On my back, leg raised. What am I learning? I am learning that God is answering prayers. I am sitting back, watching in awe.
Yesterday on the way to the hospital I bowed my head to pray. I was afraid, scared of all the crazy things that could go wrong. Will I lose my foot? Will I get a blood clot? I could die in surgery! Yes, all unlikely - I realize how silly it sounds but the unknown freaks me out. I bowed my head...
Father, I am sorry for this fear. I know by being afraid I am showing my lack of faith. I have not turned it into your hands and left it with you. I hand it to you knowing I am going to pick up the fear and doubt and wear it on myself. I am tired and weak and that is not me. Lord, I know by faith you have gone before me and paved the way. You have provided safe passage home, a good doctor to perform the surgery, love from our home churches, a wheelchair, among countless other blessings. You are comforting me with words and daily reminders. I am thankful and in awe of your very presence. I give you the worry and fear now, I will not pick it back up.
The weight was lifted, the worry was truely gone... The next song on the radio reminds me that He is always with me, He never goes away.
What follows is a series of mental attacks... Targeting the places I am not covered!
Flashing back, almost 7 years ago to the date... A doctor appointment which set into motion the birth of my children. A very scary moment in time... Words... High blood pressure, preeclampsia, stroke, emergency c-section... All started by reading my vitals. Admitted to the hospital, test, exams, machines, monitors. Panic sets in for this new mom, expecting twins after ten years of infertility.
All of which started with a blood pressure cuff which started, paused and started again the reading too bad.
After the birth of the twins, blood pressure still to high - wanting to leave the hospital but I couldn't. Meanwhile the blood pressure cuff inflating, pausing, starting again - never a good sign. This repeated for weeks. Then the depression, crazy thoughts and panic of never being able to leave.
Back into this moment, the break - urgent care... Blood pressure issues. Doctor appointment... Blood pressure issues.... Surgery yesterday - the blood pressure cuff inflates, pauses, inflates again, pauses and inflates again... Not covered, afraid. Crazy thoughts. Mind games.
My husband can finally come in, our pastor is there as well and I am thankful! Conversation is easy, helps calm me down, besides our surroundings it's a nice time waiting. With a few deeper questions he validates my feelings and fears. He acknowledges the way the enemy attacks a mind, brings in the fear. He prays for us, with us... And then they go. No more fear.
Wheeled away, down a long hall... Transitioning from bed to table. Oxygen mask on, it smells funny - should it smell this way? What do I feel? Nothing... The nurse asks me how I am... I say good. I have this urge to ask her a question, strange... Do I? The cap that holds her hair makes me happy. It's so many colors; red and blue, purple and yellow... I look into her eyes and the question comes.
"Do you believe in God?" She says, "yes, but I do not go to church...." The words hang there, I am asleep.
Waking up, it hurts. I remember vaguely silently whimpering. There is talking around me, the nurse to my husband. Pain management... Drugs, overdosing, drink coffee... Eat fruit, it will help.
I want to speak with the doctor and anesthesiologist... Just to thank them. Waking up a bit more... I get to go home. I still have both my feet, there's my toes. God had it. I speak with the nurse some-his son is coming home... To visit before he is deployed. "Where is he going?" He can't tell his parents. I ask his name... "May I pray for him?" The nurse tells me his sons name... Please pray... I don't recall his name now. I am going to call him C.R. Because that it what I can remember... But God knows and will know his name.
Stopping at the grocery store to fill prescriptions. I want to go in, I haven't been anywhere in days. My brown chair is my bed, sofa and the view out my back window is a little skewed, I do see the mountains and the storms coming in. I digress - scooting around the store in a chair with a basket enjoying being out, pain is mild...
Divine intervention, as if God has something to say....
This woman, young - average build and looks like a runner. She sees me sitting in line waiting to unload our cart, she comes over and says, "oh, hun. I am so sorry, that is painful. I have been there." She pulls up her running pants and shows me her scars on both sides of her ankle. Up each side. She says, " I had four surgeries. I broke all the bones here and I broke here and here" as she points to various places in her ankle. She says, "day number two was the worst, everything gets better from there". Then she is gone. I am in awe!
I wondered what my scars would look like, I wondered how long the pain would be an there were some answers.
Not only is there healing for this body... And my mind but also in various relationships which I have been praying about; which others have been praying about. Many ways which God is moving and his hands are at work.
I cannot help but thank Him in the midst of this storm.
My strength is made perfect in weakness... God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. All around me the tide is changing, waters are parting and His perfect plan is revealing.