For about a month my soul has been at peace, my life is quiet and the stones of the path I have been walking are amazing. Nothing could be better... Between the bliss of this life and the upset apple cart, ignorant of the "what's to come".
Recently I'd been thinking... I may have nothing more to write... the space in my head was calm and blank and I mean visually... blank. Topics weren't coming. There are things going on, things I could write about but there's not a calling or longing. Just blankness.
Last week at Bible Study, the study of Gideon... the only Bible Study night on Gideon I can do because of schedules and vacations... The women leading stopped the normal flow of the Bible Study for this "in the middle" "Late-Breaking Interruption" like the newscasters do. It was great, one of those times where you hear what you think you need to hear.
Then Thursday struck. I felt like that, with a phone call first thing in the morning - HERE is your LATE-BREAKING Interruption! Divinely placed in life at this moment for me to feel as though the apple cart had been upset... a toppling over the game board.
Emailing with a friend I was telling her I don't know how much more of this situation I can take, you see, it comes and goes... flares up and then dies down. We both acknowledged it's all in God's will for our lives... but if he could just give us a road map, or a list of situations we'd walk through, we'd overcome and he'd be there... where is that visual? I was feeling a little like Thomas at that point, "if I could just see your wounds, then I would believe it's you".
In our correspondence I mentioned to her about Gideon, all the ways he asked God for a sign... is this really your will for me... if you could just do this impossible thing, then I would know it was you and I would do what you are asking me to do... three times he asked. Then he takes 300 into battle and defeats thousands and thousands.
Ananias was afraid to seek out Saul of Tarsus, Paul, so Jesus provided the way, marking off Ananias' own signs that God was there and he was doing the right thing, following the right path. Ananias helps Saul and Paul goes on to write most of the New Testament.
But then I thought of Isaiah, He goes and says to King Ahab of Israel that there is going to be this long drought; this is going to be God punishing you and then God instructs him to leave to a ravine which literally means to separate, Kerith Ravine. Seclusion, limited provision... relying on the promise of Ravens bringing food and a small stream for water... I wonder what Isaiah was thinking? To have the complete and utter trust in the unseen, the trust in a God who somehow, without our limited understanding will provide, make it good for us and will sustain us - in all things... not just the things we think we need help with. He provides it all...
Then there is me, I am a planner, within my power - I need to have plans made, dates on calendars. My profession is planning, analyzing risks, preparing backup plans. Calmly and tactfully handle a change, an issue, a catastrophe with kindness and grace, understanding... Yes, we can do that... with a smile.
Meanwhile, my faith-lived out asks me to believe without seeing. Trust that all will be accomplished without any doing or planning of my own.... against the grain of my nature, of human nature.
The planner tries to fathom the person God is calling me to be, the person he has in store for me. I am in awe at how much he loves me and what he's done thus far... However, what's the big picture?
We aren't meant to know... frustrating, exciting... mind-boggling!
So, back to my apple cart -- one week later, full circle... from the news last Thursday to this moment... All has been taken care of. My mind is at ease, God as provided the way, again, as he always does. My internal balance is restored and the apple cart isn't such a big deal after all.
I lived within the promises of God, remembered his will for my life, asked for
prayers and prayed a little for myself as well...
Matthew 6:31-32 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you.
He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you."
The Lord knows all of our needs, He provides for us and he will personally go before you... What an amazing promise to calm my heart, release my worry of "what if", relinquish my hold on what's within my means to do... once more, I sit - In awe.