Prior to that sentence I was lost in thought, going down a rabbit hole, replaying conversations from the day, from the week... carrying within my heart love and empathy... wondering what I could do - spring into action - take it all away.
The week was rough and bad news, awful, heartbreaking news filled nearly every conversation I had. There were times this week I wondered why God allows things to happen, I wondered what purpose was there in all of "this".
We were going to stay in last night but I needed to get out and get my mind on something else - so I decided to try and do something I hadn't done in months! I went grocery shopping - standing and walking! I cannot tell you all how good it was and how hard... The kids help of course but to be able to stand and walk down aisles, pick out the ingredients for meal planning and pick up dessert mixes for the family. So basic and tedious - I am so thankful to have regained this ability. I feel like a mom again and I feel like I am getting back into my life.
I am keenly aware that no matter how hard it is for me to do these things; the back to normal things... no matter how much it hurts or how my ankle swells "people"... just expect me to be "getting over it"... I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "oh, it still bothers you?" "does it really hurt or are you just babying it?" "are you afraid you're going to hurt it again?" "Is it in your head?".... No actually - I cannot move my ankle at the joint from side to side or in a circle, it's still really stiff and I have scar tissue that needs to break up. I want to say, "I am sorry you think I should be progressing, faster or better" or I'd like to be sarcastic and say "you know you are absolutely right, I should be getting along better"... but I don't. I sit in silence or simply say... it's coming along...
I digress... Everyone has something they are dealing with... some are worse than others... what makes us human is how we respond... how we love... how we show we care...
The conversation with my son continues... to the north of us is a mountain area, it's not that big or expansive but it provides a quick get-away from the summer heat and sometimes it's the only place we can find a bit of snow. On the top of this mountain are cellular and communication towers, at night you can see the flashing red lights indicating something's there. My son wants to know what the red things are... I tell him... "mostly" so that planes don't fly too low and run into them. His response was a series of questions which I answered naturally, however, with his innocent inquisitive mind I don't think he realized how profound his questions were to his mommy's heart and nor do I believe I really understood what we were talking about and why...
Back to the planes running into the towers, if you will recall, that's where the line of questioning derived from... and the conversation proceeded like this.
Him: "Oh, so that is like the twin towers? Did they have anything on the top of them?"
Me: "Yes, son they did, I am sure they had lot's of things on them."
Him: "But the planes ran into the buildings anyway?"
Me: "Yes, son they did. Where did you hear about the towers?"
Him: "In school mom. Did the people know what was coming? Did they see the planes running into the building?"
Me: "Some people saw the planes, most people though weren't sure what was happening. The twin towers were very tall with lots of floors on them and it was hard to evacuate."
Him: "hundreds of people died mom."
Me: "Yes, buddy - it was actually thousands."
Him: "Did they rebuild the towers?"
Me: "No, because it was such a sad day for our nation and the families who lost loved ones they did not rebuild the towers. Instead they built pools for people to come and remember what happened. They did rebuild some buildings around those though."
Him: "Mom, will the Statue of Liberty be crashed into?"
Me: "I don't know buddy, I do know there are a lot of people around the world that don't like the US and want to see our freedoms end."
I said, "how come you have all these questions..."
He said, "I just do and it's okay to ask you, isn't it?"
I simply said "always".
That (September 11th) was a bad day, week month... year... it's still awful to think about. Which brings me to this week... this week when news wasn't good for so many of my friends... when the reality of this world, when life comes crashing in and you are once again reminded that this world is not our home. I personally have to rest on the promises of God.
There were moments I had to sit and ask "why" this week. There were moments of disbelief and helplessness... there were moments when all that was left to do was to pray... and pray we did.
When it rains... the rainbow appears...
And God said, "this is the sign of the covenant that I made between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, at it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. ~ Genesis 9:12-13
God doesn't say... it will never rain again... it will never be tough again... He says I will be there with you and send you a reminder of my presence.
Isaiah 41:10 says, Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
And James 1:3-4 (which I have personally clung to more times than I can count) says, Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your nightlight; the moon and stars. Thank you for my son who so innocently can bring me back to your promises. I thank you for his inquisitiveness and desire to understand. Lord, you know this has been a hard week for so many. There have been so many discouraging things and sometimes it's overwhelming. I am thankful to remember you are there, you promise to be there... I am thankful you know the prayer of your people, you hear them... even before they know what they need - you do. I am so comforted by that and I thank you. Lord help the people we're praying for this week. Surround them all with your presence, guidance and love. Surround them with people who will love on them and help them make the best decisions based on the circumstance. You see their names in my head Lord... Give them the miracle... you show up and show off when man cannot do more... I am saying... man cannot do more in all of these situations. Be here, in this space for all of them tonight, tomorrow, this week, month and year. Help them see you. All of these things I ask in your Son's holy name - Amen.