I heard it once said, that like Moses who had to go back to Egypt to the place where he sinned and killed a man we too must go back to the place it began; that is our redemptive place.
Redeemed... What does that mean? Two definitions I found, one is my favorite but if you look carefully at them I wonder if it's happenstance that one precedes two?
2. deliverance; rescue.
It seems to me that you cannot get to the second without the first, at least according to my belief. I for one am so thankful for that rescue, that great rescue.
I am up late tonight preparing my household for a trip, my children will go one way this weekend and it will go another while my dear husband supports all of our dreams over the night shift. Laundry, dishes... Toothbrushes... Pack the suit cases, theirs first of course - the blankie and the snuggle toys. Settling in this late at night or rather the wee hours of the morning I am caught reflecting on this redemptive trip... Going to see my friend in Utah where my ankle broke and I had to cut out time short...
Redemptive places made me think about Moses and the redeeming plan God had in mind for him but first he had to go back to Egypt.
My redemption story will not be posted online. I am not ashamed of it, rather it's not where I want my children reading it. There is value in my story and while I wish it was different and maybe made 20 or so different choices than I did - it's still all lessons learned that I for one, hope my daughter in particular, can learn from.
I can say for certain I am not the same person I used to be... Or for that matter, I am not the same person I was last year. His words reflect on my heart and sink into my being so much so that I want more. I want more of Christ in everything I do.
I still fail daily. I fail with my husband, with the way I speak to him. I am not careful with my words and rather than build him up, I get into the habit of tearing him down. I fail with my kids, so frustrated in certain behaviors that drive me crazy I fail some days to tell them how thankful I am for all the wonderful things they do... I fail at forgiveness when I have been wronged... But I digress.
This week I have wrestled internally, I have wondered aloud. This week I have sought council from the left and from the right but staying focused above was difficult.
Have you ever been so conflicted that your own process turns you inside out? That any step forward is halted... Halted because you cannot make up your mind? Well that was me.
Bread crumbs were left for me though. God, for sure saw my struggle and as I read in scripture this week, as I prayed and recorded my thoughts I found his word.
Build on the rock.
"Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wiseman who built his house on a rock; "and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on the house and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock." Matthew 7:28
I want to be built on the rock... I want to be solidly in a place where my question goes straight to Him. I want to realize the person He made me to be through my past is good and worthy to be used. I want to love on others, without question because scripture tells me that God knows my heart, He knows me so intimately and He is there to walk beside me. Easy things to say this side of my week.
There is another half to that Matthew verse... The one not on solid ground.
"But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: "and the rain descended, the floods came and the winds beat on the house; and it fell. And it was a great fall. Matthew 26-27
The words... It was a great fall... Mentally I see this house on shaky ground, sliding... And it fell, in my mind - so final and it was a great fall - painful. Apart from the good solid ground of Jesus. Breaks my heart.
Nope! This girl... As broken and afraid as I have been at times. As angry and ugly as I can get some days... This girl seeks forgiveness daily. I think about the stepping stones of my faith which have lead me to where I am now and I am so grateful for God's great love for me. I am thankful I am not the girl I used to be and I am humbled that He contiues to shake from me that which does not belong in me.
This girl has gone back to her redemptive place and made peace with who I used to be. I have reconciled to myself that all the things I have done and have been through turn me into a story which will help someone, someday. I can only work everyday to point myself to the foot of the cross and wait on Him.
My prayer tonight my dear friends is this...
Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you for for this day! I thank you for the beauty around me, for all the wonderful things you have made. I thank you for your redemptive love, that you look at me everyday as a daughter you love. I am thankful you shake out of me that which does not belong. I pray Lord that you help me refocus my mind daily, hourly, by the minute to be a girl who chases hard after you. I want others to know there is nothing wrong with who they were before you... Because your death on the cross, your resurrection three days later was for and covered all our sin.. Covers those mistakes we made... Not because of ourselves but our grace alone. I pray tonight to become more like you Lord. All of these things I ask in your Sons Holy name. Amen.