Infertility and Prayer
Infertility is fundamentally the inability to conceive a baby. Infertility also refers to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancy to full term.
The definition does not do the word justice.
Infertility by definition describes the action… the action of not being able to conceive, to carry… Infertility said to me… You cannot have a baby... Cannot have a baby… Cannot.Have.A.Baby!
The definition does not take into account the young married couple, who waited to try and have children after they got settled in careers or traveled the world, who wanted to “experience life” before “life” happened. The definition does not allow for the dreams that - by one word - shattered the
fragile picture frame held in my mind of a long life with my husband,
pitter-patter of little feet, hand-prints on the wall, school plays, high-school
games, college, marriage, careers witnessed, grandchildren… being cared for by those that you cared for when your time comes. That picture shattered; shards of glass on my minds floor.
The definition does not allow for the tests, the scans, and the blood work… the diagnosis… the flights you have with your spouse… the money that spills out as you “try”.
The definition makes way for prayer, before each appointment… the
nights you lay awake at night wondering, worrying, and waiting.
The prayer after the negative sign… I cannot speak to how many negative
signs there were, too many, defeating, negative signs for 9 years.
The positive. One day, after we’d just stopped… stopped all the trying… stopped all the tests, the drugs, the diets, the temperature taking…
The stupid little stick gave in and gave me a sign… the sign different than the others. Oh how excited we were, we shared with many… we bought things for the nursery. Until, back from vacation, nearing week number 12; excited to see our baby on a screen to hear the heart beat… our moms came, excited for us. The words – “I am sorry… there is no heartbeat… no life… your baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days”. We’ll send for genetic testing, we’ll figure this
The night before the D&C, guiltily I lay in bed wishing the dead out of me; anxious for the morning. Up early, in the shower I prayed… I did not just pray… I cried 9 years’ worth of tears and frustration. I was angry and I spoke to God, I yelled within my soul at God. I was broken and crumpled on the shower floor.
“I.am.done! You say “you will not leave me or forsake me” but I feel left and forsaken. You say “I will bring you through your sorrows”, I am in my sorrow now! I do not have 10 more years to give, unless you have another way, I am done with this baby business…”
My friends do not miss this part… My prayer, my cry… my loss was heard…
the answer that gracefully comes was heard behind my ear. Grace quietly whispered, “Daughter, you will have three children.”
Genetic testing was done, a girl, extra chromosome... The healing began and six months later, Baby A and Baby B.
Brokenness ushered in Grace. Prayer ushered in Grace. Our God hears dear friends. Our God answers!
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16 ESV