know you must be tired of reading it but I don't think I will ever get tired of saying it.
It might sound crazy... But I want God's will for my life. I want to walk where he's asking me to walk. Right now, I am currently not walking anywhere and I know, I know... That I am right where he wants me to be. In this moment, this tough... This really "isn't me" moment I am having some of the best conversations. I am paying more attention to what God is saying within the people, places and things around me. In those moments, the ones I wouldn't have had otherwise - had I been standing on my own two feet, grace and love poured out. I am changed; my husband and children have been changed.
A few people know this about me... And I may offend some... My pastors, I love you but I have to take a moment and be "real". I think you will forgive me as I come around... One of my least favorite things to read in the Bible is Matthew 6: 9-13. Why... Because it's usually read with sorrow, it's usually presented in a deep foreboding tone... Thy will be done... Monotone.
This morning I was not able to attend church. As with most of the strong willed women in my family, this weekend I did too much. I did not keep my feet up, I did not take it easy - why??? Because I was feeling better. You cannot keep me down.. Unless you are God and I am not listening to you and I have filled my days with running here and there... And busying myself with the tasks I see fit to be done and God says to this stubborn, strong willed child... "Enough! You are grounded."
So.. This morning... I still wanted some of Him and missing church wasn't wanted but I couldn't go. What did I do..... I wrote in my book.... The list of names I am praying for at the moment, plus a group of our Angels who have helped us live life these last three broken weeks.
Then I asked the kids to pray... I would start and they would follow... My husband to close.
We could have just prayed... But... Matthew 6:5-15 called out to me. As I read, the words changed my heart. I understand them in a different tone as I read the passage to our kids.
"But you, when you pray, go into your room and when you have shut your door pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. ". Matthew 6:6
As I am telling them this.. In words they understand.. "Mommy prays in the shower because it's quiet, because at a certain time the sun comes through the glass above and shines bright.. Because He speaks to me there. Just as mommy prays for you at bedtime and you both have told me you pray by yourselves after I have left the room... Jesus is telling us in Matthew 6:6 that he wants to be intimate with us, in a quiet place because He is there..."
Wow... He is there in those moments and he hears us. Moreover, He will reward us openly.
Jesus said that... That is a promise.
Then... As I am telling my own kids what other verses mean...
Matthew 6:8 catches my breath... For your Father knows the things you have need of even before you ask Him.
If ever that sentence has been driven home, it's in this moment of sitting in one place. Waiting... On others to help our household run.
I explain that to my kids... The airplane, full of people... Had three seats left, the night before we left Utah... At a price we could afford... God knew what we needed even before we knew to ask for it. Each moment of planning taking one step at a time. Get home, get an appointment, get crutches... I wasn't thinking, "oh-no how will I cook for my family, I can't stand.. ". I didn't even have to think about that need because... The voicemail which I received as we waited for our bags in Phoenix said God's got this... And we were provided for.
This is all to explain to them... To them what that verse means... But really it sunk into my heart.
Say this out loud... It is amazing... Father knows the things you have need of even before you ask....
You know why? Because he knows where you have been, what you are about to walk through and where you are going!
Take away the monotone... Change my voice when I read it... Speak to this changed heart -
Our Father who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Your name
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our debts
As we forgive our debtors
And do not lead us into temptation
But deliver us from the evil one
For Yours is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever. Amen.
I read through the notes I took as I prayed with our children... And it's my sons turn to pray. What comes out of his wee little mouth stuns me to tears...
Heavenly Father - you are the best Father! Thank you for Jesus who we follow and the army which will be raised. You God, are amazing! Amen.
I had to write it down... My daughter who always says amazing prayers didn't disappoint... Then daddy's turn... His voice is cracking and he is sniffling a little.. And then we are done.
The kids run off to get changed... We sat in silence.
They get it better than we do.
Yes... I want God's will for my life... His stuff is the best stuff!
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