Five, four, three, two, one.
Counting backwards from an explosive moment.
Calling it what it is... A direct attack to this family, on this heart... By our enemy.
Conversation after conversation this week, my closest friends, my favorite people and colleagues have shared all the "ish" going on in their lives.
Big stuff, hard stuff, sin stuff that exposes the safe bubbles we contain ourselves in. Not one single person is immune. It happens without warning and suddenly you are in a moment you cannot get out of.
Then, only after something is broken, after the harmful words have been spoken all that's left to do is survey the damage and ask silently and without an answer, "how on earth did we get here?"
I suppose I could say thank you more. I suppose I should be more grateful for all the ways I am helped. I suppose the one I take for granted the most is the one who silently works away until... I have said one thing incorretly again and the rubber-band stretched and worn with cracks finally snaps.
Did I deserve what was said... Maybe, under different circumstances. Maybe in a different tone, maybe before it had been so far stretched that it lost its shape.
Would I have liked... "You know, I realize home much you do around here because I can't keep up!" Or "I know it's not like you do it, but I am trying!" Or "I can't wait till you get better because this place really needs you!"
Instead we both have been stretched so far that we broke and now we aren't speaking.
We know better than all of this. We know better than the yelling and broken glass that woke up a sleeping child.
We know better, we take our vows seriously. We don't speak the "D" word... But we speak a lot of other harmful words... What ever hurts more than they just hurt me, right?
Except it's all wrong. Not only did I let the enemy in with his arrows shooting deep into a place where I am not covered but I allowed myself to attack my help, my best friend, my partner and in the process I sinned.
I spoke out in anger. I spoke out in the attack. All the while I am only called to withstand. To put on truth and love and speak from that place.
Father,
Thank you for being in this moment. Thank you for helping me to quiet before it got too bad. Thank you for allowing me to come to you, broken and sorry. Thank you for forgiving me for the things I do wrong, all the ways I sin... For all my shameful scars... For a few moments I took my eyes off you and let the enemy attack where he hasn't in sometime. I allowed myself to forget we are a target. Lord, remove from me all the things that are wrong and awful in your sight. Replace in me your love, mercy and grace. Allow me to forgive as you have forgiven me. Show us the way to make things right. In Jesus Christs name I pray. Amen.
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