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From the inside out.

1/21/2018

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At the beginning of 2017, by "accident", I picked up a bible verse and adopted it as my verse for the year.  My heart desired to be obedient to the Word of God, desired a different response to circumstances rather than explosive out of control responses that had plagued me my whole life.  All year I kept the verse in front of me, I taped it to the wall of my desk, I wrote it on chalkboards around my house and I would seek to read various versions and commentary, all so that the verse was not only memorized but would transform me from the inside out. 

I wanted to get each word remembered in its specific order, I did not want to leave any word out.  Then I found myself clinging to this text:

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.  Now those who belong to Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Galatians 5:22-24
I wanted so much to possess self-control, to walk in patience, to be kind, to have my response to a situation come from a place of peace and I failed quite a bit in 2017 and when I failed I would research each word over again... 

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-control... 

I am not writing to tell you that I have it down, on the contrary, probably farther from it as I realize how far I still need to go.  But what I learned is that I am not governed by my circumstances.  I am not governed by the things done to me or said about me.  I am not governed by my past failures or things I have done.  Instead, I can choose a posture of willful surrender.  Instead, I can choose a thoughtful posture of obedience.  

These ten verbs called me, as a believer in Jesus, to a place of obedience-training.  This intentional focus provided an atmosphere for inward transformative work that only the Spirit can do, quite literally the fruit, the product" of the Spirit.
    
Love. For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
  
He was and is Love... love come down, love bent low.  Love in action, giving up Himself for us. 

Joy. Psalm 98.  We praise Him with all Joy we rejoice for what He has done.   
Our salvation... for the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ, our Lord.  Romans 6:23 

For God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.  John 3:17 

Resurrected from death so that I might be reconciled to Him and live with Him in eternity.  

Peace. 
And with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Ephesians 6:15 - His word is peace...  

It is in these first three truths, His love for us - you, me, all of mankind from the beginning, His Joy, the overwhelming Joy that comes from knowing that we; you, me, all of mankind - from the beginning - were bought with a price, a high price... His death on the cross... and the Word which is truth and brings Peace to those who believe.  In these three verbs,  
Jesus exampled and moved forward in; these first three, the way for the next.  With His love, with His Joy and with His Peace we are able to live out His word with patience, in kindness, goodness, faithfulness, with gentleness and self-control.
​

I will be sharing with you some of truth He taught me this year.  Some of it I chronicled out as I do, some of it I left to sink into my being - trusting it to fall where it may, and still it teaches me.  I cannot wait to share with you how He's moving me.  I cannot wait to share with you the frustrating, overwhelming, captivating, awesome way the Spirit has taken hold.

​2017 was a quiet year for my writing...  2018 is going to be quite different...    

​
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Why was I surprised

5/10/2017

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My daughter was 6 when she first started talking about believing in God, accepting His truth as her truth, and asking to be baptized.  We were concerned. We wondered how could a child fully understand the love of God, mankind's need for forgiveness, the sent Savior's death on the cross, and the resurrection.  We really thought maybe she should be older, more prepared, understand the weight of it all.  

Our then pastor, and still family friend, said to her daddy and me, "When we raise our kids in a home with a foundation that believes in God and follows God's truth, when we invest in their education and send them to a Bible believing school, and when we are committed to attending church and serving as a family in ministry... why would we be surprised when they "get it" and make a profession of faith at an early age."  That’s all we needed to take her seriously.  She was baptized just two years later.  

I don't know why I was surprised this past Friday night when his words rang in my mind once more.  

The kids and I went to dinner after football practice.  We love Taco Thursday, it's kind of our thing.... only we didn't make it on Thursday night but went on Friday instead.  We all order tacos, munch on salsa and chips, and then we just talk.  Daddy works nights so this time is usually just the three of us. We were happily chatting about the day, about school, about practice, and Saturday's game.  We texted funny pictures to daddy as we waited a ridiculously long time for our food.  We played games on the silly coloring mats restaurants give to kids to keep them occupied... and we laughed.  It was great fun.  

Behind me sat a couple, quietly eating and enjoying their time.  Honest mommy moment-I was aware of them when we walked in.  I was aware they were different, part of me was aware that the kids might notice and say something... something that makes parents cringe... something that kids say and then parents should apologize for. 

In the middle of our fun one of them got my attention and told me what great kids I have.  They thought our kids were just so well-mannered and couldn't believe how well behaved they were.  They told me that and they told the kids that.  The kids said thank you and we turned around but they wanted to keep talking to me, so I did.  As someone who loves Jesus, I kept thinking and praying for an opening to share the love of Jesus with them but an opportunity didn't come.  So, I remained friendly and kind.  It was about this time that my son gave them a few strange looks and then tapped on my shoulder... Moms, you know the tap... the tap that helps you remember the original concern for the cringe worthy comments you knew where coming the moment you entered in the first place.  I quietly told him to wait, he could tell me in a moment... I just kept thinking, keep him silent - don't let him say what's been on your mind since you walked in.  

The couple left and then I gave my son permission to tell me what he needed to tell me... what I expected was not what came out of his mouth.  

"Mom, I wanted you to tell them about Jesus."  "They needed to know that Jesus loves them."

My mouth hit the floor and it stayed there. 

Kids get it... ya know?!?  They just get it.  My kids didn't see this couple as I did, with the preconceived notion of judgement I had considered just by looking at them.  Instead, they, with a childlike heart just know that people need to hear about Jesus and how much He loves them.  Period... end of story.  

So, driving home I couldn't help but recall our wise pastor... only this time, in my mind, he was saying, "Your kids know and love Jesus.  You and everyone around them is teaching them to be evangelical and love the lost.  Your son loves the lost and you are surprised when he wants to talk to all people about Jesus; regardless of where they come from, who they look like, or any perceived lifestyle choices."  

I am so grateful for childlike love, innocence, and a heart like His!

I drove, we talked.  We talked about what mommy was doing in her mind when she was talking with the couple.  That mommy had been praying for an open door to talk about Jesus. That mommy also had to consider the surroundings, that they (my kiddos) were with me and the conversation could have gone so many, etc., etc., meanwhile the Spirit had opened the door... He called upon my son to open the door and I silenced him.  We talked about listening to the Spirit, we talked about things he could have said, ways he could have been bold.  And I apologized for not trusting him.

Lessons aren't always for the kids - sometimes they are wiser than they know. Their faith is simpler, their dependence is greater, and their understanding is what Jesus wanted us to know all along...  Love me and love others.  

"Then He called a child to Him and had him stand among them, "I assure you," He said,"unless you are converted and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child - this one is the greatest in heaven.  and whoever welcomes one child like this in My name welcomes Me."
​Matthew 18:2-5

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Measurable

11/24/2016

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It’s two am… and it is my dreams which have woken me.  I am all over the place with my thoughts --- we shall start there and see what comes of it.
  
Mom’s "saying" what I am saying. Insecurities, that was my dream. I will give birth to that thought on another page.  Not now. Now is not the time for that.  

I suppose the quiet got to me, I suppose it gets me every time.  We spent the last four days close to the Arizona/Mexico border at Parker Lake.  It is a small lake with nothing around for miles.  If we forgot something there is no running into town. Going to town would require a great distance to travel.  We were only just a few of the families camping this weekend.  The daytime was quiet and peaceful; the nights were even more so and add stars - stars like I haven't seen in years.  Stars so bright and constellations normally hid from view appeared with no lights to dim their glow.  It was so easy to get entranced by their beauty.  

"Then God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night.  He made the stars also."  Gen. 1:16

"He counts the number of stars; He calls them all by name."  Psalm 147:4

In the dark, in the pitch black... with no other light to interfere, the awesomeness of those two verses boggle my mind.  How great is He that made those things?  How great is He that He numbered them and calls them all by name?  

Even typing that memory I get lost in thought...  Back on track - there was no cell service - not one ounce.  There were no emails to check, no social media to keep up on, no news to get lost in... nothing but each moment.  So without all the distraction, my cell phone was left behind, forgotten on the charger in the camper. My best-friend had some, cell service that is, which I was thankful for… it helped us find out that our favorite winery was open through the Thanksgiving holiday and we could stop in and grab our favorite bottle of sangria (which we did on our way home).  She was also the one who remembered to take pictures to commemorate our annual trip… I barely took any pictures so in this blog I will be giving picture cred to her.

We fished and hiked... we laid around on the windy, rainy, and cold day.  We watched the leaves change and fall.  Our kids played laser tag and rode their bikes.  We prepared meals together and laughed more than we had in quite some time.

Returning from a trip like this it would stand to reason that one would be de-stressed, relaxed and ready to take on the world.  Not so, instead I have come home with an internal struggle, an unease... which is blossoming into an understanding with which is counter-culture to all I have ever learned.

Measurables, whose line is it anyway… whose yardstick, whose tape-measure, whose measurable did I buy into.  I think I have realized that my measurable is not mine at all and most days I feel like a floppy plastic pink ruler.   I cannot blame my parents or society…  both just go with the current… 

When I was little my parents and any good teacher told me that I could be anything I wanted to be.  I could aim for the stars and achieve everything I dared to achieve.  Words and statements which were positive, empowering and absolutely true.  We want our "littles" to grow up believing and achieving... and chasing... a measurable... isn't that right?

I have chased my own measurable and have come up empty in most "choose your own adventure" flow-chart I drew.  I have found success in education.  I have climbed up the corporate ladder in titles and raises.  I have found success in jobs and in the accolades of people.  

I have, however, always wanted more...  

Until I didn't and walked away from it all.  Giving it all up to be in my marriage and to be "two somebodies" mommy.    To choosing not to come home every day tired and exhausted from a commute which took too long and giving 100% of myself to a place that will not remember my name.  To saying no to the on-call hours and continual thoughts of work; strategizing and mentally preparing for the next work day.  Exchanging it all to volunteer as a parent helper in art class and being home when "they" are home.  To creating a daily menu board and mostly sticking to it.  To focus my heart and soul on the blessings this life has offered me in the family my husband and I have created.  Finding a job which barely helps to get us by but is more rewarding than anything I've ever had the privilege to do...

When we pulled into town late in the afternoon we stopped at a gas station to service our camper before putting it back in storage. Our oldest, biggest, mutt of a dog bounded out the camper door, past my husband and headed out for the busy intersection... busy from the cars returning home early in preparation for the thanksgiving holiday, busy with people thinking of their store lists for the feast to come, busy with the thought of packing for a late night drive to "be home for the holiday"... Busy... and as I saw our dog bound in the corner of my eye, I bounded out with him... to help my husband catch him... as my door swung open and my foot hit the pavement I was back... back in the busy of this life.  Busy in the noise of cars rushing past and honking for the green light... sirens of the emergency vehicles and first responders. Back in the busy...  Before I could regain my thoughts, my husband handed our dogs leash to me... and my husband said, "I think he's just had himself a bit of a shock that we aren't still up in the mountains, crazy dog."  Him and me both... 

Letting the busy go... Letting ideas of who we could be, should be, go.  Letting go of the measurable created by ideas of having it all... The job, the home, the 2.5 kids, the picket fences... not that it is wrong, if it is for you... 

Yet, still... my measurable is counter-culture.  Which is why, perhaps, I laid with my husband in the quiet of the house fretting about my lost wages, titles, and choices.  Why I feel a guilt for letting it all go...  

Finding my measurable, instead, in something more...  

What if that's what we teach our children.  What if that's what we re-learn for ourselves.  The measurable found in the creator of the heavens and the earth.  Who does He say we are?  Who has He created me to be?  

"Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us, But to Your name give the glory, Because of Your mercy, Because of your Truth." Psalm 115:1
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"All men..."

8/24/2016

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My high school best friend is not the same best friend I have now. Not even close. My high school best friend journeyed with me from elementary school through junior high only becoming close those last few years. It is said that we will have many friends in life; some for a reason, some for a season and some for life. She was a friend for a season. We did not part as enemies but we did not part as friends either - instead we just parted.

I remember the day I told her, with all excitement, that I was getting married... I hadn't applied to colleges, college was out of my reach. My parents had lost a business and our childhood home, there was no money for me to continue my education at the moment - that could and would come later. Right now, I was excited to be getting married. I met a great guy who I just knew was the one God had for me. She didn't buy that... Neither marriage nor God's plan. So rather than gaining a bridesmaid - I lost a friend.

My friend's opinion was that I should wait, go to school so that I would never depend on a man; men were not to be depended on - my dad nor the loves that she had along the way. Men failed our moms... Her parents divorced. My parents stayed together though my dad remained mostly absent to us, finding the bottom of a bottle instead.

I remember my friend saying, "All men leave, wouldn't you like to be able to support yourself when that day comes?"

That was the first time I heard the "All men..." sentence, followed by the excuse of expected behavior. I remember my heart hurting for her... All men couldn't possibly be like my dad or the relationships she'd had.

There weren't many conversations between us after that.

Fast-forward 10 years... I did get married and now in my late 20s someone I looked up to had cheated on his wife of almost 30 years. He had justified it and excused it... I was blown away. His response to me, "Laurie, all men cheat and yours will too someday."

The second time I heard the "All men..." sentence... My heart broke. Really?!? My husband... My husband of 10 years, someday he will cheat on me? You know that? Those were the thoughts that ran through my head.

My husband and I were battling with infertility and the last few years had been so tough on our marriage, something I will be writing about soon... there had surely been more than once we didn't think we were going to make it and we were already fighting against all odds. To top all of that off, neither of us were walking with God.

I gave my life to God - when I was 13. We (my brother and me) attended church when my mom could take us or on major holidays. My desire to remain close to God waned through high school and before I knew it God was not much of a thought in my mind and my behavior sure exampled it.

Into our marriage we sought Him together and I looked for God with every negative pregnancy test and doctor appointment... God became the lamp of a genie I would rub. "God, if you would only..." "This month, okay God?" Church wasn't much help for either of us... infertility left me angry and alone.

Fast forward to present day, some friends are struggling with their marriage - having some of the same arguments we'd had just 10-12 years ago... the struggle is lust, the places men put their eye, search online, looking outside their marriage. My husband and I struggled with this too in our marriage and somedays we still do - anything airbrushed and made-up looks much better than what home life looks like sometimes.

This time we are walking closely with God, we know His commands, His expectations and yet we still sin. In the heart of all is sin and we will always struggle with these things but we have the work on the Cross, we have Grace... He have been justified through our belief and faith in Christ.

While sin is still ever present and in almost anything; we may lust, we may gossip, we may tell that one teeny-tiny lie so we don't have to commit to that one gathering... We remember to focus on scripture and are transformed by the renewing of our minds, by choosing Gods way rather than our sinful way...

In talking all these things through with our friends I found her husband saying, "All men..."

And something rewound each "All men..." sentence and something in my Spirit stirred... The words came quick out of my mouth.

Maybe all men (and women) on this earth will struggle, maybe we will all fall short time and again. Maybe we will cheat on our spouse, let our eyes wander, fall into a bottle of booze or needle in our arm... Walk away from our children... Give up on responsibilities... Or any number of things that happen in the world but does that make it ok?

Is that the sentence we want our sons and daughters to continue to hear or do we want more for ourselves, for our marriages, for our children and their marriages, relationships and lives? Especially as believers, don't we want to move past "All men..." and change the conversation? Wouldn't it be better to say, "Without God, all men... and with God, His power, His Spirit we can be changed, we can be made new?"

The way it has been doesn't have to be that way any longer... It starts with me, it begins at home... We can change the storyline, break the generational curses... Stand up for abstinence until marriage, faithfulness in marriage and a new life following Christ.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.


Romans 12:1-2
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Go - And don't look back!

7/22/2016

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​I met my husband as I was graduating high school and we have been almost inseparable ever since... I can remember the first birthday we ever celebrated together - it was his and he was turning 21, most people were excited to turn 21 - I know I was... but not my husband... it was a number, another number toward adulthood and farther away from the irresponsibility of being a kid. For some reason Peter Pan just came to mind, unfortunately, I am not that far off... never going to grow up.  We celebrated his birthday in the mountains north of us; spent the weekend camping and fishing... the day he turned that number was awful...  my dear husband, the 21 year old... Man.Baby!   {Side note, my husband has also started to write, his passion is "Legacy" the legacy he is leaving, the foundation we are building in our kids for their future and their children's future.  You will see him address his own insecurities and determined passion in his blogs -- Found on my site which we will now share... under Double Legacy}.

Back to this story... I simply didn't "get" his aversion to turning another year older. 

Me, I love birthday's...  I love everything about them --- family and friends, the food, cakes and music, laughing... and laughing some more... some birthdays have lasted weeks and a few great ones have been celebrated for a month.  Celebrating birthdays, at least to me, signifies breath in my lungs, days I am able to be on this earth and in "mission purpose" for God.   

I love birthday's... except this one... this one that I am just turning... this number 37 -- ugh... I said it... shared my age... 37, 3-7.... on my way to 40... and i hate saying that.  I know birthday's are a gift, I do.  This one is just different, it's hard for me and I have been putting a lot of thought into why and thanks to my now 9 year old son, I get it.

I can honestly say, I have accomplished all my childhood goals... I wanted to be a wife and mother.  I wanted to have two children, one boy and one girl... oh yes, and he must be like his daddy and she must look like me.  I wanted to have a good job, a job which had meaning, which improved peoples lives.  where I could travel-but not too much... just enough to "see places" but not be away too much.  I wanted to be successful, the kind of successful which gave my family stability to afford nice things and take trips that I couldn't take when I was growing up.  

These goals... each one checked off one by one did not come without struggles... like... a infertility battle longer than I cared to endure,  arguments with my husband that had us calling it quits at least three "serious" times... a job that I loved which increased in instability year by year, oh, and a miscarriage of our miracle baby.  

Almost 19 years with my husband and lots of life lived, loved, yelled and argued through.  Lots of heart-ache and heart-break yet here we stand.  19 years -

If you pay attention God speaks, He works on you and in you... Life changes...  
One year and eight months ago I said goodbye to a job of 15 years that I loved - I loved my job… I worked for a large nonprofit, for a mission to make lives better for those diagnosed  with disease. I loved our mission - I loved what we did…
 
Like with any work place environment there are good days and there are bad days.  As culture changes so do organizations like ours.  Some of the changes were not good... Some had been a long time coming. Leadership changed drastically, also not necessarily good.   All along the changing tide I was preparing for year number 15, I never knew why - I just sensed something coming.   Year  number 15 was the year I was called away,  called to put down that job and move on.
 
Some say it's really hard to leave a place you love whether by choice or because the choice was made for you; they say there is a grieving process... And let me tell you, that is the absolute truth.  I mourned and grieved it like something had died. I would look back frequently on my time there and miss my colleagues, missed the mission and missed the job itself.  
 
I Missed event planning, missed hotels, I missed flying… flying high and doing great things for great people. I missed for a moment, many moments - if I am honest - the person I used to be.
 
I hadn't realized that I replaced what God said my significance as a human being was with who "they" said I was.  My identity was not mine but of this person I was while I was there. 
  
I moved on, mourning and that was not a great place to be. 

I found a temporary home someplace else...  This new place was not my place either but a stepping stone.  I know that now, in hindsight... This new place stripped from me pride and made me humble, it stripped my identity so a new one could be found, it made me stand firm in my faith and reject the world...  I had many dark conversations with God... so many rejected days.  I was mad.  I didn't understand.  I thought it one way, but He was showing me another. 1 year and 8 months later... I get it now.  

I finally turned in my laptop, building access card and parking pass...  I said some permanent good-byes while solidifying others deep in my heart.  I walked alone to my car...  a weight was gone... my lesson learned, or so I thought... 

Quite literally I smiled internally and externally as I lifted my IPhone and deleted my work email out of my inbox.  I should have been elated, but I knew - almost instantly that something wasn't right... in deleting my inbox I came to realize I had deleted 16 years of personal and professional contacts... with it died, the last remaining reminder of self I had. I know this sounds silly... but for a moment, consider losing every.single.contact you have ever made... especially in business when "we lean" on past favors and friendships.  GONE...  

The quite whisper came... "You don't need them, I have given you every single tool for the tasks ahead.  You have been equipped with your past experience for this next chapter."

I drowned out that quite voice... never... I did have a panic attack... I did try and reinstate from "the cloud"... I called, I tried... I did... and when I couldn't, I called an IT expert... my brother and he couldn't either.  Ya'all, it's bad when my brother can't fix it. 

Then... with fear and trembling, my brother quietly said, "Maybe you need to move on with out all that."  I literally responded with, "Shut your mouth..."  Folks, that was affirmation...  
For the first time in my life I can say... I have no five year plan.  I have no idea where I am going.  I am almost 40, with a wonderful husband of 19 years and a new career path.  I have put to death the "Idols" of what I thought I wanted my life to look like and for the first time I can say with absolute, unshaken confidence... I want to be on God's path - not before Him, not on the side of Him but right.in.step.behind Him.  His ways are so much better than my ways... 19 years proves all of that...  
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Religious things, like you...

7/1/2016

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There's a conversation I had recently with a really good friend.  A far away friend, in whom our friendship never seems to change no matter the distance between us. Days could pass or several months and we have somehow always manage to pick up right where we left it - as old friends falling into the same familiar banter while leaving room for serious conversation and matters of the heart.  Friend, if you are reading this... I am writing it directly to you with the hopes that it speaks to you and to anyone else who needs to read these words...

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My friend and I engaged in a conversation regarding a personal situation she was in and a comparison was made between me and someone else... the specific words were, "She posts religious things, like you."  Now in the grand scheme of it all... this sentence had nothing to do with our conversation but those words ate at me.  

There is no way she could have known, nor did we cover my internal struggle and those specific words have not left my heart.  

Confession #1: I do not feel bold in my outward profession of my faith.  I can maintain confidence in small safe groups but I must profess I do not live dangerously for my faith and I want to.  I don't want to be "religious" or post "religious things"... if that is all I am doing then I am failing and failing miserably at that.  

In my pastors recent sermon series he reminds us that we have a message worth dying for... I realize how radical that sounds to the outside world but the Saints of the Scriptures were martyred for their faith, they carried what they believed with them to the death.  They didn't back away from the truth or preserve themselves, which is what I find myself doing when opposition gets too loud.  

No, my friend... I am not religious.  

 Definition of religious
  1. 1:  relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity<a religious person> <religious attitudes>
  2. 2:  of, relating to, or devoted to religious beliefs or observances <joined a religious order>
  3. 3a :  scrupulously and conscientiously faithfulb :  fervent, zealous

I don't have a devotion to a religious person, I don't relate to observances and I don't consider it just faithful. I have a faith and a relationship far greater than anything I can see.  There is a God who made the heavens and the earth, who was in the beginning and wrote the end.  A God who sent His one and only Son to earth to be born of a woman, from her womb... before my story was even written and while I was still a sinner, I might add... The one and only God had me in mind when He went to the cross, perfect, spotless and blameless and took my shame, my sin... the sins my past would condemn me for and He died on that cross for me. But He didn't end there, nope, He rose again on the third day just as scriptures had said and he sent the Spirit for those who'd believe and receive Him.   What's more... is He's coming again... and even better, He wants everyone who's willing to seek Him, believe their need for forgiveness of sin and live in Him.  

And since I am confessing, sharing my heart with you all... I have to let you in on more.  A couple nights ago I had a dream.  

In my dream my grandmother was sitting on a couch in her living room, the same living room she's had for over 10 years now.  And my grandmother was excited.  She was waiving a book in the air and she said to me, "Do you remember this book?  You got me this book dear, and I have been reading it.  I am so excited to share it with you, come and sit by me."  So I did has she said.  As she opened the book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, she said, "Turn to page 213 and 214, you will see that it applies."  With that, my dream was over.  

Back story... Jesus Calling is a daily devotional, something to draw someone into scripture and a deeper relationship with The One who created all.  Everyone I know loves this devotional, refers to this book, re-reads this book over and over... However, I am not a fan.  Honestly, insert eye-roll here!  Oh, I tried to get into it... I started one year on day one but lost interest mid-march.  One year, in the middle of the year, I tried to pick up on that day and continue but that didn't last a week so I retired this "beloved-by-everyone-else-devotional" to the shelf where it has remained... I think I hear the audible gasps of my friends who think I have just blasphemed.  HA!  Anyway... so there I was, in this dream, on the couch with my very excited grandmother reading page 213 & 214, end dream.  

Confession #2:  I am struggling, and have been for quite some time if you have been reading my posts for a while then you have read that, I have a deep desire to be seen, to be acknowledged and validated.  Yes, I know exactly where this comes from and I have psycho-analyzed myself, been forgiven and set free from the shame, guilt and burden of all that but the desire remains.  I know in my heart God sees me, I know He hears me, He bends down to answer my prayers, I know all of that but that doesn't mean I keep it front and center in my mind.  That doesn't mean that I always live it out.  I still want to be seen, acknowledged and validated.  It plays out in my friendships, in my relationships... with my husband and in all the various ways I interact with my people groups.  I fall short, people don't acknowledge or see and I am let down.  Hang on to that thought for a moment... 

Confession #3: "I look like light", I hear from others that people are drawn to me because they see something different... But I have to ask myself each and every single time... "Do they mean that?" "Do they really see light?" "Do they really see Him in me?"  "What if I am faking it, what if I really don't have this faith, what if I am living a lie, what if I am deceiving, what if I don't know God at all".  All those things I say to myself... Scripture says "the road is narrow and many will come to Him and He will turn them away for He never knew them..." what if I am one of them?  - Grim, I know... but hang tight to that thought as well.  

So my daily prayer has included requests to be rid of pleasing the world in favor of pleasing The One.  To be rid of looking for acceptance anywhere other than at His feet... to be rid of the desire to do as the world expects and be on His mission.  Next I pray for His light.  That when you read this you see Him.  When you speak to me about your situation, it's His words you hear and not my own.  Frequently when I am speaking with someone who's sharing a struggle I will pray internally to have wisdom to share, something to point towards Him. But I am always asking to know that I have His light.  

Insert dream sequence here... 

Page 213 says:

FIND FREEDOM through seeking to please Me above all else.  You can only have one Master.  When you let others' expectations drive you, you scatter your energy to the winds.  Your own desire to look good can also drain your energy.  I am your Master, and I do not drive you to be what you are not.  Your pretense displeases Me, especially when it is in My "service, " Concentrate on staying close to Me at all times. It is impossible to be inauthentic while you are focusing on my Presence.  

Ephesians 5:8-10; Matthew 23:8; Matthew 6:1
                                                                                 Jesus Calling, Sarah Young
Page 214 says:
I AM THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD, Men crawl through their lives cursing the darkness, but all the while I am shining brightly.  I desire each of  My followers to be a Light-bearer.  The Holy Spirit who lives in you can shine from your face, making Me visible to people around you.  Ask my Spirit to live thought you, as you wend your way though this day.  Hold my hand in joyful trust, for I never leave your side.  The Light of My Presence is shining upon you, Brighten up the world by reflecting who I AM.  

John 8:12; Matthew 5:14-16; 2 Corinthians 3:8; Exodus 3:14

                                                                            Jesus Calling, Sarah Young
Yep... that's what they said and the scripture references blew me away for various personal reasons.  I was blown away... answers to prayers, affirmations - He hears me and knows my heart.  That's the relationship.  It's not religion.  It's reciprocated communication.  

And guess what else... I am being equipped for a new thing...  There is a stirring in my soul which is going to be bold, going to be courageous... Just you wait and see!

To my friend... Thank you for speaking meaning into me without even realizing it.  You rocked my world and it's never going to be the same.
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My struggle

5/20/2016

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I've been quiet, words have failed to make the page, sentences seem so blah... Started and stopped several times,  in the middle of many thoughts but, oh... I have psyched myself out, I have listened to the enemy's lies. 
 
I write for myself because it's within me and at the same time I hope it helps someone else... There are so many writers and bloggers, so many book writers - all so much better.  My measly little words, my uneducated voice...

i.should.just.quit.  
 
Ha!  Does that sound like me?  It's not... That voice, those words... Those sentences... That is the enemy and before I continue, my friends, if you have that voice talking at you, changing how you feel within yourself - stomp it out and do it now.  
 
Last year God took me on an adventure, He picked me up from where I was and sent me somewhere I could never have imagined.  He sent me somewhere I NEVER would have gone on my own had I one glimmer of the future.  That place, that time was some of the most challenging growth I have ever encountered with God.  We wrestled... He dug in and I disobeyed, I walked my own for a bit... Put scripture away, except for Sunday's and "study" groups... And I was mad, and sad, and defiant, and beat down and finally; only when I gave in, did He began to show me just how awesome this season was.
 
He removed from me all the things which did not glorify Him; He stripped away my pride, repeatedly asking me to be quiet and humble. He removed from me respected colleagues and friends, he removed from me people who had been my people... The "in the trench people" and blessed me with the exact opposite.  
 
When shouts and whispers ask for me to toughen up, grow thicker skin... I shook my fist at Him.  Me... I am tough, I have thick skin, you cannot remove anything more from me without making me change the fabric of my being.  
 
My joy... That's what it was taking and with gut crushing angry shouts on a drive home one night I realized... I was finally talking at Him so that He could talk to me.  He had me where He wanted me... Pride - gone, respected colleague - gone, all other voices and cheerleaders - gone... Replaced with frustration and anger, for sure, but after a bit, silence... Within my temper tantrum He had me looking squarely at Him and He whispered, "I made you exactly as you are, I MADE you and I am removing from you what doesn't belong but don't you lose who you are in me, don't you lose your joy."
 
Behold!
 
Has a word ever resonated within you? Captured your thoughts... Invaded prayer time? Been on the tip of your lips?  
 
Behold has become my word this year!  Standing at a precipice waiting to be tipped over into behold.


Definition:
be·hold bəˈhōld/verb archaic literary
verb: behold; 3rd person present: beholds; past tense: beheld; past participle: beheld; gerund or present participle: beholding 
see or observe (a thing or person, especially a remarkable or impressive one)."behold your king!"
synonyms: see, observe, look at, watch, survey, witness, gaze at/upon, regard, contemplate, witness, eye.  More catch sight of, glimpse, spot, eye; informal clap eyes on, have/take a gander at, get a load of; literary espy, descry, "no eyes beheld them"  look, see - "behold, the prince returns!"
Behold appears 593 times in the The New King James Version of the Bible...  
 

An active word... To participate in, to be looking and seeking.  Waiting in anticipation for something to come.  
 
Dreams and desires in my heart, hidden deeply within myself, sometimes unspoken...  He knows them all.  He planted some of them, He has been working within me until His time.

Quitting anything, especially writing is not in His plans; not at this time... He did show me the places in my life which I needed to step away from... A job, ugh - a high paying one at that. Full time work outside of the home.  Stepping away from worldly financial security into the supernatural security... All of which is saved for anther blog at a later time... 


Instead now, to focus on Him and promise... 
Behold started to appear towards the end of last year... I remember reading the passage somewhere in my quiet time and the words danced on the page, popping out at me.  A few weeks later that very same passage was prayed over me by a sweet friend, without knowing God had already been revealing scripture to me. 

I will give you a new heart, I will remove the heart of stone. I will put my Spirit in you.  I will save you.  
Behold - I am doing a new thing.  ~ Ezekiel 36:26-29

Waiting in anticipation...  Behold... But not just that... A promise... A hope... I am doing a new thing...  He is doing a new thing!
 
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Incomplete Healing

1/13/2016

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There are moments which pause your life and the path traveled.  Moments which send you reeling, forever changed. 


As I type these words I am reminded of a precious conversation I had with a dear friend who experienced a major pause and life-shift. She said, "I am not the same person I was the day before... and I will never be that person again."

How often can we say that as we look back on the landscape of our lives? No matter the length of path traveled, the pain and discomfort... The pause and divert buttons carve out who we are and who we become.

I can look back at my tiny minuscule life and see several of these paused and diverted segments; some more monumental than others... The loss of a baby, the result of an early miscarriage.  Years of infertility... The daughter of an alcoholic parent.  Leaving a beloved church home, beloved family of believers to start something else, a job change...

Some pause and diverted moments surprisingly subtle and the impact to the curvature great.  
It's almost 2 years since I broke my ankle on a family vacation visiting friends in Utah.  I can still remember, frame by frame, the events of the break, the feeling and absolute certainty of the injury.  My stoic 6 year old boy who just wanted me to go on a water slide with him.  My daughter who saw me in a wheelchair with medics, refusing to leave my side.  Or the doctor who, with tears in his eyes - explained to me in exact detail how bad my break was, requiring immediate surgery... Vacation over!  

In less than a 24 hour period my life changed and with it my life's-landscape. 
I've learned it's not what you do with the moment, rather all the subsequent moments that matter...  All of which mark, shape and carve.  

I could go back and talk about each process... Partial cast, surgery, multiple casts, more pain than I have ever been in... Physical therapy... Complete and utter dependence on everyone around me and my complete inability to do anything for myself.  

What I want to talk about...  Is the night I prayed for incomplete healing.  

Alone in bed and laying awake in the middle of the night, with my foot propped up on pillows I was in so much pain... So much.  I knew I couldn't make it to the kitchen by myself for my pain medication so I laid there and cried.  

I wanted the pain to be gone... In those desperate moments you imagine all sorts of crazy things...  I closed my eyes and prayed.  I remembered the miraculous healings in the Bible and just started speaking them aloud, like a crazy person and followed in prayer; "Lord, Father --- forgive me.   I know my pain is not as great as it could be and I know you have spared me from a lot of things in the process.  You have produced miracle after miracle as you answered each and every prayer I have had during this season.  But I feel alone tonight.  I cannot help myself.  My husband is not here and my kids are so asleep they will not hear me call to them. Lord, I need you...  Give me a moment pain free... Give me rest in this time.   Let your healing hands come down..."  

As I asked for that, my leg began to warm, it felt different. My eyes opened at this and I began to weep harder... The immediate answer to a prayer and I sang aloud... Amazing Grace... He deserved so much more.  There was no more pain for the rest of the night...

I closed my eyes again and prayed... In praises and thanksgiving.

So incredible is our God who takes care of those who believe in Him, in His time.  And that is when... I asked to be healed incompletely.  This incredibly hard journey has taught me so much about me, about my faith and my God.  I have never felt so close to Him and so unlike myself.  I know I am forever changed by this.  I never want to forget these lessons... The lessons which have not only scared my physical body but my soul...

I praise God every day for His blessings, His mercies, His provision and great love.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I bow down before you, humbled at your feet. I praise you for another day to breathe, to see the sunrise, to feel like rain on my face.  

I praise you for your goodness and grace.  I praise you for your immeasurable love and divine life interruptions.

I praise you for bringing me up from who I was and giving me a new life in your Son... That you use me for your good, within your perfect plan.  That you have molded and fashioned for me all the days of my life and have protected my steps.  I praise you for lessons and scars.  I pray I never forget where you've walked with me through and I pray I never forget the moments I have felt closest to you.

I pray I use who you have made me to be and do what you have asked of me - worthy in your eyes alone.  The world may mock, people may turn away, I may lose those I love but...  I know the way, the truth and the life...  I pray I am only faithful to that. Amen.

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Things Unseen

11/26/2015

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That is what I am thankful for this year, things unseen. 

Several years ago I was listening to a radio station, it was the new year of whatever year it was... The beginning of January, the station challenged their listeners to come up with a word for the year to focus on, maybe something needing attention in life... something that keeps coming up... after weeks of thinking about it, praying about it - my word became real. 

Real relationships, real people, real tangible outreach...  Real me.  Transformative and yet so simple.  I have tried other words in the years proceeding but none have stuck like real and sometimes I go back to real when I feel myself saying "yes" to things not needing a yes, when I allow myself to get sucked into a situation which doesn't require me... when I have slid away from real in an attempt to fit into someone else's mold of real. 

I am "real"ly me.  I cannot be undone or changed by someone else's version of me... I want and desire real relationships and I want real tangible outreach - I still don't fit into a box but all of that might be for another blog... 

This time is meant for Thanksgiving... real Thanks... 

Thanksgiving
is defined as the act of giving thanks, a prayer expressing gratitude, a public celebration of divine goodness.  My personal favorite definition, An act of giving thanks; an expression of gratitude, especially to God.  

Expressing gratitude, especially to God.

Eucharisteo
, of Greek origin, meaning to be grateful, feel thankful and to give thanks.

The first time I heard this word was at a Women of Faith Conference, Ann Voskamp was speaking and I was riveted.  Her story was real and I sat on the edge of my seat.  Eucharisteo, thankful in all things, for all things... grateful in all things and for all things.  Joyfully thankful and grateful.  These words, now hang in red in my kitchen. 

Thankful, grateful and joyful in all seasons at all times, giving thanks... even when it's hard to do.  I can think of a few times since that conference when giving thanks didn't make sense... like my husbands sudden job loss, my broken ankle and subsequent surgery, the loss of a friend...  finding joy in those moments for more time at home and organization, the joy in someone sending an unexpected way to pay for groceries, learning how to trust our community of "real" people or celebrating the life of someone so beautiful who touched so many... 

This week, this day,  I am thankful for the things unseen.  For walks and talks with my children.  For being privileged to be their mommy and hold their hands while they make me laugh and cry. 

Thankful for relationships which surpass understanding, those relationships which remain solid when the rest of the world passes judgement and says it's time to throw in the towel... thankful that my husband and I remain faithful and true to our vows beforefore God and have stuck it out.  

Thankful and grateful for the dozen women whom I consider my "porch-people"; those friendships which don't make sense... the women who don't want to "one-up", "climb-over" or "walk-on" someone else to get ahead.  The women who come along side, bear-burdens, hold hands and hold me up when I need it the most and most importantly, allow me to do the same.  Those women who I do life with... locally and across the miles - you know who you are and I love you, am thankful for you and feel blessed. 

I am thankful for my little church and the body that make up the church, we are few but we are mighty.  We do life a little differently than most and it's hard sometimes and messy sometimes but its amazing all the time.... Joyfully thankful and grateful.   

Rejoice in the Lord always.  Again I say rejoice!  Let your gentleness be known to all men, the Lord is at hand.  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."   Philippians 4:4-7
Back to Eucharisteo, the word, meaning something a bit more.  Made up of the word Eucharist, breaking bread - synonymous with the Lord's Supper or Holy Communion.  Remembering Christ's sacrifice for all mankind on the cross.  Something which would cause Jesus harm and pain, though he blessed, broke and gave thanks... 
And as they were eating, Jesus took the bread, blessed and broke it, and gave it to the disciples and said, "Take, eat: this is My body."  Then He took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you.  For this is my blood which is shed for many for the remission of sins."   Matthew 26:26-28
Most of all, I am considering myself thankful with all joy... that I have been lost and found.  That there is a God who loves me, who never leaves me.  God, who listens to my prayers, who answers them, in His time.  God, who created me, sought after me and a God who has prepared a place for me.  My God who works actively in every detail of my life and the lives of all people.  A God who makes the impossible possible... who molds a life I could have only dreamed of into something He saw all along --- ever present, never ceasing and as I live and breathe, more love than I could imagine.
Then He said to Thomas, " Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into My side.  Do not be unbelieving but believing."  And Thomas answered and said to HIm,"My Lord and My God!" Jesus said to Him, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed.  Blessed are those who have not see and yet have believed." 
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Recognition...

11/8/2015

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I have never asked my friends how they'd classify me or what word or phrase best describes me... But I know they would agree I am an outgoing person, I am friendly and dependable... I am generally a happy person... I can be moody and sometimes crabby but I am not ever depressed.  

I don't suffer from depression and I am not someone who can understand or empathize with those that do. I have friends who do suffer with depression, who battle it daily.  Who want to hole up and never go out side.  Who weep for no reason... Those souls which just grieve; I listen to them, I love them, I pray for them... But having never felt that way... I just cannot wrap my head around those feelings.  

But...  

Yes, but... 

But yesterday... 

The weather has just changed in the desert, it's getting cold... Cold for us at 66 during the sunny day requires a jacket, possibly a scarf and definitely boots.  It's beautiful and crisp and it's my favorite time of the year... When the weather changes I begin looking forward to all the end of the year has in store.  

Something has been different this week, something has fallen over my spirit.  Something weighing on me, pulling me down, whispering in my ear and laying on my heart.  It's nothing I recognize. 

Not enough, nothing is enough,  I am not enough... And it's more than that. It's doubting all my abilities.  It's assuming all my tight-knit people groups are conspiring against me and despite words of affirmation I cannot let go of this feeling.  

Whispering in my ear says...  

"They will know you are not as good as you seem."

"Sure, they replied to your email and it says "great work" but look at how it's said - "they think your dumb" "they don't really agree" 

"Just give up today..." 

"Why are you trying..."

"Who are you that you think you can make a difference?"
I went the entire week with these thoughts... I went to bed with these thoughts... I woke up with these thoughts.  I met my best friend for coffee with these thoughts and I never once realized what was going on. 

Depression had settled over me... Self doubt creeped into my heart.  It chipped and chiseled away at me until I was becoming someone I wasn't recognizing.  

Driving home last night I was allowing it to take hold, I let it envelop me... Dictating every thought, feeling and action.  It was winning... After only a few days.  

Sneaky!  Depression... Sucks! 

I drove home, with tears in my eyes... Trying to think of anything to stop the pain...  Rather than going down the slippery slope of darkness.... 

Darkness... 

What is happening to me?  Why do I feel this way? There's no reason to think these things.  My life is good...we live in a nice place and have food to eat.  We are healthy, our kids are healthy and amazing.  

Who am I?  

I am...  Loved. These people love me and value me.  I know this.  

I am smart and funny... People tell me so. I have a great job and amazingly fulfilling hobbies. None of that matters. 

As I tears come down my face...  

Back to basics - I am the Daughter of a King! He loves me and knit me in my mothers womb.  God formed and fashioned all the days before me. In Him, I live and serve.  The enemy cannot hurt me...  My God is bigger.   

With that the veil lifted... 

I recognized a strategic, calculated, pointed attack... The enemy comes to lie, cheat, steal... He comes to demolish... And he is crafty!  He waits till your alone, he waits till your defenses are down... He's waiting for someone unsuspecting.  

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    Me:

    i am a Jesus follower.  i am a wife, mother, home-maker and event planner.  life is crazy most of the time but i wouldn't trade one minute.

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Micah 7:7
But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.