I looked to my favorites, Ann Voskamp and Lysa Terkheurst, I looked at private writings on Facebook for the groups and people I am following until I took --- a small, frightened, calculated, what could happen – step of faith and…
I searched for the voice that gracefully comes. Grace handed me flashes of my kids, side by side - playing on the beach, riding side rail on the shopping cart, eating baby food in a high-chair giggling, to further back - being born and presented side by side. My first DoubleDose! The DoubleDose of love, panic, fear of the unknown; I think that is where I am now.
If I consider DoubleDose even further; I’m reminded of the 10 year fertility struggle – the DoubleDose; the combination of two drugs that increased my chances of having a child (with a 7% chance of a multiple pregnancy)… the DoubleDose of reality - Baby A and Baby B!
Flash forward to the present… my days are crazy. Most days I am not the person I want to be. I can be impatient with those I love, I can be scattered with my thoughts and speech. I miss birthdays and card moments, I miss turning the crock pot on. Some days I can give 110% at home or work or church, to myself, I can give it all away and give 110% to others… I cannot, however, give 110% to all. I portion myself off; in chunks, in waves and in little bits and pieces, until there’s nothing left. Then, when there is nothing left, I stop. I give the nothing I am to God, in need for a DoubleDose of His word. Gracefully, 110% of the time, God leaves me speechless. All along I needed to put the end before the beginning. God is the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and the Omega. My days need to start with him. All beginnings need to start with Him.
So, when the space bar blinked and paused on the line that said [Name] – DoubleDose began.
Philippians 4:6 says: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
So I step out in faith… Why am I doing this you ask? I don’t know. I am praying for guidance, grace and a revealing hand. I am also praying for my dear friends who I carefully selected to read these rough works.
Your thoughts and prayers are welcomed and much appreciated.
Again, I humbly thank you for reading.