It's been 15 days since my accident, 5 days post surgery. 10 days since I slept in my own bed. 12 nights asleep or trying to on the brown leather chair and at least 6 nights with my children on the couch tending to their mom.
A game changer.
Fears, like when my kids are outside riding their bike and I am stuck in the house. I know their daddy is watching them, but he doesn't watch them like I do. Will he prevent the game changer.
Fears... I look at my sons forehead that bears the scar from really his first trip to the ER. We were leaving the park, he didn't want to. He was having fun... Not even a two year old yet. He didn't want to go. Walking back to the car, I was holding my son tight in the midst of this massive temper-tantrum. Daddy had the girl, on the other side of the car-putting her in as I struggled to console my son. As fast as I can type but as slow as the memory comes... My sons face was changed. I opened the car door at the same time he fell backward with back arched and screamed fell forward onto the corner of the open doorframe and split his head open. Holding our son to a table, paper cloth over his body and head, circle in the top large enough to see the bleeding gash, the doctor took care of him stitch by stitch. My son forever marked by his desire to play when other things needed to be done.
His daddy has the same scar now... Happened years later a door fell on his head, the bolt on the bottom of the door hitting him good and square... Father son, matching.
Time heals wounds, scars rarely fade.
A game changer.
My grandfather, I have written about him before. I have never stopped hearing the sound of the words; "Hi guy" with a smile, guttural handsome voice. That's how he would answer the door. The game changing day for my family. I was getting ready for work... Blow drying my hair. The phone call. Dad's voice on the other end, the words that will replay in my head all my life. "Papa, my dad... He is on his way to the hospital. They said it's not good... Looks like he might be having a heart attack". Fear grips a little now when Dad calls.
These last 15 days... Game changing days...
My children have learned how to power through fear. My son standing beside his momma, in a place unfamiliar to him... No other faces of those he loves, while his momma speaks through clenched teeth and deep breaths. Tears gave way at the sight of the woman coming towards him, his moms best friend. She scoops him up and whispers everything will be ok, your Mom is ok.
He goes off to play the rest of the day with his Dad.
My daughter, my fierce companion. She doesn't yet know how strong she is. From injury till today, she has been at my side. Seeing me in a wheelchair scared her. I tried to get her to go back and have fun, urgent care is never any fun. She refused. Insisting she go back with my friend and rest so she could take care of me after I know how I am... She cried as I was wheeled into the clinic. That night I know she heard scary things about me. No way to shelter them... We have to go home and mom is broken. That night she slept with me. Waking up every few hours to help me with pills, water, trips to the bathroom... To make sure I don't fall. All the while holding back her own tears and stifling her fears.
Back at home both of my kids have excelled at care giving... They are attentive to what will be tripping hazard for me and my crutches, keeping things off the bathroom floor because I have to use theirs... They have both learned how to make us coffee and get themselves breakfast. They seem to realize they are part of a team.
My babes have also been acting out, they have been seeking attention because attention has shifted. It wasn't until, after complaints to my mom and her summation of the situation... The quite words, "you have to remember this happened to them too. They are processing all the changing and new people coming and going to take care of you."
Yes... A game changer...
I am excited to see my scars, I have big plans for them. I believe God does too. I know I am weak and finding strength in each moment.
Each moment of these last 15 days, each time I thought - I.CANT.DO.THIS!
The answer came, yes you can... My name is I AM.
Revelation 21:6-7 Then He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be my son".
John 14:6 Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me."
Psalms 139:2-3 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Again I have to remember God knew I would be in this place, broken, weak and in doubt of everything. God put this in my path and there is something amazing that will come out of it... One last thought to tie it all together for me tonight.
At Bible Study last night studying the first miracle of Jesus turning water into wine.
John 2:10 and he said to him, "every man at the beginning sets out the good wine and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now."
Then someone said, this teaches us that the best stuff comes from Jesus.
Without a doubt, He works amongst all of my broken pieces, the crazy mind pieces, He heals the scars, He is there on the game changing days as well as the days He had seen us through...